Thursday, July 10, 2008

My thoughts...

I really should not be blogging this late. It's past my 10p.m. bedtime. You know they say don't drink and dial, well being tired and blogging kind of do the same thing to me. But here I am...and we'll see how this goes.

I said life is good...it is good. But it's been hard. I guess there's just been a whole lot of life this week and I've kind of taken the "fake it til you make it approach". I always want to have the best attitude, and therefore try to be as positive as possible, but man...it's been challenging.

A friend warned me that when coming back from Emmaus that satan will do whatever he can to get you down. I didn't believe him. I kind of do now. There's not just one particular thing that's been hard, it's just been all of it combined.

I was talking to my mom tonight and I was telling her that I've just kind of had a pity party this week. I can see where satan just wants me throw in the towel and say, "yup, this is just too hard". And then I look to God. I've said before how there was a time in my life pre-divorce where I was just spiritually unsatisfied. I was really wanting to commit more and know God on a deeper level. And I let that be known to Him. Today at work I was thinking about that, and I literally said to myself, "I said baby showers, cooking for funerals, teaching class...not being a single mom". Did God give me a divorce? No. Divorce is man made. I still struggle with that though, especially this week. I know that the work that is done through a person by God is what gives Him the glory and makes the "story", but sometimes it's so incredibly hard for me not to say, "why me, God? I didn't ask for this". That's completely selfish and short sighted on my part, but it's where I'm at, and it's honest...brutally honest.

I've had several people tell me that I need to write a book. I have tried. I don't know how to start a book. I can write a blog, that's easy to me. I guess when I started writing blogs though, it was kind of difficult and then I just grew into it. I never really cared what people thought anyways. You can read what I write and like me or think I'm crazy for the stuff I say on here. Either way, it's still me. I think though I found a beginning for a book. I kept thinking before that I couldn't write a book, because I wanted to wait for my happy ending. And I've just decided that there isn't a happy ending on this earth. Sure there are great moments that make us laugh and smile and help us to enjoy this life, but the happy ending isn't here. It's when we leave this place. So, I'll never write the book if that's what I'm waiting for. I think I'm going to start that project...because you know, I don't have enough to do to fill my time. :p Goodnight...

7 Comments:

Blogger Lisa Renee said...

You know I am not a big reader but I will buy it and read this one for sure. You are SO right about the ending not being happy here on earth. I forget that sometimes. Sorry life has been rough lately, just said a prayer for you on that. Hope the weekend is what you need it to be. Miss yo face.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Chrissy Cross said...

Sometimes we stumble, even when we are stepping up. Every struggle, every difficult thing, every tiny little frustration is a step making you a stronger person and when you overcome those things, your children are one step closer to heaven. Your struggle can become the greatest inspiration for them. Keep up the good mothering!! I think every mom needs to be a little crazy sometimes.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Rosheeda said...

GREAT post, Rissa. GREAT POST!!! Can I just say again: GREAT POST.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

One of my teachers in hair school always said fake it til you make it and in some ways I think she's right. I just don't want to miss all the great things God gives me while I'm waiting to arrive wherever it is I want to be when I grow up.

6:47 PM  
Blogger Penless Thoughts said...

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time and discouraged. We ALL get there. Keep the faith, Larissa.
Susan

4:59 AM  
Blogger Katherine said...

You are definitely a great and honest writer-if you write a book, let us know because I will definitely want a copy! :)

God will continue to use you, your story, and your experiences for His glory. I know how hard it is to trust in Him sometimes-but He carries us even when we don't realize, recognize, or acknowledge it.

You are doing such a wonderful job with your kids, and I pray that God continues to give you the strength and courage you need to continue on. You are a blessing and inspiration to all of us reading-and I am sure you are to those precious kids, too!! :
)

12:53 PM  
Blogger Jenni at talking hairdryer said...

I know it's hard to sort it all out in your mind, but here's a reaction I had when I read your thoughts.

We know that God didn't give you divorce and single motherhood. But what if, during those pre-divorce prayers, he was preparing your heart for what he knew was coming? What if he put those stirrings in your heart to get you ready for what was to come? What if he was getting your heart ready to depend on him while you lived through this nightmare? What if he was preparing your heart so that when you hit rock bottom, you'd know to turn to him?

He was taking care of you even then. He was making it so that "His divine power had given you everything you need for life and godliness".

No, YOU can't be a single mom. But, by HIS divine grace and power, you have everything you need, you're equipped with the best, to survive what's being thrown at you. If you couldn't handle it, He wouldn't allow it to happen to you. That's the very essence of love. He makes you a beautiful example of motherhood to all moms, single or not.

2:23 PM  

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