Friday, March 28, 2008

Hmmm...

I'm not really sure what this post is about. It's about an assortment of things. Maybe I can manage to pull all my thoughts together. Or maybe not and you can just read it for what it is.

The ole' analytical brain of mine is working way overtime right now. I was writing in my journal and got an interruption from Sheila. She's in town and she wanted me to go to lunch with her tomorrow. I am sooo glad she's here and I'm so glad I get to see her. I just broke down and started crying. I know she's someone I can be completely honest with about life. I can tell her exactly how I'm feeling and she doesn't judge me one bit. She's always been a real friend to me.

I try to explain what's wrong with me...yeah, there's this and that, but those are all just surface issues. What's the meat of the issue? It's my faith. I'm still struggling with the Point A to Point B kinds of things. I know I will get to point B, the "how" is just killing me and I don't know why I can't just get it that it's all going to work out. I really believe in my heart of hearts that satan is working triple time on me. He is clouding me so bad that he wants me to give up before I have even started playing the game. Why? Because he doesn't want me to get to point B. I think about that quote from Joyce Meyer that I love, "Feel the fear and do it afraid." Break through the barriers of fear, do what is hardest and you will be rewarded greatly. I have to...I have to...I have to. And I guess if I cry the whole way, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with me being fearful, as long as don't let the fear stop me.

I've been thinking about something else to. I said before how God works in such mysterious ways. I think we all have our ideas of what is good and bad and what should happen and shouldn't, but God has never been conventional. I often think about how I used to pray for Nathan and pray that he would someday choose to take the role of spiritual leader in our family. I have journals and journals full of this prayer. I read the book by Stormie Omartian, "The Power of a Praying Wife"...I prayed...a lot. And I often wondered what happened. I really don't think I questioned God, I just didn't understand. Not only did my marriage fail, but I also kind of felt I had failed spiritually.

I've had a little bug in my brain about this very thing this week, because now I'm starting to see how maybe although I looked at that situation and thought I failed, or that it was hopeless, God could have been using that very ugly situation to fix something within it that desperately needed to be fixed. I've seen and experienced a whole lot of ugly things that I've never shared on here. I've always wondered what good could come from it, but I think maybe I am now beginning to see how God can use the biggest pile of poo and transform things in the most unconventional of ways.

A couple of months ago I received a compliment that touched me so much. I ran into someone who I know as an acquaintance, but I do not know her well. We've just always smiled each other in passing on the occasions that we have seen each other. She came up to me and told me that started reading my blog a year ago and anytime she has a bad day, she reads it. I didn't even know that she knew I had a blog. I didn't really know what to say, but was completely honored that she even felt that way. Sheila pretty much just told me the same thing. I don't say that egotistically, I say that because, when I'm struggling, what do I do? I have to look to the one thing that is the source of my encouragement. The driving force behind everything I do and have done for the last year and a half...God. I'll be really honest, it's a lot easier to sit behind this computer screen and "be faithful" The hard work is the doing and standing behind what you say. I'm always a little caught off guard when I know someone has read my blog, especially when it's been a real personal post. I'm still SO embarrassed about the time at Cari's lingerie shower when I broke down crying in the kitchen to poor Julie. I think it was in August and that was pretty much the month from HELL for me. Let's see...off the top of my head here's all what happened in that month: Mason was sooo sick, he wasn't gaining weight, he had an ear infection, upper respiratory infection, and MRI, an upper GI, a stomach bug for 12 days, a trip to the ER, a trip to the dr. once a week, Madi started K-garten, I had to fly to Dallas for my loan officer classes, I had to pass the test in that month and have all my stuff in to the state before Sept. 1, Nathan had dropped off on child support, my air conditioner in my car broke, oh yeah and we moved and packed in 2 days. I think that was it. I laugh about it now...man, that was a bad month. So at Cari's shower I'm talking to Julie and I had just posted something that was really personal to me, and I knew she read it. I just started balling. Now a lot of you know Julie and know what a precious person she is. That was probably the nicest person that could have been listening to me vent. My point though is that it's easier to sit here and be faithful...it's so much harder to walk the walk. But the talk isn't any good without the walk. And I have to...I have no choice...not an acceptable one anyways.

I guess that all goes back to the unconventional ways that God works. Sometimes I'm just lucky enough to get to see and understand a little bit better...sometimes I'm not. satan wants my faith so bad, which helps me to realize that it must be really valuable, because he wouldn't want it otherwise. When is he ever going to learn? I struggle, but I'm not giving up. I will keep trying.

"Abraham never waivered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. And because of Abraham's faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn't just for Abraham's benefit. It was recorded for our benefit too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead." Romans 4:20-25
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with love."
Romans 5:3-5
I could go on and on in this chapter and find a few more chapters that apply, but I'm going to stop here. Now if you will excuse me while I go have a good cry. :) And I really do say that with a smile. I'm okay...just thinking a lot, and in the process being forced to stretch and grow. Man, just when I thought I couldn't stretch anymore.

12 Comments:

Blogger suzanne said...

Look on the bright side...August was a long time ago and it's over! You did make the right decision and it will be fine.

1:09 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Okay, now I am crying too! Your not alone! I agree with Suzanne in her comment. You have already made it through a lot of hard stuff! God is still here fighting for you and is not going to let go. We are the ones he gives choice to let go, which is really hard to understand as a parent. But the point here is that you are not letting go, you are holding onto God hard and you have lots of friends and an incredible family who are also tugging on you for His side too! Life is so hard sometimes but its worth the tears and the growth in your heart. Your kids are SOOOOOO blessed to have you as their mother Larissa. You have so many incredible qualities that are going to help form them into some really neat people. I love you and am saying a prayer right now about all of this. Hope to see you VERY soon! I just e-mailed you so go check it and give me a call soon.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Happy Mama said...

I just bought this card for another friend-it says "Cecilia was so tough, she had a bulldog on her poodle skirt" ;) Girl, you must have this skirt too because you are tough and you have survived so much! Hang in there! Of course satan is after you because you are survivng hell on earth and showing others that the only way it is possible is through GOD! I pray blessings for you that will pour over you and your kids and that God continues to work through your story to strengthen you and others as well. INTERNET HUG HERE .

11:15 AM  
Blogger Procters said...

I have sat here for a while trying to think of something encouraging and spiritual to write. I'm at a loss for words. In times like this, it is better to let God do the speaking. God is doing a great work in you. I'm still praying for you, EVERYDAY. Love you, girl. Keep you chin up!

11:46 AM  
Blogger Gabbin' with Giff said...

In December of 2006 our family was going through a lot. It was mostly dealing with my sister, but it affected all of us. I remember thinking, "I just want to close my eyes and wake up around this time next year, because I know, then it will all be over and we will be through all of this....I don't want to go through it, I just want to see how it ends." This Christmas I was looking back, so thankful that I didn't close my eyes because His blessings had poured over all of us that last year. How much I would have missed out on, had I closed my eyes! Keep your eyes open and watch the blessings happen, you don't want to miss them!

12:17 PM  
Blogger Marta said...

Larissa, I just want you to know that everytime I read your blog I walk away feeling like God spoke to me thru your words. You are blessing so many people with your honesty and transparency. And I know without doubt that if you can be such a blessing to so many thru written words that you are a tremendous blessing to your kids who are being raised by a mother who looks to God for all of her strength. Praying for you!

2:16 PM  
Blogger Rosheeda said...

If you check out my archives,I share some really personal stuff too. This place is not one that's easy. Letting go of our expectations and really being ok with God changing our plans and our hearts in ways that we DON'T understand is probably one of THE hardest lessons a believer can learn. Faith - for real for true faith - looks nothing like people often times say it does.Know that you are not sowing in vain. Your harvest will be tremendous. If God's allowed it (whatever your 'it' may be) to touch your life, He has a plan and a purpose for it. Soak in the lessons. Experience every emotion it brings.Enjoy His love. This is a season where you get the amazing gift of knowing Him differently.You will hear Him and see Him more clearly now than you ever have before. Stand firm and don't waiver. Rissa, the Lord loves you so. He won't hurt you. He WILL transform you. Just continue to surrender to the process and let Him work in you for His Will and pleasure.

I'll be praying for you based on your blog, but if you want me to pray more specifically, you can email me at praylovelive@yahoo.com. If you choose that, I give you my word that I wont share and I will pray w/you and for you until you get an answer from the Lord.

I understand this emotional place. Truly. Please dont hesitate to email me - for any reason at all.

love you.
Ro

8:06 PM  
Blogger Proud Parents said...

Larissa, since you brought up that time in the kitchen. I've thought of it several times, but in a much different way. While I was listening to you, God put it on my heart to pray for you. To go from the kitchen to the guest bedroom with you and pray. And I didn't do that....for fear of ackwardness, inadequacy, etc. But I hate that I didn't do what what put on my heart. You and your blog are an encouragement...Thanks.

9:36 PM  
Blogger Penless Thoughts said...

You know all those road signs along our route some times that say "Men At Work". I see some big signs along your "route" that are saying "God is at work".

Yes, satan would LOVE to beat you down and then brag to God that he did. The reason is because he doens't want God to get the glory in your life, Larissa. But God WILL get the glory. I have utmost faith in YOU staying on the path.
Susan

8:10 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

I have nothing to say, just thought I'd out myself as well. I've been reading for a good while and it's only fair you know. Thank you for sharing your heart.

4:23 PM  
Blogger April Carrasco said...

Larissa, Mike was gone last night and I thought of you as I was putting all three of my kids to bed with no help. I said a little prayer for you. I don't know how you do it night after night. Your strenght and positive attitude amaze me. I pray that the Lord continues to bless you.

9:15 AM  
Blogger ♥Tisha♥ said...

You have such an influence on so many people. We do not have triumphs without trials. :) ((Prayers))
XOXO!

10:12 PM  

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