Wednesday, September 19, 2007

My old friend...grief

Odd title, maybe. Is grief really your friend? Yes, I would say so. For me anyways. Grief is normal, and grieving is healthy. It doesn't mean I like it though. I've been good. I've been great, and I still am. But yesterday I went with Nathan to notarize his part of the paperwork. I was fine. It was exactly 9 months to the day since he had left. I usually don't keep track anymore, I just happened to realize it.

So today he calls me and says, "is that it?" I was like, what do you mean? I told him that we wait now, and my attorney will call me and then I go to court and sit in front of the judge, answer some questions, and then that is it. And he tells me that he is kind of sad, and it's kind of all hit him that it's over. SAD???? DON'T TELL ME ABOUT SAD. YOU DON'T KNOW SAD. AND WHEN I WAS SAD, YOU REJECTED ME, AND TOLD ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE.

Awwww....that made me angry. I've had nine months to know about being sad, and I want no part of that anymore. But yes, it is sad. It is sad for a lot of reasons. And so I revisit grief. But oddly enough, grief is my friend. And tomorrow is a new day.

I think I'm going to sit outside...look at the sky...pray...get some clarity...goodnight


Blogger Marta said...

I know what you mean about grief being a friend- there are times when I just want to curl up and hang out with my grief for a while. It's not necessarily pleasant but it is therapeutic, for me anyway. Thinking of and praying for you as this process moves forward. Thank you for your candor and your strength. You are such an encouragement to me!

11:16 PM  
Blogger Michelle (wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, and striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman) said...

You are in my prayers. My heart aches for what you are going through. My husband and I were seperated a year and a half, and it was upon the day of signing the "request for final judgment" on our divorce that my husband said, "I don't want to sign it".
At that point we had come a little further (we had moved past the grief and anger and had become, strangely, "friends"). So, the situation was different, and our outcomes may be different, but oh I remember the feelings too well.
It is heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching and can be confusing. I pray for God's clarity for both you and Nathan...and for God's peace.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Amanda said...

Isn't it sad that he is sad now! Sorry, I won't be mean! But you know what I mean!!!!

10:17 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Hoping that grief will not be a bosom buddy much longer.....

11:01 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

He has a lot to work through. I do not know what you are going through nor can I even begin to understand. I just know that God is finding you at each 'step' of recovery and in every feeling you have. After all that you have been through you can only come out ahead and there is someone out there somewhere that is going to appreciate you all the more because of it. What character and grace you have in the way you have dealt with all this. I just went to a women's study for class last night about Anna (Luke 2 I think) and the jist of discussion was about people who turned to God and responded with His spirit in tragic situations. Your character has been tested and wow did you come out shining! I don't know that I would and I am ashamed to say that. Seeing people like you that make it through hard stuff makes me have more faith that God can get me through anything too. He is absolutely amazing..........thank you for looking at grief as your friend instead of being an incredibly bitter person to everyone. Man do I miss talking to you in person!

3:41 PM  

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