Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Broken...but fixable

I have really wondered how and when to post this. I considered giving up blogging all together, but I don't want to. I enjoy blogging, and it's done a lot for me. It's kind of like journaling for me. And I shouldn't have to give it up, but I find myself in a very difficult position.

There are things in life that happen that are not fair, that we can not explain and just don't make any sense. This is where I find my life right now. My life has taken a shocking turn for what I would say is the worse, but I also know that God is in control, so although I am experiencing the deepest pain I've ever known...I will be okay.

A week ago Nathan made the decision that he did not want to be a part of this family anymore. He has come to the conclusion that he does not believe in God, and that we would be better off if he left. He has told some people that this was mutual, and this is no way shape or form is mutual. He is abandoning us. He has promised complete financial security, and he wants to see the kids, but he has told me that he is not in love with me any more and does not want to be here.

Now as you can imagine I have been in complete and total shock. The holidays have been very difficult. I have so many mixed emotions ranging from complete depression, anger, sadness, and denial. The reality for me is that this is happening. This has happened. He is gone.

You probably all have lots of questions, and while I do have lots of answers, I still don't understand. Many of the answers that I do have don't make sense. Is he cheating on me? I really don't think so. Did you see this coming? Not in the slightest. Does he feel guilty? Doesn't seem to. Do the kids know? Yes, and they (mostly Madi) seem to be doing okay. In fact, she knows he's gone and living somewhere else, and doesn't even seem to care. That shows you how disconnected he's been for sometime.

I have a great support system. I feel the prayers of everyone around me working. My family has helped me so much. One of them, if not more comes over everyday. Do I have hope that he will get his personal issues (he's got a lot of them!) worked out and return? No, I just can't have false hope. I have to see this for what it is right now, and move one and take care of myself and my precious children. I have to take care of myself, and the baby I'm carrying.

This is so hard on so many levels and I have so many details to work out. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. And as I close I want to say, although this is the by far the worst pain of my life, I know that God is working. There have literally been minutes that I haven't felt that I can't get through. And God gets me through. He puts it on someone's heart to call and give a voice of cheer and encouragment. He speaks to my heart and calms me. He helps me sleep at night. And he uses my children to be beems of hope for me, through their sweet, sweet spirits. I so worry about them. I worry about what this will do to them, and how they will be affected. I worry about this baby. But through all my worry, I hear God say, "Do not worry." And I put it aside. I have so many questions, but thankfully my wonderul Lord has all the answers.

I have complete faith that God will use this situation to help others, and He will bless me and my children beyond our dreams. He's never let me down before, and I know that he will carry us through. I continue to ask for prayers. And on somedays, it's hard for me to want to pray for Nathan. But he needs lots of prayers too. Regardless of how this works out in the end for us, he is a hurting soul who needs a lot of healing.

Thanks to you all who have helped in the way you have. I am so blessed to have the friends and family I have.

I love you all...


Blogger Sara said...

Larissa, I am still praying for your family and still thinking about you very often. I know this has got to be so difficult. You have been so incredibly strong. Keep your spirit up and keep praying.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Larissa, I'm still praying as well and will not stop. I hate that you're enduring such a terrible burden, but I'm so encouraged by your outlook and the obvious strength you have. You are a wonderful example to your kids and I know they will carry that with them throughout their entire life.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

Larissa, I love you. You are such a great mom and a beautiful example to all of us as you don't shun your faith or question it, but stand more firmly in it. I am proud of your outlook and am definitely praying for you, Madi, Kyle, the new baby, and Nathan.

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Larissa, are so well grounded in your faith..trust it as I have seen you do before. Stay strong and remember the example you are to your children. They will gleen from your strength and expression of faith.
Watch closely for the wisdom of their "child like faith" it can sustain you when you least expect it. I love you"Sister"....Karen

12:19 PM  
Blogger April Carrasco said...

Larissa, I am so so sorry! You are in my hourly prayers and I mean that. What strength you are showing relying on God and being a good mom. You amaze me! I wish you peace and comfort in this storm. Love you ~ April

2:19 PM  
Blogger Neva said...

My heart is breaking---I am so sorry!!! I love you and always keep you in my prayers. I am now praying even more fervently. For you, the kids and my son.
Be strong, daughter, God will care for you.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Noel & Celeste said...

You are in my constant prayers and I love you very much. God, who raises the dead, can resurrect your hope and anything else you need. And God becomes a rewarder for those who seek Him. We love you so much. Please email me and let me know what I can do to help you.

Love, Celeste

4:31 PM  
Blogger Noel & Celeste said...

Larissa, I'm very, very sorry and sad for you and to read this post... however, I'm very encouraged by the way you've chosen to represent the events... and the way you're continually choosing to represent God through all this! It has, obviously, not deadened your faith, but is even working to strengthen it. What a testimony to all those others out there who are suffering and wondering "where" God is. You KNOW where He is still... He is on His throne, in heaven, loving and caring for you... hurting with you... longing for Nathan to return, not just to you, but to Him as well! He will not let you down. You can rest on the promises He gives you for just such times! He will work this for your good. He will provide all you need. He will continue to provide you with His Spirit and with life abundant! Things you can rest on far more than any person, or circumstance or anything else that is temporal. He is eternal! He is powerful! And the fact you're putting your faith in Him, NOW more than ever, is an encouragement and a testimony to that power!

Celeste and I are praying for you... and God is faithful!

4:39 PM  
Blogger Katherine said...

My heart hurts so much for you, Larissa-please know that I will continue to lift you, Madi, Kyle, your beautiful unborn baby, and Nathan into the throne room of our Father. He is the God of the possible, and I truly believe that He can restore and renew. Thank you for being a strong example of faith to all of us and to your kids-God is blessing you because of that. Love you and blessings~

5:57 PM  
Blogger Jenn K said...

You and your family are being covered in prayers. I pray that you are constantly feeling His presence. Love you!

8:41 PM  
Blogger John & Kisti said...

Sweet Larissa, may the God of all comfort hold you tightly in His arms at this time. What a great God to give us a community of Faith, in which we can share our burdens. He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us. Seek Him!
You are an amazing woman, with tremendous faith and courage! You are a great mom!
Know that we are holding your arms up in prayer when you do not have the strength to do so.
Much love and prayers,
ps if you get a chance, please send your mailing address to me @ kistib@gmail.com

10:57 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I tried to call you today. I am thinking of you and praying still. God is working in you and through you.......so obvious. I love you. Feel peace and comfort this very moment.

8:08 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Larissa, you are a rock! You have the most amazing heart, and you love so much bigger than most people. I cannot imagine how you feel, but I want you to know I'm thinking of you, and thanking God for you and your faith.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Dustin and Allyson Wall said...

Larissa - I had not gone to your blog in a long while and am just now reading this. I will be praying for you. May God continue to bring you comfort and peace!

2:34 PM  

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