Thursday, March 08, 2007

Am I Delusional?

Ya know I've been thinking a lot. As I tend to do pretty often. I am alone with my thoughts. Usually with a kid screaming in the background, but still alone with my thoughts. I don't think I am actually ever alone.

Everyone tells me how wise and strong I am, and sometimes I stop and think, "do I really believe what I say?" Am I just trying to be overly optimistic, or am I crazy? I really thought about that one, and I really do believe what I say. I really do believe that God can heal anything. I believe in miracles. I think the human in us wants to put the doubt out there because we are human, or maybe I should say Satan. But I do believe!!!

I went to counseling today. Man, Dr. Buchanan doesn't b.s. around...and I'm thankful for that. I wanted someone to shoot me strait, and did he ever. I left there with a whole lot to think about. A whole lot of mental cleaning out that I need to do.

Sometimes I would like to sit down and have a pity party. He said that I can throw a tantrum if I'd like, but I can't stay there. I don't have that luxury. (If that's considered a luxury.) There are lots of luxuries that as a single mom I don't have. No, that's not fair, but...... Fair ended in the garden of Eden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty powerful thought, huh??? I can't take credit for it. Sunday we went to church at Trinity for Ryder's baby dedication ceremony, and the lady who spoke (yes, I said lady...all you church of Christ people please don't pass out) said it. That really spoke to me.
Life isn't fair, and God never said it would be. But He did say, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:11
He said that along with countless of other scriptures that give me true HOPE that I am not delusional. That help me keep the faith that I can and should believe what I say. Above all for me right now, THE SECURITY TO KNOW THAT I WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF.
I really struggle some days, and that's alright. But man I tell ya, I am so thankful and so blessed. I DO BELIEVE that I can do anything with Christ who gives me strength. And anyone or anything that tells me differently is just lying to me, and wants me to believe that I am stuck. Because in Christ, we are never stuck. We were freed a long time ago...and I will not go back!


Blogger Lyndy said...

You are doing great. You have been through so, so much and you have a great attitude. For me, I had way too many pity parties. I didn’t have children, so I could come home from work and get in the fetal position and not move until time for work again. Not a good thing!

It took me a lot longer to realize that God didn’t want me to be in that pain but the devil sure did.

You are in my prayers dear one. Hope you have a nice weekend.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Wow, that IS a lot to think about. I think as humans we all doubt at some point but talk about proof right there from scripture that there is no need to.

Girl, I grew up Baptist! I almost passed out at my first COC experience at Baker Heights in Abilene when a 13 year old boy got up and talked about women's roles in the church! I almost left ACU because of it, I thought it was a cult of some kind!!!! I later took a class on women's roles and feel a lot differently about a lot of those roles, however speaking and praying in front of people are not ones that I feel differently about. We cannot even have a little girl lead a prayer at school any time b/c some parent had a fit about it. THat is so sad to me.
On a different note, you are human but a strong one. You have kept your focus along with your emotions and there is a lot to be said about your character for that. You DEFINATELY are NOT dillusional!

9:15 AM  
Blogger Traci said...

I love your entry and I couldn't agree more. This life isn't fair! I know our situations are totally different and I don't want to downplay yours at all but I will get the taste of being a single mom when Chad leaves and your post today really helped me. I wrote a blog entry about him leaving and I was trying to find the verse I wanted and it ended up being the one you used today. I'm pretty sure it was already in my brain because of your post! If you ever need an ear or a shoulder, I'm here! Love you!

1:06 PM  
Blogger martie said...

First, thanks for stopping at "The Covering" and thanks for your kind words on my post regarding giving in and giving up. You know, sometimes when I look back at those years, I wonder how I ever did it....and then I remember, I did it only with God's help!

That was many years ago, my husband passed away in 1975, and my children have all grown and now have families of their own. All three of them and I are still very close. I remarried almost 17 years ago now, and acquired 2 more children from my husband's previous marriage. Those 2 and I are very close also, and close with each other! It wasn't easy blending a family but we stuck with it out of love for each other and made it work.

You're right, LIFE ISN'T FAIR, but God never said it would be....He just said He would not leave us alone.....and He never has!

9:46 PM  
Blogger Katherine said...

Hey girl-there is no way I could do justice to what Jeff and the others said. Will you send me your address? You can e-mail me through my blog, I believe.

Words are incredibly powerful and they have a hold on us like nothing else. You believe what you are saying or you would not be saying it-the words are flowing out of your heart, and God is giving you the faith to believe in His control. That is awesome!! :)

Oh by the way, I did not pass out-I even gave my first sermon a few weeks ago (albeit not in a church!) ;)

Hang in there and I look forward to hearing from you. Blessings~

11:29 PM  
Blogger jen said...

Preach the Word, Sister! If you were speaking at Trinity, I'd come!

10:01 AM  

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