Broken...but fixable

I have really wondered how and when to post this. I considered giving up blogging all together, but I don't want to. I enjoy blogging, and it's done a lot for me. It's kind of like journaling for me. And I shouldn't have to give it up, but I find myself in a very difficult position.

There are things in life that happen that are not fair, that we can not explain and just don't make any sense. This is where I find my life right now. My life has taken a shocking turn for what I would say is the worse, but I also know that God is in control, so although I am experiencing the deepest pain I've ever known...I will be okay.

A week ago Nathan made the decision that he did not want to be a part of this family anymore. He has come to the conclusion that he does not believe in God, and that we would be better off if he left. He has told some people that this was mutual, and this is no way shape or form is mutual. He is abandoning us. He has promised complete financial security, and he wants to see the kids, but he has told me that he is not in love with me any more and does not want to be here.

Now as you can imagine I have been in complete and total shock. The holidays have been very difficult. I have so many mixed emotions ranging from complete depression, anger, sadness, and denial. The reality for me is that this is happening. This has happened. He is gone.

You probably all have lots of questions, and while I do have lots of answers, I still don't understand. Many of the answers that I do have don't make sense. Is he cheating on me? I really don't think so. Did you see this coming? Not in the slightest. Does he feel guilty? Doesn't seem to. Do the kids know? Yes, and they (mostly Madi) seem to be doing okay. In fact, she knows he's gone and living somewhere else, and doesn't even seem to care. That shows you how disconnected he's been for sometime.

I have a great support system. I feel the prayers of everyone around me working. My family has helped me so much. One of them, if not more comes over everyday. Do I have hope that he will get his personal issues (he's got a lot of them!) worked out and return? No, I just can't have false hope. I have to see this for what it is right now, and move one and take care of myself and my precious children. I have to take care of myself, and the baby I'm carrying.

This is so hard on so many levels and I have so many details to work out. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. And as I close I want to say, although this is the by far the worst pain of my life, I know that God is working. There have literally been minutes that I haven't felt that I can't get through. And God gets me through. He puts it on someone's heart to call and give a voice of cheer and encouragment. He speaks to my heart and calms me. He helps me sleep at night. And he uses my children to be beems of hope for me, through their sweet, sweet spirits. I so worry about them. I worry about what this will do to them, and how they will be affected. I worry about this baby. But through all my worry, I hear God say, "Do not worry." And I put it aside. I have so many questions, but thankfully my wonderul Lord has all the answers.

I have complete faith that God will use this situation to help others, and He will bless me and my children beyond our dreams. He's never let me down before, and I know that he will carry us through. I continue to ask for prayers. And on somedays, it's hard for me to want to pray for Nathan. But he needs lots of prayers too. Regardless of how this works out in the end for us, he is a hurting soul who needs a lot of healing.

Thanks to you all who have helped in the way you have. I am so blessed to have the friends and family I have.

I love you all...