Needy

I finished the book! All 400+ pages of it. And I have to say my heart has never been more touched by a book in my life. I just cried and cried last night. Not in a bad way, but you know when you're just so overcome by something that has touched you, it can happen. At school I would try to keep the tears back, but it was hard. All the kids kept asking me what I was reading and when I said, "Redeeming Love" they were like, "ick, gross, blah!" If they only knew what they were missing.

I was thinking today and reflecting what I learned from the story, and I started thinking about how needy I am. I find myself saying at least once a day, "God I need a miracle today." And I manage to get through the day. I manage to have food on my table, and a roof over my head. And I know that's because God supplies me with all my needs. And I started thinking how tired God must be of me always needing something. But then I realized, that being needy is what God wants from me. He just wants to make sure I am looking in the right place for my needs. He wants me to pour out my heart with every single thing I need. He wants to finally and completely surrender control, and realize that He can supply EVERYTHING for me. Even things that a human could supply, He wants to be able to do for me.

I think the reason why that idea is hard for me, is because of the society we live in. "Be independent, do it yourself! Watch out for yourself, because no one else will!" That's not true, and living like that is hurting me. It's making me look for comfort and care in the wrong places, when there is only one place I can get that from. I have to surrender every part of me to God and know that He is sufficient for me...and no one else. God will use people to help me, but I need to look to him first, and not get so wrapped up in the how and why of things in my life.

So being needy isn't such a bad thing. But where I look for my needs to be met is what makes all the difference in the world. I've been there done that and looked for my saviour in this world, and I got really hurt. The part in that book where Sarah looks to Michael and thinks he is her savior, I can completely identify with that. I did that. I worshiped an earthly god, and have realized that I already have a Saviour, and always have, I just never looked in the right place for him. I won't make that mistake again. The cost is too high, and the pain too great.

I am so thankful I now have someone who I know loves me unconditionally, and will never let me down. He will take care of my every need. I just have to keep looking to Him.

A Calmer Day

I am feeling better. I am just going to call yesterday what it was, a bad day. And we all have those. Life doesn't excuse any of us from those!

I had a really peaceful evening, and spent time in prayer and have just been more calm about everything. I will say it is so timely for me to be reading that book. (Redeeming Love) There are just so many things I have learned from it already, and it does give me greater hope of a better future. And there are lots of things I have learned about forgivness from it as well. It's one of those kinds of books that you wish would never end.

Well I didn't have but a quick second, and I just wanted to post this real quick. Thanks for your continued encouragement! I love you guys!

Frustrated

I haven't posted about myself in a while. And really I have been doing well. Moving to Slaton was the best decision I've made through this process. Not only do I have help with the kids, but just the emotional and psychological stress of being in the same town with Nathan was very difficult, and so much of that has been eliminated. I am very thankful.

Today I had a hard afternoon. There are just some things that I don't understand. I even question God. It's not that I don't think He doesn't know what He's doing, but I don't understand why I would be put in situations that are just not good for me. I don't think I'm being punished, and I am fully aware that God is in control and that this will all work out, but I still find myself being frustrated and puzzled at some of the things I have to deal with. And the absolutely maddening part is that I did not make this choice. This was thrown at me, and yet I have to deal with the reperucussions. It's then I become very angry. But what can I do? Nothing. I can pray. I can hope. I can have faith. And those are all the things I need to be focusing on, because the other will drive me to do something that will probably have me sporting a nice, bright orange jumpsuit and well, really orange isn't a good color for me.

But I tell you I sure look forward to the day, when I can say, "no more." And someday that day will come. It may take a couple of years, but that day will come. I just have to hang on until then. For now, thanks for listening to me vent.

Update

I had a great weekend. Nathan's mom took the kids for me and I got to have some free time. Since I've been working it's so much harder to get things done, so I pretty much spent all weekend just catching up on everything that needed to get done since we moved. I'm still not done, but I made a dent in it and still managed to find time for myself.

Saturday my mom and I went to a thing at Monterey called "The Girlfriend's Share Fair". It was fun. It was just a girly kind of thing and we both enjoyed it. Sunday I went to church at Monterey, and then had lunch with John and Sheila. Then Sheila and I went to Barnes and Noble. I was looking for a new book to read. I bought "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers and I LOVE IT!!! I started it yesterday and I'm almost to page 160. I have heard a lot of you say that you read it and loved it, so I thought I'd give it a try. Someone also suggested "The Scarlett Thread" by Francine Rivers as well. I think I will try that one next.

I was looking for something to read, because I have had a change in my job. I am still at the high school, but they moved me to to do something else. I can't say what it is. It's not like on top secret high alert status or anything, but it does require confidentiality, and I'm pretty sure posting that on the internet would go against that idea.

Not a lot is going on other than that. I started going through all my baby stuff and sorting out what I've got and what I'm going to need. Time is just flying and I figured I'd better get that done in case this one decides to come early, like Kyle did!

Madi has a program tomorrow night at school. She is excited. And Kyle is still doing great with the potty training. Even being out of town and on the road he did great! I'm so proud!

Toilet Talk

A very proud moment just occured for me as a mother. My son just went number 1 and 2 in the potty. What a glorius day! And there is no sarcasm in that at all!!!!!! His daycare asked if they could start trying to potty train him, and I was like, "yes, please! I need all the help I can get!" I had tried, with no success. Well he went yesterday, but was very disturbed. And we had a very hard night last night. He ended up sleeping with me, because he was so bothered by this potty business, and I thought we were just going to have to stop, because he was not ready. Well they tried again today, and he is doing great, and is proud of himself now. I even have to credit my dad, who is not the kind who does these kinds of things well, for a lot of the help.

It's funny how in life our worlds change when we have kids, and the things that used to be important to us no longer are. Getting this done will make my life so much easier when Mason gets here, and I really am thankful! Yeah for Kyle!!!!! :)

Hope

You can't turn on the news and not hear about the Virginia Tech tragedy. I just can't even imagine what that is like and what it will continue to be like for the school, students, community, and family. If that had happened here in Lubbock at Tech, I think as a member of the community I would have just been shell shocked.

Yesterday when I was driving back from lunch I was listening to the radio, and the man was saying how there are a lot of people in this world who need a lot of hope right now. Boy, if that's not an understatement. I saw the clip on the news of the student who captured the noise of the shots on his cell phone. It scared me. I could sense the evil that was happening, and it really did freak me out. We all have questions of what kind of person could bring themself to do that. Sometimes I wonder if most people think this world is more full of evil or more full of love. I think a lot of times we see the evil and destruction more than we do the love. Maybe it's because of our media, maybe it's not. I don't know.

As a Christian I have hope. I see this horrible event and know that yes, satan is out there and he is loving what is going on. We may be able to see the evidence of his power, HOWEVER, God is working too. And HE is MORE powerful.

If I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't have any hope for this world. And I pray for those people who aren't Christians and see this horrible event and wonder, why??? How??? Even being a Christian, I still have those questions about this situation. I still have questions about my everyday life, but I think of Hebrews 11:1. "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." I have the faith and hope that God is working, and although it's hard sometimes to see Him, I know He's there. I will not allow satan to trick me into believing that he is the one with all the power, and God is just sitting back. God does not take the backseat in anything. I hope you all have a blessed week.

Baby Mason

I had my ultrasound done on thursday. They weren't for sure if they were going to be able to do the 3-D or not, because he wouldn't move his foot out of in front of his face. Finally they got some. I think he looks like Kyle did. He is about 3.9 pounds. And they said everything looks great. I am getting close!

Good Friends

I wanted to mention what happened on thursday night. It was the first night in our new place, and I had some visitors stop by! My friend, Lisa, organized a pounding for me. If you don't know what a pounding is; it is where people bring a pound of this (food or any other household item) or a pound of that to someone who has moved to a new place or new town. I'm familiar with them, because generally churches do them for the new preacher when they move. And my dad is a preacher, so we've had a few.

I was so surprised! I just didn't even know what to say. My pantry is full and so is my freezer, and I haven't had to go to the store. It's been great! Once again, I find myself saying thank you to so many people. I am so blessed, and so thankful. I am one who doesn't ask for help easily, and this has been odd for me getting so much help and support. Maybe it's something I have needed to learn. And it's definately taught me how much I want to give back to others in need. Thanks so much guys for all you did. God Bless You!!!

Easter and other things...

The snow is finally gone! But we all braved the elements and hunted eggs outside anyways. If you read my sister, Suzanne's blog, she inaccurately told the story of the egg hunt. For the record, she does not win every year. I clearly remember the last time we hunted eggs I found the prize egg. She also thinks that she is the tallest. In fact, both of my sisters think they are the tallest but I tower over them by a clear 1/4 of an inch. So it's an ongoing battle trying to keep things straight in the family.

I have two things to say about high schoolers today. For one, if you're going to cut someone down by saying they swallow, SPELL IT RIGHT! I mean seriously, swollow??? And I don't care if you don't participate in athletics or not, get a hair cut. I mean some of these kids look like they belong in horror movies. I am subbing in boys P.E. right now. One of the coaches forgot about a meeting he had, so they stuck me in here. Fortunately we're just watching a movie and I'm not helping with any sort of organized sport. That could be comical. I'll post some pictures later.

I don't think I've ever been so thankful for the Easter holiday, as I am for this one. Mostly because I don't have to work much. I have finally been able to get some unpacking done. Madi and I have been over there this afternoon and working together. Well, I've been working. She got a new C.D. player from her grandma, and she has been jamming all afternoon to the Backyardigans.

My dad took Kyle to Lubbock to get both haircuts for the both of them. He has just been so helpful. Him and Kyle have really taken a liking to each other. My dad never had boys. He grew up with 3 brothers, but he never had a son. So I think Kyle is the like the son he never had. And of course I am so grateful, because I do think he needs that fatherly influence. He is quite possibly the most laid back 2 1/2 year old I've ever seen, so he's easy to take care of. Say a prayer for his ears if you will. He got an ear infection this week. The tube in his left ear fell out again. We are going the route of treating it with allergy medicine this time. Since he will be 3 soon, we are hoping that he will outgrow this. And if we can clear up the allergies then his ears won't be a problem.

I'm getting my hair done Saturday. I can't wait! I think a new cut and color is quite possibly the best mood lifter ever!

Happy Easter everyone!

It's Party Time!

Princess Madi

Madi and Mommy
Charlotte's Web

My mom, cousin Ryder, and Madi
Cheese!
Ryder

Aunt Suzanne

My favorite mouse

Madi had a great day today. She even got balloons sent to her at school from Colt, Suzanne, and Ryder. She has just had the best day! I still can't get over her being 5 years old! It's so hard for me to believe that 5 years ago I was laying in a hospital bed waiting for her to be born. She was born at 10:57 p.m. and she weighed 6 pounds and 13 ounces. She has been a lively little girl ever since that day! My life would certainly not be as fun without her. She is all girl!

Happy Birthday Madi!

Tomorrow my baby girl will be 5 years old. I can't believe I am even saying that! It is hard to believe that my precious girl is already so grown up. As you can imagine this has been kind of hard for me. I've done pretty well, but I think it's kind of hit me today.

We had her party tonight at Chuck E. Cheese, her favorite place. It all went really well. Nathan came to the party. I didn't really know how all of that was going to pan out. I thought it was important for her daddy to be at her party, but his involvement in their lives the last couple of months hasn't been that active. However, we are seeing some improvement, and for their sake I am very happy about that.

I didn't know if it would be akward or not. My parents hadn't seen him since he left, but all of us, Nathan included have to be adults about this, and do what is best for the kids. And I think we all did that. I was fine, until Nathan left and said goodbye to Kyle and he asked if he could go with him, and Nathan said, "no buddy, I gotta go." Kyle was disappointed, and it broke my heart. I am fine, I will survive, but it's my precious babies that I hurt so much for.

Madi is taking cupcakes to school tomorrow for her birthday. She is so excited. She got some really neat presents. It was a good time. Suzanne took pictures for me. I couldn't even begin to figure out where my camera is. It is in a box somewhere! We are still at my parents house, I am hoping maybe tomorrow night we will spend the night over there. If not we only have school half day on thursday and we don't have school on Friday or Monday. So eventually we will get unpacked. So as soon as I get the pics from her I will post them.

Madi, I love you so much! You are so precious and the light of my life! Happy 5th Birthday!!