Remembrance

I am going to attempt to write this. Why is it that AS SOON as I sit down to write, and do some writing that will take me a little thought, SOMEONE insists on sitting in my lap. Why do they always need something AS SOON as I sit down? This also happens while I'm in the shower. I don't even tell them anymore that I'm going to get in the shower, because somehow to them that means, "hey let's act like zoo animals!"

Anyways, well the funeral is over. I am so glad. It seems there is alwasy so much build up to an event like that. I have learned so much about what all you have to do when a loved one passes away. There are so many things I never thought about. And can you imagine having to do all of this for someone you really didn't like very much? I felt honored to be able to help and have input, but even then there was just so much to do. I was so tired last night, I thought I was going to pass out. But we all slept good, and it's a new day!

I had a very odd weekend. I never realized how my mema's life and death would impact my life so much. And impact my present situation so much. I do miss her very much. It's wierd to think that she is gone. I think as a grandchild, you always think your grandparents will live forever. Somehow they should be immortal or something! So it's kind of wierd realizing that she is gone. I'm kind of sad that on Tuesday and Thursdays that I can't go sit with her anymore. Many of those days I would drop the kids off at school and then head to Slaton. A lot of those times she would just be sleeping, but it would just be so comforting to me to sit there. She took care of me so much when I was little, and it was the least I could do for her.

I had really dealt with her death. We were all really becoming weary of seeing her struggle to breathe and were wanting her to pass on. She was hanging on and we didn't understand why. A human body, especially one that is so worn out, can only hold on for so long. And she was fighting! I sat with her on thursday, and really thought that would be it.

Friday evening I went to eat dinner with my mom and sister. We're were talking about everything and the overwhelming feeling came over me that I had to go see her again. I was supposed to go to the Zoe conference that night. I was really torn on what to do. I knew that I had to tell Mema what happened with Nathan and I. No one ever told her, because we knew it would just worry her and upset her. Back in December she was mentally and physically with it and would have understood, but still we didn't see the need. Well I knew I had to go tell her. I felt that if I was in any way responsible for the reason why she was haning on, then I had to do my part.

A lot of you don't know my Mema, but she was a caretaker in every sense of the word. She was a mother to 4 boys, who didn't have a very good fatherly influence. She is the reason why those 4 boys turned out so well. My Papa was an alcoholic, and a mean one at that. (Are there any nice ones?) I had always entrusted my Mema with lots of personal things. Even through college I would always come visit her in Post, and there really weren't many secrets!

So while I was at the Zoe conference the feeling kept getting stronger and stronger. The theme was "Closer" and they were talking about being closer to God. And for me that is the journey I have been on for a couple of months now. Wanting to be closer to God...what do I do? How do I get there? Well I knew that if anyone was closest to God right now my Mema was. So I decided when Zoe was over that I was going to Slaton to see her. I called my Mom and told her I was going to come out there, and I was just going to spend the night.

I went out to the care center and 2 ladies from church were there with her. We had lots of people volunteer to sit with her when we couldn't. I asked the ladies if I could be alone with her. I sat with her and just started crying. She was asleep and barely breathing. I told her what had happened with Nathan. And I told her how difficult it had been, but that I was okay and the kids were okay. We were all strong because of God, and I had the genes of a very strong lady. I told her I loved her and that she needed to go be with God. I patted her arm and rubbed her head and said goodbye. I knew I would never see her again.

I went to my parents house, talked to them for a while, and then went to bed. At 11:45 hospice called and she was gone. If I had stayed at the care center any longer I would have seen her pass away. That's how close she was. I don't know if she was hanging on to hear me say that. For the longest time I would hear my dad say, "mom we're all okay. My family is okay. It's okay for you to go now." And still she laid in that bed. I don't think God makes coincidences, but who really knows! I know that God did so much for me through that moment. He redeemed me, and gave me so much peace.

We came to the care center when hospice called to be there when the funeral home came and got her, and she was so peaceful!!!! We all felt like we could breathe a sigh of relief because she had gone home! The leg that ended up taking her, she could now walk and run on. And we just all know she is having the time of her life. And that's the way it should be!!! I do miss her, but I am just so happy that she is not hurting anymore, and I can't wait to see her again someday.

Oh and by the way, I managed to get through talking at the funeral just fine. I did get a little teary, but I was coherent the entire time! The service was beautiful. They played "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban at the end. It was so fitting for her. We took her back to Post for her final resting place. And that of course was so fitting too. I am so glad she is back there now. She lived there for so many years.

Thanks to you all for your love and prayers. She will always be remembered!