A Few Observations...

1. How many times does Dateline need to do a "To Catch A Predator" Special before they get it that we all know that there are a lot of sick pedophiles out there. I mean seriously, it's always the same story. "I thought she was 18...I was just coming to keep her company...I didn't come here for sex." Please...I am about tired of it all.

Okay, so that was an observation, and not a few. I just had to mention it. (A special is on right now)

Today I went and sat with my mema. I will say someone who is passing on and the state of mind they are in, is an interesting observation. She is just having a really hard time letting go. I was by myself for a while with her and she would start getting upset and get really scared. It gets really sad. We are just all hoping she will pass on soon. Not to be selfish or anything, but it is just difficult for everyone...mostly her! Her birthday is Saturday. She will be 93. My mom said that a lot of times the elderly will hold on for an occasion that they really don't even remember. The power of the subconscious. It is an amazing thing!

I have decided to go back to counseling. Well really someone told me they thought maybe I should. I started a divorce care support group about 3 weeks ago, and the leader suggested it. She told me that she thinks I am handling everything well, but that I just have so much on my plate that I may need some help juggling everything. And I agree. I am actually very relieved to be going back. I am going to a new counselor this time. I am sure many of you Lubbockites have heard of him. His name is Dr. King Buchanan. I've heard of him, and heard a lot of good things about him. Yesterday him and I were kind of playing phone tag and he called me last night. It was after 7p.m. and he just talked to me. And I really had the sense that he generally cared for my situation and what I was going through. I told him how I was feeling and he told me, that I was a wise woman. And it made me want to cry. I mean to have someone who doesn't know me pay me a compliment means a lot. I don't have self esteem problems, but I think going through a divorce naturally makes you feel a little beat up...physically, emotionally and even spiritually sometimes. And let me tell you being pregnant doesn't help much. I mean I just feel hot. Especially with maternity underwear. Which I know is possibly the most random thing I could say at this point. But seriously, I hate maternity underwear. I am still not that big, but my regular underwear are getting too small. But I hate that maternity underwear can stretch all the way up to the bottom of your bra. Maybe I should go shop for some more and see what's out there. I was shopping a couple of weeks ago and I saw a maternity thong. Ohhhh, I don't think I could do it. A pregnant woman in a thong...oh whoever you are...you are a brave woman!

Okay, sorry for that rant. It was on my mind.

I go to the doctor on thursday. I get to have the wonderful glucose test that makes you burp for like an hour afterwards. Well it does me anyways. I always hate that. And then I hate having my blood taken too...yuck.

The kids are going to go home with Nathan's mom on Friday. She is going to come down and get them for the weekend and bring them back on Monday. I haven't been without both of them since all this started. I love my kids to death, but I am really looking forward to the break. I am going to the "Zoe Conference" at Monterey this weekend. I've never heard of it, but apparently it's a big thing, so I'm excited. I think it will be really good for me. I may even try to catch a movie. There are several that I want to see.

Anyways, well that's about it for now. I hope you're all having a good week!

Long Day

Well this has just been a long day. I feel like my life is just in a state of depression right now, and I really hope that it doesn't come across that way on my blog, b/c I don't want it to. There are just times that life stinks, right!!?? Well I guess today is just one of those days.

I personally have had a challenging day. I guess I'm just tired of being ignored. I deserve better, and so do my kids. So I guess the best thing is just to take myself out of the situation to the best of my ability. You can only be hurt by others if you allow them too, right? That's so much easier said than done, but I have to live by that as much as I possibly can. And so I embark on trying!

We went out to Slaton today to eat dinner with mom and dad, and by the time we got there the care center had called mom and dad to come be with Mema. She was calling for my dad. My dad does not handle this kind of thing well at all, and I can't blame him. It's his momma! We went down there with them. She is just hanging on by a thread. Her respirations are down to 8 a minute. Think about how much you breathe a minute. I bet it's way more than 8!!!

My grandmother who lives there with my granddad on another hall always checks on her. It's actually very comical. She was a nurse during WWII and then a school nurse for about 25 years. Her and my mema were really good friends. They both lived in Post and were very close. And I guess once a nurse, always a nurse. She goes and sits with Mema and then reports to the nursing staff on her condition. The best one was the other day when we got there she told my dad that mema was unresponsive. Well most people are unresponsive when they're ASLEEP. Tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday...her and my granddad are hillarious!

Anyways, so my mom is now sitting with my mema, and then my dad if he doesn't pass out from an anxiety attack, will go sit with her for a while. Jenny is out there now too. I will probably go back in the morning. It's just hard with the kids...that's not the best place for them in a time like this! I probably won't go to church tomorrow with everything going on.

We are just ready for her to go to be with Jesus!!! There is so much anticipation and waiting in a time like this, and it becomes so draining. And you wonder what is keeping them here...there must be a purpose!!! God has purpose in everything!

Well I better go...I have "American Idol" on right now, and I don't mean the show. Madi is being a rock star. She likes to perform and then she wants me to tell her, "you've made it to Hollywood" or sometimes she likes me to tell her "You're not very good, try again next year." And then of course there are all the dramatics that go along with either answer. Her expressions and imagination are out of this world! Thank the Lord I have my kids, they keep a smile on my face! :)

So I said I was going to try to write more later...we'll see how this comes out. My thoughts are kind of all over the place. This morning when I dropped the kids off at Sunset, I forgot to turn off my car. I figured that out when I started looking for my keys and realized that they were in the car that was left running outside. Steal my car...I dare you! Pregnant or not, I could kick some serious booty, and not come out with a scratch on me. :) :) :)

So I've been thinking about moral codes and the gift of free will. You know I've done a lot of sinful things, but I am still a very naive person. I think my personality wants to see the good in people, and believes that most people are inherently good. And really I guess that is based on my moral code, and for some strange and naive reason I think most people have that same moral code. I generally don't associate with people who don't. Not because I'm judgemental, it's just that most of those people don't go to church, aren't a part of my family, and they're probably not a friend of mine. I have some friends that I don't necessarily agree with what they do, but I love them regardless, I just don't agree with their actions. I think too living in Lubbock, with a church on every corner, you start to feel that everyone in the same town as you believe the things you do. And we are shocked when someone does something that doesn't fit in with our moral code. Especially someone we were closed to. HOWEVER, (and it's a very big however) we all can make our own choices. And in all reality at some point the only one we will answer to for our choices is God. Christian, non-christian, or a christian who has fallen away...we all have the choice to do whatever we want. And that includes the choices that may or may not fit into someone else's moral code.

The very first day all this started I went to Monterey to talk to Barry Stephens (our minister) and told him what was happening. I was looking for spiritual guidance in any way, shape, or form. I talked to 4 different ministers that day. But I said to Barry, I don't know what kind of man could do this? And he said, "It happens everyday." It wasn't exactly the warm and fuzzy answer I was looking for, but it was the absolute truth. And sometimes I think the truth is what we need to hear. Murder happens everyday. Rape happens everyday. Bad things happen everyday. We wouldn't have FOX News if shocking things that went against our moral code didn't happen everyday. Our world is full of it.

The shock and understanding is the hard part. It reminds me of the title of one of Dr. Laura's books. "How Could You Do That?" I've never read it, but I know it's about trying to understand other's behaviors. I find myself saying that a lot. And the longer this goes, I can't say that I'm more shocked, I guess it's just adds to it. And in some way I just have to say, whatever! I am trying my best to work on my reaction. We can't control others choices, but we do have to learn how to react to those choices. And I'll be the first to admit, some days it's much easier than others. Some days I leave my car running, or zone off and run a red light. (I'm really working on being clear headed while driving, b/c that is just not safe!)

I don't know how many times I've heard or said, "well this will all turn out good." And I will believe that until the day I die. And if that means that by turning out good I'm in heaven, then how wonderful will that be. But I just can't help that in this life, God will make something out of this horrible situation to make my life better. Does that mean I meet a wonderful man who wants to be a great father to my children? I don't know...maybe. Does that mean that I write a book someday and help other women through difficult situations...maybe. Who really knows? I don't, but I can be rest assured that God does. And how reassuring is that??? Many times I've said that God is a redeeming god. And what is so wonderful to me is that He is a redeeming God for those who make good choices and those who make bad choices. I am so thankful that God is helping me to make good choices, and is guiding me. It scares me to think of the alternative. And I really believe that for those who can make bad choices and can be okay with it, they've lost touch with everything that is good. That is the only thing that makes sense.

Somedays I just want to pull my hair out. I have a two year old, and a 4 year old, and I have some crazy hormones flowing through me, can you blame me? And maybe it's not my hair that I so much want to pull out...I can't think of some other's hair that I would like to pull out...hee, hee. :) But it's not killing me, so it will continue to make me stronger, and prepare me for what God has to show me...and while I may blog about my situation a lot now, you just wait. Because when I begin to discover God's plans, I probably won't ever shut up.

And you know I just want to say, do you realize that we all have the power to live that way? I don't know how many times someone says to me, "I don't know how you're doing it." God gives every single one of us the power to live in Him and get through any situation. But like all the choices we have in life, we have the free will to make that choice. And we also have the free will to not make that choice. And everyday it is a conscience choice that I have to make, but it is ONLY because of Him that I am where I am. Not because of anything I've done on my own.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Update

This has been an interesting day. First of all they put that patch on my Mema and from what we had heard, I was really expecting a call from my parents this morning. Instead my mom went to see her this morning, and she was in the dining hall eating breakfast and feeling very refreshed. She was eating her sausage, and mom said she was obviously enjoying her egg, because it was all over her mouth. She told my mom she was feeling wonderful and wanted to know if she could go to the store and get her some candy. Wow!!! She continues to amaze me.

Then I had lunch today with my friend, Kristy. It was so nice. We were there for 2 hours, and it was just so nice to sit and talk. We decided to get together again next thursday. She's on maternity leave for a few more weeks, so we may just make it a weekly thing, until she goes back. It was really good for me. I am truly so thankful for my friends. I am also very thankful to you who leave comments on her to encourage me too. You seriously don't understand how you lift my spirits during troubled times! So while I may be encouraging to you, you do the same for me!

I want to write more, but I have to go pick the kids up...so I will probably write more later. I hope you are all having a good week!

Life

Yesterday of those of the family who could come into town, they did. We spent the day with Mema. My dad called everyone on Monday and said if you want to see her before it's too late, you better come now. It was a nice day, we all talked about our favorite "Mema" memory, and all took our turns talking to Mema. She is doing really well considering. She can't actually feel the pain, but it's evident that she is in pain. The family decided to go ahead and administer a narcotic patch that will put her at ease and not be so tense. We're not sure what what is keeping her here, but this will help her to let go and sleep peacefully. And eventually at some point the infection will take her.

We all know she is going to go, but man it is so hard! I am already dreading the funeral. Everyone was just crying yesterday, and I think seeing Jenny and my dad cry is the hardest for me. There is something about seeing your dad cry that is just not pleasant. And Jenny well, I know she has such a hard time with this, and she's my little sister.

I guess this is kind of been a distraction for me, in an odd sense. I've been just dealing with lots of different emotions lately, and been frustrated, b/c I don't know what to do with them. Yesterday, when I picked the kids up from Sunset, one of the directors told me that one of the kids hit Kyle and he got upset and said, "I wish my daddy would come back." Awwww...so hard, so hard!!! And she said that Madi used to be a very calming effect in class and now is always trying to get the class in an uproar. I get so mad, because I feel like we're paying for his selfishness and it's not fair. It makes me very angry. It's easy to get caught up in saying, "well this isn't fair and why me?" And it's not fair, but it's happened and I have to deal with it. Sometimes I just don't know how.

So this is me, being real with what is going on with life. I still have a positive attitude and outlook, things are just kind of stressed right now. But it will get better.

Mema

Mema with the pink pony she wished for.

This is my granddad. (he's not my mema's husband, it's the one on the other side of the family.)

They live in the care center too. Isn't he so cute???

We went and saw Mema today. They moved her back to the care center in Slaton last weekend. The place she was in Lubbock was really pushing to ampitate her foot, but the family has decided to do preventative care and let her live out the rest of her life peacefully. She has gangrene, so she has anywhere from days to a couple of weeks before she will pass on from this life. Fortunately, she has been disconnected from the pain, so she feels nothing. I've been trying to get out there and see her as often as I can, because we all know the end is nearing soon. I took some pictures of her and the kids today. Madi always provides comic relief in sad situations. She was pretending to be a fairy godmother and make Mema's wishes come true, but she only lets you wish what she can really give to you. So she told Mema, "you want a pony, don't you!" And what do you know, 2 seconds later appeared a pink unicorn. It's been in Mema's room for as long as she's lived there. She even gave Mema one of her bracelets to wear. God bless her, she is truly a "grand mother"...I know you won't see this, but I love you dearly Mema!

Peanut Butter

Okay, so does anybody BESIDES ME have a can of this peanut butter than COULD BE infested salmonella? I just opened mine this morning, and ate a sandwich, and gave Kyle one too. On the way to school I heard them talking about the peanut butter scare. I came home a little bit ago and got on their website to check and see if I had a jar of it. And yes, I do. I don't even buy Peter Pan peanut butter, I just bought it on Sunday, b/c it was on sale. Hmmm...wonder why??? So they give you a number you can call for more info, but of course it is busy. I really hope we don't get sick.

Get Out of That Pit

Well in my last post I talked about Beth Moore. It's so funny to me how we "stumble" upon things and are so blessed for it. I went to her Living Proof Ministries website (also a link on my blog) and was just looking around. Well she wrote a new book that was released in December called, "Get Out of That Pit." It's based on Psalm 40 when David was crying out to the Lord.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the Lord."

-Psalm 40:1-3

So yesterday I went and bought the book. I'm always looking for a good book to read, although I don't actually do a lot of reading. I had bought a few since all of this had started with me, but none of which I really felt was something that I was learning anything from or benefitting from. Well let me just tell you this new book by Beth is the best book I've ever read. I don't think it was by accident that I "stumbled" upon it. I know this book was something God intended me to read.

I don't think you have to find yourself in a pit to be able to read this book. I believe this book would be excellent for everyone to read. There are even parts of my past that I was able to relate to it, and see how amazing God truly is. He has brought me through so much and continues to do so...even through this experience.

I think I am coming out of the pit. I don't think I am still there. I think I just don't really know which direction to turn, or what to do with myself. I often question what God is going to bring out of this, because I truly believe that there is something wonderful that will come out of this experience, I just don't really know what part in that I have. Or what I need to be doing. It can be very difficult to "see" what God has in store, or what part you play in that when all you feel you do all day is change diapers, do laundry, or cook a meal. But even in those day to day tasks, I know God is working, it can just be easy to lose sight of that.

This book (I'm now over half way through with it) helped to feel some of the feelings I feel and let me know I am completely normal, and bluntly told me what I have to do with those feelings. And I think I really needed to hear that. And the interesting thing to me is that, once I heard that, and let it sink in a little bit...something spiritual happend to me. I feel relieved, very relieved and feel like a burden has been taken off of me.

I'm sure I'll post about the book again, but there is a part that I wanted to share that just brought me to tears yesterday. Beth talks about 3 different ways we can find ourselves in a pit. We can be thrown into a pit, slip into a pit, or jump into one. She ended the chapter about being thrown into a pit with this:

"Beloved, let this one sink in deeply: if God allowed to be thrown into a pit, you weren't picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffering to you because He has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up."

That really touched me. Ahhhhh...I don't know what is going to come out of this, but I have faith that God is working, and continues to work on me. I can't wait for the day when I know what came out of this. That's always the fun part. When we can finish our story and have a miracle in the end. It will happen.

Anna Nicole Smith

I came across Beth Moore's blog. I found it through someone else's blog. I really like her a lot. I think she is a very good writer and speaker. I added her link to my blog, it's a pretty neat blog. I was just on there, and she did a post about Anna Nicole Smith. I thought her perspective on her life and death very interesting. I was suprised by her death, but was one who admittedly was a little more judgemental about her life, and never gave it a second thought. I was watching "The View" this morning and Rosie was really on her soapbox about her death, and how people should take some responsibility for not stepping up and asking if she was okay. I mean clearly there was something wrong with the woman. Even before her son's death, you could tell she was just a little "absent" from this world. But those thoughts and comments really made me think about people in general. How often do we see someone who is evidently hurting or having problems and we do nothing? I think we all get so busy and we mean to check on them, but for lots of reasons (or excuses) we don't.

Whatever your opinions of Anna Nicole Smith were, she was God's child too. And I really say that with all seriousness. I have been known to use that expression sarcastically many times when trying to be "nice" towards someone. But really it's true, and obviously she was in some serious pain, and understandably so. Beth Moore asked the question, "why didn't I ever lift this woman up in prayer?" Wow! I never really thought about that. And I think it made me question my role as an influencing christian in this world a little more seriously. I don't know...I don't understand how people go through this life without hope, and without knowing a life with Christ. I mean I have Christ and some days I really struggle. So I can't imagine what it would be like without him.

It's so strange how you can read something or hear something in an important time in your life and it affects you in the way that it needs to. I have had a rough day. I've just been feeling a lot of feelings that I wish would just go away, so that I could move on. Well when they keep rearing their heads up it's really hard to ignore them, dang it!!! I got very angry, and felt and said some things that probably weren't very christian like. Everyone says, "you just need to feel the feelings." Well while that may be true, but for me and where I am at, I try to keep the anger at a minumum for many reasons. Well reading this, just got my attitude in check, and helped me get back to the place I need to be. I guess it's kind of odd that I could ever learn anything from Anna Nicole Smith, but I did. We are commanded to love one another, and I truly, truly believe that loving others is how we can show Christ to the others out there who need him in their weakest moment. And what a world this would be if we would all take that seriously.

Homecoming 2007

It was such a great weekend! So much more fun that I ever expected. I definately think this was my favorite Master Follies weekend. After moving all week, it was definately a great way to unwind a little bit with old friends. I will post pics soon. I had to borrow Jenny's camera, because I think I accidentaly threw my camera away during Christmas. I haven't been able to find it anywhere, and I'm just afraid that in all the craziness in the holiday and my personal craziness it got thrown away. Fortunately, all my pics were already downloaded, so I didn't lose any memories, just a stinkin' camera!!!

Friday night we went to the reunion at Monterey. It was fun. We ate and really didn't do a whole lot, but it kind of kicked off the weekend. They gave us key chains, coasters, and coffee mugs. We all figured that was the least they could give us for all the money we have spent at LCU. It was fun though.

Then we went to Sheila's house for the Kappa party. I had great intentions of decorating...the week just got away from me and so it didn't happen. But it was a lot of fun. We had 20 girls there! All different ages and pledge classes, but it was fun because we really all have so much in common now. So it was fun to hear about how many grey hairs we had each found. (apparently I'm in the low count of only 2...and I'm very thankful for that!) And to share labor stories...and crazy teacher stories. We stayed up until after 1a.m!!! I haven't stayed up that late on purpose in a really long time! We decided to make this a yearly event. Next year it's going to be at Amy T.'s house. We even had our old dean and his wife stop by (Randal and Sheri). I am still unclear why they were there, but I think it had something to do with John.

Then we went to the Kappa/Alpha Chi breakfast on Saturday. Holy cow there was such a crowd!!! I think we have all attributed the crowd to LCU celebrating their 50th anniversary. There were people there who hadn't come back since they left, so it was really neat to see so many people! And apparently everyone has been really busy making babies, because so many people have kids or are fixing to have one!

We even went to chapel. And why I went, I don't know. I hated it when I was there, and now I'm going voluntarily??? It was peer pressure. And it was long...almost 2 hours! Did anyone notice the road signs up in the Moody? One of the exit signs said, "exit 728B" I thought that was really funny. It had to have been made by the same person that put the sign up in the moody that said, "no drinks, no camcorders, no cell phones, and no deer"...huh???

I wasn't planning on going to the show, but at the last minute John was able to get tickets for Jenny, Sheila, and I to the saturday night show. So who could pass that up?! The really wierd thing was that they were the exact same seats as the seats we sat in at chapel. What are the odds? The shows were good. I don't get all butt hurt like I used to when Kappa doesn't win. It's so funny to watch them though and the look of dissapointment anger on their faces. Master Follies is some serious stuff...when you're in club anyways. Now I can just make fun of them all. It's much more entertaining that way. So if you couldn't tell Kappa got 2nd. CD's and Alpha Chi won.

All in all it was such a good time. I am always so exhausted by the weekend, but this year it really rejuvenated me. I got to see and talk to so many people, and I am just so grateful to have the friendships, both past and current that I have. It's funny how you forget about certain memories, and someone reminds you about them. I have so many fun memories with so many different people, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

More than once during a prayer or a talk I heard someone mention how some of us coming back to LCU in the last 5 years have had some real hardships to endure. And of course, it's easy for me to think about what has happened with me and my family, and I know there are a lot more people out there who have had a hard time as well. I find it so comforting to know that through all our hardships the bond we have through Christ is something that no one can take away. I saw so many people who knew what had happened, and then some who didn't and were shocked to find out, but all in all...everyone was so loving and supportive. Some people who I hadn't even talked to in over 5 years! I just think it's special and I see how I am so blessed by my time at LCU and all the people that I met. I can't wait for the next 5 years. We were talking about that last night...where we would all be in 5 more years. I will have a little girl that will turning 10 in April in 5 years. That is just absolutely unbelievable to me. It's crazy how time flies.

It was just a great time for me. Jenny, Sheila, and I have even planned a friend trip for the 3 of us in 2 years. We want to go on a cruise together. I can't wait! I'll post pics soon. If you were there it was great to see you, and if you weren't we missed you (Celeste!!!) God Bless!!!

Moving Day

Well tomorrow is moving day. Well I've been moving for days now, but the movers will be here tomorrow to move all my big stuff so technically it's moving day. I may not have internet for a few days. They are coming to hook up my cable and phone tomorrow and are supposed to hook up my internet if they have time. The operative work being "time." They said I could hook it up myself if I know how. Well I've explained the "technical" challenges I have, so I am not even going to try to attempt that. So I may not have email for a few days. So if you email me and I don't respond, that's why!

I am just glad that we are almost done. I am getting pretty excited about the new house, which is good, because I was kind of getting sad about leaving the old house. That's all I'm going to say about that, because as you can imagine in my situation it can be easy to get sad, and I just don't have the time or energy for that. So I am just focusing on the positive and the future! And my new bed and couch that I'm fixing to get!

Well better go...still got lots to do!

New State Law

So did you all hear about the new law that TEXAS was the first state to pass? Starting in the 6th grade it will be mandatory for all girls will have to have the HPV vacine. And I'm equally as shocked that Rick Perry was the one who signed the bill into law. For those of you who live under a rock, HPV is the sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer. I am not sure what I think about that. I mean I think we should do all we can to help prevent cancer. On the other hand, what kind of message does that send? It kind of reminds me of the big debate in the 90's about handing out condoms in schools. Every abstinece based program out there had a fit about the message that put out there for kids. I remember in high school lots of moms put their daughters on the pill. They knew their daughters were having sex, and they didn't want them coming home pregnant. Not my mom...no way!

I don't know, I just think this is such a sad, fallen world. The cynic is me says, yeah their going to do it and we need to protect them. And by that I don't mean all kids. I think you have the group of kids that, yes they are going to have sex. And then you have the group that make a mistake. And as humans, we all know the price that a mistake can cost. But then the good part in me says, why do we have to be so cynical? Why can't we just teach our kids what is right, and have faith that they will follow in that? The jury is still out for me on this one. I don't know...what do you think? I think a big part of what I don't like, is that I am being told I have to immunize my daughter and I don't have a choice. My state is making that choice for me. I heard something about being able to get out of it by theological choice, but I didn't get all details. But regardless, I don't think it's right to be told what we should do or not do...are we not in control of the choices for our families? Should the state of Texas be able to decide what is best for my daughter over me?