Friday, January 11, 2008

What to do...What to do

Well I posted last night, and I put a warning on it that it might not be up this morning. Only about 3 people read it...and no, it's not up this morning. It didn't say anything bad, I just am in a little better place this morning, than I was last night.

I've got so much swirling around in my little head...so much. So many things I don't understand. No, they're not all related, but in ways they have all just kind of come together and are stressing me a little.

Ya know many have always told me how well I'm doing and how proud of me they are. And I've always said, "what choice do I have?" I have discovered that although I think the best choice is to live a life that God wants me to, living the other way really is easier. That's why so many people in this world do. I do believe that the other way to live is a complete and total mirage from satan, but temporarily it seems easier. Being a Christian isn't for the weak hearted, that is for certain.

I've always thought I was a regular ole' gal with good values...not so much an oddity, but I'm finding out that it is. I'm also discovering that in the dating world that makes me so different. Not necessarily a bad thing, just different. Oh, I have got lots to learn!!!

I'm calling my attorney today to see what I need to do about my ex...I'm not sure that the lifestyle he has chosen is something that my kids can safely be around. Granted, he only sees them for 5 measly hours a week, but even then...I have concern.

I'm wondering if I'll ever have any sort of a life.

And ya know, even more sometimes, I'm wondering why I'm called to live this life. I know all the "cliche" answers, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, this too shall pass, God isn't going to give you more than you can handle"...to name a few. And I do believe those things, my belief in God hasn't shifted at all...sometimes I just don't get it. And this would be one of those occasions that I would really like to know what God is thinking...really. I would like just a little glimpse of something that would tell me that it will all be okay...I want to see it. And I know that the thought of Heaven should probably be enough, but I'm struggling with that today. I'm struggling with that in this life on Earth.

Last night for the first time in months and months I went to bed feeling so incredibly uncomfortable. Not nearly as uncomfortable as a year ago this time, but a little like that. I did have a sense of dejavu...because I couldn't lay down, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't sit, I couldn't sleep...I was just all over the place with uncomfortable feelings. I did what I did a year ago, and just cried to God to calm me. He did...I finally fell asleep. I am thankful that the feelings aren't nearly as intense as they used to be, I just don't know really what to do with it all. When I went through the divorce I got so good at putting one foot in front of the other. I learned to adapt and survive in almost every situation. Well now I'm having to revamp things...it's a little harder to put one foot in front of the other with these new things I'm dealing with...but I have to learn how to do that as well. I guess I'll eventually get good at that too.

I admit it, I'm a little blah today...it's just time to refocus and redirect.

4 Comments:

Blogger Chrissy Cross said...

Jesus was known to the prophets of the old testaments as a stumbling block. When people would listen to what He had to stay, it would feel hurt a little. When Jesus speaks to us, it will be like stumbling on a rock, it hurts a little because we realize there must be some sacrifice. Being different does hurt a little, God never said it wouldn't, but the eternal reward is well worth it.

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like Chrissy said, growing is painful. Even in the low times you seek God and that relationship will always be there for you. It's hard to be patient. I am doing a Beth Moore study and one thing she told the group was no matter how bad you may feel at this moment, you won't always be there, life is not stagnant.

Love,
Jenny

5:27 PM  
Blogger Katherine said...

I am right there with you-on the feelings you are feeling, albeit for different reasons and on different levels. My mom keeps telling me the same thing, though-you will not always be here. God takes us through this journey for a reason, even though we cannot see why. I pray that He continue to leads you and gives you peace, friend...

8:40 PM  
Blogger Penless Thoughts said...

Sorry I missed the first post. You'll be ok Larissa :o) I am suffering much the same feelings you describe only for a very different reason. I, personally, believe it's the "dying to self". None of us want to!!!! Me included.
Susan

7:14 AM  

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