Home Sweet Home

So yesterday evening I went and signed my lease. I got the keys, and went over there and did a little cleaning. I think I had mentioned before that these are the duplexes that my Mema lived in before she went to the nursing home. Hers was always so neat and clean, and I always felt very much at home there.

Well my new house, I have to be honest I didn't feel was quite so homey. In fact, I got kind of upset. It's old, outdated, I have a neighbor down the street who thinks it's cool to park on the grass...these are just a few of the things that started to bother me. The home that Nathan and I had I absolutely loved. It was big, beautiful and my most favorite house we had ever lived in.

But I started thinking, and for one thing, this is temporary. I don't want to live there forever. This is a means to which will help me save more money so that I can afford to be in school and not to also have to work. This will probably even motivate me even more to keep working hard!

And most importantly, a house is not defined by four walls. It is defined by the people in it. It is made up of memories and the good things that happen inside those four walls. Anyone can have a house, but not everyone has a home.

I sat down on my carpet last night and just prayed that God would bless this house, and help us to make it a home. That the things that come in and out of the house would bless our family, and you know...I know God will. I have nothing to fear, nothing to worry about, and nothing to be sad about.

I know now why my Mema's house was so cute. It was because of the love that was inside that home. And me and my kids have that too.

So now, I am excited to do some things, and get it decorated and make it our own place.

Thank You!!!

You know sometimes there are just some things or people in life that send blessings your way, and you can't help but just be so full of gratitude.

I was a little worried about how many people I would have to help me tomorrow. I mean obviously I can't do a whole lot. And my dad hurt his knee...so I was just a little nervous, but I knew it would work out okay. Well I was talking to my friend Sheila, who I hadn't talked to in a while, and telling her this, and about an hour later I got a call from John.

He told me that he would have a moving company here and they would get everything done. It won't be until Monday, but I'm not going to complain. I just feel so grateful for that! I just never expected anyone to do that for me. He said that God had blessed them, and they wanted to help out.

I just don't have words for what I feel, but I am just so thankful.

Moving Day...again???

I think I could find some sort of spiritual meaning out of everything. I don't know if it's right or not, but it's a peaceful thing for me anyways. Like this weather...I love it. I don't really like it when the kids want to play outside, because they can't, but I just think there is something so cleansing and peaceful about rain. I love to watch the lightening and clouds move, it just has God and his power written all over it. It helps me to feel even closer to God.

I am packing today. I decided to take the day off and get everything ready for tomorrow. This really will be an easy move, because I don't have to clean out anything. I already did that the first time I moved. So I am just putting things in boxes.

I have a lot on my mind. I have tried to write, but it's just not coming out the way I want it to, or it's just hard for me to talk about. I am doing good, I am just trying to focus on today...and not borrow trouble from tomorrow. It's funny, I changed the name of my blog about 9 months ago I guess. It was definately before all of the new events of my life happened, but I find myself saying, "take it one day at a time" so often now. It is really how I have had to learn to live. And I know that is what God wants. There isn't any good in worrying about tomorrow, because what good will it do? I just need to take it to God and know that He will take care of me. I need to focus on what I am doing right now, and how God is working in this moment. And He is working.

And it's still okay for me to be sad. Sometimes I get onto myself, because I get sad and I just wish I could snap out of it. But as I've learned it is okay, and it is good. I just need to make sure I crawl up into God's lap when I am sad, and let Him comfort me. And really, as frustrated as I may get with myself, I am glad that I feel things. There are a lot of people in this world that just don't feel anything. They are so cold and dead on the inside that they wouldn't know a feeling if it hit them in the face!

In my divorce care group I learned that for most people it takes 1 year of healing for every 4 1/2 years you were married. So I have a little over a year before I'll be through the brunt of this, according to experts. We talked about new relationships at our last meeting. And of course someday I would like to be married again, but that is just crazy to think about right now. At my one year point I will have a 6 month old. I know the men are going to be lining up! But one thing I did hear that gave me hope was from a minister. He said, "God knows where your mate is, so I guess you better get to where God is." I thought that was interesting. I don't know, it's kind of wierd to even talk about. My priority is my kids, and making sure they're healthy and happy and good, christian kids...so I don't want anything getting in the way of that!

Anyways, well I better get around here and get some more packing done. Have a good weekend!

New Things

I started my job yesterday. I was fixing to say on Monday, and realized that Monday was just yesterday! It is so super easy. In fact, I am looking for things to do. I spend the morning in CTED (Career Technology Education) We cook once a week for the faculty and staff that wants to buy what we make. I've eaten out there with my mom before, and they go all out with great food. So it's pretty neat. And we do food labs. Today we made belguim waffles. And the best part is eating it! I'm out there until 11:45, and then I have lunch until 1:10. Then 2 study skills classes, and one study hall class. So basically, I get to read books all afternoon if I chose to.

Kyle is doing great. He hasn't cried once about going to daycare, and really seems to enjoy it. His teacher said that he is the most polite little boy. What a joy to hear as a mother!!! My dad picks him up at 3 everyday and takes him to Dairy Queen and gets ice cream. And his favorite part is that he gets to ride in my dad's Jeep. He thinks that is the coolest thing ever.

Madi started riding the bus on Monday. Talk about a little girl who is amused by the smallest things...she loves it! She likes school because she can buy her lunch and ride the bus. What more could life offer?!

We are moving on Saturday. I am ready to get it done with, and FINALLY be settled.

Things are just working out great. Thanks to all of you for the prayers! Now if we can just get my house rented that I am living in now...then all of my ducks will be in a row!

Well I better go. We are going to come to Lubbock tonight. Nathan is supposed to take the kids to dinner, and my dad and I are going to pack.

Pictures

Last night my dad came up and mowed the lawn for us. Madi intently sat by the back door to watch him. I can't believe she will be 5 years old in a few days. What a milestone! The other picture is Kyle in his bunny ears that they made in church this morning. He has been wearing them all day. I love these guys so much.

Happy Birthday to Me

Well it's my birthday...yea! I have had a good day, and it continues to get better. This morning I got to eat breakfast with my sister, Lisa, and Jennifer. They got me a dozen roses, and had a little party. I was totally not expecting that. Lisa cooked a wonderful breakfast. And I have great leftovers in my fridge! If you have never had sopapilla cheesecake you're missing out!

I was a little bummed today, because the place in Slaton that I wanted to move to told me this morning that they wouldn't rent to me, because I didn't have enough rental history. And I said, you're right, I have owned my own house for the last 4 years. So no, I don't have any rental history. I even told them my parents would co-sign and they said no. It was just really dumb. Well come to find out, she called me back a little bit ago and said she changed her mind. She would rent to me and the reason why she didn't want to was because she didn't really like my parents. She said they were difficult to work with. My mema lived in the those duplexes before she went to the nursing home, and my parents were the ones who dealt with her when something would go wrong. I told my mom that, and she felt bad. She didn't know that they thought they were difficult to work with....but anywho...I have a place to live now. I should move in a week to two weeks.

I really think it's going to be good for me. I know Lubbock isn't a big town, but I think for me right now it will be good to get out of Lubbock and clear my head a little bit. The small town life is just a little bit slower, and I think that's what I need. Well that in addition to the extra help that my parents will provide! I am still planning on going to church in Lubbock. I think that it is important for me to keep a connection to some things. I really enjoy Monterey, and they have been a real source of comfort for me.

Today when I took Madi to school her teacher stopped me and wanted to talk to me. I was like oh great, please tell me this isn't bad. I just can't take it right now! And it wasn't bad, it was just that some of the boys have a big crush on Madi and she just wants me to be aware. She said that at the beginning of the school year the same thing happened, and some of the mothers thought it was really cute and would take pictures of the boys and girls together, and make a big deal out of it. So now, some of the boys think that is what they're supposed to do. I didn't know that sexual harassment could happen at such an early age! Anyways, I asked her what I could do on my end and she said, just be aware and listen to Madi. But she said that she is adjusting very well, and is fitting in great. She said she is very confident. (Anyone who has ever been around Madi knows that!) Her teacher told me that when they went to P.E. Madi said, "oh good I can show everyone my soccer skills." She cracks me up. She is such a fun girl.

Well I am going to start getting ready in a little bit. We are meeting all of my family at Texas Roadhouse for dinner. I was so tired today, but I'm starting to perk up. You know you're tired when you can sit in a chair with a 2 1/2 year old and and an 8 month old in your lap and doze off. Yes, I did that today. They are both very active, but I still managed to fall asleep. But don't worry, no one was hurt.

I can't think of a title

I just picked up Kyle from Sunset. Our time there is done. It is sad to me, because that pre-school has been very close to my heart for a long time. I have loved all of their teachers, and the directors have been very good friends to me...especially since all of this has happened. They have prayed with me and for me and just been a listening ear. They truly are ministers.

I did my sub training this morning. It took all of an hour. Which I don't really think it takes a rock scientist to sub, so it shouldn't take that long. I should start on monday. I am not that thrilled about putting Kyle in daycare. I just don't like day care, and it goes against the mother in me, but it's just for 2 months. I am not sure about the summer. I don't know if they will go to daycare part time, full time, or at all. That's too far ahead for me to think about. I think this time me putting the kids in full time care is different than a year ago when I went back to work and had to do it. For one my life is COMPETELY different, and I think the woman and mother in me is stepping up to take care of my family. And part of doing that is by working or making a future for me and my kids. And to me that is what is most important. So the guilt that satan wants me to feel, I am just having to put out of my head. I am taking care of me and my family as God would want me to do.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I will be 29. I am glad I am not turning 30 in the same year all this is happening. That might have been just way too much to handle! But when I do turn 30 I don't see it as something bad. I really welcome the age. I expect to wake up that morning with tons of wisdom. :) :) :)

Well I've got to go. Kyle is trying to get into everything. And I've really got to clean up a little bit.

For Sale

Okay, so I'm trying to use my blog to make money now! I am wanting to sell my cell phone. I am going to switch carriers, and I just got this phone in December 2006. So it's only 3 months old. It's a Motorola Razr phone and it's only compatible with Alltel. I have the phone and the charger. And it really is a great phone...I just can't use it with my new carrier. It is silver. Let me know if you are interested, or if you know someone who might be interested.

First Day of School...

Today was Madi's first day of school, and she just loved it! She felt so special that she was going to the "big kid's" school. I think it is really going to be good for her, because she feels that she has something of her own. She told Kyle this morning, "No Kyle, you have to go to your own school. This is just for big kids." After school we went to the store and got her school supplies. I always loved doing that when I was little. I still love doing that. There's just something cheery about new school supplies.

Well I am feeling much better today. For one, I'm not as tired. And everything is just working out so well. I have a lot to be thankful for. And I also went to counseling today. Man, I can't tell you what that is doing for me. I will post later about the things I learned. It takes me a while to digest it, and then be able to write or talk about it. And what I'm learning is not something that is just really personal, it's something that every person can benefit from. If it was personal, I probably would be more hesitant to share. We talk about a lot of spiritual things. And just a lot of reflection of life. I actually have homework this time. He wants me to share what I learned with one person. I have a feeling I'll be sharing it with more people than that. It is a diagram on the basis of the kind of therapy he does. It's very interesting.

I will do my sub training on thursday morning, and be ready to go for monday. I am really looking forward to it. I think the decision to work the rest of the school year is going to be good for me. It's not a huge commitment right now, but it will serve a lot of good purposes right now.

Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you to those who leave comments. Seriously, you people make me cry. I am just so uplifted by what you say, and so grateful to have a network of "bloggers" that support me. There are several who have never even met me! I am very thankful to all of you! God bless you all!

Keep on keepin' on...

Well I am tired today! I didn't do a whole lot physically, but I got a lot of busy stuff done. I had a list of about 10 things to do, and I have 2 left on my list. And I will have those done shortly.

I got Madi in the pre-k program at Slaton. She will start tomorrow. I can't believe it. I tell you it pays to know people. I had been told by two school professionals that it was full, and she wouldn't be able to get in. I went and met with the principal today and he said she can start tomorrow. She is so excited. She has her clothes laid out, and she asked at 6:50 p.m. if she could go ahead and go to bed. Who am I to stand in the way of her dream of an early bedtime? So both kids are down, and ohhhh how I needed that.

It's also looking like I got a permanent sub position for the rest of the year at the high school. It's a pretty easy position. I don't actually have to teach anything. I'm taking over for a woman that was an aid. I should be able to start by Monday. I called the principal last night, and she has been the one who has done all this for me. I am very thankful that everything is working out.

And I'm pretty sure I am going to move to Slaton. I haven't signed a lease yet, but I hope to have that done this week. The church in Slaton has offered to move me. I am so grateful for them. That is where Nathan and I went to church, got married, etc...and they have always had a special place in my heart even though I started going to Monterey over a year ago.

And although all of this is working out, I'm just having a hard day. I can't really explain why. Sometimes you don't have to have a reason to be upset, you just are! Nathan's appraisal business moved offices today, and for some reason I am so upset about it. I really can't explain why. It just upsets me. I think a lot of it is because I really have to keep my focus on myself and God and not on what he is doing. Having the freedom to do whatever you want with whoever you want can look very appealing at times for a single mom who feels very confined to her life. And don't get me wrong I love my kids with all my heart, but I want to have fun too. It's just hard sometimes. And usually I am very good at realizing how lonely he really is. I've lived the party scene before and it's nothing to write home about, and it does nothing for you. I know satan wants me to think that his life is great, grand, and wonderful...but I just have to stay focused and know that satan is a master manipulator and will do whatever he has to, to make me feel down.

I'm also 29 weeks pregnant and full of crazy hormones...that may be part of my problem! :)

So I will go read the bible, pray, listen to some good music...do whatever I have to do to get to where I need to be. Man what would I do without God??? I seriously don't see how people going through a divorce do this without God. I can't imagine, and I don't want to.

Forgiveness...

Okay so two posts in one day. I just had something on my mind. I have a friend who also blogs and she was talking about how she was starting the journey to let go of a hurt that she has had for a while. She has realized how she needs to forgive and move on.

I could totally identify with those feelings. Feelings of betrayl, hurt, bitterness, anger...you name it, and I know how it feels. When I read her blog, I thought, "oh that's great, I am so glad she is ready and choosing to do that. Good for her." And guess what other thought popped into my head, and I know exactly who put it there!!!! "Well I've got a long time before I have to start working on that. I need to nurse this a while longer, because well as everyone knows divorce takes a really long time to get over, so I am excused." Oh helllooo...why do I think that the rule of needing to forgive has some sort of time line? Why do I get an excuse to be angry?

Now I will be the first to admit that I am definately going through an emotional process of feelings. In divorce care they go through each of those feelings. Anger, depression, lonliness, grieving, and they definately make it a point to tell you what you will experience. And that is great, but that doesn't mean that I need to stay there. I need to deal with what I am feeling and learn to move on from that. And that is a daily process.

I don't know, my response just hit me like a lightening bolt, and I am sooo thankful that the Lord is helping me to become aware of "who" wants me to think these things. satan is tricky!

The rules apply to me just as they do to you. And you know I have to admit, that I found myself letting go of something that has really been hurting me this week, and I also experienced some wonderful blessings from God because of that choice. Me learning to forgive blesses me more, then it does that person. I am only hurting myself for holding onto the hurt. And as my friend used a thought from Oprah, I will too. Choosing to forgive doesn't change the level on which you were hurt. (paraphrased) God knows my every tear, and my every cry. And He knows how much I have been hurt. As long as He knows that's all that matters, because He is the one who will redeem me. No human can do that.

Spring Break

I know most children, teachers, and any other school professional really look forward to spring break. Well I'll be honest, I don't!!! I value my Tuesday and Thursday alone. I love my little guys to death, but everyone needs a break! However, I will have to say, they have been great this week. We have done something everyday. Spent time with someone to kind of make the time pass. I just can't stay home all day. I like to be out and having something to do. Even when I'm alone I like to be out doing something. But I will be looking forward to this Tuesday that is for sure!

As for myself, I am doing well. I am discovering the empowerment of being proactive! And if you are a very proactive person, you probably don't understand what my problem is...but we all have our different struggles.

One of my biggest decisions I am trying to make is if I should move. I know, I know, I know...I just moved. Believe me, I hate moving. But I am considering moving to Slaton. If you don't know where Slaton is, it's only 20 minutes away, but it's where my parents are. I had actually thought about moving there when all this first happened, but I didn't want to feel defeated, or that I was running home to mommy and daddy.

I don't feel that way anymore. It is simply out of convenience that I am considering this. The closer June gets here, the more of a reality for me that I will be a new mother again! My mom and dad would be literally 2 minutes away to come over help with baths, bedtime, picking Madi up from school, etc...and it's just comforting to know that they are there. It takes a load off of me physically, but also emotionally.

I talked to my landlord yesterday, and I can get out of my lease, but I am responsible for the rent until it rents again, and any costs that it takes to get it rented. (newspaper advertising, carpet cleaning, being re-keyed, etc.) So that is kind of risky, and could get expensive.

I haven't looked for a place in Slaton yet, I am waiting to figure out some more of these other details and then will work on that. (I have a longggg list of things to figure out)

I am also thinking of putting Madi in the pre-k program at Slaton. For one, it's FREE!!! I talked to the Principal's wife the other day, and she told me to come talk to him after spring break and he will see what he can do about getting her in there. If not, he thinks she can go ahead and go to the K-garten class until the end of the year. And then the other thing I am working on is subbing for the rest of the year out at Slaton. Slaton pays way more than Lubbock if you have a degree. They pay more than anyone around, really, so...I am looking into doing that until the end of May. I am just trying to save as much money as possible, and put back as much back as I can.

Then my other big thing I am working on is going back to school. I have been thinking about this for a while, and I believe that it is important that I don't put it off. I need to start doing what I can now to make this happen. I want to do the Masters of Speech Pathology program at Tech. I have to take two classes at LCU, South Plains or something like that, and then I will have 24 hours of leveling courses, and then I can start the Masters Program. The program is 2 years. So I'm looking at being in school for a while, but it's something I really want to do, and it's something that I will be able to support my family on when I'm done.

So yes, I am looking to do all of this with small children. And I know that this will be very hard, but anyone can do anything for an amount of time as long as they at one point there will be an end. And one day I will have my degree and a lot of options for a career. I can work in a retirement home, school district, be a practitioner...lots of things.

And most of all, I have discovered the huge power of moving on and making a future for me and my children. Living in the past, or trying to hold on to something that failed only hurts me. And I want to move on. My prospects of a better future are great, and I truly know and believe that. Anyone has a great future that builds their foundation on the Lord, and that is what I am doing. We still have many challenges ahead of us, but everyone does...single mother or not!

So please pray for me and we make some new thing happen in our lives. And I also have a prayer request for Chad and Traci. (my bil and sil) It's looking like Chad will be going to Iraq for a while. (a year) He is not a soldier, but they have been presented with the opportunity for him to go over there and work. This could be a great financial opportunity for them, and it could really bless their family. They have 3 small boys, and so Traci will now be joining the world of single motherdom! Please keep them in your prayers too.

Hope you all are having a restful spring break!!!

Happy Birthday Jenny!!!

Today is my friend Jenny's birthday. Which made me realize that my birthday is 10 days away! We don't have a problem remembering each other's birthdays for that reason!

Happy Birthday Jenny!!!!! I love you!!!

Learning to Live

I love nights like these. Here in the hub city, it rained almost all day. I love to watch the clouds at night after a rainy, overcast day. They move so fast, and it's almost kind of eerie, but in a good way. It makes me feel closer to God and nature.

Last night I started writing this post, and in the middle of it my computer just shuts off. I turned it back on, and it shut off again. It did that like 5 times. I lost the post, and it's frustrating to me, because I was writing very intensely. I think my thoughts may have overheated the computer. So I am going to attempt to re-write this. I personally feel that satan doesn't want me to write it. He has tried to make me feel as if what I want to say isn't really that important, or has lost some value to me. But I know that's not true. What I have learned about myself in the last few days has changed my life, and now I need to do something about that.

I have been doing a lot of self reflection since my counseling appointment. A great deal was pointed out to me about my language. And no, I don't have a potty mouth, but I mean language in the sense of how I speak, and what I believe and the voices that I choose to listen to.

I was told that satan works out of fear to influence us. Well feelings of fear have certainly been one of the biggest emotions I have experienced over the last 3 months. I feel scared financially, physically, emotionally. I have fear for my children, my future...you name it and I've probably been fearful about something. I do believe that God will take care of me, but I definately think for me at some point in this process the feeling of fear have been inescapeable.

Why does satan want me to feel fearful? Because when I feel scared I become paralyzed by those feelings. I feel stuck. And when I am stuck I don't do anything. I sit and let life happen to me. And that's not what God wants for me.

I've been reading the bible...a lot. I've been studying. I've seen scriptures that I've seen a thousand times before jump out at me and mean something completely different. I've read about Joseph, David, Job, Moses and see the actions they took and what do they have in common? They were bold. They had courage and faith. We probably wouldn't have heard of them if they hadn't lived their life with courage and faith. There would be no story of God's glory.

Something hit me like a ton of bricks. "What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?" James 2:14

I have a wooden plaque above my door that says, "Be still and know that I am God." I love that. That is peaceful. However, for me that can be deceiving. Particulary the "be still" part. I have taken that to mean, "Be still Larissa and don't do anything." And that is NOT what God meant. I can sit here all day and say "God is good, God is great!" But if I don't follow that up with action then God says I'm a liar and my faith is dead.

I hate making decisions. If you ever want to go eat with me, I never care where we go. As song as they have good iced tea. I am a pretty easy going person. I am scared to make decisions, because I am afraid of making the wrong one. But it is no way to live by allowing others to live your life for you. And that is what I have done to myself. Well, I'm not in that position anymore. I have to be solely responsible for me and my kids. That in itself is scary! But if I truly believe what I say, that God will take care of us, then I need to step out in action and start living. I need to make some bold decisions for myself and my children.

Dr. B asked me what I had done that day to change my situation. I said, "umm well I got up, took my kids to school and came to counseling." He looked at me like I was wierd. It kind of made me mad, because what I wanted to say way, "listen Mr. my life is hard. Give me some credit for getting out of bed today!" He asked me if I just expected God to drop my future into my lap. And no I don't. I am now learning that I need to pray about my future, make some decisions, and God will bless those decisions. Otherwise, I am sitting at the mercy of someone else's control, and let me tell you firsthand it's not fun. And it's scary...and that's exactly how satan wants me to feel.

I have to step out in boldness and trust that the Lord is walking with me. I have to not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. And to be honest I have felt empowerd since this decision. I have become out of practice of making decisions...and it really is a learned skill for some, myself included. I have been reactive far too long, and am learning to become pro-active.

So I ask for prayers as I make some really big decisions about my life and the direction it will go. I am putting away my fears, and realizing that I have nothing to be afraid of. God is with me, so it doesn't matter who is against me! There will be times when it will be hard, and I will have the inclination to want to fall back into old patterns of "sitting", but I can't. I can't afford to do that. I don't want to be scared anymore. I am tired of it. It's not a place for God's children to be, and no good will ever come from being scared. But so much will come from being bold and courageous.

Believing is only part of it. I clarified in my last post that yes, I believe. But now it's time for me to start showing myself, God, and others that I believe. "Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works." James 2:26

"Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." James 4:17....Ouch!!!!

Am I Delusional?

Ya know I've been thinking a lot. As I tend to do pretty often. I am alone with my thoughts. Usually with a kid screaming in the background, but still alone with my thoughts. I don't think I am actually ever alone.

Everyone tells me how wise and strong I am, and sometimes I stop and think, "do I really believe what I say?" Am I just trying to be overly optimistic, or am I crazy? I really thought about that one, and I really do believe what I say. I really do believe that God can heal anything. I believe in miracles. I think the human in us wants to put the doubt out there because we are human, or maybe I should say Satan. But I do believe!!!

I went to counseling today. Man, Dr. Buchanan doesn't b.s. around...and I'm thankful for that. I wanted someone to shoot me strait, and did he ever. I left there with a whole lot to think about. A whole lot of mental cleaning out that I need to do.

Sometimes I would like to sit down and have a pity party. He said that I can throw a tantrum if I'd like, but I can't stay there. I don't have that luxury. (If that's considered a luxury.) There are lots of luxuries that as a single mom I don't have. No, that's not fair, but...... Fair ended in the garden of Eden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty powerful thought, huh??? I can't take credit for it. Sunday we went to church at Trinity for Ryder's baby dedication ceremony, and the lady who spoke (yes, I said lady...all you church of Christ people please don't pass out) said it. That really spoke to me.

Life isn't fair, and God never said it would be. But He did say, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:11

He said that along with countless of other scriptures that give me true HOPE that I am not delusional. That help me keep the faith that I can and should believe what I say. Above all for me right now, THE SECURITY TO KNOW THAT I WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF.

I really struggle some days, and that's alright. But man I tell ya, I am so thankful and so blessed. I DO BELIEVE that I can do anything with Christ who gives me strength. And anyone or anything that tells me differently is just lying to me, and wants me to believe that I am stuck. Because in Christ, we are never stuck. We were freed a long time ago...and I will not go back!

Remembrance

I am going to attempt to write this. Why is it that AS SOON as I sit down to write, and do some writing that will take me a little thought, SOMEONE insists on sitting in my lap. Why do they always need something AS SOON as I sit down? This also happens while I'm in the shower. I don't even tell them anymore that I'm going to get in the shower, because somehow to them that means, "hey let's act like zoo animals!"

Anyways, well the funeral is over. I am so glad. It seems there is alwasy so much build up to an event like that. I have learned so much about what all you have to do when a loved one passes away. There are so many things I never thought about. And can you imagine having to do all of this for someone you really didn't like very much? I felt honored to be able to help and have input, but even then there was just so much to do. I was so tired last night, I thought I was going to pass out. But we all slept good, and it's a new day!

I had a very odd weekend. I never realized how my mema's life and death would impact my life so much. And impact my present situation so much. I do miss her very much. It's wierd to think that she is gone. I think as a grandchild, you always think your grandparents will live forever. Somehow they should be immortal or something! So it's kind of wierd realizing that she is gone. I'm kind of sad that on Tuesday and Thursdays that I can't go sit with her anymore. Many of those days I would drop the kids off at school and then head to Slaton. A lot of those times she would just be sleeping, but it would just be so comforting to me to sit there. She took care of me so much when I was little, and it was the least I could do for her.

I had really dealt with her death. We were all really becoming weary of seeing her struggle to breathe and were wanting her to pass on. She was hanging on and we didn't understand why. A human body, especially one that is so worn out, can only hold on for so long. And she was fighting! I sat with her on thursday, and really thought that would be it.

Friday evening I went to eat dinner with my mom and sister. We're were talking about everything and the overwhelming feeling came over me that I had to go see her again. I was supposed to go to the Zoe conference that night. I was really torn on what to do. I knew that I had to tell Mema what happened with Nathan and I. No one ever told her, because we knew it would just worry her and upset her. Back in December she was mentally and physically with it and would have understood, but still we didn't see the need. Well I knew I had to go tell her. I felt that if I was in any way responsible for the reason why she was haning on, then I had to do my part.

A lot of you don't know my Mema, but she was a caretaker in every sense of the word. She was a mother to 4 boys, who didn't have a very good fatherly influence. She is the reason why those 4 boys turned out so well. My Papa was an alcoholic, and a mean one at that. (Are there any nice ones?) I had always entrusted my Mema with lots of personal things. Even through college I would always come visit her in Post, and there really weren't many secrets!

So while I was at the Zoe conference the feeling kept getting stronger and stronger. The theme was "Closer" and they were talking about being closer to God. And for me that is the journey I have been on for a couple of months now. Wanting to be closer to God...what do I do? How do I get there? Well I knew that if anyone was closest to God right now my Mema was. So I decided when Zoe was over that I was going to Slaton to see her. I called my Mom and told her I was going to come out there, and I was just going to spend the night.

I went out to the care center and 2 ladies from church were there with her. We had lots of people volunteer to sit with her when we couldn't. I asked the ladies if I could be alone with her. I sat with her and just started crying. She was asleep and barely breathing. I told her what had happened with Nathan. And I told her how difficult it had been, but that I was okay and the kids were okay. We were all strong because of God, and I had the genes of a very strong lady. I told her I loved her and that she needed to go be with God. I patted her arm and rubbed her head and said goodbye. I knew I would never see her again.

I went to my parents house, talked to them for a while, and then went to bed. At 11:45 hospice called and she was gone. If I had stayed at the care center any longer I would have seen her pass away. That's how close she was. I don't know if she was hanging on to hear me say that. For the longest time I would hear my dad say, "mom we're all okay. My family is okay. It's okay for you to go now." And still she laid in that bed. I don't think God makes coincidences, but who really knows! I know that God did so much for me through that moment. He redeemed me, and gave me so much peace.

We came to the care center when hospice called to be there when the funeral home came and got her, and she was so peaceful!!!! We all felt like we could breathe a sigh of relief because she had gone home! The leg that ended up taking her, she could now walk and run on. And we just all know she is having the time of her life. And that's the way it should be!!! I do miss her, but I am just so happy that she is not hurting anymore, and I can't wait to see her again someday.

Oh and by the way, I managed to get through talking at the funeral just fine. I did get a little teary, but I was coherent the entire time! The service was beautiful. They played "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban at the end. It was so fitting for her. We took her back to Post for her final resting place. And that of course was so fitting too. I am so glad she is back there now. She lived there for so many years.

Thanks to you all for your love and prayers. She will always be remembered!

Funeralizing

We have all been "funeralizing" as my mother calls it for days now. I am so tired. I should be in bed. I am going there as soon as I write this. Tomorrow is the funeral. We ended up waiting until tomorrow for two reasons: 1. all the family couldn't get here until today. 2. One of my Mema's best friends and neighbors died on the same day, and they had her funeral today. Isn't that so wierd?

We are all doing good. It's just wierd to think that she is not here. I ended up staying the entire weekend at my parent's house. I didn't get to go to the Zoe Conference on Saturday, because of the events, but I really think I ended up getting so much out of Friday night, so it's okay. I had a nice time at my parents house. It was just nice to be around my parents for a couple of days without kids. It was quiet. Life was simple, and I really just felt comforted with everything that is going on in life right now.

I am supposed to speak at the funeral tomorrow. I have it all written out in case I can't speak and end up having to read. Most of you know how emotional I can be, so I am going to do my best to be as stoic as possible. We'll see how that goes!!! I will certainly do my best to make a good attempt.

I still have a personal story to tell, which is what I'm telling at the funeral tomorrow, but I'm just too tired to write it right now. So I'll get to it sometime. I hope you are all having a good week.

Mema

Last night at 11:43p.m. my Mema passed away. God did something really special right before she died. I'll share later. I just wanted to let everyone know and thank everyone for your prayers. She is at peace and in heaven and I couldn't be more thrilled about that. She passed away 17 minutes before her 93rd birthday. Praise God!!!

Knowing

My house is quiet...very quiet. And while I often long for the quiet, it's wierd. There are no rooms to clean, no diapers to change, and certainly no cartoons to watch. The kids are gone! I spent the morning with my sister, and then met my other sister and Jennifer and ate lunch. Then I think I'm going to meet my mom in a little bit, and do something with her. And then tonight I am going to the Zoe Conference. I wanted to catch a movie, but there is nothing I want to see right now. I wanted to see "The Queen" and "Little Miss Sunshine" but I'm too late. They're gone!

Things are good. I really think God has changed a lot for me in the last week. I seemed to have heard God's voice in so many different ways here recently. One thing I have learned to focus on is what I know. Satan likes to trick me and make me feel a certain way. He wants me to feel down on myself, down on my life, and down on other people and their lives. But I've really discovered how false feelings really are. There is such a false sense of security in how we feel. Feelings fade and they go away. That's why I think the divorce rate is so high. I know that's why my marriage didn't last. One day I told Nathan that love is a choice. He told me it's not. Well anyone that has a brain larger than a pea knows that at some point you don't feel so warm towards your significant other. Those feelings go away. But if we root what we know to be true in God then, we can't be lied to.

Yes, life always happens, and there are so many things that are out of our control, but knowing instead of feeling makes your life different. So I started making a list of what I know. Here is part of it.

I know that God loves me.
I know God loves my children.
I know that my future is blessed.

I know that God is in control.

I know that I am taken care of.

I know that God is using me to help others.

I know that God is working every minute of every day to bless my life.

I could go on and on, because there are so many truths I know about God. And I can trust in that. And I have been amazed at the peace I have gotten from focusing on these things. You know this has been a hard situation, but I'm so grateful that my relationship with God has been strengthened. I am so thankful that through this I have been able to put God first and learn what it means to live in Him.

The Big Day!!!

Well I went to the doctor this morning. Everything is good. I had gained 5 pounds since my last visit, but according to her scales, I have lost it...AGAIN! It doesn't worry me, but I just don't feel like I'm getting bigger.

But the exciting news is that I am scheduled for an induction on June 6th. At first I thought oh no, we can't do it that day. That would be 6-6-06, and then I realized this is 2007. So I am okay with that date. I am not having a C-section, but since I kind of have to plan what to do with the kids, I needed to be scheduled and hopefully not have any surprises! I am having a baby! This is becoming very real to me now. After my appointment in March I will go to my two week appointments. Which seems crazy!

I am starting to get excited though. I know it will be crazy, and will have to pray for lots of sanity, but there has been so much anticipation for this child, that I'm getting ready for it to get here. I've felt like my life has kind of been in a standstill waiting for this moment. So anyways, that is my big news.