Saturday, September 08, 2007

A New Pasture

***I'll explain my title first. My friend Elaina, who is my divorce care leader, explains how the longer you go through this process you come back around to the same feelings, but you see them and experience them in a different way. It's like a fence to a new pasture.***

So I find myself in a new pasture. It's a place that I have visited before, but I am revisiting it again. This time around I know what the pasture is like and fortunately I think the gate to the next pasture is not nearly as far as it was last time. And most importantly I know who is waiting for me on the other side of the gate. I'm so thankful to be led by someone completely trustworthy, and who is always looking out for me and my best interest.

Feeling this way, is kind of like dejavu for me, and the hurtful feelings I felt then. The absolute injustice I felt was probably the worst. The constant question of, "how could you do that?" Well I'm just not surprised by anything in this life anymore. And really I'm not surprised to once again be at this pasture.

I guess maybe I should be a little bit more detailed and maybe you could understand better. Well for the last nine months, through all of this craziness, I have tried hard not to put hope in HIM. (Nathan) I have tried to just go on my way, and not be affected by HIS decisions. Once I decided to completely let go things really did change. I've done a pretty decent job I'd say. Well HE made a decision that HE wanted to be a better person and be more involved, and of course I allowed that with opened arms. HE still wasn't supporting us enough that I could pay my bills, but HE seemed to be trying. So I continued to be supportive. It didn't change anything in the way I felt for HIM, and it never would, but I had hope for HIM as a person, and as a father.

Well I think I'm seeing the writing on the walls again. I think I've been to this rodeo before, so I ask myself, "whatcha' gonna do?" And really I don't think there is anything I can do. And that is a revelation! I can't do anything. I can't control anything. However, I can chose to continue to be led by Christ through this, because as I remember before, Christ will bless me for my faithfulness, and my choice to let go and let God handle the injustice. God doesn't like injustice, and he knows it happens all the time. I remember reading scripture after scripture of good people who were treated unfairly, and God knows. He sees and He redeems. Those scriptures kept me grounded, and got me through that time. There were times when I wanted to take my hurt and anger and visit the local brick company, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I have chosen to carry myself with dignity and honor and know that I will be rewarded. And again, I will do the same this time too. And fortunately this time I think it will be a lot easier.

1 Comments:

Blogger Penless Thoughts said...

"I'm glad I have chosen to carry myself with dignity and honor and know that I will be rewarded. And again, I will do the same this time too. And fortunately this time I think it will be a lot easier."

I'm glad, too, Larissa!!! And it will get easier and easier and many moons from now you will tell your story in detail, and there won't be an ounce of hurt or feeling in it. It will be like you know all the details, but you don't remember that event being YOU! Just someone you knew really well. I hope this makes sense.
Susan

1:36 PM  

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