Desire

Okay so I've been thinking again...I think a lot, don't I??? I've been thinking about this for a long time and I think I'm ready. Ready for what I can't say exactly. It goes beyond the realm of forgiveness and forgetting, but along the same lines I guess. Maybe it is forgiveness and moving on, and I'm just not calling it that. I don't really know.

There has been something about the stigma of "divorced" that has bothered me for sometime. I don't like it, and I've felt that when asked I have to follow "divorced" up with, "yeah, he left me when I was 4 months pregnant with our third child." Because then, I'm free and clear from any thoughts or judgements that someone might have on me about the situation. They don't have to sit there and wonder what happened, because I just told them.

Some people allow their stories become who they are. They can define their lives. I don't want my story to define me. Not the bad part anyways. How do I want people to know me? I want them to know me by the fact that I was faced with a difficult situation and chose to keep my faith in God that He would carry me through this. He has and still does everyday.

Have you ever heard that song by Brandon Heath, "I'm Not Who I was?" I love that song. That is me. I am not who I was and everyday God continues to work on me and that makes me so incredibly grateful.

I've just decided that the details don't matter anymore. What happened is not who I am and I'm just done with it all. Sometimes I start to blog about certain events, and something stops me. I don't want what happened to become such a part of my life that I let it take over me. Sorry to disappoint some of you if you thought this was an episode of Days of Our Lives. It's not, and I don't ever want it to be. I'm looking straight forward from this point on. Yes, I still have effects of what did happen, but we all have effects on our lives from past events. I'm no different.

I bought a book today. It's called Desire. It's by John Elderidge. He's the same guy who wrote Captivating and Wild At Heart. I've only read a couple of pages, but so far I can tell it's a book that looks to be an easy read, but very meaningful. I'm sure I'll blog about it later. I don't really know what my desires are. I'm still figuring that one out. But one thing I have discovered is that satan lies to me everyday in every way he can. I can't tell you how many times he's tried to tell me, "You're a single mom of three small children. You're stuck and you won't go anywhere." He is trying to kill my desire. And that is a bold faced lie. I'm not sure what my desires are, but I do know one thing. I want it all. And because of God's grace, I will have it all. So now I'm on my journey to find out what what that means.