New Beginnings

Too bad you can't make sound effects on here. I would make a drum roll right now if I could.

Well it's over. I'm good. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. All morning I was thinking okay, no big deal. I'm just going to go in there and do this, but then again I didn't really know what to expect. Well here in Lubbock, you literally walk around the court house with your attorney looking for a judge who "has a few minutes" that can grant the divorce. We met Drue Farmer on the elevator and went to her office, she swore me in, and then my attorney asked me about 20 questions, and it was over. I did get upset. It's just sad. I never realized just how much 3 little letters can encompass so many feelings.

I went on about my day. I did get to have lunch with Cheri and Chrissy, which is always a highlight.

When I got back to my office my mother-in-law emailed me. She said something to me that has stuck with me all day and I think I'm just going to adopt it as my new mantra. I don't know if she made it up or someone else said it, but she said, "you have to have an ending to have a new beginning." How true! This is a new beginning for me!

I guess I was a little melancholy today, but not really in a bad way. I've thought about the last year...it's ups and downs and I see so much of God's hand in this all. I truly stand amazed at the events of the last year. It feels like I've come full circle now and I see the past year, but from a distance and I've moved beyond it. Physically I feel that I literally can breathe better. I breathe deeper now. I don't know, it's weird and hard to explain all at the same time. But I truly "have a peace that surpasses ALL understanding." I kept thinking that I didn't think I would actually feel any different after it was over, but I do.

I just got off the phone with Sheila. We're having a party at her house next Thursday. It's not a divorce party, it's a bachelorette party. It's liable to be a little tacky. If you know Sheila, then you know what I mean. Sometimes we can just carried away with "themed" parties. All in good, clean fashion though. We both have to be in bed before the news comes on, so no worries there. We laughed, because I said something to her about her not getting too wild, and she said, "oh you know me, I tried to be wild that one time and it just never stuck." Yeah, that one time in college. By the way...you're all invited! Let me know if you want to come!

Well not to sound Oscar-esque or anything, but really thanks to you all. The last year has really been a journey for me... and to think that I almost gave up blogging last December. I thought my life was over, and I certainly never thought this blog would become a place of comfort and support for me. So many of you met me along way and became my friends! There have been so many occasions when a stranger has reached out to me and given me hope, and truly blessed me. That's what I call Christianity and "religion" in it's purest form. And then there are so many of you that I've been friends with, but I have grown closer to. Thanks to you all! I'd still like to meet the rest of you readers out there. I'm amazed at how this blog has taken on a life of it's own! I do promise that I am the least bite-able person out there!

Anyways, well thanks...thanks so much. I'm going to take a bubble bath and go to bed! Goodnight! :)

Just Breathe...

I'm feeling a lot better. I think the anticipation has really been the hardest part. So much has been leading up to this point, so it just kind of makes me nervous. And really I see more people around me bothered by what I am having to do, than myself. I ate dinner with my mom last night and she got teary just talking about it. She said she hates having to see her daughter go through this. I don't blame her, I wouldn't want one of my kids to have to go through this either. Especially when they have been there for me through thick and thin the last year. They've seen the good, bad, and the VERY, VERY UGLY that not everyone else gets to see. I have a really, really large family on both sides and divorce on both sides is not something that has really touched many of us. Not like the statistics show anyways.

I am so thankful though that since the kids have come back things have been really good. I was nervous about them coming home, because you know how when the kids are gone sometimes it takes a while to transition back into your routines. Well, they have just done spectacular! It has not been stressful at all. I think maybe I am really starting to see the fruits of my hard labor and man how refreshing that is! I think back to the summer when I was just trying to survive and not kill my children; we have come a longggggg way!!!! Madi really seems to be doing good in school. Her teacher told me that I really need to be proud of her, and I am. I think she is doing better at expressing herself appropriately. She still has her moments, but she has just come leaps and bounds.

Anyways, well I just wanted to report. I know without a doubt it's going to be fine tomorrow. And that is me being honest. I have complete peace now about it all. From what I understand it's a very informal process, as sad as that is. I don't even have to have an appointment. We're just showing up early before the judges go to docket (sp?) at 9. You don't even have to go to the judge from your court. Anyone can do it.

And I think after it's all said and done I will have a "what now" feeling. I don't know what now...but really and truly I will be glad to be done. Wow...what a difference a year can make. Crazy...Crazy...Crazy. I'm just kind of dumbfounded. Well like I said last time; it is what it is! This time that's okay. I need this.

It is what it is...

I really wasn't going to post for a while. Sometimes I feel like I blog too much and I'm very careful about having things in your life that become "too important", but I've had a lot on my mind today and yesterday that I've just really realized is bothering me way too much. I've tried to shake it off and say it's not a big deal, but even for me who has become so stoic, knows that it is a big deal.

I go to court Thursday morning and I'm having a real problem with it. Not because I want things to be different or I am changing my mind. I don't know how many times recently I've been asked that question. Is there any chance for reconciliation? No, there isn't. Not on my part anyways. I can't speak for Nathan completely, but I know he has a lot of regrets. I think he would go back and change things if he could and not just what happened, but a lot of things that led up to it as well. I on the other hand, I don't think I would go back and change a thing. Sure I didn't want to be hurt, and I completely believe that it was handled very poorly, but I think there are great lessons in our past "mistakes"...I can't say that I really have any regrets. Yes, I've said stupid things and hurt people in the past that I wished I hadn't hurt, but all in all you can learn so much from the past. So I don't look back wanting to change it.

I guess it's just the sadness of it all that's getting to me. My mom asked if I wanted to her to come with me. No, I don't want anybody there. Nathan doesn't even have to be there, because I'm the one who filed. I wouldn't want him there anyways. We're on good terms, but I'm pretty sure he's the last person I want to see that day. I don't know, I think it's that whole "death" thing. I just want to go get it done and go to work and try to continue on with my day as if it were any other day. Maybe that's avoiding things a little, but I've been waiting for this day for almost a year now. So it's about time. My attorney was trying to convince me of a couple of things to include in my divorce and I told him that I didn't want to. Kind of the way I see it is that when you get divorced; you get screwed, or you get really screwed. Really, they're not too different. I told him that I just wanted it to be over and I didn't want to drag it out anymore. He tells me that I'm lucky, because mine only took 60 days. I reminded him that no it didn't, I was pregnant and I couldn't get divorced. So it's been almost a year. That's a really long time...really long time. A bill in the house (or senate...whichever) just failed in Texas that you would have to wait a full year after you filed before you could finalize. At some point it will probably get passed. Don't get me wrong, divorce is way too easy. But that would have put me at almost 2 years then.

I don't know...I think it's just the last piece of the puzzle. It has to happen and it's not that I expect for me to come out a new person or anything, it's just been looming over me. It's a necessary part and probably it's more subconscious than anything. I've just been really emotional and somewhat moody. And really for me to even admit that is a big deal. I've been trying so hard to just keep smiling and pretend like it's all okay. It's not okay, but I do know it will be okay. I will make it through just fine and I really can see past this. I have really learned to welcome these "dark times" because I have found that God is always working the most during these times. I know my heart and mind are in the right place, I just have to work through this.

So if you will, say a prayer for me Thursday morning. Thanks!

Holiday Happenings!

The easiest way to follow these directions, for me anyways, is to just click on Jenni K.'s link. She's hosting a Holiday Happenings and you're all invited to join. So come on...it'll be fun!

A Whole Lot of Random Thoughts

Well tomorrow it's back to the grind. The kids won't get back until tomorrow night, but it will be business as usual around here. I'll work for a couple of hours in the morning, and then try to get completely ready for their return. If you want to read a funny story about their adventurous trip to Grandma's house, click on Neva's link. I don't think I could have done it justice like she did since I wasn't actually in the car. When she told me about how long the trip ended up being and how crazy it got, she was laughing. So I take that as a good sign. Needless to say, it might be a while before they're all three invited back! I, however, am so completely grateful for the time I had. I just feel so rejuvenated, rested, uplifted, etc. It's not like my life is ending when they come back or anything, it just gets back to the busy life again! I am looking forward to the holidays with them though. I'm getting into the spirit and I bought the new Olivia Christmas book for them. Madi adores all the Oliva books. I think I've read the one about the missing toy about a bajillion times. (bajillion is way more than a billion) I think the author an illustrator are geniuses. Anyways, so I know they will love getting to read that over the holidays. I'm waiting to put the presents under the tree though, because I don't trust Madi for a minute. I can't blame her though, because I'm terrible myself. Every year, EVERY YEAR, I snoop. I will figure out what every last one of them is. I just can't help it. I'm the most curious person ever! I know it spoils the fun, but it's just so hard for me.
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Well the large print bible has left. I woke up this morning and everything was back to normal on my computer. Which is good, because I couldn't even hardly type on it. I hope I'm not getting a virus.
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Today I went to church, ate with my aunt and cousin, went to my 2nd cousin's birthday party, went and had coffee with my aunt, cousin, sisters and mom, then went to Divorce Care. I just barely got home! My Divorce Care leader, Elaina, told me that she's not going to start back in the Spring. She said that she is going to suggest to the Elders my name for a replacement if I wanted to do it. I was so honored! I told her I would love to, but I would like to wait until the fall of next year to do it, because I want to at least get Mason a year old before I commit to something like that. I guess maybe my P.O.C. degree in Psychology is starting to pay off. By P.O.C. I mean piece of crap...I don't actually think it's a piece of crap. I am very proud that I went back and finished school. I just always had so many comments from people about a Bachelors in Psychology. "Don't you know you can't do anything with a Bachelors in Psychology?" Yes, I know! But trying to tell me that in college is like trying to tell a pregnant lady that maybe getting thirds at the buffet isn't the best idea. Just wait for the look, because you know it's coming. No one was going to convince me to change my major so I didn't. And really I would say that although monetarily my degree hasn't helped any, but as far as having life skills, it's helped me a lot. And that's pretty valuable no matter how you look at it.

Next week is our last session for Divorce Care. That group has helped me so much!!! I do feel that I have moved on though and am now not really struggling with a lot of the issues that are more pressing for some. Tonight we talked about forgiveness. Once upon a time that was a really hard issue for me, but thankfully I've been able to do that. And on top of that I consider myself lucky, because I did get the "I'm sorries" that some people don't ever get. That makes forgiveness a lot easier too.
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I'm really looking forward to 2008 as well. I feel funny saying that, because I used to journal all the time. Now that I blog and I'm so open about my feelings, I don't journal like I used to. Well a year ago I was writing in my journal and talking about the upcoming year. I was soooo excited. Our business was changing, I was going to get to be home part-time, I was so excited about being pregnant, life just seemed like things were going to be great. And then BAM three weeks later, I had a bomb dropped on me. In my journal I wrote and I quote myself, "I can't wait for 2007, because I know this is going to be a great year. I can just feel it." That makes me laugh!!! Seriously, I am smiling right now. No, it wasn't the year I envisioned at all for myself, BUT through all the pain it has actually turned out to be a really good year in ways I never imagined. And I look at 2008 and say the same thing. Now I can't envision 2008 being any crazier than this past year. I might just have to be committed if that's the case. A person can only handle so much and I'm thankful that the Lord is aware of that. However, I don't know...I just have great optimism for a lot of things. And with God, I have no reason to ever doubt that.

Just Relaxing...

My computer is really annoying me right now. I woke up this morning and my icons are huge. I feel like I'm reading a large print bible or something. That would be great if I was blind, but since I'm not...it's annoying. And of course I don't know how to fix it. It's ridiculous.

Well I'm having a great time, just wonderful. I go where I want, when I want and do what I want. I spend extra time in the shower, putting on make-up, doing my hair, etc. I listen to the radio really loud in the car. I know even in 2 parent families sometimes you don't get to do those things, but in single parent families you really don't. So I am! I'm really missing my little ones, but they're doing good and having fun. Hopefully the weather will clear up and they'll be able to travel back on Monday.

Now I'm fixing to go re-familiarize myself with what a nap is like. Ahhhh...my couch is calling my name!!! Then I'll probably go back out and do something else, just because I can!

Is there a computer nerd who wants to come fix my computer? I'm dizzy from typing this! :)

My family

(l to r) Kenda, (Jason's wife) Jason, Codie, Sarah (Codie's wife) me, Amanda, and Lyndee. Lyndee is the one getting married next month and Madi will be in her wedding. And of course that's my grandparents in the front. This is SOME of my family on my mom's side. It is so rare that we're all ever together. There are 11 grandkids total on this side. This is the side that I grew up very close to. The rest of them were bums and weren't there. (We went to the care center in Slaton to see my grandparents) But I'm glad I got to at least see some of them. I miss the holidays with all my family. It's sad that things change. Sometimes they're good changes, and sometimes they're not so good. I'm so very thankful for all the wonderful memories growing up. I love my family!!!

Grace and Thanks

This time of year always puts you in a reflective mood for the things you are thankful for. Of course I am very grateful and thankful for my family. My children are my world. I love my parents dearly. I am thankful for the new found relationship they have with each other. I am thankful for my sisters. I am thankful for my in laws that are so graciously taking care of my babies right now so that I can have a break. I am so grateful for all my friendships. I am so very grateful for my job. The list could go on and on for the numerous blessings I have in my life. AND I'm so thankful for being able to count all the wonderful blessings.

But I'm talking about something deeper here. My heart is so full of gratitude for the grace that God has given me to sustain this past year. My heart could explode for all the ways I can count that God has literally made me a different person and a happy one at that. I am truly, truly so thankful for hard times that I made it through, because it has been worth it to be at this point now. I know I am not immune to face other challenges, but I'm so thankful that God is with me every single time...EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope that you may too be able to truly count your blessings. It seems as though 2007 has been a tough year for a lot of people that I know. I hope that you are able to find some peace and see how God is working in your life. He is faithful...don't ever stop believing that!

6 months

He was trying on some shoes in this pic. And by the way, I do know that bumbos have been recalled. I only use it when I'm sitting right there with him. I mean really if you thought a bumbo was a good safety device, you might want to rethink parenting if it's not already too late. :) :) :)
Who needs a bib? Just feed 'em and then put 'em in the tub. It saves on laundry. He was enjoying some carrots in this pic.

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Well the house is quiet...for the most part anyways. Ryder is here with me this morning while Colt and SuzAnne are at the doctor. I know most of you know this already, but my sister is pregnant!!! She's due around the first of May. Ryder is actually asleep in front of my door on the hard, tile floor! That's where he laid down and conked out. Anyways, I look these pics of Mason last night to post for today, since he is officially 6 months old! He's just so darn cute! I love him to pieces.

Momma's sick!

I broke down and went to the doctor this morning. They did x-rays to rule out pneumonia. I don't have that. It's just a really bad upper respiratory infection. I got a shot, antibiotics, another inhaler, and prednasone. My mom takes prednasone, because she has rheumatoid arthritis. She said they put me on a really high dose, higher than she's ever taken. She said I should be feeling really great this week. But it makes you gain weight, so I'm going to be extra careful this week. I absolutely refuse to gain any weight!!! I've worked too darn hard to lose all 40+ pounds that I've lost.

I really don't feel bad, I just can't breathe and I haven't been able to breathe for weeks now. So it was about time. That shot is already helping me. I feel like my lungs just opened up. It's funny how you don't realize how bad you felt, until you start feeling better!

I still have lots to do...lots of packing and cleaning. I'm so glad that I worked so hard last week, because it's paying off. All of these loans are closing, their docs are to the title company 48 hours in advance...ahhhh just what a processor loves, and more importantly just what my boss loves!!! That probably doesn't mean much to you at all, but to me, it's great news! December is looking to be another good month too. I'm so excited. It's funny too, because this is not house selling season, but we're busier now than we were this summer. Whatever, I don't ask questions, I just do the work and get paid! Praise God!!!

I hope you all have a GREAT week. You will probably see some mindless posts from me this week. I already have my issue of People magazine. And what a great issue to have this week. It's the "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. I agree with some of them, some of them I don't.

Thanksgiving Feast

I got to eat lunch with my pilgrim Kyle on Tuesday. Then I got to each lunch with Madi on Thursday. And then there is my precious soon to be 6 month old Mason!!! Man, I've said it before and I'll say it again, time is flying. I've been going through all of Mason's things, getting out all the things that don't fit. And it's really just sad to me! He's not a little baby anymore. It was such a hard time when he was first born, but I never wanted him to grow this fast. It's hard to believe that the child bearing years are over! I do not want anymore children, but at the same time, I just still feel so young for that to already be over. It's kind of hard to explain, but I'm sure some of you moms understand!

The kids are up at Monterey tonight. The youth group was offering free babysitting for kids ages 2-5th grade. I don't think the parents could have dropped them off sooner! I have gotten so much done this evening, and I've enjoyed just getting to sit. And I'm enjoying the Tech-OU game. I don't want to say anything, because it seems Tech always finds a way to mess things up, but WOW! I feel really sorry for the OU back up quarterback. I would go home and cry if I was him.

Neva will be here Monday night and take all three back! I will miss Madi and Kyle as I always miss them when they're gone, but I really need a break. Now Mason, I am having a little bit of a harder time. I want to be kid free, but I'm so used to at least having him with me. I don't really know what to do without at least one kid attached to my hip. But, like I said, this will be good for me. I hope you're all having a good weekend. I love this time of year!!!

Love and other things

***Before I start, I'd like to have a public service announcement and apologize about one of the songs on my play list. I did not realize that Kanye West's song was incredibly dirty. My little sister pointed that out to me. I actually listened to the words a couple of times. Oh my goodness, I feel violated just listening to it. I sound like a teenager by saying I just liked the beat, but it's true. However, I just can't listen to it anymore. I should have known better. I don't actually like Kanye West. I think him and Rosie O'Donnell need to be dropped off on a island somewhere...possibly near Hilary Clinton. Anyways, but this song was so catchy to me. Well no more. I will have it off my playlist very soon. And a word to the wise; if you've never listened to the words, don't. Just trust me...it's VERY bad. Dirty, dirty boy!!!***

Okay, now to what my real topic is. This may be the abbreviated version. I've got a little time now. I think...unless I'm forgetting something. Which is very possible. I have been sooooo busy with work. Which is a GREAT thing, but man it's been a stressful week. I've got 4 loans that all want to close before Thanksgiving, and then two after. AND, AND, AND I did my first loan application on Tuesday. And it's not just the application I'm excited about, but it is possibly a relationship (professional relationship to clarify there) that I would like to grow.

So anyways...I'm ready for a break though. My mother in law is coming on Monday to pick up ALL THREE kids and take them back with her for a WHOLE WEEK! Oh I'm just going to go crazy!!! Yeah, you know buy me a pack of gummy bears, diet coke, and People Magazine. My definition of crazy these days is a little tame...but just fine with me. That sounds so heavenly right now!

Which I still haven't got to my topic yet, I'm working on it. Okay, well thanks for what all you said. I love it that new people commented!!!! Thanks so much~ you all really, really inspire me! And each of you gave me something new to think about. It's a topic close to my heart partly because I think about my marriage, and I think about what I want in the future. There are times when I've felt silly even thinking about it. Thinking about it makes you feel like that's what you're looking for, and right now that's not what I'm really looking for. However, I've also found that being prepared is an essential key to everything...everything! You know how in high school or college people used to make their "list" of what they wanted in a mate. Well a couple of weeks ago I did that. I was given some advice that in the meantime of "not looking" prepare yourself for that day. Find out what you want. So I made my list. It's pretty lengthy. I put it away in a safe place and I prayed over that list. Because I really feel, and I mean really feel that there is someone who is just that person. Most of my criteria was based on God given qualities. And I was picky...picky...picky. I said I wanted it all and that's what I meant. I don't mean that egotistically, I mean that confidently, because I just feel that God has a plan and at some point that will be a part of His plan. So I have confidence in that.

What sparked that last post was a conversation I had with someone. This person has very differing views on love than I do. Their view is so emotionally based that I don't think they'll ever find what their looking for. And they might, but if it's not based on something more than just an emotion and a good feeling that you get, it will fizzle out. They do not agree at all. And I told them that the only way they will ever find that kind of love that they're wanting is when they turn to God. Once again, they didn't agree.

So it really got me to thinking...and the best example of love is Christ. He is our guide. Traci, I know EXACTLY what you mean about being scared. That's kind of where I'm at, and what I'm having to work through right now. I don't ever want to have a fight between a relationship and God. God always takes precedence...always! And part of what scares me about a relationship is there ever even being anything to possibly to take my focus away from God. So I'm just kind of mulling these thoughts around. I think though that what I want is a relationship that enhances my relationship with Christ. That is the only answer I can come up with, and if it doesn't enhance it, then I don't want it.

I don't know...it's been an odd week. Busy yes, but odd in other ways. Hard...we signed the final decree last night. I took it to the attorney today. I'm just waiting for the call to go to the courthouse. I'm really hoping he will get to tomorrow, because if not it will be after Thanksgiving. It's been much more emotional than I expected. I know, I know, I know...I cut myself some slack. I've just had to be so hard hearted, so when I do get emotional it can be frustrating. But I do realize it's okay to feel what I feel. It's hell...Yes, I just cussed on my blog. But I've decided that there really isn't a better word to describe it. Hell isn't a nice place, and neither is divorce. Well I'm going to go now.

Love...Your thoughts please

Okay, so I have got something on my mind...big time. I'm so fired up right now that I can't do anything else. I need to work, but I've had ADD all day. I'm not ADD, but today I've just had a huge focus problem, and I'm just giving up. I'll be fresh tomorrow anyways.

So my topic is love. I know what the Bible says about love. I've been in love. I've seen old couples so much in love after many years. I love lots of people. And someday I hope to be in love again. Love is so powerful, and used correctly it is so wonderful! With all that said, I think there is only one perfect love. Christ's love for us is the only perfect love there is. I think that's what God wants us to understand. Nothing in this world is perfect, except for the love that Christ has for us.

I have a lot of friends and a lot of married friends. Do they love their spouses? Yes, absolutely! Are there days when sometimes they are there, because they've made a commitment and they're keeping their word? Absolutely! Do they love their spouse everyday? Sometimes even that is hard, but because of the love and therefore commitment they have, they stay. I just don't see it any other way.

Does the honeymoon end? Yes, this is real life. We all have the day to day operations of living. Is it possible to still look at your spouse like you did on the day you married them. Yes, I think so. I think true love, and I say true because I think it's the kind of love that has been developed over time, helps us to see that.

Love grows if you water it. Love's roots go deep if you plant them in something good. But if you are putting poison on it, it dies. If you don't trim away the weeds, the weeds will eventually take over. And no matter how much one tries if something is working against him in that "love" it won't work. I think it's plain and simple.

If you're looking for the perfect love on Earth and don't see Christ, then you've missed the mark. It's only in Him that we find completeness and wholeness. That book that I'm reading by John Elderedge talks about this specific thing. Christ should be our desire. And I think I've missed the mark all these years when I've looked for love on earth first. That's not where it should start. It starts with Christ and flows down from there. Marriages should mirror the love that Christ wants to have with us. He is our bride-groom.

I would really love to hear what you think. I know a lot of you don't comment. I have a stat counter, I know how many people actually read this. And there are way more people who read this than comment. And I'm dying to know what you think. Well not dying, but pretty close. Even if you just want to remain anonymous, I would like to hear your thoughts.

A lot of times I still question how rational I am. I'm getting to where I trust my decisions pretty well now, but this is just one question that I would really like to hear some thoughts on. I get fired up about it, because I'm passionate about it, because I think it's a desire I've had in my heart for a long time that was killed. The difference this time is that my heart doesn't belong to a person, it belongs to Christ. And that is where is should have been all along, and more importantly that is where it will stay. You don't take your heart back from God and give it to someone else. That completely defeats the purpose.

I mean, I don't think I'm wrong though. I'm not looking to be right, I just want to understand. Love is the most powerful thing in this universe. Love helps us to forgive. It helps us to be compassionate. It heals. Faith, Hope, and Love...and the greatest of these is love. God didn't say it, because He thought is just sounded good. Love is huge.

Okay, I'm going to stop now. I think you get the point. But seriously...pretty please tell me what you think. :) I may go on strike if you don't...just kidding.

Now I'm going to go watch The Bachelor and see all these crazy women fight over this guy who their in LOVE with. He is pretty hot, but seriously, what a horrible way to date. You couldn't pay me enough money to even be a part of anything like that. It's just plain torture!

Reflection and Memories

I went to Pam's memorial service on Saturday. I got there and got a program and saw the picture on the front of David and Pam in their early married days. She was so beautiful. I knew it was going to be sad, but it struck me in a way I didn't expect. Anytime I ever go to a funeral I think it always makes you reflect on that person's life, but also just life in general. It puts things in perspective pretty quickly for you; what's important, what's not.

I sat in that auditorium and listened to a man who just lost his wife encourage, and I truly mean encourage everyone else in that room. He talked about the kind of woman Pam was and how they both wanted her battle with cancer to glorify God. My favorite part was about how he talked about him and Pam reading their Bible together every night and praying together. How sweet is that? They loved each other so much. It really was moving to hear him talk about the example Pam was and how we could all honor her by simply doing something nice for someone else.

I saw so many people there I knew. Chrissy's dad preaches in Post and that's where most of my family is from, so we know a lot of the same people. And then there were tons of LCU people there too. There were many people that were there that I was just so glad they came. It wasn't my job to go around thanking people for coming or anything, but I'm just glad they did, because I know it meant a lot to Chrissy to have them there.

Seeing everyone there made me realize again how blessed I am to have the friends I do. Even the ones that I don't get to see that often. My time at LCU blessed me in so many ways, and I am so grateful for the memories and friendships that I took from there. It is truly a family for me.

When I got home, Jenny was asking me about it. She asked me how Chrissy and I became friends. I really started thinking and I can't remember. Chrissy and I did pledge together in Kappa, but there wasn't one moment where I can really say that I remember becoming good friends. We just started hanging out, and then the summer after our sophomore year she wanted to be a potwasher at Pine Springs and asked me if I would do it with her. That was the most memorable summer. In fact while at the funeral I saw Dr. German there, who pretty much hated Chrissy and I at Pine Springs. He was in charge of the two of us and we DID NOT get along with him. We just couldn't seem to do anything right. I had a hard time not laughing about that.

I don't think I've ever laughed harder with someone than with Chrissy. We could have absolutely nothing to do and we would manage to turn it into something fun. And she was always such a source of encouragement for me. Our friendship has definitely gone through it's challenges, but I'm so glad she's in my life. I'm so glad for all the friends I have in my life!!! Maybe all those school loans are worth it after all!!! :) :) :) Ya know, I wouldn't change a thing. Not one thing.

Kindergarten Hoe-down

Yesterday I got to go to Madi's school and help with her Kindergarten Hoe-down. They were doing a unit on the farm and all that goes with that. They got to play games and win prizes. It was fun to get to watch her interact with her class.

Madi and I have definately had our struggles together the last couple of months, but she is doing so much better. She's too smart and beautiful not to do well. I love this girl so much!

Chuck E. Cheese

Madi and her soccer coach. I'm so glad we ended up on this team. He was so patient with her and didn't act like a drill sargeant. Some of the other teams we came upon kind of scared me. They are little girls and they do need to have to fun!
Madi and some of team.
It has been a busy, busy week. I worked from home all day yesterday, and I still have more to do. And that was in addition to working Monday-Thursday as well. I'm not complaining though, I would like every month to be like this. That would just be great!

We went to Chuck E. Cheese Thursday night with Madi's soccer team. I wasn't sure if we would play again when they start back in February, but I think we will try it one more time and see how things go. The team that she is on is such a close knit team. Although, she enjoyed being social more than she did actually playing the game, we will give it a go. That kind of sounds like her mother. I would rather hang out with my friends than run around and get all sweaty. Unless it's football, and I'm there all day and then some. Chrissy told me that Rachel tried to start a women's flag football team here recently. Man that would be a dream come true. I miss intramurals.

Things are going really well. Just a whole lot of busyness right now. There are few things I'm excited about, but I'll post about that later! Have a great weekend.

I wanted to tell you all thanks for your response to Chrissy's family. I do have their address if you want it. If I haven't already given it to you and you want it, just email me. lleem23@yahoo.com

I saw her yesterday when we were picking up our kids and she seems to be doing okay. Just making it through, ya know?

I know she appreciates the thoughts and prayers so much. It's so great to have a circle of people that you can put things out there like this and have people genuinely care. It makes me feel so blessed. And it helps me to put things in perspective too. My "problems" don't nearly seem so bad.

Thanks everyone.

Prayer Request

I just saw Chrissy's sister-in-law and she told me that Chrissy's mom passed away last night. I had lunch with Chrissy on Thursday and she told me that she had been unresponsive for a couple of days at that point, so they knew it would be soon. I know her dad is taking it really hard. He had been sitting beside her bed for weeks and not sleeping much. I'm sure on some level there is a sense of relief that she isn't suffering, but I know they have a big loss right now. They're having a memorial service for her on Saturday. Please pray for the whole family. I know they also have a lot of family coming into town this week. Please pray for them as well. Thanks.

Hmmmmm

I've written and re-written this post. And I'll probably re-write it again before I get to the bottom.

First of all, I had a great time...just great! I tell ya it was an experience God gave me to help me realize some very important lessons about myself and where I am right now. The last year was really a year of survival for me. And now I find myself in a new place. I'm doing good. I'm happy. I feel good. I am so thankful to be through so much and feel excited to be in the place I am. HOWEVER, at the same time it's a scary place too. It's scary, because it's a place I haven't been in for a long time. I've had my married blinders on for a while, and I'm not used to attention from the opposite sex. I'm not going to lie and say I don't like it, but it's been strange for me.

I got attention this weekend. And now that I am back and have re-entered the "real world" I have to be honest and say, I AM NOT READY. And I have to be careful. You are so vulnerable when you are newly divorced and I can see firsthand how it can be so easy to get into a relationship when you're not ready. I didn't expect to have this even be an issue so soon. I thought for sure my three children would scare anybody off. Well, that doesn't seem to be the case. SOOOOOOOO...I have to be the one to take a stand and watch out for myself. And some days it is easier than others. Some days it's easier to say, "what's the big deal?" It's kind of like hearing the conversation between the devil and angel on your shoulder. And you know, I would love to go on a date. I would love to go out and have fun. HOWEVER, I am old school. And I don't think that you should date until you're ready to get married. I read that book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye in college and I completely agree with it. And then I come back with, "but it's good practice for when you find what you really want." And my final resolution to all of this is that I don't need to worry about it. God will know when I'm ready and therefore I will know. If I really have to question if I'm ready, or the thought of dating makes me want to hyperventilate, those are probably good indicators that it's too soon. I'm not really putting a time line on it, but at the same time I think I need another 6 months to a year before I even enter that arena. Yes, I do have free will, but in this case I want God's will, not my own. If Mr. Right is right in front of my face right now, then he'll be there in 6 months or a year, or in 10 years....whatever. Because even Mr. Right at the wrong time, is still wrong.

And besides I'm having fun. I like being single right now. I tell my babysitter where I'm going and NOBODY else. I want to do some things. I want to go to Vegas in 2008, maybe even by myself if no one else can go. I do someday want to have someone. I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I'm a good wife...to the right person. And someday, God willing, I will be again. But it's not right now...........and I have to keep being wise. And like I said, some days it's harder than others.

I'm outta here!

Well I'm on the countdown before I leave town. I can smell the mountain air now. But I'll be sure and stop by Wal-mart to pick up some Benadryl in case I smell the mountain air too much. Are anyone else's allergies just in overdrive right now???? I have finally gotten my asthma under control, but it's still not great.

I've got two books to take with me. I'll finish up the John Elderedge book, and then I've got another I want to start on while I'm there. There's not really a set plan for what we're doing, and really you can do whatever you want. So I really hope to have some quiet time. There will be other kids there, because you were given the option to bring your children, but they're mostly older kids.

Last night I got a little tripped up about "the date" tomorrow, but I just have to look at it as another day on the calendar. I don't want to be sad, so I'm just not going to be sad. I can look at this two ways and only two ways. The glass is either half full or half empty. And yes, there has been sadness, but there is so much to look forward to. So I am just really choosing to look at my anniversary as a day for something more for my life. Not as a day that is celebrating the loss that I have experienced. I'm doing too well to have that loom over me and get me down.

My sister Jenny is keeping Madi and Mason. Kyle is going with Colt and SuzAnne to Ft. Sumner where Colt's parents live. They live out in the country and have lots of horses and cows. Kyle will have his first experience with riding a horse. I'm so excited for him, because I know he will have so much fun. I told SuzAnne to take lots of pictures. Sometimes I feel like Kyle gets left out, because he is the middle child, so I am thrilled that he gets to do this.

Anyways, well I have got lots to do before I am ready to go. I hope you all have a great weekend. God bless!