So I said I was going to try to write more later...we'll see how this comes out. My thoughts are kind of all over the place. This morning when I dropped the kids off at Sunset, I forgot to turn off my car. I figured that out when I started looking for my keys and realized that they were in the car that was left running outside. Steal my car...I dare you! Pregnant or not, I could kick some serious booty, and not come out with a scratch on me. :) :) :)

So I've been thinking about moral codes and the gift of free will. You know I've done a lot of sinful things, but I am still a very naive person. I think my personality wants to see the good in people, and believes that most people are inherently good. And really I guess that is based on my moral code, and for some strange and naive reason I think most people have that same moral code. I generally don't associate with people who don't. Not because I'm judgemental, it's just that most of those people don't go to church, aren't a part of my family, and they're probably not a friend of mine. I have some friends that I don't necessarily agree with what they do, but I love them regardless, I just don't agree with their actions. I think too living in Lubbock, with a church on every corner, you start to feel that everyone in the same town as you believe the things you do. And we are shocked when someone does something that doesn't fit in with our moral code. Especially someone we were closed to. HOWEVER, (and it's a very big however) we all can make our own choices. And in all reality at some point the only one we will answer to for our choices is God. Christian, non-christian, or a christian who has fallen away...we all have the choice to do whatever we want. And that includes the choices that may or may not fit into someone else's moral code.

The very first day all this started I went to Monterey to talk to Barry Stephens (our minister) and told him what was happening. I was looking for spiritual guidance in any way, shape, or form. I talked to 4 different ministers that day. But I said to Barry, I don't know what kind of man could do this? And he said, "It happens everyday." It wasn't exactly the warm and fuzzy answer I was looking for, but it was the absolute truth. And sometimes I think the truth is what we need to hear. Murder happens everyday. Rape happens everyday. Bad things happen everyday. We wouldn't have FOX News if shocking things that went against our moral code didn't happen everyday. Our world is full of it.

The shock and understanding is the hard part. It reminds me of the title of one of Dr. Laura's books. "How Could You Do That?" I've never read it, but I know it's about trying to understand other's behaviors. I find myself saying that a lot. And the longer this goes, I can't say that I'm more shocked, I guess it's just adds to it. And in some way I just have to say, whatever! I am trying my best to work on my reaction. We can't control others choices, but we do have to learn how to react to those choices. And I'll be the first to admit, some days it's much easier than others. Some days I leave my car running, or zone off and run a red light. (I'm really working on being clear headed while driving, b/c that is just not safe!)

I don't know how many times I've heard or said, "well this will all turn out good." And I will believe that until the day I die. And if that means that by turning out good I'm in heaven, then how wonderful will that be. But I just can't help that in this life, God will make something out of this horrible situation to make my life better. Does that mean I meet a wonderful man who wants to be a great father to my children? I don't know...maybe. Does that mean that I write a book someday and help other women through difficult situations...maybe. Who really knows? I don't, but I can be rest assured that God does. And how reassuring is that??? Many times I've said that God is a redeeming god. And what is so wonderful to me is that He is a redeeming God for those who make good choices and those who make bad choices. I am so thankful that God is helping me to make good choices, and is guiding me. It scares me to think of the alternative. And I really believe that for those who can make bad choices and can be okay with it, they've lost touch with everything that is good. That is the only thing that makes sense.

Somedays I just want to pull my hair out. I have a two year old, and a 4 year old, and I have some crazy hormones flowing through me, can you blame me? And maybe it's not my hair that I so much want to pull out...I can't think of some other's hair that I would like to pull out...hee, hee. :) But it's not killing me, so it will continue to make me stronger, and prepare me for what God has to show me...and while I may blog about my situation a lot now, you just wait. Because when I begin to discover God's plans, I probably won't ever shut up.

And you know I just want to say, do you realize that we all have the power to live that way? I don't know how many times someone says to me, "I don't know how you're doing it." God gives every single one of us the power to live in Him and get through any situation. But like all the choices we have in life, we have the free will to make that choice. And we also have the free will to not make that choice. And everyday it is a conscience choice that I have to make, but it is ONLY because of Him that I am where I am. Not because of anything I've done on my own.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11