Sunday, January 07, 2007

I would like to say I had a nice weekend, but I can't say that completely. Although I am doing much, much better now. My doctor put me on some medicine to help me cope with all of this, and although it seemed to be helping me a lot, the side affects just started wearing me out physically. And I'm sure they were hightened because of all the pregnancy hormones I have in me right now. But I have just been zapped for days now, not to mention the extreme upset stomach it has given me, and headache. So I decided to not take it this morning, and I am feeling much, much better. I am going to try this on my own and see how I do. It's difficult enough to take care of myself emotionally, and then start having lots of physical problems to add to the mix. But I have gotten lots of energy back and my moral is improving, so hopefully getting off the meds are a good thing.

My aunt is in town so we all went and had beans and cornbread with my grandparents at the nursing home tonight. You can't get much more white trash than that. I am not sure if that is just a Strawn family thing or does anyone else eat that? That's like my granddad's favorite thing to eat. Those two things were pretty much staples of the Strawn family meals. I also found out that we have a cousin named Adolph. Hmmm...not much to say about that. Who names their kid Adolph? Did they forget about WWII?? I am pretty sure that their is something genetically wrong with my family, and we all agree, but none of us are sure what happened. It's kind of hard to explain, but we are just loones sometimes. I just answer to the name Carolyn. I don't even remind my mother anymore that I am Larissa. (Carolyn is her sister, and she always calls me that.) Suzanne is Nancy. (her other sister) But it was a lot of fun, and it was good for me to be around them.

I went and saw an attorney on Friday. That was a little overwhelming. I just had to think about a lot of things that I really wasn't ready for, but that is her job. Being pregnant complicates things. I can file for divorce, but it can't be finalized until after the baby is born. You know I can't believe this happening to me. I just can't. I've been dealing with a lot of anger lately. And I wouldn't be normal if I didn't. My mom says just don't do anything that would land me in jail. That's always a good rule of thumb to live by. I am not a vengeful person, but oh how I think it might make me feel better sometimes. I just feel my life is crazy right now, but it's got me to thinking so much about what is truly important in this life. I have read several of you posting about the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" and although I haven't seen the movie, I gather the gist of it by some of the things you have written. And it's made me think a lot about material things and what we consider to be important. I have heard someone and I can't remember who talk about things in life, and trying to decide what is urgent and what is important. And as I see my situation now, I know what is urgent. My kids are urgent. My well being is urgent. My new baby is urgent. But the material things I have are only important. I don't know how this is going to end up. I could lose everything material that I own. And that is something that I have to think about, even though it's not pleasant, I must face it. But there are some things in life that can not be taken away from me. That is the love I have for my children, my dignity, and my faith in God. Everything else is negotiable. And when I have that kind of mindframe it makes this bearable, because I know that with God all things are possible. I may have to start all over, but as long as I have those three things, we will be just fine.

Believe me, I get mad. I get plain pissed off. I generally don't blog during those times, because well I try to keep this at least PG rated, but I always end up back at the same exact place. Back in the arms of Christ, because it's the only place to be, and it's place that's calling me.

I still have a lot to learn. I need to learn to love myself more. I don't seem to have a problem loving others. In fact, sometimes I love them more than myself, which tends to hurt me. I think that is something that as a christian I have a hard time with. We are commanded to love and not be selfish, but there is a line in which we need to protect ourselves, and make some boundaries that others can not cross...and that is what I have to learn. I need to know that loving myself and protecting myself is okay, and must be done.

Suzanne said I need to go on Oprah. I told her that I need my happy ending first. And I may be naive, but I will have my happy ending. I do believe in love, and I do believe in the institution of marriage whole heartedly...I just got a bad apple. A really bad apple. I do not want to become a bra burning feminist either. (They drive me insane) I do believe that God has a plan for me and my children. That happy ending can come through lots of different things, and it doesn't always necesarily come through marriage. I first believe it comes in me getting right with me.

Well that is about it for now. I just had a lot on my mind and wanted to write. I hope you all have a good week!


Anonymous Jenn K said...

Your strength amazes me. Your faith encourages me. Wow, is all I can say.

On a side note, we eat beans and cornbread too. Your family is not whitetrash!

10:33 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Hey you have more strength,courage and love then you know you do. We Love ya.

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could tell you weren't feeling well yesterday. I'm sorry. But I hope being around family that loves you helped a little. By the way, you is our cousing Adolf? I guess I missed that conversation! Amanda

10:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought beans and cornbread was a New Mexico thing, you know "indians"
It is good comfort food too!!


11:24 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Well I think you hit the nail on the head when you said happiness does not come through marriage. I have been stirring a lot lately on the fact of being content in God and Him only. There was a time when I thought being a wife and mother were the ultimate and if I could only have that, then I would be truely happy. Of course we all know that you can't put your faith in people no matter who they are because they are only human and will always let you down and unintentionally alot of the time. I can imagine the many emotions you are going through right now and I am encouraged by the fact that you acknowledge things for what they are and are finding your faith in God. I don't get that right a lot of times even when I am not going through anything. Its a basic thing but I struggle. We all do.

BTW, now I am craving beans and corn bread with no way to fix it. Thanks a lot!

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I read the white trash comment, all I could think of was you holding up a "W" sign for white trash in the dorms. Those were fun times. You are amazing, Larissa. You are your three babies will be in my thoughts and prayers. I love you, girl.


7:07 PM  
Blogger CCross said...

White Trash Rules!! I don't remember very well, but when we lived in the dorm we weren't white trash at all, we wore the coolest clothes, drove the coolest cars, and smoked some darn cool cigarettes. Ahhh those were the days. If only I could go back and......okay I would do it all over again. Keep on remembering that you come from a strong family with a strong faith, you have been such an inspiration to me. If you can make it through this, I KNOW I can make it through the little struggles I deal with, there is no comparison. Remember to just take one day at a time, God will take care of the future, you do what you know is right.
And get as PO'd as you need to, vent a little, it is a righteous anger. The Bible says, "Be angry, but do not sin." So get as angry as you need to.

10:59 PM  
Anonymous Kim Sanders said...

You have always been amazingly strong and just amazing. You and your precious family are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need anything please do not hesitate to call. Kim

11:18 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

You are so right. You have to be okay with yourself and that is something that I have a REALLY hard time with. I've found that I am such a dependent person, and don't know who I would be without Brad.
I have a huge lesson on independence to learn as well. I hope you are doing better. We need to have a night out!

3:32 PM  

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