It is what it is...

I really wasn't going to post for a while. Sometimes I feel like I blog too much and I'm very careful about having things in your life that become "too important", but I've had a lot on my mind today and yesterday that I've just really realized is bothering me way too much. I've tried to shake it off and say it's not a big deal, but even for me who has become so stoic, knows that it is a big deal.

I go to court Thursday morning and I'm having a real problem with it. Not because I want things to be different or I am changing my mind. I don't know how many times recently I've been asked that question. Is there any chance for reconciliation? No, there isn't. Not on my part anyways. I can't speak for Nathan completely, but I know he has a lot of regrets. I think he would go back and change things if he could and not just what happened, but a lot of things that led up to it as well. I on the other hand, I don't think I would go back and change a thing. Sure I didn't want to be hurt, and I completely believe that it was handled very poorly, but I think there are great lessons in our past "mistakes"...I can't say that I really have any regrets. Yes, I've said stupid things and hurt people in the past that I wished I hadn't hurt, but all in all you can learn so much from the past. So I don't look back wanting to change it.

I guess it's just the sadness of it all that's getting to me. My mom asked if I wanted to her to come with me. No, I don't want anybody there. Nathan doesn't even have to be there, because I'm the one who filed. I wouldn't want him there anyways. We're on good terms, but I'm pretty sure he's the last person I want to see that day. I don't know, I think it's that whole "death" thing. I just want to go get it done and go to work and try to continue on with my day as if it were any other day. Maybe that's avoiding things a little, but I've been waiting for this day for almost a year now. So it's about time. My attorney was trying to convince me of a couple of things to include in my divorce and I told him that I didn't want to. Kind of the way I see it is that when you get divorced; you get screwed, or you get really screwed. Really, they're not too different. I told him that I just wanted it to be over and I didn't want to drag it out anymore. He tells me that I'm lucky, because mine only took 60 days. I reminded him that no it didn't, I was pregnant and I couldn't get divorced. So it's been almost a year. That's a really long time...really long time. A bill in the house (or senate...whichever) just failed in Texas that you would have to wait a full year after you filed before you could finalize. At some point it will probably get passed. Don't get me wrong, divorce is way too easy. But that would have put me at almost 2 years then.

I don't know...I think it's just the last piece of the puzzle. It has to happen and it's not that I expect for me to come out a new person or anything, it's just been looming over me. It's a necessary part and probably it's more subconscious than anything. I've just been really emotional and somewhat moody. And really for me to even admit that is a big deal. I've been trying so hard to just keep smiling and pretend like it's all okay. It's not okay, but I do know it will be okay. I will make it through just fine and I really can see past this. I have really learned to welcome these "dark times" because I have found that God is always working the most during these times. I know my heart and mind are in the right place, I just have to work through this.

So if you will, say a prayer for me Thursday morning. Thanks!