It's interesting being a little further along in this process and being able to be an encouragement to others who are hurting because of divorce. There is this one lady in my group who was married 27 years, and our stories are frightfully similar to each other. Her husband completely checked out after 27 years. Man, I think I have questions. I can't imagine dealing with that after 27 years of marriage. There is just so much to sort through when you've been with a person that long.

Another lady, man I feel so bad for her, she is just hurting so much right now. We were talking, and she told me that she knows that it's hard for me with small children, but how I really am lucky. I knew what she meant, and honestly I agree. Yes, it's hard for me, but I am young. I can start over. That's not to say you can't start over when you're older, but it's just kind of different.

Our topic was depression tonight. I remember when we visited this topic last time. It was in February, and that was the night that Elaina and the co-leader talked me after class and suggested I go see King Buchanan. I was just beside myself with grief and just completely overwhelmed. Now I see other people in that place, and I see how much God has done for me. And because I have come through so much, I know they will too. But I often wonder how I am perceived when I talk about how well I'm doing. To me, my perception is my reality. But sometimes I wonder if people think I smoke crack or something.

I'll explain that further...I mean that God has done everything for me. God has blessed me, changed me, healed me, taken care of me, you name it...God has done it for me. And because He has done all that for me, I know He will continue to do those things for me. And I can't help but shine, and I don't know how people react to that. I would think a lot of people like it or appreciate it, but I'm sure I've got some sceptics out there. And really that doesn't matter. I still believe what I believe, and no one can change that. However, I wonder if I ever rub people the wrong way, because of my optimism. Do you know what I mean?

It reminds me of this guy I used to work with at Coldwell Banker. I remember one day standing at the copier and he walks by and we say the usual, "Hello, how are you...good" Instead of saying good, he says, "I'm better than I deserve!" And I'm like, are you for real? What would be going on in your life that you would be better than you deserve? That also tells you a little bit about my spirit back a year ago. I was one step away from bitter and didn't know it. Now, I can know exactly what he means, and I can't help but be excited.

I have been blessed beyond measure! And I can't help but share that. I really hope I don't rub people the wrong way. I hope that maybe if people don't understand me that maybe someday they will. I think God wants me to keep being positive. I don't think He wants me to close my mouth, and hide what is inside of me. It's my job to share. And I'm so glad that I can.

Soccer Star

Today was soccer. Madi really likes soccer, but I think she would rather be there to play with her friends, than play the game itself. She did really good today, if we can just get her to kick the ball in the right direction. But every game she gets better, and I think it's so good for her. So we will keep playing!

I love the look on Kyle's face. The sun was in our eyes, so he looks funny. Madi has become a pretty good photographer. It's funny the things you don't think about having around...like someone to take pictures for you!

Is this really news?

Okay so the local news station just listed their top headlines. One of which was, "Slaton woman thinks she may have been scammed when trying to purchase a monkey from Africa." Is this for real????? Seriously???? Do we not have anything more pressing to talk about???? I think some serious re-evaluation needs to take place. I mean I just laughed out loud. I mean, who tries to buy a monkey? Suzanne and I wanted a monkey when we were little, but this was a grown woman. That's just weird.

Dating and other things...

I've never talked about this before. Partly because it's a subject that I am not really comfortable with right now. It's a very odd subject to me, because I never thought I'd find myself in the dating arena again. Well, here I am. No, I'm not dating, and no I'm not ready. I don't know when I'll be ready. And really I'm not worried about that. I know God will know when I'm ready.

I've said this before, but in Divorce care some "experts" say that you need to wait 1 year for every 4 years of marriage. Well in my case that would have me at about 1 year and a couple of months before I would be "ready". For me I feel it's kind of different. My kids are my reason for everything, and I would never want to do anything that would hurt them any more than they've already been hurt. Yes, I want them to have an active father in their life, but I don't want them to have men in and out of their lives. I think that could even do more damage.

Last night at bunco, one of my friends just came right out and asked me if I was dating yet. I first told her that I'm not even divorced yet. I have a moral problem with people who date before their divorce is final. Adultery is adultery in my eyes, and I believe in God's eyes also. So no, I will not be dating anytime in 2007. She went on to tell me, more than once or twice, that she has some great guys that she would really like me to date once I'm ready.

To be very honest, that's just all so weird for me to even hear. Don't get me wrong, it's crossed my mind more than once. I feel so differently now about dating, marriage, men...etc, etc. And let me just say, I'm not bitter at all. I have great hope of meeting someone wonderful someday and I believe that I will, but it's just kind of all weird that I even find myself here.

So many people tell me how well I am handling all of this, and I still say so much of that is because I have to. I don't know how well I'd be doing if I didn't have kids. I have to give them 100% of me, therefore I have to be 100%. But when it comes down to it, I am still a person who desires to be loved just like everyone else. And over the last 9 months, I have developed a pretty tough exterior, and the thought of being vulnerable to someone scares me. I don't want to get hurt again like I did.

Once again that is where my faith comes in to play. I think that God has given me a lot of wisdom, and his spirit continually helps me to be intuitive in many areas of my life. I think I am doing all the right things, and I will leave the matter of my heart up to God. And that after all is the best place for it to be.

I once heard that when it comes to dating if you want to find the right person that God has intended for you, then you need to get to where God is. Get to where He is and stay there, because that person that God desires for you will be there also. That has been very powerful to me, and I am just walking in faith that this will hold true for me. So I don't worry, but still it is wierd...

Church

We've had a pretty quiet week. It's been nice. Saturday Madi and I drove to Amarillo to meet Neva. She took us to see "Disney's Princesses on Ice" and then to eat dinner. It was nice just to get out of town. Madi and I don't get a lot of "girl time" by ourselves, so we enjoyed it.

I have bunco tomorrow night. I was supposed to host it this month, but I switched to the spring. Hopefully we'll be a little more settled by then, and it won't be quite so stressful on me to plan then. I am really looking forward to meeting with my group again. I haven't gotten to see them all as a group since May. I see lots of them at church on Sunday, but we haven't had a real chance to sit down and just be girls together. I love this group so much!!!

Sunday at church I was sitting there thinking about how it was 2 years ago that we started going to Monterey. We had been in Slaton for 4 years, and Madi was pre-school age, and we had agreed that when she got old enough we would start going to church in Lubbock. We wanted to find a church that the kids could grow up in, and that we could put some roots down as a family. I was a little reluctant, because I had listened to my dad preach for pretty much my whole life. It was going to be a little wierd, but I knew this was best for our family. So I was excited. Nathan wanted to go to Sunset, and that was the one place I said I wouldn't go. Not because of the church, but because that is where Nathan grew up. I thought that pretty much defeated the purpose of us finding a place for our family. There are so many people who have been so wonderful to me at Sunset. I could sit here and list them all and tell you why, but I'm not going to do that now. I will just say, that there are many people that are dear to my heart there.

John and Sheila went to Monterey, so I wanted to go there. Oddly, that was one church I never visited in college. I don't know...we just never did. Monterey had just built their new building, and so it seemed kind of neat that we were looking for a new church home, it was a new building, and it also helps that it was right by our house. From the moment I stepped in there, I just felt so at home. I never wanted to go anywhere else. So we didn't. That is where we landed.

Nathan didn't get involved like he said he would. It was at that point that he started dragging his heels on just about everything that had to do with church. I was lucky I got him to go. Which really made me mad, because I agreed to move, because he agreed that we would get involved. I kind of accepted the role of spiritual leader. He wasn't making any moves to do it, and I felt that somebody had to. I believe that having your kids at church is so important!!! It was just odd that I found myself in the position that I did. I grew up being at church every single time the doors were open. I guess I kind of had to, my dad was the preacher. But even if he hadn't been, that was where I wanted to be. Growing up, I had seen many women who were married with children that brought their kids to church and the dad wasn't there, for whatever reason. I didn't like that I was that woman, but I just kept praying. I prayed and prayed and prayed, that someday he would be the spiritual leader of our home that he should have been.

Well you all know the rest of the story...and here we are. But I still love being a part of Monterey. Over the last two years I haven't been able to get involved as much as I've wanted to. I have a great desire to help serve in many ways. Right now I know my service is in a different way. I can't really get out there and get my hands dirty, but I can help be an example to others. I can encourage and love others.

There have been so many people at Monterey who have been an encouragement to me. They have all been so loving, and just taken me in. I have them as a church family, but then I also have all of my church family in Slaton that still love me too. It's the best of both worlds!

In November, my mom and I are going to Ruidoso with the ladies from the church in Slaton for the weekend. No, we don't go to Ruidoso to hit the slot machines. I mean I guess if you wanted to that would be fine, but it's more for shopping and eating. I can't wait. That is the perfect time of year to go, because it's not freezing yet, but it's still sooo nice. I'm really looking forward to it. Neva is going to keep the kids for me that weekend.

Anyways, well I kind of got off on a tangent there. That's just really been on my mind a lot lately. It's funny how you don't think about those things happening at the time, but there was reason for that timing. God is always at work!!! I look forward to seeing what else He is working on.

Have a great week!

4 months and growing!

I'm a huge advocate for people dealing with their stuff. That's why I knew what happened yesterday was okay. There are people, for example Nathan, who avoid dealing with their pain, and they become destructive instead. Dealing with pain is hard, but man I am so thankful for the times that God literally forced me to stare it straight in the face. Back in February when it was such an incredibly difficult time, and I had so much time on my hands, I remember thinking that someday I would be thankful for that time. I wasn't working, the kids were going to mom's day out 2 days a week, I was so lonely. God made me think about it all the time. But I think that made me really deal with the meat of the issue. I am appreciative for that time now. It helps me when times like last night pop up. They don't derail me, they just sneak up on when I'm not expecting it. Especially coming from him. Nathan doesn't deal with his emotions. He is the most emotionally void person I've ever met in my life. He jokes...about everything! But you've all heard the song, "Tears of a clown", right? That is so Nathan.

I took a hot bath, went to bed, slept all night (thank you Mason!!!!) and woke up and was in a great mood, again. I have no reason to doubt the great things in my life. I am so excited about the future. I can't even begin to tell you. Excited about what exactly? I don't know! I'm just excited about everything. I have hopes and dreams, and I think that God is stretching me to expand those hopes and dreams.

I don't know...sometimes there is more on my mind than I say. If you can actually believe that. If I said everything that was on my mind, then I'd probably blog like 10 times a day. There are lots of details that I haven't shared, that sometimes I want to. And that's just for different reasons. I don't know, maybe someday I will.

On another note, Mason is 4 months today!!! That's 1/3 of a year!!!!! That is just truly amazing to me. I am posting a picture of him from when he was 6 weeks. I forgot to post them when I got them. He has slept from 9p.m to 6:30a.m. two nights in a row!!! It's been wonderful.

My old friend...grief

Odd title, maybe. Is grief really your friend? Yes, I would say so. For me anyways. Grief is normal, and grieving is healthy. It doesn't mean I like it though. I've been good. I've been great, and I still am. But yesterday I went with Nathan to notarize his part of the paperwork. I was fine. It was exactly 9 months to the day since he had left. I usually don't keep track anymore, I just happened to realize it.

So today he calls me and says, "is that it?" I was like, what do you mean? I told him that we wait now, and my attorney will call me and then I go to court and sit in front of the judge, answer some questions, and then that is it. And he tells me that he is kind of sad, and it's kind of all hit him that it's over. SAD???? DON'T TELL ME ABOUT SAD. YOU DON'T KNOW SAD. AND WHEN I WAS SAD, YOU REJECTED ME, AND TOLD ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE.

Awwww....that made me angry. I've had nine months to know about being sad, and I want no part of that anymore. But yes, it is sad. It is sad for a lot of reasons. And so I revisit grief. But oddly enough, grief is my friend. And tomorrow is a new day.

I think I'm going to sit outside...look at the sky...pray...get some clarity...goodnight

You Make Me Smile Too!!!

Who knew that blogging would become so important to me. It seems to have taken on a life of it's own for me. I enjoy it so much, if you can't tell!!! I've been in an especially bloggity mood lately.

My friend Susan nominated me for an award. I met Susan how I have met so many other bloggers, just by passing by a blog that they left a comment on that intrigued me. After commenting on her blog, she sent me an email and told me some personal details about her life that really touched me. I look up to her, and admire her strength. Her blog is so full of history, family, and God! It is really neat.

This is what she said about me: I smile with delight when I read the courage and faith this young, single mother of three walks in. She truly is making lemonade out of the lemons she was given and doing it with such grace and ease.

So now I'm giving out the award. She gave it to 10 people. I'm giving it to one. Well actually two. But I only know one of them personally.

My friend Sara makes me smile. I've known Sara for many years now. We met in college. I'm not sure if she didn't like me, but I didn't like her. And honestly I don't know what started it. I'm sure it all had to do with dumb club stuff. She was in CD's and I was in Kappa, and we were all retarded. Chrissy and I use to take it upon ourselves to terrorize anyone in CD's that we felt deserved it. (Once upon a time I was really stuck up...I think anyways.)

Well somehow she became one of my sisters best friends. And so of course at some point our paths would cross. Well now looking back, I don't know why I didn't like her. She is so sweet, kind and caring!!! It's so funny how when you pre-judge people, you're always wrong! I am anyways! I can certainly say back then I never thought we'd be friends now, but I'm so glad we are! She makes me smile! :)

Okay and the next person who makes me smile, well I don't actually know him, but I wish I did. Does that count? :) It's Wentworth Miller from Prison Break. I think he is soooo cute. So many women think Matthew McCaunaghey (sp?) is so cute. I just think he's gross. I mean he self-admittedly does not wear deodorant? He said that on a Barabra Walters special. I don't care how good your stomach looks, if you stink, then move on! So anyways, Wentworth Miller makes me smile.

I know I kind of strayed from the norm there in giving awards. I was just watching Prison Break, and I had forgotten just how cute he is!!!

Awww!!!

A Good Day

Church was so good this morning. I'm going back to Monterey now. Children's church has started back and for someone like me, it is a must! Sitting through church without it is very stressful. So I am glad to be back. I really thought getting in and out would be very stressful with three children, but they all did great today. "Always have a plan" is what I live by these days. And know that with kids, plans don't always work. So you also have to be flexible.

So I got to sit in class and church by myself and enjoy it!!! The lesson was about bondage. They had two men talk about how they had broken out of their bondage. One has been in prison and was on drugs, and the 0ther had cancer. I think one of the most powerful things is to hear someone share their story of faith. And for some reason the worse the bondage is, the more we see Christ work and see His glory. It was very powerful to me. I can relate so much, and I think we all can. I've never been in prison or had cancer, but I do know pain. We all know what that feels like in our own ways and own experiences.

I really hope that God will use me to help others. I think He already is, there is just so much behind the scenes going on that we never know about. I do know that God wants us to be prepared. He didn't send John out without preparation. He studied for many, many years. So who knows what God has planned. And with God, I know it will be great. I'll just hang along for the ride.

Something happened to me this week...yet another blessing. I have blessings of all sorts happening to me all the time. I can probably count daily something that someone does for me. Some are big, some are small, but they all touch my heart. The blessing I received this week that I am refering to struck me in paticular, because of what was said to me. I had a friend come over. She told me she wanted to give me something. The first thing she gave me was the little Red Raider outfit that Mason has on in that picture in my previous post. When she gave it to me, I told her that I hadn't bought any Red Raider gear for Mason. She knew why. Nathan, as many of you know, was OBSESSED with Red Raider football. That seemed to dominate his life for about 4 months of the year. And when he left, I was left with a very bad taste in my mouth for Tech. You may think that's dumb, but he was friends with a lot of them, and I was pointing my fingers blaming many different people and things for his departure. In fact, this is funny to me now, but around New Year's I was going through his cell phone bill calling numbers I didn't recognize, and one happened to be the defensive MVP player of the year's number. I just please asked that he didn't tell Nathan that I had called him. And I never heard about it from Nathan. My little sister had this guy convinced that she found his number on the stall of the bathroom in Whataburger. Good athlete...dumb as a rock. Anyways, all that to say, I threw out every Tech piece of clothing I owned. I almost became a Texas fan...almost. I just couldn't do it. But she bought me that outfit, and she knew what I was thinking. And she told me, that she bought that for me, and not for Nathan. And I said you know you're right. I liked them, before he did. So I put the little outfit on him and took his picture. I miss going to the football games. I really enjoyed it. Someday I hope that is something I get to do again.

My friend gave me something else to. She got really upset, and told me that it was from a group of people who loved me. She wouldn't tell me who they were, but that they all wanted me to know how much I meant to them. She told me that I was giving back by the way I was leading my life faithfully, raising my children, and still keeping my head held high. To hear those words melts my heart. I hope and pray that others see that this is not me...this is truly God's work. My life is a miracle, because of God. I no longer live in bondage because of the path God has given me to follow. And it's a path that we can all follow.

A lot of times reference to me how I have chosen to live my life. But they way I see it is, I had no choice. I mean what was I supposed to do besides get up and get on with life? I guess I could have wallowed in self pity, but I had 2.5 kids at the time who needed a strong momma to help them. And then I think well I guess I could have chosen a life of drugs and crime. Well if you know me, then you know I would be about the world's dumbest criminal, and drugs and I just don't mix. I mean I can't even take NO-doze and not be psycho. Yes, there is a funny story there, that I'll save for another time. But I don't know, that's just a thought on my part. And really and truly I say this with all honesty. When all this happened, I knew the outcome already. I knew that although I was in the midst of complete turmoil, my spirit already knew how someday it would not always be that way. I have this whole theory on how the spirit and the physical can actually be separate from one another and at some point they catch up with each other. I hope I didn't just lose some of you there. Sometimes I know I can go out on tangents that I probably don't explain all that well.

But anyways...I don't know...it's been a good day. I'm thankful for more and more of those.

A little of this and that...

Today was Madi's first soccer game. She did very well for her first time! I don't actually know who won. They don't take score, and I lost track. I am so glad she is playing a team sport. I think it such a valuable lesson for her to be learning! Everything isn't about "me"...priceless!!!

In reference to last my last post, I would just like to thank you all. I'm glad to know that's normal. Nathan used to do that, but I question everything Nathan used to do...and I certainly never saw my dad do it, so I don't have much to judge it by. We were leaving the fields today, and Kyle had to go sooo bad. I could tell that he wasn't going to make it. They have port-a-potties, but I am just not a port-a-potty kind of person. I can do lots of things, but that is one thing that grosses me out. So I just took him in front of my car, where no one could see. My dad walks up, and I told him that I had to let him go there, and he says, "well you know the world is a man's urinal." Yes, dad, I know!!! :)

At home with Kyle.Happy Baby!

This has been a really good week. The best I'd say we've had. I can't really pinpoint why, I just think we're moving on and adjusting to things, and making a life for ourselves. We have a lot to look forward to, and of course I love this time of year, so it certainly gives me a lot to be happy about.

Mason is doing so well, and that is a big part of why I am feeling so much better too. I wouldn't mind if he'd start sleeping a little more, but that will come in time. I'm fixing to start him on cereal, so maybe that might help fill him up a little more. That never worked with Madi or Kyle, but the 3rd time is the charm, right?

I think I'm just in a different frame of mind too. I'm happy. I'm content with myself. I am learning to adjust no matter the circumstance. I know that God wants good things for me. I don't know what those things are, but I trust Him enough to know that He's guiding me through all of this. And that alone gives me a huge amount of comfort!!! Life still has his crazy moments, but really who with small children, married or single, doesn't have those moments? We all do. I'm just the lone ranger right now, but I've got a lot of support, so that helps me too.

Anyways, well I have very whiny, tired kids...my favorite! Madi is begging me to help her draw a mermaid. I'm trying to figure out what to do for dinner. It's only 4:30, but by the time I get it done, it will probably be close to 6. And they are definately going to bed early tonight. We've had a full day!

Raising Boys...I have a lot to learn!

Okay, I grew up with 2 sisters. I have 3 boy cousins on my mom's side of the family, but other than that, I don't have much exposure to being around boys. But I guess that God wanted me to have boys, and knew I would somehow be equipped to raise them.

I don't know who to blame...my dad...my father-in-law. I'm pretty sure both. I actually know for a fact that I can't blame Kyle's father for this one, but what is the deal with boys peeing outside? I understand that they all think that the world is a man's urinal, but really. Just because you can pee outside doesn't mean that you really need to. Fortunately he was in the backyard, and no one was injured.

Thankful Wednesday

All day I've thought it was Thursday, and I wanted to do a Thankful Thursday, but I don't think I'll have time tomorrow. So instead I'm doing a Thankful Wednesday. There's nothing wrong with being thankful every day of the week!

I am thankful for my appointment with my attorney. Things went well, and the process has been started! Hallelujah! He, Nathan, is waiving his right to be served, so I am going to deliver the paperwork to him, and we will get it notarized, and then get it filed. No less than 60 days later, I will be a free woman. That is as long as he agrees to what is in the petition. If not, and I do not for see that, then it will be longer. I will come out of this with my maiden name as well.

I am thankful for a great boss. Today he says, "I'm not trying to get in your business, but how are you on money?" Wow!!! He genuinely cares for my well being, and the care of my children. I couldn't ask for a more blessed situation.

I am thankful for getting to be home with Kyle and Mason. I can see so many benefits already, and it's giving me an opportunity to spend a lot of one on one time with Kyle that I've never had. I get to help him work on manners, being obedient, and not to mention the joy I have in watching him grow into a young boy. I love it when he sings "Our God is an Awesome God"...he says, "He wains from heaven above." It's so cute.

I am thankful for the opportunity I was given yesterday to see some of my old real estate affiliates. I had the best conversation with one of them, who is the 2nd largest producing real estate agent in Lubbock. He did wonders for my self-esteem yesterday, along with everyone else I saw. They were all so genuinely happy to see how good I looked (35 pounds lighter, thank you!) and to know that I haven't let this situation get the best of me. It was a wonderful feeling, and through that opportunity, I overcame a lot of what I felt was trying to hold me back.

I am thankful for ALL my friends and family, who love me and support what I am trying to accomplish.

I am thankful that I am child of God!!!

***By the way, I'm having a divorce party, and you're all invited! Call me tacky, if you will, but I'm going to have fun!***

Praise God!

I talked to the doctor's office and everything is fine with Mason's head! I thought it was, but still you never know. Thanks to everyone for all their prayers and concern. I am very relieved. He has been doing soooooo much better. I think we just had a bad month. He has just really come alive now with his personality, and it talking and smiling all the time. Just what a mother wants to see and hear, it's been great!

On another note, tomorrow is a big day for me. I have an appointment with my attorney for one thing. And I have another appointment. I'll go into more detail later, but it's something that is a big deal for me, and it's something I just have to do. I'm excited, and I know I am being led, and I take complete comfort that what comes out of this appointment, or what doesn't come out of this appointment is all from God. So think of me if you will, that I may remain confident in resting in God's favor.

Well that's all for now. Nathan's mom is coming into town for the evening. We're very glad to have her here. This is the first time that she's stayed with us since all this began, and I'm glad she will be here. I have gotten to know her better outside of all this mess, and I have been blessed for it.

Thanks for all your prayers!

Birth Control...everybody needs some

***The following is something I found from someone's blog who also thought it was funny. This is an actual post that a woman put on ebay for some pokemon cards that she is trying to sell. It's very funny. It's really long, but I think every mother can appreciate this kind of humor. And if you don't have kids and you don't want this kind of thing happening, then I suggest you get yourself fixed now. ***

I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.
You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering into your fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.

“The Lecture“ goes like this…
MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’re eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”
OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.
Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.
At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they all yours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!
“Oh my, you have your hands full.”
“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.
We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!”
I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tell you, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???”
“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”
With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.
A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those your kids?”
Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just started following me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”
OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’m tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of “Can we gets” begins.
“Can we get donuts?”
“No.”
“Can we get cupcakes?”
“No.”
“Can we get muffins?”
“No.”
“Can we get pie?”
“No.”
You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just getting started.
In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.
In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Are all six yours?”
I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”
(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)
Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent. They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh “child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.
Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.
As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say “influenza”?
The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.
Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we have candy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.
As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”
Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”
So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't there's anything special about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.
Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)

A New Pasture

***I'll explain my title first. My friend Elaina, who is my divorce care leader, explains how the longer you go through this process you come back around to the same feelings, but you see them and experience them in a different way. It's like a fence to a new pasture.***

So I find myself in a new pasture. It's a place that I have visited before, but I am revisiting it again. This time around I know what the pasture is like and fortunately I think the gate to the next pasture is not nearly as far as it was last time. And most importantly I know who is waiting for me on the other side of the gate. I'm so thankful to be led by someone completely trustworthy, and who is always looking out for me and my best interest.

Feeling this way, is kind of like dejavu for me, and the hurtful feelings I felt then. The absolute injustice I felt was probably the worst. The constant question of, "how could you do that?" Well I'm just not surprised by anything in this life anymore. And really I'm not surprised to once again be at this pasture.

I guess maybe I should be a little bit more detailed and maybe you could understand better. Well for the last nine months, through all of this craziness, I have tried hard not to put hope in HIM. (Nathan) I have tried to just go on my way, and not be affected by HIS decisions. Once I decided to completely let go things really did change. I've done a pretty decent job I'd say. Well HE made a decision that HE wanted to be a better person and be more involved, and of course I allowed that with opened arms. HE still wasn't supporting us enough that I could pay my bills, but HE seemed to be trying. So I continued to be supportive. It didn't change anything in the way I felt for HIM, and it never would, but I had hope for HIM as a person, and as a father.

Well I think I'm seeing the writing on the walls again. I think I've been to this rodeo before, so I ask myself, "whatcha' gonna do?" And really I don't think there is anything I can do. And that is a revelation! I can't do anything. I can't control anything. However, I can chose to continue to be led by Christ through this, because as I remember before, Christ will bless me for my faithfulness, and my choice to let go and let God handle the injustice. God doesn't like injustice, and he knows it happens all the time. I remember reading scripture after scripture of good people who were treated unfairly, and God knows. He sees and He redeems. Those scriptures kept me grounded, and got me through that time. There were times when I wanted to take my hurt and anger and visit the local brick company, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I have chosen to carry myself with dignity and honor and know that I will be rewarded. And again, I will do the same this time too. And fortunately this time I think it will be a lot easier.

No news yet

It's been a long day. Mason did great. We don't know anything yet, and I probably won't know until Monday I am guessing. They said it would be 48 hours. I am supposed to call Dr. Hanson tomorrow (Mason's pediatrician) and update her on how he is doing, so if they know anything they'll tell me. But I'm not holding my breath.

They did end up having to put him under, but they didn't have to use an I.V. They just used gas. I figured they would, because they tell you to not let them sleep before, so that maybe they'll sleep through the MRI. Well try telling a 3 month old, hungry baby to lay there and go to sleep. Yeah right! He was a champ though, and recovered quickly. However, it was more of a process than I was expecting. They treat it like it's outpatient surgery. I don't know if it's because he was a baby or what. I didn't think an MRI was that big of a deal.

As soon as I know something, I'll let you all know. I appreciate your prayers, and to those of you that called, thank you as well. We are definitely loved, that is for sure.

.............................................................................................................................................................

On a different note, say a prayer for me. I'm just in a weird place. Not really a good place, not really a bad place...just a weird place. I think a lot of it was just today, and being by myself through the process. It sucked, and it made me mad. I've been reading the Bible a lot, which is good. I am just finding myself on a quest for more answers. And not answers to my situation, just spiritual answers. And really I don't know what questions I'm asking, so therefore I don't know what kind of answers I'm looking for...but I'm still looking. I just want more spiritually, and I want to be more, and the scary thing is the last time I was in that frame of mind of wanting more is when my world turned upside down. Be careful what you pray for, right? :) But seriously, I think this is a good thing. I know that searching for God only brings you to a better place, it's just kind of confusing for me right now. Some days I feel so bipolar!!! I mean I have good days and bad days. And then I tell myself that I'm not bipolar, I am just a person who has gone through a very large amount of poo in the last 9 months (wow...9 months!!!) and is doing the best I can to survive so that one day I can thrive. And I will...yes, I will survive, and one day I will thrive. And searching for God is the beginning of that. I just need to clear my head, and really I need a good nights sleep. I know that will help a ton. When I don't sleep, I don't function. So I am going to do my best to get the kiddos down early, so that I may also get down early! Thanks for everything!

All in a Day's work

Well I think this working at home thing may work out well.

So far today I have managed to:

1. drop Madi off at school
2. run to the office to get some files
3. EFFECTIVELY work from home
4. cook Kyle lunch
5. eat lunch myself
6. do 2 loads of laundry
7. start dinner
8. Get Kyle down for a nap
9. Blog

And I even have my hair done and make-up on, and it's only 1pm. Now that's what I call effective use of time. I still have a long list of things to do, but I'm well on my way.

If you will say a prayer for Mason tomorrow. We have to be at Covenant at 11, and they'll do the CT scan at 1. I feel good about it. I don't think it's going to be a big deal, but prayers won't hurt that is for sure. And really I guess the hardest part of it for me is being alone. I don't like having to do this kind of stuff alone, but I don't really have a choice. I'll update as soon as I know something! Love you guys!

Am I just tired?

Well my cousin has informed me that "must've" is a real word. And she is right, in Texas anything can be a contraction. It just doesn't look right, or sound right. I think I need a nap.

English 101

How do you know when it's been too long since you were in school? When you start making up words that don't belong in the English language. I wrote an email today, and tried to use the word, "must've"...which would be a contraction for must have.

Whew...I need help.

You are not alone

Well this has been a good day. It's been a nice weekend. We got to spend time with family and do some fun things. I feel like our lives are turning into some sense of normal. We are getting into a good routine anyways. I like routine, and my kids do well on routines. So it works out well for us all.

Kyle and Mason will start school tomorrow. Kyle is pretty excited, I think. He likes having a special place to go to, just like Madi does. He is very excited about his new spiderman backpack.

It's crazy to me that we're already in September, football has started, and Halloween is less than two months away. I'm not sure if I'm ready for all of us, but ready or not, right???!!!

I read something recently that has just struck me. Back in June my mom told me about this man who lost his wife just a few weeks after she had their son, who is also named Mason. My Mason and their Mason are only a few days or few weeks apart. They haven't been able to completely figure out what happened to her, I believe it had something to do with her heart. Anyways, he has been left with a baby and a daughter who is around Madi's age, I think.

Reading his blog I can relate to so much of how he feels. Oh man, how I can relate! Our situations are a little different, however, we've both been left with big responsibilities. It just really got me to thinking about how none of us are alone. And I know that, but sometimes we get reminders of that, and it's humbling. I can get so wrapped up in what I'm feeling and dealing with that I forget that there are so many others out there who need the prayers too. And of course I guess because I do know how difficult it is, I am very empathetic to those who are going through what I am also experiencing myself. So along with myself, please pray for the Carr family.

Divorcecare starts back next Sunday. I'm going to go again. I won't go every week, but I'm going to revisit some topics that would probably be good for me to go over again. I'm at such a different place now, then when I was back in February when we first started, that I think it would be good for me. This first week we have to tell our story. Ahhhh my story...I'm still thinking on that one. What is my story? I don't like this part, because it's so emotional, but it's good to get to know everyone that way. And your story changes over time. I think my story has drastically changed since February. Back then when asked what my story was, I was more like, "how the heck did I get here....and Calgon please take me away!" Well I've had some time to adjust and heal...so once again when asked what my story is, I'm not sure what I'll say. And I'm sure I'll cry. Like I've said before, you can't go through something like this and not be emotional when you have to share. It's part of being human.

Well that's all for now. I hope everyone is having a happy Labor Day!

Aunt SuzAnne bought her this dress to wear to school. She looks so professional.
Bubble beard
Mason at 3 1/2 months....this was a good day.

We had cake that turned all of our teeth black.
2nd day of school.

First Day of School

Proud mama!
My big kindergartner!
Her proud little brother

I have internet!!!

I am so excited to have internet again at my house. I haven't had it for 6 months now! I've had to blog at work or at my parents house. Well since I'll be working from home now, I have to have it. I am so thrilled! I'm not up and running 100% yet. I still have to figure out how to get my fax machine to network and all that, but Lord willing that will be done soon. I am so impressed with myself. I got my computer put together all by myself. I even got the internet working by myself. That is huge for me. I'm pretty proud.

It's been another tough week with Mason, but things have been great the last two days, so I am very hopeful. We went back to the dr. on Friday, because he was still throwing up. We were going on day 10. They did an upper GI test on him, and things look okay. It does show he has reflux, but we already knew that. That test was the coolest thing ever to watch. They had him drinking the bottle of barium, and you could see it moving down his esophagus and into his stomach...so neat! The human body is amazing.

They are doing a full head CT on Thursday. Not really because of the throwing up, but because of his head. It's kind of a sensitive subject with me, but the back of his head is pretty mis-shaped. Enough that his pediatrician, along with her partner, thing it would be good just to have it checked out to be cautionary. I was really pushing to have it done. If by his four month appointment it hadn't gotten any better, we were going to go see the neurologist, but she decided to go ahead and go this route. We have to be at the hospital at 11am, and they're not doing it until 1pm, but they said not to feed him that morning. Pray for me, because I'm not sure how that's going to work out. He's a baby! He eats every 4 hours!

I really feel that everything will be fine. I don't think there is anything wrong with him, but I am relieved to be having the test done. I am so grateful for good health care and a good doctor. I never really thought about it with the other two, because they were so healthy. Besides Kyle's ears, I've never dealt with anything like this. So I feel very fortunate to be with a good system that is doing the best for my little man.

Madi had a great week. She just loves school. It is so wonderful for her. I am so thankful that I don't have a child who was clinging to my leg. There were some parents that were still struggling with that on Friday. I'll give her one more week to adjust, and then I think she'll be ready to start walking in the door by herself. She is just so big!!!

Kyle and Mason will start at South Plains on Tuesday. They will both go two days a week. I wanted to get them in at Monterey, but there was a wait list. South Plains will be very convenient for me. It's about 2 minutes from my office. I am planning on going to the office on Tuesday and Thursday's. Those will be my days to be out and "network." I think that is the dumbest word, but that is what I'll be doing. My boss asked me if I liked the word "sell yourself" better. I said no. So networking it is!

We were supposed to go to Kyle and Mason's open house on Thursday night, and then I was going to meet some friends at DQ, but Mason had the worst day ever that day! He cried from noon-7pm. They only way he wouldn't cry was if you were holding him. I was so absolutely exhausted that I couldn't even see straight. So we didn't make it. I was really wanting them to meet their teachers, but it just didn't work out. Kyle is very excited. He got a new backpack and lunchbox. I am so very, very grateful for them to get to be a part of a mom's day out program again. I really think they are such great programs.

That night Sheila came over and brought me dinner after the kids went to bed. I enjoyed my chili cheese coney very much, and enjoyed her company even more! It really perked me up, because I was just so tired and really down emotionally. But like I said, the last two days have been great, so I don't know maybe all this throwing up had just been a really long bug. He hasn't thrown up in 36 hours, which is the longest he's gone. And he's actually taking naps now, so I am hopeful that we are turning a corner here. And if he's not, then we'll figure out what's wrong eventually. I've really been saying, "this too shall pass" a lot lately, because it's true. Everything passes. "The troubles of today will be erased by the sands of time." (That's a fortune I got a couple of months ago at Pei Wei. I keep it on my dashboard of my car.)

I'm very excited about working from home. I am not going to pretend that this is going to be easy. It will have his challenges. I will have to keep my communication with my boss way up! And always be on my toes, however, there are just so many positives. For one, what I will pay in daycare for one week, I will be paying in one month...actually less. And I'm encouraged about keeping Mason healthier. And I'm so excited to be home with the boys. On Friday they were both with me, and it reminded me of when Madi was Kyle's age and Kyle was a baby. That wasn't that long ago, yet it was! And now I have a child in public school! My goodness, time is flying!

Madi starts soccer practice on Tuesday. Her team is the ponytails. And they wear pink...her favorite! She is so excited, and I'm so excited for her.

Life has had some big challenges lately, but man I love these kids, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so blessed to be a mom.