Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Life

Yesterday of those of the family who could come into town, they did. We spent the day with Mema. My dad called everyone on Monday and said if you want to see her before it's too late, you better come now. It was a nice day, we all talked about our favorite "Mema" memory, and all took our turns talking to Mema. She is doing really well considering. She can't actually feel the pain, but it's evident that she is in pain. The family decided to go ahead and administer a narcotic patch that will put her at ease and not be so tense. We're not sure what what is keeping her here, but this will help her to let go and sleep peacefully. And eventually at some point the infection will take her.

We all know she is going to go, but man it is so hard! I am already dreading the funeral. Everyone was just crying yesterday, and I think seeing Jenny and my dad cry is the hardest for me. There is something about seeing your dad cry that is just not pleasant. And Jenny well, I know she has such a hard time with this, and she's my little sister.

I guess this is kind of been a distraction for me, in an odd sense. I've been just dealing with lots of different emotions lately, and been frustrated, b/c I don't know what to do with them. Yesterday, when I picked the kids up from Sunset, one of the directors told me that one of the kids hit Kyle and he got upset and said, "I wish my daddy would come back." Awwww...so hard, so hard!!! And she said that Madi used to be a very calming effect in class and now is always trying to get the class in an uproar. I get so mad, because I feel like we're paying for his selfishness and it's not fair. It makes me very angry. It's easy to get caught up in saying, "well this isn't fair and why me?" And it's not fair, but it's happened and I have to deal with it. Sometimes I just don't know how.

So this is me, being real with what is going on with life. I still have a positive attitude and outlook, things are just kind of stressed right now. But it will get better.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Amanda said...

I don't care what anyone says, you can never be prepared for someone to die. Especially a grand parent. It's tough, but you know she will be with Oscar! And Kyle will be okay. That will take time too.

1:15 PM  
Blogger April Carrasco said...

Larissa, I can't imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. You are in my constant thoughts and prayers.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I'm sorry you're losing your grandmother in the midst of everything else going on. I'm constantly amazed by you though. I'm still praying too.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Kristy, Michael, Kalynn, and Kaden said...

You are such an amazing person, I have been touched by your words, thoughts, strength, and faith. My mom always tells me "This too shall pass", not always a comfort in time of trials, but truth. I'm praying for you and your kids.

4:44 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I'll say it again, you are such an amazing person. Look at everyone that admires your strength, Larissa!
That breaks my heart about Madi and Kyle. Those have to be the hardest times. How do you explain to a 4 year old?
You are in my constant thoughts and prayers too....I hope that you can keep your head up high.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Lyndy said...

Larissa, I haven't been online in a few days to read blogs, so I am just catching up. I lost my grandmother when I was going through my separation and divorce and it was so hard. It is so hard to let go of the people we love but even though my grandmother has been gone for almost 9 years now, the closeness we shared I still experience everyday…that is the great thing about memories, no one can take them away.

I know it must be so hard to see your precious children suffering because of the separation. Kids just don’t understand. Heck you don’t understand either or at least if you are like me you don’t.

Your strength is amazing and you will make it through this pit.

9:25 PM  

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