Friday, May 30, 2008

How about some Honesty...

Today has been a good day. I managed to go to Wal-mart and the mall with all three by myself. And I'm not feeling so crazy I would say that was an accomplishment.

We went to the play area and there was this little girl there. Madi said that the little girl kicked her in the throat. I didn't know if I should believe her, but then I saw the little girl body slam a 3 year old little boy, and I thought Madi was probably right then. I saw who she belonged to, as it was obvious that what I think was her mother (she looked young enough to be a sister) didn't seem to care. But she had 5 other kids with her, so how would she really even notice? She had a wedding ring on, which I know doesn't mean a whole lot, but I guess it made it more possible in my mind that those children belonged to her. As we were leaving the mall we walked outside and there was the mall rats dressed in their goth clothing. (Y'all know what I'm talking about) They were teenagers, but one of the girls that was with them looked to be about 10 or 11...dressed in a mini skirt and halter top.

It got me to thinking about the importance of parenting with purpose. I know I fail in this category sometimes. I've really been trying hard lately to be a really good parent. It can be hard for me sometimes, because I feel that I have so much to do and so much responsibility. I get particularly frustrated when the actions (or lack there of) of Nathan hurt my kids and therefore make it harder on me as a parent.

As Dr. Phil says, "when you know better, you do better." I agree completely and I think there are just some parents out there who don't know any better. I don't think it's an excuse at all, but they've been living in a cycle so long that they end up teaching their kids those bad behaviors as well. I on the other hand, know better. I was raised right and I know without a doubt what is okay, and what is not okay and I want my children to know that too. Then you also have the parent who knows better, but just doesn't give a crap. That's equally annoying and down right selfish!!!

I feel as a single mom I walk a fine line. I try really hard and do the things that I know they need and try to keep them away from the things that I know aren't good. It's still hard though, because there isn't the influence of the father, that I know is sooooo important. And right now, I have no control over that. When Nathan does come into their life, it makes it harder on me and them. In particular this week as he pulled a WONDERFUL stunt and is now on his way out of town to move to Austin. In many ways, I say good riddance, don't come back ever!

I am not a feminist in any way shape or form. I do believe that the man has such an important role and I have the highest respect for good fathers and husbands. That is absolutely priceless. I wish more women truly respected and honored their husbands. (Vice versa of course, but that's another blog) I'm not bitter or cynical about men, I'm just so sick of the selfishness that people in general have. I mean come on...think of someone else besides yourself for a change!!! Who made you god???

Today Madi was upset and we talked about her daddy moving to Austin. She thinks he hates her and doesn't want to be around her anymore and he loves Gina now and not her. Of course that makes me mad, because I am angry that my 6 year old daughter feels this way and I can't say anything to convince her otherwise. Kyle is soooo protective of her. He doesn't understand her tears, but he knows that his big sister is hurt. He told Madi that he was going to go kill Nathan. (He gets called Nathan more by Kyle than he does daddy) And Kyle said, "he doesn't love us." I told him that he does, and he said, "yeah, but he doesn't like us." I didn't even know what to say. My honest answer would be, you're right, he doesn't like us. If he had liked us, he wouldn't have been so selfish in the first place. He liked himself more. AND THAT is the bottom line...HE LIKED HIMSELF MORE.

That is the problem with this world and it will never get fixed until people move themselves out of the way and stop being so selfish. It is not about me, me, me...and it never should be.

A lot of times I play the "in 5 years, or 10 years" game...whatever I'm feeling at the time. When I'm 38, I will have children ages 14, 12, and 9. In many respects my life will be so much easier. (I guess that depends on what kind of teenager Miss Madi us all!!!) So many times now, I literally have to take it one day at a time because there is just so much to be done in a days work, fights to settle, bottles to make and diapers to change. I do occasionally feel captive if you will to what I deal with, but this really is only for a period of time. It all changes so fast. I look at my mom and see at the age of 56, she has lived many different lifetimes. She was a child, a young married, young mother, preachers wife, empty nest, and in three years she will retire. That's a lot of life, and not one of those phases ever lasted forever. She now looks back and sees all of those times, and they seem so long ago. And I'm sure at the time she was going through those phases she probably thought they would last forever, but look at it now!

I truly, truly have to remember that, I think we all do. Life is short. Yes, this is my life right now, but the diapers and bottles will be gone soon enough and my job as a mom is to the best I can. I fail and I will fail, but God's grace will take care of the rest. He put those three children in my life for a reason. I don't know that reason and sometimes I sure question if I'm capable to do the job, but if I wasn't He wouldn't have given them to me in the first place. And MAYBE, it's not about me. MAYBE, it's not about me finding my purpose , or a man, or whatever...MAYBE it's just all about me needing to be a good mom for those kids and raising them right. MAYBE someday I will be blessed with the other and maybe I just don't need to worry about that right now.

Just my thoughts...


Blogger Chrissy Cross said...

I think that you are a great mom and someday you will reap the benefits of that, your kids may be 25, but they will appreciate your hard work and determination. I think you are so right on the money. Why else would God have given you those three unique and special children if not for molding them for some great purpose. He chose you to be their mom, not anybody else in the whole world, because He knew you were perfect for the job. That doesn't mean that you won't want to run and hide sometimes (look at Moses), but just have the confidence that since He picked you for this purpose you have the skills to do it the best that you can. You are such an inspiration to me, I needed to hear your words today!!

7:35 PM  
Blogger Darla said...

Your children are so blessed that they have a mother like you. I will keep praying that your load as a mother doesn't feel so full all the time. God Bless you!

10:59 PM  
Blogger Cheri said...

My heart aches for you and your kids. I know you have learned how to deal with it all, but you are an adult and a 6 yr old doesn't understand those "adult" things, and shouldn't have to.
You are a wonderful mom. I don't know how you do it all. But you do, and you are successful at it.
And yes, we need to do lunch. Maybe we can do it at my house again - but first I have to find my house!!!!

12:08 AM  
Anonymous Kathy Slattengren said...

Being a single parent with three young children must be exhausting. The good news is that the time you spend teaching your kids to be responsible and respectful will definitely pay off when they're teenagers. I wish you all the best.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Katherine said...

You are such an amazing example to be raising 3 great kids alone-pressing on despite your circumstances, and picking up the pieces when he has dropped them. You have a ton of courage and grit to continue to mold and help those kids grow in the image of God, and raise them the way you know they should be raised. I admire you for all you do and for who you are!! They are blessed to have you as their mother :)

3:30 PM  

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