Sunday, March 11, 2007

Learning to Live

I love nights like these. Here in the hub city, it rained almost all day. I love to watch the clouds at night after a rainy, overcast day. They move so fast, and it's almost kind of eerie, but in a good way. It makes me feel closer to God and nature.

Last night I started writing this post, and in the middle of it my computer just shuts off. I turned it back on, and it shut off again. It did that like 5 times. I lost the post, and it's frustrating to me, because I was writing very intensely. I think my thoughts may have overheated the computer. So I am going to attempt to re-write this. I personally feel that satan doesn't want me to write it. He has tried to make me feel as if what I want to say isn't really that important, or has lost some value to me. But I know that's not true. What I have learned about myself in the last few days has changed my life, and now I need to do something about that.

I have been doing a lot of self reflection since my counseling appointment. A great deal was pointed out to me about my language. And no, I don't have a potty mouth, but I mean language in the sense of how I speak, and what I believe and the voices that I choose to listen to.

I was told that satan works out of fear to influence us. Well feelings of fear have certainly been one of the biggest emotions I have experienced over the last 3 months. I feel scared financially, physically, emotionally. I have fear for my children, my name it and I've probably been fearful about something. I do believe that God will take care of me, but I definately think for me at some point in this process the feeling of fear have been inescapeable.

Why does satan want me to feel fearful? Because when I feel scared I become paralyzed by those feelings. I feel stuck. And when I am stuck I don't do anything. I sit and let life happen to me. And that's not what God wants for me.

I've been reading the bible...a lot. I've been studying. I've seen scriptures that I've seen a thousand times before jump out at me and mean something completely different. I've read about Joseph, David, Job, Moses and see the actions they took and what do they have in common? They were bold. They had courage and faith. We probably wouldn't have heard of them if they hadn't lived their life with courage and faith. There would be no story of God's glory.

Something hit me like a ton of bricks. "What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?" James 2:14

I have a wooden plaque above my door that says, "Be still and know that I am God." I love that. That is peaceful. However, for me that can be deceiving. Particulary the "be still" part. I have taken that to mean, "Be still Larissa and don't do anything." And that is NOT what God meant. I can sit here all day and say "God is good, God is great!" But if I don't follow that up with action then God says I'm a liar and my faith is dead.

I hate making decisions. If you ever want to go eat with me, I never care where we go. As song as they have good iced tea. I am a pretty easy going person. I am scared to make decisions, because I am afraid of making the wrong one. But it is no way to live by allowing others to live your life for you. And that is what I have done to myself. Well, I'm not in that position anymore. I have to be solely responsible for me and my kids. That in itself is scary! But if I truly believe what I say, that God will take care of us, then I need to step out in action and start living. I need to make some bold decisions for myself and my children.

Dr. B asked me what I had done that day to change my situation. I said, "umm well I got up, took my kids to school and came to counseling." He looked at me like I was wierd. It kind of made me mad, because what I wanted to say way, "listen Mr. my life is hard. Give me some credit for getting out of bed today!" He asked me if I just expected God to drop my future into my lap. And no I don't. I am now learning that I need to pray about my future, make some decisions, and God will bless those decisions. Otherwise, I am sitting at the mercy of someone else's control, and let me tell you firsthand it's not fun. And it's scary...and that's exactly how satan wants me to feel.

I have to step out in boldness and trust that the Lord is walking with me. I have to not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. And to be honest I have felt empowerd since this decision. I have become out of practice of making decisions...and it really is a learned skill for some, myself included. I have been reactive far too long, and am learning to become pro-active.

So I ask for prayers as I make some really big decisions about my life and the direction it will go. I am putting away my fears, and realizing that I have nothing to be afraid of. God is with me, so it doesn't matter who is against me! There will be times when it will be hard, and I will have the inclination to want to fall back into old patterns of "sitting", but I can't. I can't afford to do that. I don't want to be scared anymore. I am tired of it. It's not a place for God's children to be, and no good will ever come from being scared. But so much will come from being bold and courageous.

Believing is only part of it. I clarified in my last post that yes, I believe. But now it's time for me to start showing myself, God, and others that I believe. "Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works." James 2:26

"Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." James 4:17....Ouch!!!!


Blogger jen said...

Wow, you even sound more empowered! I will be praying for you and the decisions you make. God will bless you because he knows your deepest wishes are to please Him!

9:32 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

I feel like not only were you talking to yourself, but also to me. What words! I, too, am a victim of being caught in the words, "be still." I have never thought of it that way. Thanks for opening my eyes. You continue to surprise and amaze me with your faith. I will pray for those decisions you will have to make.

3:31 PM  
Blogger Paulette said...

Hey larissa,
This was a great post. I am proud of the work you are doing for you. It is hard work isn't it. I too am in therapy and have some pretty strong eye opening moments.
I have been coming by to read your posts alot and wanted you to know you are in my prayers.

10:26 PM  

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