Thursday, October 18, 2007


Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in the mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. Ecclesiastes 11:5

I use this verse again, as it is something I am really drilling in my head right now. It is so hard to understand things sometimes. And I don't just say this just in dealing with the day in and day of my situation. I think we can all agree to that, right? It can be so easy to look around the world and see so much sadness. There are so many people that are sick, we have all lost loved ones...the list can go on forever about the sadness of this world. And I can't explain one bit of it. I once had a friend who was doubting God's existence, because what kind of loving God would allow death, disease, and destruction to happen. I didn't really know what to tell him. I mean, I don't know why any of these things happen, but I do believe whole heartedly that God is in control OF EVERYTHING. And my human heart can't and won't ever understand why He does the things he does. Or why he allows the things to happen that happen. But ya know I think that Job, David, Moses, name whoever you want from the Bible, I think that they went through the same things and they wondered to. Their hearts weren't any different from mine or yours. They had faith that God was in control, but we know that they all went through times of not understanding. Well I'm willing to bet that they understand everything perfectly now. And honestly by the time we all get to heaven, it probably won't even matter anymore. Who really knows? Heaven is yet another thing that my human mind has a very difficult time wrapping itself around. Sure it will be wonderful and perfect and I can't wait to be there, but after dealing with life on earth, it's so foreign to think of anything different. At the same time during trials it is so refreshing!!!

This has been a really long week. A week of pure exhaustion for me. Kyle has been sick, we've been to the doctor twice this week for him. And either Mason is getting sick, or he is just really excited for Christmas. His nose is lit up like Rudolph, but he doesn't have fever. Hmmm...I don't know about that one. If it continues to be that way through the morning, we will probably be going to the doctor tomorrow. I also had my first appointment today with Madi's school counselor. I was the one who made the appointment, but it was only after many "chats" with Madi's teacher. I personally am trying really hard to get over an ongoing cold/cough that I've had for over a month now. I don't say all this to complain. In the grand scheme of things, life is very good. There are just a few speed bumps in the road right now. And my life isn't different that any one else's. I mean, we all have our days and our issues.

I do mention all of this because I have found myself angry this week. And I don't have to say why. I'm sure it's pretty obvious. And I was just thinking how I don't understand all this, and how I just can't keep going on just surviving. I want to thrive!!! Oh how I'm ready for the day to look back and say, "man that was a really hard time in my life" and then be so thankful for my new season in life. I don't know when that time will come, and sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much. I mean, should it not just be enough to know that someday I will be in heaven and it will be different? Am I expecting too much from this broken world? The jury is still out on that for me.

I was talking to my mom today and she was telling me about the date that my mom and dad were going to go on tonight. I've never told this before but back in April my mom and dad almost called it quits after celebrating 36 years of marriage. I just couldn't even talk about it when it happened. They were just going through a really hard time and had been for some time. They started going to counseling and I am just so incredibly proud of the changes that they have both made as individuals and as a couple. My parents "date" now and they got to know each other all over again. It makes me so happy, because they are so happy. My dad also resigned from preaching in April too after 27 years of being in ministry. Their lives are completely different now, but in a very positive way.

So when my mom was telling me about this date, I found myself being so jealous. Not because I wanted to go on a date, but because I can see the absolute genuine happiness that they both have for each other, and for this happy season of life that they are in. But I am also reminded that they didn't get there overnight. They are where they are because they went through fire to get there. That is life!!!

There isn't a person in this world who hasn't had a bad day, or a bad season. And although they may not ever understand that time in their life, it served a purpose. And chances are not just a purpose for their life. I'm sure it had great effect on other people as well.

So today as I was driving to the doctor and I was overwhelmed, I found myself saying, "just do it...just get mad at God. You know you want to, because He has allowed all this to happen". Now I'm smarter than satan would like me to be, because I know he is the one who wants me to get mad at God. And honestly there are times when I do want answers, and I do want God to tell me now! Like a two year old, I want to lay on the floor and throw a fit. But seriously what good would that do anyways? Is God going to change his mind and "poof" my life is fixed. Probably not. However, I do know that it would give satan an extreme amount of satisfaction for me to just curse God.

As restless and tired as I may be, I have to keep going. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have to keep believing. I don't really see myself as the eternal optimist, but as being eternally hopeful and faithful. And to me there's a difference. Anyone can be positive, but not everyone can be faithful and hopeful. That is so much harder. And what will that do for me? Well I know for sure I will be in heaven someday. What will that do for me now? I don't really know. It will get me through this day for sure, but I don't know about the future. I really don't. I sure have some hopes and dreams for my kids and I, but honestly I have no clue. But I keep reading that scripture, and I keep reminding myself that I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THE ACTIVITY OF GOD, and because of that I need to keep doing what I am doing and persevere. And remember too, that He does make everything beautiful in it's time! (Ecclesiastes 3:11) And because of that, whether it be today, tomorrow or in eternity it does have purpose and it will be beautiful.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can identify with the seasons. The nice thing about them is that just when we feel like winter will never end spring is right around the corner. I like the idea of seasons, b/c they are not forever and that is a blessing.


8:52 PM  
Blogger Darla said...

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Not that I can even understand all the hurt and pain you must be feeling. But sometimes I have to tell myself this is not my world I'm just passing through. I know you have a great place in heaven waiting because you have faced many trails and came up on top each time. I am still praying for you.

9:49 PM  
Blogger Passionate & Purposed said...

I've read your blog for a while.I have yet to comment, because where you are - from a wife perspective -I can't relate. But this post today... Where you are from a faith perspective I absolutely can relate. I'm just now entering the place you're longing for so much right now.I will tell you that it was hard to walk that thing out. Harder than anything I've ever done.. But it has been well worth the fight.

Be encouraged. Continue to seek Him and watch it all work out as He intends. It is hard to give in and just take your hands off - but many times that's all we need to do in order to see God move and those clouds lift. Even in the pit of despair, He is right there beside you, leading you every step of the way.

Your transparency is a blessing and you will reap 10-fold what you sow in this season of trusting and waiting.


4:59 PM  
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8:28 PM  

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