Blessed

I'm having major writer's block...worse than I've ever had. I'm more of an impromptu writer. Hence all the ...'s and incomplete thoughts. I think part of it is that a blog could in no way encompass what this weekend truly was all about.

I do feel like a different person. I feel like my experience left me with something I will never forget. And once you understand that and talk to someone who has also been a part of Emmaus, they completely understand too. It's a very bonding experience.

From the beginning when I got there, I just saw God's hand in it all. I was kind of nervous when I got there. I literally knew nothing about what I was going to encounter over the next 3 days. I got to my room, and my roommate was a girl who also went to LCU. She was younger than me and I knew of her, but never really knew her. Her sister was also there and she was part of my group that you in particular grow close to. My roommate was recently divorced and a single mom. A lot of you know her...she was just a precious soul to be with.

My table group, also known as St. Sarah, was wonderful. We were all different ages, different personalities, different occupations, but it was a wonderful mix. Carolyn, if you're reading, your favorite periodontist in Lubbock was my table leader. She is a wonderful lady!!!

The entire weekend was just so God filled. I've never seen love like that. If I tried to explain what I did over the weekend it wouldn't make sense. It's an experience that when all put together it just blesses you, and I wouldn't want to ruin the experience for those of you that will be a part of the experience one day.

By mid day Friday, I was having a great time, but I was really wondering what my purpose in being there was. I thought that it would have really been more beneficial to me if I had been able to go during my divorce or something, because you know "I'm healed" now and all. (There's some sarcasm in there in case you didn't catch that.) Diane, our spiritual director prayed this prayer for us many times, "may this three days be for the one who needs it the most and also for the one who thinks she needs it the least." I think I was that girl who thought she probably needed the experience the least. Life is crazy sometimes, but you know I'm managing things well. I think sometimes I get into overdrive trying to "manage" and forget about other things that are important.

By Saturday morning it just hit me like a ton of bricks. My "aha" moment was me realizing that in the process of managing things I had put my walls up so high...so high that sometimes I don't even let God in. There are still very tender places in my heart that hurt. They're the places that I'm afraid to ever share again with anyone. And if I can't truly share those places with God, then I sure can't expect to share those places with a man again either. So...I'm working on that.

I also learned that I am BEAUTIFUL! There's kind of a joke behind that...it seemed as though there was an invisible sign around my neck that said tell me I'm beautiful. I don't know, maybe I needed to hear that. I guess more so, I need to believe it.

This weekend really just changed my perspective about everything. I had mixed emotions about leaving. I missed my kids so much and I wanted to see them, but I was afraid of leaving this safe place, because I didn't want to head back to the "real world"...I knew what was waiting for me. However, I came back with a new resolve and new attitude. I am so blessed...so blessed. And my life has great purpose. God has great things planned for me. And that's the thing, He has that plan for all of us.

I learned a thing or two about humankind this weekend too. Everything has purpose. Every...single...thing. Every relationship, friendship...none of it is coincidence. I have learned something from them all, and am better for it. And hopefully have added something to their lives as well.

By Sunday I had applied and reapplied mascara way too many times. It wasn't tears of sadness though, really of just joy. If you ever get the chance to go, do it. I promise you there will be someone who will sponsor you, and God will make the perfect time for you to go. I see now where my time there was to never be about me "healing" through my divorce, but about me moving on, moving out, and moving up. It left me with a great new confidence in myself, but more importantly with my God. He is truly amazing. I just can't say enough!

Emmaus is a very personal experience. Everyone walks away with something different. But we all have in common the fact that God loves us so much and shows us that everyday in so many ways.

Thank you so much to all of you who wrote me letters. I started balling when I found out I even had a bag of letters. They were all so touching. I will keep each of them forever and remember you and this time with such fond memories! I may post one later...one of my favorites was from Sheila. I loved what she said, but she's also so poetic. I JUST HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY EVER! I had some letters surprise me, and was just touched. Eric and Roxanne, you made me cry. After I saw y'all, I started crying. I didn't know y'all were going to be there. It means so much to me that y'all were there and that y'all are still my friends.

There were just blessings all weekend long that I won't ever forget. There are still blessings! I think one of the neat things is that they don't just send you on this and then leave you. They are a real community of people. All past members that are still involved in helping with the walks are part of the Emmaus community. They get together once a month for communion and they also have reunion groups that meet. I'm looking forward to being a part of that.

Like I said, I just can't say enough about it. Turns out I think the girl who thought she might have needed it the least, perhaps needed it the most.

If you're interested in learning more about it go to http://www.llanoemmaus.org/

Amazing is all I can say!!!