What in the world

Okay, I'm a little frustrated. I hit the update button on my blog...my layout button...GONE. My links...GONE. It wiped out it all and I can't figure out how to fix it. I know I'm computer challenged, but seriously...this is ridiculous. I don't suggest hitting the upgrade button.

Until further notice, I have moved my blog. Click right here and you can get to it. Sorry for all of you that have it linked. If I can figure it out, I'll move it back, but until then...

It's a new week!

I'm glad we're into a new week. I'm not sure how everyone else's was, but mine was hard. It just seemed like there were so many "life" details that I had to figure out last week. So much to figure out, plan for, and re-plan for. I almost didn't get to go to the Tech game yesterday, because my sitter cancelled at 10 Saturday morning. My little sister came to the rescue and it worked out though. I was so glad...I had seats in the suite and I had never been up there before. So that was pretty cool!

I guess on some level I stay consciously or subconsciously stressed. In fact I know I do. I manage to stay settled about the big stuff, it's all the other stuff that gets to me sometimes. I literally felt like I was in a fog for most of the week, but sometime today it just felt like it all lifted. I don't know if someone was praying for me or what, but I feel about a 1,000 pounds lighter...and I'm thankful.

This week looks to be even busier, but I think I've got most of it worked out. Now I'll just watch out for all the other stuff that happens that none of us ever really plan for...like flat tires. I had one of those last week, fortunately the guys at work came to my rescue.

Anyways, hope everyone has a great week!

Sad...

I've said I work with great people. Last night one of those people lost their baby daughter. You can read what he wrote here. They've had a battle since she was born, and she left this world last night. It's so sad. It sure makes any of my problems seem so insignificant. Please pray for them that they may have some peace.

Still Settled...

I got the letter today that Legal Aid can't take my case. It's not because it doesn't have merit, they just can't handle the load right now. I KNOW the case has merit. That's just kind of the risk you take when you apply...you never know who all else is applying. I'm disappointed, but it's okay.

Like I said, I'm learning to become settled when things don't go my way. I guess right now my answer is, "no" or "not right now"...somewhere and somehow it will all work out as it should.

The case with the Attorney General is completely separate, and that will continue on. I'm literally on pins and needles waiting to hear from them. I'm not sure how much faith I have in the system after everything I've heard and read, but I'm just keeping up the faith that again it will all work out as it should. God is in control.

I'll be really honest, I want my pound of flesh really bad. It's a daily, sometimes hourly effort to have a positive attitude in regards to THAT. I struggle THERE. I know most people would say they understood that, but it still doesn't make it right. It's an area of my life that I try to be really settled with, and I have to consistently remind myself I'm not the judge, and again let God be God.

Settled

By nature we are all control freaks. Even those of us who aren't very controlling. I would consider myself to be one one of those. I'm okay with a lot of things, and as long as I don't find myself being threatened in some way, I'm pretty good. However, there are certain thing that we want to go our way...we are selfish creatures. There is a sense of entitlement that things should go a certain way, and vice versa.

It's easy for me to spend a lot of time wondering why my kids had to be so young and how it would be so much easier if they were older. If I just had "this" or "that", things would be easier and better. It's easy to get caught up in that mode of thinking.

Over the last month I've become settled with a lot of different things. I am learning to say, "I don't know" about a lot of things. I am learning that I don't know why my kids are so small, but there is a reason. I have learned not to search for that reason, but be settled in the fact that God knows and that's all that matters.

I have become very settled with the things I don't have and knowing that God provides and always has. I have become very settled in knowing that even on those "boring" days of diaper changing and house cleaning, God is working. I have also become settled on those days when I'm able to get out and have a good time, that God is working then too. There is always purpose.

I've been able to let go of a lot, and let God be God.

I have also become settled in the battle I may have before me. That's not to say I don't have some apprehension about some things, but I also have amazing peace. God is in the middle of it all, and I am blessed beyond belief by wonderful, amazing, supportive, loving, generous friends and family who through so many loving gestures, smiles, and kind words have shown me Christ..."religion" in it's purest form.

Settled...it's a good place to be.

I remember

I don't think I'll ever forget where I was 7 years ago today. I was getting ready for work...running late as usual. I'm early every where I go, but my job at Wells Fargo Financial gave me a lot of flexibility, and I was doing good if I showed up before 9. I was pregnant with Madi. I remember thinking, "I'm bringing a child into this world...now?"

When the towers were hit and fell, I don't think I really understood the implications of what it meant. It wasn't until later when more reports came in that it all started making sense to me as to what really happened and what it meant for our country.

My mom was at the high school and I remember her calling. Our sense of security had been threatened even from an event that happened thousands of miles away. You just kind of wanted to gather your little chicks and bring them in close by. My sister and Colt were in Denver at the time.

So much has changed in 7 years...but I don't think anyone will ever forget that day.

In Better Hands by Natalie Grant

It’s hard to stand

On shifting sand

It’s hard to shine

In the shadows of the night

You can’t be free

If you don’t reach for help

And you can’t love

If you don’t love yourself

But there is hope when my faith runs out…

Cause I’m in better hands now

Chorus:

It’s like the sun is shining

When the rain is pouring down

It’s like my soul is flying

Though my feet are on the ground

So take this heart of mine

There’s no doubt

I’m in better hands now

I am strong

All because of you

I stand in awe of

Every mountain that you move

I am changed

Yesterday is gone

I am safe

From this moment on…

And there’s no fear when the night comes around

I’m in better hands now

Chorus:

It’s like the sun is shining

When the rain is pouring down

It’s like my soul is flying

Though my feet are on the ground

It’s like the world is silent

Though I know it isn’t true

It’s like the breath of Jesus

Is right here in this room

So take this heart of mine

There’s no doubt

You can’t be saved

If you’re not reaching out for help

*************

I love this song. I could listen to it over and over. The words are so pretty. Ya know I don't know what heaven will be like, I guess we all have our opinions. I'm sure it will be better than any of us could ever imagine. One thing I hope is that we're all friends. We wouldn't remember any of the reasons why we were ever mad at each other or why we hurt each other. It would just all be erased, and we would all just love each other. It seems like such a simple thought, yet it's so difficult. Maybe...I hope so.

Quick note...

I'm sitting here having a little bit of quiet. It probably won't last much longer, but it's amazing how much you can tune out when you put head phones on...hahaha. "I'm sorry, what did you say, I was listening to my music." My mom watches that show John and Kate, plus 8...or something like that. She said the dad wears ear plugs a lot, and the mom has just learned to tune it all out. You kind of have to every once in a while.

I actually got a nap today. Mason slept good, and I laid down with Kyle so that he would go to sleep. It was nice. So now I feel refreshed.

We had church today...today was the big start of going to three services. I thought it went over really well. I still managed to get out to my car by noon. And I'm soooo happy, because children's church started back today. So my sanity has been restored.

I had a hard time not being a ball of emotion this morning at church, because of everything. All in a good way though, I wasn't down or anything. I was just thinking about how people have touched me and continue to do so, and how blessed I really am. This morning one of my friends told me that she knew I was supposed to host bunco this month (which means there is a meal to pay for and gifts) and she was going to take care of it all for me. I was kind of nervous about being at church, because I knew there were several people that knew about everything and I again, just don't know what to say sometimes.

Last weekend I got to go to the Tech game. Mom watched the kids all day for me. That was the first Tech game I had been two in almost two years. The last game was when Nathan and I drove to Norman for the Tech OU game. I swore off Tech football. SuzAnne had to go buy me a shirt to wear, because I had gotten rid of anything red and black or Tech related. I had decided to have a ceremonial burning of all things Tech in my backyard. Fortunately, I stopped myself before I started the fire. Me and open flames probably aren't a good thing. :)

I was sitting at the game and just thinking about how much life had changed. I wasn't sad about it all, just reflecting. And thinking about how appreciative I am to have had my life open up so much. I've made so many new friends and had so many great experiences through such a great hardship. And furthermore, I'm happy to have the life I have.

The only thing that has stunk about the passed couple of days is that I got a ticket!!! I wasn't speeding. I was just sitting at the light Friday after lunch and a cop happened to notice my registration was out. So pulled me over. Blah...oh well.

Just my thoughts...have a great rest of the weekend...it's almost over!

37!!!

I know I said I'd give it away on Friday, but we're close enough. My number was 37...3 kids and 7 is my favorite number...so there you have it...37. Christina won the book. She guessed 40. Amy you were so close! I've never met her, and this was the first time she's commented on my blog. So the book is off to Houston! All I ask is that you read it, and give it away yourself! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Thanks to you all for the encouragement. I've received some really sweet emails as well, and I thank you for those too.

I really do have the greatest peace about everything. I'm a pretty laid back person by nature, but you can only push a person to a point. I'm not angry in the slightest, well I'll put it this way...I don't focus on it. I'm sure if I spent time thinking about it, I would get angry. So I haven't been. I'm being as pro-active as possible and have full faith that all will be made right.

I'm meeting with my attorney on Wednesday. I don't know yet if they will take my case, but I'm hopeful about that. I'm going to the same place that did my divorce, and they too are a non-profit organization. I'm hoping they can represent me regarding the child support, but also to help me modify rights. I want full custody. I don't expect him to want to see them, but I want full control of that option. It's not that I don't want them seeing their father. Well, right now, I really don't want them seeing him...if he ever cleaned up his act and took life seriously then we could talk, but...the inconsistency is what makes it so hard, and it's not fair to the kids. So we'll see...

And the greatest of these is Love...

I checked my sister's blog and well I guess the cat it out of the bag...so I'll go ahead and say something here too.

A non-profit organization called Faith, Hope, & Love Ministries has been started for single parents. I guess you could say I'm the "poster child" behind it. It has been started, because of me, but I will not always be the main focus.

A blog was started for it and you can go here to read about it. It was a private blog at first, but those who knew about it had the choice to forward it on or not. So...ehhhhh...now I'm once again feeling very naked and vulnerable to the world wide web about my "private" life.

I said last week that I learned a few things...well...hmmmm...

I'm really struggling for words here.

Okay, right now I'm waiting on the Attorney General to open my case with my ex-husband to start prosecuting him, or whatever it is they do to dead beat dads.

I spent a lot of emotional and physical energy last week literally chasing him to no avail and to find out what I really deep down inside already knew.

He doesn't care.

Thank you for all of the offers to run him over with your car.

I said from the very start that this blog would NOT become a place of a bitter and scorned ex-wife, and let me tell you I am neither one of those. However, the situation is what it is and the fact remains that he has not given me a dime in months...or seen the kids.

I'm okay with him not seeing the kids, I'd rather he didn't.

The money...well, that's a little bit more of a sensitive subject and understandably so. Nuff said...

There can be a whole lot of negativity drawn into that and really I have all the positivity in the world. I am drawing my strength right from where it should be drawn...God.

I don't know the HOW of all of this, and I don't care about the WHY anymore. I refuse to spend anymore of my energy that I need to maintain for my children on wondering what my ex is doing and if he's going to come through like he's promised me countless times.

I'm done. Tell it to the judge.

So comes the birth of FHL...like I said I am the inspiration behind it, but it's primary purpose it to grow and benefit more single parents.

I'm still very shy about all of this, and I know very little about what has gone on, but I do want to say thank you. Thank you for the love, support, and encouragement that you have all given me. You will never know how much you have impacted my life. :)