How about some Honesty...

Today has been a good day. I managed to go to Wal-mart and the mall with all three by myself. And I'm not feeling so crazy either...so I would say that was an accomplishment.

We went to the play area and there was this little girl there. Madi said that the little girl kicked her in the throat. I didn't know if I should believe her, but then I saw the little girl body slam a 3 year old little boy, and I thought Madi was probably right then. I saw who she belonged to, as it was obvious that what I think was her mother (she looked young enough to be a sister) didn't seem to care. But she had 5 other kids with her, so how would she really even notice? She had a wedding ring on, which I know doesn't mean a whole lot, but I guess it made it more possible in my mind that those children belonged to her. As we were leaving the mall we walked outside and there was the mall rats dressed in their goth clothing. (Y'all know what I'm talking about) They were teenagers, but one of the girls that was with them looked to be about 10 or 11...dressed in a mini skirt and halter top.

It got me to thinking about the importance of parenting with purpose. I know I fail in this category sometimes. I've really been trying hard lately to be a really good parent. It can be hard for me sometimes, because I feel that I have so much to do and so much responsibility. I get particularly frustrated when the actions (or lack there of) of Nathan hurt my kids and therefore make it harder on me as a parent.

As Dr. Phil says, "when you know better, you do better." I agree completely and I think there are just some parents out there who don't know any better. I don't think it's an excuse at all, but they've been living in a cycle so long that they end up teaching their kids those bad behaviors as well. I on the other hand, know better. I was raised right and I know without a doubt what is okay, and what is not okay and I want my children to know that too. Then you also have the parent who knows better, but just doesn't give a crap. That's equally annoying and down right selfish!!!

I feel as a single mom I walk a fine line. I try really hard and do the things that I know they need and try to keep them away from the things that I know aren't good. It's still hard though, because there isn't the influence of the father, that I know is sooooo important. And right now, I have no control over that. When Nathan does come into their life, it makes it harder on me and them. In particular this week as he pulled a WONDERFUL stunt and is now on his way out of town to move to Austin. In many ways, I say good riddance, don't come back ever!

I am not a feminist in any way shape or form. I do believe that the man has such an important role and I have the highest respect for good fathers and husbands. That is absolutely priceless. I wish more women truly respected and honored their husbands. (Vice versa of course, but that's another blog) I'm not bitter or cynical about men, I'm just so sick of the selfishness that people in general have. I mean come on...think of someone else besides yourself for a change!!! Who made you god???

Today Madi was upset and we talked about her daddy moving to Austin. She thinks he hates her and doesn't want to be around her anymore and he loves Gina now and not her. Of course that makes me mad, because I am angry that my 6 year old daughter feels this way and I can't say anything to convince her otherwise. Kyle is soooo protective of her. He doesn't understand her tears, but he knows that his big sister is hurt. He told Madi that he was going to go kill Nathan. (He gets called Nathan more by Kyle than he does daddy) And Kyle said, "he doesn't love us." I told him that he does, and he said, "yeah, but he doesn't like us." I didn't even know what to say. My honest answer would be, you're right, he doesn't like us. If he had liked us, he wouldn't have been so selfish in the first place. He liked himself more. AND THAT is the bottom line...HE LIKED HIMSELF MORE.

That is the problem with this world and it will never get fixed until people move themselves out of the way and stop being so selfish. It is not about me, me, me...and it never should be.

A lot of times I play the "in 5 years, or 10 years" game...whatever I'm feeling at the time. When I'm 38, I will have children ages 14, 12, and 9. In many respects my life will be so much easier. (I guess that depends on what kind of teenager Miss Madi is...help us all!!!) So many times now, I literally have to take it one day at a time because there is just so much to be done in a days work, fights to settle, bottles to make and diapers to change. I do occasionally feel captive if you will to what I deal with, but this really is only for a period of time. It all changes so fast. I look at my mom and see at the age of 56, she has lived many different lifetimes. She was a child, a young married, young mother, preachers wife, empty nest, and in three years she will retire. That's a lot of life, and not one of those phases ever lasted forever. She now looks back and sees all of those times, and they seem so long ago. And I'm sure at the time she was going through those phases she probably thought they would last forever, but look at it now!

I truly, truly have to remember that, I think we all do. Life is short. Yes, this is my life right now, but the diapers and bottles will be gone soon enough and my job as a mom is to the best I can. I fail and I will fail, but God's grace will take care of the rest. He put those three children in my life for a reason. I don't know that reason and sometimes I sure question if I'm capable to do the job, but if I wasn't He wouldn't have given them to me in the first place. And MAYBE, it's not about me. MAYBE, it's not about me finding my purpose , or a man, or whatever...MAYBE it's just all about me needing to be a good mom for those kids and raising them right. MAYBE someday I will be blessed with the other and maybe I just don't need to worry about that right now.

Just my thoughts...

Busy times...

I almost went a whole week without posting. I'm a little surprised at myself! It's been a really busy week. I went to Abilene on Wednesday and that was fun. I just enjoyed getting away. And the highlight was lunch with Sheila. I've been liking the frequent visits with her!

Today has been equally as busy. I've had about 10 big things I've had to get done today. My babysitter got sick and had to cancel, so SuzAnne had the pleasure of watching 5 children today. One being a month old!

Tomorrow ECI is coming for a home visit for Mason. When we were at his one year check up she referred him, because he doesn't have the desire to feed himself. Most babies at this age put things in their mouth...food along with small objects. He won't. I'm still having to feed him baby food and he has absolutely no interest with anything that isn't pureed to smithereens. I try to put little puffs or bananas in his mouth and he looks at me and shakes his head, "no". He also doesn't want to drink out of a cup. His pedi doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, but ECI is going to try to help me with some tips on trying to get him to transition. He is a late bloomer, no doubt. He just started crawling a month ago, and he's not pulling up yet. Kyle was the same way. Kyle didn't start walking well until 15 months. I think he's just a boy and when he decides that he wants to do it, he will.

Other than that, things are good. Today was the last day of school. I know the summer will fly by and before we know it, we will all be looking at the fall of the year! And then Christmas, yeah!!!! My favorite!!!!!

I've been doing a lot better. Things are just starting to fall into place a little better for me personally, and I'm feeling a lot of relief in certain areas of my life. Here before long, I'll have some really important things figured out, and I'm thankful for that! God has a plan!

Sorry this isn't very exciting...haven't been real bloggity lately. Soon enough though...I'll be back.

Mason's 1 year check up...and other things

I took Mason on Wednesday for his one year check up. He's in the 95th percentile for height and 25th percentile for his weight. He's doing great. We got all the wonderful one year shots as well. He's a champ though, so it's never been bad for us.

As far as I'm concerned...maybe I should clarify on the whole school being out thing. I don't mind school being out, but when school is out, I don't have daycare. So I'm home all day with all three...hence the Xanax. I'm not fit to be a 24/7 stay at home mom. But soon enough they will be in some sort of program for the summer. I've just to get all the details worked out.

I think I'm turning the corner here...what corner you may ask? Sorry if I've been rather cryptic lately in my posting. I haven't been completely forthcoming about everything to all of you who don't me. But soon enough I'll share.

Looks like I'm heading back to Abilene on Wednesday, I'll be back in the same day. I'll go down there that morning and come back just after lunch. It will be fun to get away again, even if it is only for a little bit.

I hope y'all have a good weekend and a Happy Memorial Day!

Super Kids

Today was the last day of Super Kids for the boys. It was rather bittersweet for me. They have both grown so much since September. Of course you see it in Mason the most. I got their scrapbooks that they made and, boy those teachers out do themselves! They were amazing, and they make me tear up to see all the neat things my little boys did this year.

I have to say that South Plains/Super Kids was an amazing place for my kids this year. When I was looking for a mom's day out, I wanted them at Monterey. They were full, so I knew Chrissy sent her kids to Super Kids. South Plains is also right by my office, so it ended up being a better choice. But more than that, they truly ministered to me this year in more ways than one. I can't say enough about the program, church, teachers or Wendy K. (the director) They were all amazing. And you know that they love your kids when the teachers are tearing up seeing your kids go.

So now, just one week left of public school. I think I'm going to start taking Xanax now before the great depression sets in. Lord, help me...seriously. I'm just trying not to think about it in the span of, "oh my goodness my kids are out of school for HOW long???" I know teachers need a break, a well deserved on in fact, but...well, that's all I can really say about that. We'll be alright though...we'll do some fun things, and we'll get through it, just as we have everything else.

Happy Birthday Mason

I will post pics later, but I had to say Happy Birthday to my little man. Y'all this year, although difficult at times, has flown by soooo fast. I just can't believe that he isn't a baby anymore and is growing into a little toddler. I can't believe I don't have babies anymore! It's not just a celebration of him turning a year old but a celebration of the last year that we've made it through as a family and me as a person. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! (That's me yelling in case you didn't know) Mile 1 down of a about 1,000.

For those of you who know Mason, you know how truly AWESOME he is. He is just amazing, and so sweet spirited, and I'm am soooo blessed to have such a sweet little boy. Great things are in store for him, I just know it!

On another note, Abilene was awesome! It was just perfect to be with my best buds. We didn't do anything extravagant, but that's the greatest thing about friends. You don't have to...you can just hang out and talk and it makes it perfect.

I came back still having to deal with a lot, but with a resolve to face it all head on. I've made some decisions about my life, and have made set some pretty big goals for myself. I really just want to do and be where God wants me. God has a plan, no doubt. I'm ready to see where His path leads me...wherever that may be.

Blessings

God truly gives us what we need when we need it. I've had a hard week...more like a hard month. And so much of it is re-direction that God is doing in my life and it's just been hard. Tonight I got to eat dinner with SuzAnne, Lisa and Jennifer and all our kids. It was so good for me to get out and have a play date. Tomorrow I'm going to a Bar-B-Q at my friend's Eric and Roxanne's house. Then we will go to Tahoka, because my mom and Madi have a piano recital. My mom will be playing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and Madi will be singing. It's going to be so cute. I knew all of that already, but then my mom called me tonight and told me to call Sheila and see if I could come to Abilene on Sunday night to get away. I immediately jumped at the chance. In an effort to surprise me, Sheila called Jenny to see if she could come from Dallas. I know this because, I had actually texted Jenny while she was on the phone with Sheila. So while it won't be a surprise, I will get to spend time with them both!!! And I just got off the phone with Jenny and she said she's going to do my hair for me while we're there together. Then, my babysitter, Ashley called me and asked is she could come pick up the kids tomorrow morning to take them to the park, because it had been a while since she had seen them. And no, she's not asking me to pay her. She does things like this for me, just because she's so nice and because she likes my kids.

Y'all I can't tell you how bad I need this right now. I will get through this...I won't give up. Life has sucked lately, but I will keep saying it, God is good. He does bless us and He does love us. What we feel and experience in life that hurts so much has purpose. I don't know the purpose and I'm not able to look back yet, with what I'm currently going through and able to see His plan, but I have the faith to know He has a plan. I hope y'all all have a great weekend...I know I will!

Kindergarten Awards

Mason...he will be one year old on Tuesday!!!

Me and Kyle
Madi received an award for being an excellent reader!
Madi and Mrs. Wheeler, who has been a big blessing to us this year!

It's been so long since I posted pics, I almost forgot how! Madi had her awards ceremony today. I can't believe my little girl is almost finished with her first year in public school. Next thing you know it will be high school graduation!!!

Helpful Hope for Broken Dreams by Charles R. Swindoll

Okay, so pretty much everything Charles R. Swindoll writes, I like. Here's one for today that speaks to me and where I'm at. No, I'm not old, but I do have some broken dreams and as I look forward with confusion at times for what God wants for my life, I am given hope. Now it's just my job to live my life with obedience and faith to understand that although he re-directs many things in my life it is for good reason. I hope y'all have a good weekend.

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Read 2 Samuel 7:18--29; 1 Chronicles 22:1--6

What a father! He may have been weak at other times, but at this moment, David stands tall.

"Lord, I know You don't want me to fulfill the dream, but, Lord, I'm going to set apart as much as I can to support my son as he fulfills the dream that was on my heart." What an unselfish response.


I see two simple truths in all this. First, when God says no, it means He has a better way, and He expects me to support it.


Second, my very best reaction is cooperation and humility. He doesn't call everybody to build the temple, but He does call everyone to be faithful and obedient. Some of you who are reading this are living with broken dreams. Sometime in the past you had high hopes that your life would go in a certain direction. But the Lord, for some mysterious reason, has now said, "No." And you've moved along in life and now you're up in years, and you find yourself slowly becoming shelved, and the younger ones are taking charge and moving on. How quickly age takes over!

Just about the time we get our act together, we're too old to pull it off. And so we release it to the Solomon in our lives. It takes genuine humility to say to that person, "May God be with you. I'll do everything I can to support you in seeing that it gets accomplished."


Do you identify with David? Did you have your hands full of your dreams and your visions, ready to present them to God on the altar of sacrifice? Did you have your plans all prepared and thought through, only to see them crumble at your feet? And now you're standing there, empty-handed?

Know this: God is ready to fill your empty hands like you would never believe, if you will only lift them up to Him in obedience and praise, as David did. God is still alive and well, and He knows what He's doing. To some He says yes. To others, no. In either case, the answer is best. Why?

Because God's answers, while surprising, are never wrong.

Wanted to share...

WHEN GOD SAYS “NO”by Charles R. Swindoll

Read 2 Samuel 7:4--17

"David, you will know the delight of having a son by whom this temple will be built. Not through your efforts, but through your son the dream will be fulfilled."
It is not a question of sin here. It is not God's judgment that is coming upon David as a consequence of wrong. It is simply God's redirecting David's plan and saying, "This is a great resolve, but I say 'no' to you and I say 'yes' to your son. Now accept that."

Well, was David wrong to begin with---wrong in thinking of building the temple?
It is not a question of being wrong. It's a question of accepting God's "no" and living with the mystery of His will. We people on this earth package everything. And we expect God to package His plan for us just like we would. We want the logic that we use to be His logic. And when it isn't, we wonder what's wrong because it's not working out like we would have worked it out.
When God says no it is not necessarily discipline or rejection. It may simply be re-direction. You have pursued His will; you have wanted to do His will. With all good intentions you said, "By God's grace I am going to pursue this." And here you are, thirty or forty years later, or maybe only five years later, and it hasn't materialized.

Now if you listen to some people, you'll be put on a guilt trip. "You see there," they say, "you set your heart on God, but you have run from Him. You're out of His will." I don't know how many couples I have talked with who, early in their lives, had their life's plan all mapped out, but it didn't transpire. Perhaps the very road they are traveling is God's will for them, and it took His saying "no" to get them on that right road. Others were of little help.

The thing we have to do in our walk with God is to listen carefully from day to day. Not just go back to some decision and say, "That's it forever, regardless." We need to look at it each day, keep it fresh, keep the fire hot, keep it on the back burner, saying, "Lord, is this Your arrangement? Is this Your plan? If it is not, make me sensitive to it. Maybe You're redirecting my life."

Happy Mother's Day

We had a really nice Mother's Day. The kids, thanks to SuzAnne, got me flowers. And of course I got all the beautiful things they made for me at school. We were able to spend time with my grandparents and extended family as well. We made it home just in time for Mason to get sick. So far I've only been puked on once. Yes, I am a mother in the true sense of the word today.

This year is a little different for me than last. I can't even remember how I was feeling last year. I don't know if I was sad or not. I'm not really sad this year, just feeling a lot of pressure to be a mom and provide and all that goes along with that. Last year if I remember right, the only thing I was focused on was knowing in over a month, which ended up being less than two weeks, I was going to be having a baby. I was very focused on that June 6th delivery date. Who knew 9 days later little man would be here. He has been such a joy...they all have been to me. They have been great today. I've been trying extra hard today to soak in the hugs and kisses. I don't want to look back when I'm 70 and be upset with myself that I ever "wished" this time away. They're be grown and gone before I know it!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mom's out there!

6 months

My mind works in 6 month increments. It used to work in monthly increments. Before that it was weekly and daily. I think that helps me to see how far I've come and hopefully shows me that it does get better in a pretty short amount of time. Looking back now, I'm totally and completely amazed. Not only do I look back, but I most definitely look forward. I always look into the next 6 months. I wonder what I'll be doing and wonder how much the kids will have changed. Because of all of this, I see my kids changing so much in even a short span of 6 months. They mature and grow so quickly. I really can't believe that when this all began Madi was 4 1/2 and Kyle was 2 1/2. And now my little man will be celebrating his 1st birthday in less than two weeks!!!

This has been a challenging week for me. What I was praying for didn't happen. I was pretty bummed, but in my heart of hearts I know it wasn't for me. If it would have been, I would have gotten it. It's taken me a whole lot of praying and talking to myself to realize that what I want isn't always what God wants. God will give me what I need and not what I want. And what I need will ultimately be better in the long run anyways.

I love being able to look back at situations and see where my unanswered prayers were actually all in God's hands, and how He uses those times to ultimately bring about something completely different and unexpected in my life and amazes me with it. Isn't that the best???

I'll be honest, I've been really impatient. To the point where I'm talking to God several times a day and saying, "Uhhh God, you do see this, right? You do understand the importance of this, right? Okay, just making sure."

I'll be really honest about something else too, and this one is a little harder for me to admit. I've been kind of angry, because somewhere along the line I got the idea that because I do have my challenges at times, God owed me. He needed to give me what I wanted because of the situation before me. I feel horrible for feeling that way, and have been completely humbled this week. And yet, He forgives me and just wants me to continue to trust Him. He DOES see what is before me, and He DOES know how I feel. He just needs me to trust Him, that He is in control and ultimately has my best interest in mind.

I have a picture of me and the kids on my fridge from Halloween. I like the picture. I look at it often and I look at myself. I see in myself a girl who was sooo tired. But yet I see a girl who had a spirit of great perseverance about her. She had come through so much in a short amount of time, but knew she still had a long ways to go. I don't look at that time with envy though and I bet 6 months from now, I won't look at this time with envy either. Just another period of growth. So while this time does still have it's challenges, it is important for me to look at these challenges and appreciate them for what they are...growth. And most importantly to trust God that He does understand it all and knows what the next 6 months will bring.

Life...

Life is good. Mmmm...life for me right now has a lot of unknowns. I can't say that I really like the feeling of not knowing what is really going on, or what is going to happen. Who am I kidding, I don't like it at all. However, over the last couple of weeks I have learned very well to just let life unfold as it should. And I mean that in all areas...jobs, kids, dating, etc.

It's going to unfold regardless of what I do or by the kind of attitude I choose to have about all that is circling around me, but I guess I just have come to the conclusion that God is God, and He's the only one who's going to have the final say anyways. I can choose to have the faith I should that what He ultimately brings about in my life will be for the best, or I can choose to be upset when things don't go the way I would like them to. And it truly is a choice. So, I've just been really trying to wrap my heart, mind and will around that. I don't pray that my will is His will, but just the opposite. And that I may have complete peace in that. Not only peace, but excitement for that! Has God ever done something small? No! We may see it that way, but we would, because we can't understand it all. But He's God, and THAT is really all that matters.

Not Much to Say!

This has been a busy week! My trip went good. We got there by noon and we were back in Lubbock by 8 that night. So we literally touched down, had a meeting and came home. Greater Home Land is also in Dallas and San Antonio and that is the reason I was there. I met my broker and the entire crew. We also met about a big auction that a builder is having in June. He is getting rid of 180 homes in the DFW and SA areas in about a 2 week span. Our mortgage company is the only lender that will be there to get everyone pre-approved. If you live in the area you will probably see bill boards and commercials all through May for it. It's a pretty big deal. There are I think about 8 of us that are licensed loan officers to do all of that. So one weekend in June I will be in Dallas and one weekend I will be in San Antonio. I will probably spend a few days in Dallas in between helping their processor, because there is no way she could do it all herself, and I'm the only other one of us who has processing experience. So June is liable to be kind of insane! But if everything goes good it could be a really good financial opportunity for me as well. I sure hope so anyways!

Sydney came home today. I got to see and hold her today. She is a cutie and that girl has got some fingers and toes on her! I have no idea where they came from. It's kind of crazy. Maybe Suz will post a picture of those things!

Everything else is going good...I've kind of been brain dead lately. Nothing really inspirational or insightful to say. Sorry if this is boring...just haven't been real bloggity!