My old blog

What in the world

2008-09-22T13:31:00.004-05:00

Okay, I'm a little frustrated. I hit the update button on my blog...my layout button...GONE. My links...GONE. It wiped out it all and I can't figure out how to fix it. I know I'm computer challenged, but seriously...this is ridiculous. I don't suggest hitting the upgrade button.

Until further notice, I have moved my blog. Click right here and you can get to it. Sorry for all of you that have it linked. If I can figure it out, I'll move it back, but until then...

It's a new week!

2008-09-21T20:38:00.002-05:00

I'm glad we're into a new week. I'm not sure how everyone else's was, but mine was hard. It just seemed like there were so many "life" details that I had to figure out last week. So much to figure out, plan for, and re-plan for. I almost didn't get to go to the Tech game yesterday, because my sitter cancelled at 10 Saturday morning. My little sister came to the rescue and it worked out though. I was so glad...I had seats in the suite and I had never been up there before. So that was pretty cool!

I guess on some level I stay consciously or subconsciously stressed. In fact I know I do. I manage to stay settled about the big stuff, it's all the other stuff that gets to me sometimes. I literally felt like I was in a fog for most of the week, but sometime today it just felt like it all lifted. I don't know if someone was praying for me or what, but I feel about a 1,000 pounds lighter...and I'm thankful.

This week looks to be even busier, but I think I've got most of it worked out. Now I'll just watch out for all the other stuff that happens that none of us ever really plan for...like flat tires. I had one of those last week, fortunately the guys at work came to my rescue.

Anyways, hope everyone has a great week!

Sad...

2008-09-19T08:44:00.002-05:00

I've said I work with great people. Last night one of those people lost their baby daughter. You can read what he wrote here. They've had a battle since she was born, and she left this world last night. It's so sad. It sure makes any of my problems seem so insignificant. Please pray for them that they may have some peace.

Still Settled...

2008-09-16T20:26:00.003-05:00

I got the letter today that Legal Aid can't take my case. It's not because it doesn't have merit, they just can't handle the load right now. I KNOW the case has merit. That's just kind of the risk you take when you apply...you never know who all else is applying. I'm disappointed, but it's okay.

Like I said, I'm learning to become settled when things don't go my way. I guess right now my answer is, "no" or "not right now"...somewhere and somehow it will all work out as it should.

The case with the Attorney General is completely separate, and that will continue on. I'm literally on pins and needles waiting to hear from them. I'm not sure how much faith I have in the system after everything I've heard and read, but I'm just keeping up the faith that again it will all work out as it should. God is in control.

I'll be really honest, I want my pound of flesh really bad. It's a daily, sometimes hourly effort to have a positive attitude in regards to THAT. I struggle THERE. I know most people would say they understood that, but it still doesn't make it right. It's an area of my life that I try to be really settled with, and I have to consistently remind myself I'm not the judge, and again let God be God.

Settled

2008-09-14T13:44:00.003-05:00

By nature we are all control freaks. Even those of us who aren't very controlling. I would consider myself to be one one of those. I'm okay with a lot of things, and as long as I don't find myself being threatened in some way, I'm pretty good. However, there are certain thing that we want to go our way...we are selfish creatures. There is a sense of entitlement that things should go a certain way, and vice versa.

It's easy for me to spend a lot of time wondering why my kids had to be so young and how it would be so much easier if they were older. If I just had "this" or "that", things would be easier and better. It's easy to get caught up in that mode of thinking.

Over the last month I've become settled with a lot of different things. I am learning to say, "I don't know" about a lot of things. I am learning that I don't know why my kids are so small, but there is a reason. I have learned not to search for that reason, but be settled in the fact that God knows and that's all that matters.

I have become very settled with the things I don't have and knowing that God provides and always has. I have become very settled in knowing that even on those "boring" days of diaper changing and house cleaning, God is working. I have also become settled on those days when I'm able to get out and have a good time, that God is working then too. There is always purpose.

I've been able to let go of a lot, and let God be God.

I have also become settled in the battle I may have before me. That's not to say I don't have some apprehension about some things, but I also have amazing peace. God is in the middle of it all, and I am blessed beyond belief by wonderful, amazing, supportive, loving, generous friends and family who through so many loving gestures, smiles, and kind words have shown me Christ..."religion" in it's purest form.

Settled...it's a good place to be.

I remember

2008-09-11T08:49:00.002-05:00

I don't think I'll ever forget where I was 7 years ago today. I was getting ready for work...running late as usual. I'm early every where I go, but my job at Wells Fargo Financial gave me a lot of flexibility, and I was doing good if I showed up before 9. I was pregnant with Madi. I remember thinking, "I'm bringing a child into this world...now?"

When the towers were hit and fell, I don't think I really understood the implications of what it meant. It wasn't until later when more reports came in that it all started making sense to me as to what really happened and what it meant for our country.

My mom was at the high school and I remember her calling. Our sense of security had been threatened even from an event that happened thousands of miles away. You just kind of wanted to gather your little chicks and bring them in close by. My sister and Colt were in Denver at the time.

So much has changed in 7 years...but I don't think anyone will ever forget that day.

In Better Hands by Natalie Grant

2008-09-08T21:36:00.003-05:00

It’s hard to stand

On shifting sand

It’s hard to shine

In the shadows of the night

You can’t be free

If you don’t reach for help

And you can’t love

If you don’t love yourself

But there is hope when my faith runs out…

Cause I’m in better hands now

Chorus:

It’s like the sun is shining

When the rain is pouring down

It’s like my soul is flying

Though my feet are on the ground

So take this heart of mine

There’s no doubt

I’m in better hands now

I am strong

All because of you

I stand in awe of

Every mountain that you move

I am changed

Yesterday is gone

I am safe

From this moment on…

And there’s no fear when the night comes around

I’m in better hands now

Chorus:

It’s like the sun is shining

When the rain is pouring down

It’s like my soul is flying

Though my feet are on the ground

It’s like the world is silent

Though I know it isn’t true

It’s like the breath of Jesus

Is right here in this room

So take this heart of mine

There’s no doubt

You can’t be saved

If you’re not reaching out for help

*************

I love this song. I could listen to it over and over. The words are so pretty. Ya know I don't know what heaven will be like, I guess we all have our opinions. I'm sure it will be better than any of us could ever imagine. One thing I hope is that we're all friends. We wouldn't remember any of the reasons why we were ever mad at each other or why we hurt each other. It would just all be erased, and we would all just love each other. It seems like such a simple thought, yet it's so difficult. Maybe...I hope so.

Quick note...

2008-09-07T15:03:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here having a little bit of quiet. It probably won't last much longer, but it's amazing how much you can tune out when you put head phones on...hahaha. "I'm sorry, what did you say, I was listening to my music." My mom watches that show John and Kate, plus 8...or something like that. She said the dad wears ear plugs a lot, and the mom has just learned to tune it all out. You kind of have to every once in a while.

I actually got a nap today. Mason slept good, and I laid down with Kyle so that he would go to sleep. It was nice. So now I feel refreshed.

We had church today...today was the big start of going to three services. I thought it went over really well. I still managed to get out to my car by noon. And I'm soooo happy, because children's church started back today. So my sanity has been restored.

I had a hard time not being a ball of emotion this morning at church, because of everything. All in a good way though, I wasn't down or anything. I was just thinking about how people have touched me and continue to do so, and how blessed I really am. This morning one of my friends told me that she knew I was supposed to host bunco this month (which means there is a meal to pay for and gifts) and she was going to take care of it all for me. I was kind of nervous about being at church, because I knew there were several people that knew about everything and I again, just don't know what to say sometimes.

Last weekend I got to go to the Tech game. Mom watched the kids all day for me. That was the first Tech game I had been two in almost two years. The last game was when Nathan and I drove to Norman for the Tech OU game. I swore off Tech football. SuzAnne had to go buy me a shirt to wear, because I had gotten rid of anything red and black or Tech related. I had decided to have a ceremonial burning of all things Tech in my backyard. Fortunately, I stopped myself before I started the fire. Me and open flames probably aren't a good thing. :)

I was sitting at the game and just thinking about how much life had changed. I wasn't sad about it all, just reflecting. And thinking about how appreciative I am to have had my life open up so much. I've made so many new friends and had so many great experiences through such a great hardship. And furthermore, I'm happy to have the life I have.

The only thing that has stunk about the passed couple of days is that I got a ticket!!! I wasn't speeding. I was just sitting at the light Friday after lunch and a cop happened to notice my registration was out. So pulled me over. Blah...oh well.

Just my thoughts...have a great rest of the weekend...it's almost over!

37!!!

2008-09-04T20:20:00.003-05:00

I know I said I'd give it away on Friday, but we're close enough. My number was 37...3 kids and 7 is my favorite number...so there you have it...37. Christina won the book. She guessed 40. Amy you were so close! I've never met her, and this was the first time she's commented on my blog. So the book is off to Houston! All I ask is that you read it, and give it away yourself! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Thanks to you all for the encouragement. I've received some really sweet emails as well, and I thank you for those too.

I really do have the greatest peace about everything. I'm a pretty laid back person by nature, but you can only push a person to a point. I'm not angry in the slightest, well I'll put it this way...I don't focus on it. I'm sure if I spent time thinking about it, I would get angry. So I haven't been. I'm being as pro-active as possible and have full faith that all will be made right.

I'm meeting with my attorney on Wednesday. I don't know yet if they will take my case, but I'm hopeful about that. I'm going to the same place that did my divorce, and they too are a non-profit organization. I'm hoping they can represent me regarding the child support, but also to help me modify rights. I want full custody. I don't expect him to want to see them, but I want full control of that option. It's not that I don't want them seeing their father. Well, right now, I really don't want them seeing him...if he ever cleaned up his act and took life seriously then we could talk, but...the inconsistency is what makes it so hard, and it's not fair to the kids. So we'll see...

And the greatest of these is Love...

2008-09-03T19:52:00.004-05:00

I checked my sister's blog and well I guess the cat it out of the bag...so I'll go ahead and say something here too.

A non-profit organization called Faith, Hope, & Love Ministries has been started for single parents. I guess you could say I'm the "poster child" behind it. It has been started, because of me, but I will not always be the main focus.

A blog was started for it and you can go here to read about it. It was a private blog at first, but those who knew about it had the choice to forward it on or not. So...ehhhhh...now I'm once again feeling very naked and vulnerable to the world wide web about my "private" life.

I said last week that I learned a few things...well...hmmmm...

I'm really struggling for words here.

Okay, right now I'm waiting on the Attorney General to open my case with my ex-husband to start prosecuting him, or whatever it is they do to dead beat dads.

I spent a lot of emotional and physical energy last week literally chasing him to no avail and to find out what I really deep down inside already knew.

He doesn't care.

Thank you for all of the offers to run him over with your car.

I said from the very start that this blog would NOT become a place of a bitter and scorned ex-wife, and let me tell you I am neither one of those. However, the situation is what it is and the fact remains that he has not given me a dime in months...or seen the kids.

I'm okay with him not seeing the kids, I'd rather he didn't.

The money...well, that's a little bit more of a sensitive subject and understandably so. Nuff said...

There can be a whole lot of negativity drawn into that and really I have all the positivity in the world. I am drawing my strength right from where it should be drawn...God.

I don't know the HOW of all of this, and I don't care about the WHY anymore. I refuse to spend anymore of my energy that I need to maintain for my children on wondering what my ex is doing and if he's going to come through like he's promised me countless times.

I'm done. Tell it to the judge.

So comes the birth of FHL...like I said I am the inspiration behind it, but it's primary purpose it to grow and benefit more single parents.

I'm still very shy about all of this, and I know very little about what has gone on, but I do want to say thank you. Thank you for the love, support, and encouragement that you have all given me. You will never know how much you have impacted my life. :)

The Shack

2008-08-31T22:14:00.005-05:00

I finally finished it. I'm a little bit mellow right now. In my experience it's a book that you have to think about and process. Keep leaving comments with your numbers and I'll do the drawing on Friday to give it away.

I can't tell you the number of ways this book touched me. I read it at exactly the right time in my life. If you don't win the drawing, I encourage you to read it anyways.

I've mentioned that I've been going to counseling. That's pretty private, and so I don't talk about that. One thing I will share though pertains to this book. I asked King if he had read it. He had, he refers it to many clients. He wanted my take on it...so I told him. He said that he thinks that we all have a "Missy". He asked me who mine was. I had never thought about that. But I immediately knew my answer...Nathan. Not the Nathan I see or know now or hear about, but the little boy who is about 6 years old and can't see that God has an abundant amount of grace for even him. That kills me.

That is very, very personal for me to share, but I do because I do think we all have someone like that in our lives or will have someone. Does that mean that I don't want to lash out in anger...oh, believe me...you have no idea. I can forgive, I have for what he did to me...but man, you want to talk about something that makes me angry? My kids...the hurt they have, and will have. Forgiveness for what he did to them is...well... as I discovered while reading this book is something I need to keep working on. I guess maybe though, I need to let go of that and realize that they will have to work on that, and if I can't forgive him for that, then how will they have a good Christian example if they don't see that in me?

Heavy, heavy stuff...

I didn't want the book to end. It was just so enjoyable, while also spiritually heavy. Ya know though, it doesn't have to end, because we can all have that kind of relationship with God. It's right there!!! You just have to reach out and take it. So many people look for it in the wrong place, and I can't say I blame them. I've been there. I've done that. I guess maybe when you're stripped of EVERYTHING and the only thing you can reach IS God, you don't have a lot of choice. I just wish for so many people in this world that they would come to realize the truth. You're not going to find what you're looking for in your backyard, your car, your job, or your Jimmy Choo's.

Ahhhh...I won't give up though. God is good!

Redemption

2008-08-28T10:19:00.003-05:00

I said I wasn't going to blog until I finished the book, but I just can't help it. I've got a few chapters to go, and I was really tired last night. Like many others who have read the book, I am also going to give it away. So leave me a comment with a number from 1-100. I'll give it to the person closest to my number. Even if you have already read it and want to give it to someone else to read, enter the drawing. (As many times as you want.) I believe it will change your life. Please, please, please...even if you have never left a comment on here before. Don't be scared!!! I promise I don't bite. :)

I got a quote in an email yesterday by a man named Larry Crabb.

"We seem more interested in managing life into a comfortable existence than in letting God spiritually transform us through hardships."

I can't agree with that more. It's like I said earlier, who wants to be uncomfortable? We are always seeking to feel good. However, I have found some of my biggest moments of growth have come through hardships.

Yesterday I confirmed some news that I was already suspicious of...and it wasn't good news. I was kind of angry and sad all at the same time. I had to make a choice though. I could look at the situation for what it was and focus on how unfair and wrong it was, or I could take that energy and use it for good. I am faithfully trying to use it for good.

God looks at things so differently than we do. I see a mess, He sees beauty. What I label as bad, He uses to make good. He never told me how long it would take, but He did ask me to trust Him that He is in control of it all.

I think one of the best lessons I have learned from The Shack so far is that I'M NOT THE JUDGE. I do see where labels have their place, but those are man made. They're not God made. He said to "guard your heart", but He never said to pass judgment on someone for the choices they make. He said to "trust Him with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, (because Larissa you will never understand) acknowledge Him, and He'll make it right." I see a mess...God sees beauty.

I know God is sad for what has happened. I know God is sad for my kids. I know He's sad for my friend who lost her mother to cancer, or my friend who lost her baby. He understands that more than anyone. He watched His son die on the cross and made the ultimate sacrifice, but HE KNEW the bigger picture. HE KNEW all wrongs would be made right.

Yesterday as I sat and thought about what my next step was, I just had the biggest sense of peace that only God can provide come over me. There will be resolution, in one way or another and it will be made right. That resolution may come with some pain, but the end result will be worth it.

With God's grace I will make it, and so will my kids. I will chose to see the blessings that I have instead of the obstacles to overcome. And I will have the faith to know that God is in the middle of it all. God and only God makes all wrongs, right.

Don't forget to comment with your number!!! I'll give it away sometime next week.

Almost There...

2008-08-27T15:08:00.003-05:00

I'm almost done with The Shack...and I'm not blogging until I finish it. I love it, I love it, I love it. Hopefully I'll finish it in the next day or so.

Oh, and if you don't know it...today is my sister, SuzAnne's birthday. Happy Birthday!!! She's 29. Which is odd, because I'm 30 and she's my older sister. Strange how that works. :) Love you!

First Day of School

2008-08-25T15:47:00.003-05:00

Mason...pre-ear infection
He loves to "clean" this cabinet.
My big first grader.
They love each other...now.

I can't believe Madi started first grade today. I took her up there this morning and helped her get settled in. She was so excited to learn! I can't wait to hear about her day.

I took Mason to the Dr. this morning and as I suspected, he has ear infections in both ears. I stayed home today. He still had fever at lunch, so that was just the best option for me. It's kind of been nice though to be home in a clean and quiet house. He's napping now. I'm fixing to head that way too and take a snooze before I go pick the other two up. It's been a nice day getting to spend it at home with him. He is the happiest sick baby I've ever seen in my life!

You are all right in what you said in your comments on my last post. God's grace is sufficient and I know that. I've never stopped believing that, there are just some things I don't get sometimes. I haven't finished reading The Shack yet. I gave it to my mom to read on Sunday. Kind of wish I had it today, it would have been a perfect day to finish it up. I think part of my thinking has come from that, and then just a whole bunch of other stuff lately. Mix all that in with being tired...and voila...there you have it.

I do believe. I don't question that. I don't know...I can't really explain it right now. I guess I'm just human and struggle with life questions like we all do sometimes. But I DO know how redeeming God is. I do know what all he has already done for me, and just because maybe He's not working on MY time table, doesn't mean He isn't working and has forgotten about me. You know what they say, "God's timing is perfect." Hahaha...see, I even say the one liners. I really do believe that. I just need to have patience.

2008-08-24T20:39:00.004-05:00

You know as a mom you kind of have that intuition when you know you might as well go ahead and get the coffee ready, because most likely at some point during the night you're going to need it. I'm thinking that tonight it might be one of those nights. Maybe I should go to bed NOW to get a head start.

We didn't go to church this morning, because Mason was a little feverish...really low grade, but still I don't want to take my child to the nursery that way. All you Monterey mom's can thank me. :) I thought maybe it was just his teeth, but it's gone up this afternoon and evening. I'm suspecting that we'll be going to the Doctor tomorrow. I could be wrong, but like I said...mom's intuition.

The only thing I hate about that is that I don't have any vacation days or sick days until January 1st. I fortunately work with wonderful people, but still...it bothers me. And of course this is the greatest time of year, because tomorrow is my mom's first day of school too...it's every one's first day. So the options are a little bit smaller for me right now. Anybody wanna watch a cute baby??? Oh well, I'm not the first single mom this has happened to, and I won't be the last.

Okay, so next topic...I was thinking today. Forgive me for a moment here, because I'm going to play devil's advocate and sound completely pessimistic. People have these phrases..."Everything happens for a reason, timing is everything, everything has a purpose..." You can add anything else in there you want. You get my point. Anyways, sometimes I wonder if we don't say those things to make ourselves feel better. People aren't comfortable with being uncomfortable. They want some sort of understanding or explanation so they say these things to somehow make themselves feel better, when sometimes things just suck. Does that make sense?

Sometimes it can be hard to hear those "one liners" from people, especially when the pain is still fresh. I guess that's why I'm so careful when I try to comfort someone who is going through something tragic. I remember one of my old realtor friends saw me when my divorce was so fresh and she knew the entire story and she piped in (with good intentions) "well, everything happens for a reason." I wanted to knock her out.

I think what I've come to believe that yes crap happens and it hurts. It's what God is able to do out of that crappy situation that makes His story. I don't know...that's just what I think. I don't pretend to know everything. I think, however, one time I did pray for wisdom. Sometimes I think I regret that decision. Just like patience, you pray a price for wisdom too.

I was reading this blog the other day of this (single) dad and he was telling the story of how his wife died. She had been on bed rest for 5 weeks. She had a c-section and 27 hours after the babies birth she got up out of bed and walked over to the baby to see her for the first time. She collapsed and died of a pulmonary embolism. So now here is this guy raising his daughter by himself. My initial thoughts were, "oh my gosh, I can't imagine raising and infant by yourself." And then the other half of my brain WOKE up and said, "hey dummy, that what you just did and you have two other kids." I just started laughing. It's amazing how much I forget. How much I've come through and don't even realize it. I'm doing this all alone! I don't have the luxury of every other weekend off or Wednesday evenings off, or whatever standard possession order is. See, I don't even know what the standard possession order is, because it's not part of my life! I'm not saying this to look for pity...I say this because sometimes I just don't get it. I don't get why God thought I was so strong, because I have to be a ROCK. Yes, most definitely with the grace of God...only with the grace of God. But still, I don't understand what God saw in me. I struggle with that sometimes, I really do.

Just thinkin'

2008-08-21T09:15:00.004-05:00

I really can't think of a whole lot to say that would be meaningful in any way. I've just been drawing a blank. Things for me have been really good though. There's not any certain reason why, it just seems as though things have been leveling out nicely. I have gained a lot of wisdom and insight into myself and the way God created me and why. I think that has been the biggest blessing of all over the last several weeks.

I could probably fill you in on a bunch, but I just don't feel like gabbin' right now. I will, however, recommend a book. The Shack...I'm reading it. I'm a little over half way through it. I encourage you all to read it. Maybe it's just where I'm at, but I recommend having some Kleenex. It's the good kind of crying though that stretches you. The kind we all need.

Anyways...we have meet the teacher night tonight. Madi is so excited, because she got the teacher that she wanted; Ms. Brown. (What a great name!) And Hallie will be in the same grade and at the same school as her. Brooke tried to get them in the same class, but Madi's was already full. I think that's neat though. Cheri was Hallie and Madi's first babysitter, and now they're in school together...small world.

School starts Monday! Ready or not...I'll post pictures of the big day!

Caution...woman at work

2008-08-20T15:45:00.003-05:00

My blog was giving me a headache...so I'm working on it. I'm making all the changes myself, so I hope I don't hurt myself. I know, I know, I know...hell must have really froze over, because it's purple right now. I'm just wanting a little more serenity, and nothing too LOUD. However, this is entirely too boring...so I will have to come up with something soon.

As for myself...just haven't been real bloggy.

Food for thought...

2008-08-14T11:29:00.005-05:00

I was looking for a particular "Sex and the City" quote, and I found a lot more that I liked.

*************
Guy: This floor is non-smoking!
Carrie: I have an addiction, sir!

This one just makes me laugh really hard.

**************
Miranda: Do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a houseplant I could go to dinner with on a Saturday night?

Again, makes me laugh out loud. I hope I don't ever find myself saying this.

**************
Carrie: I'm good at crossword puzzles, not people puzzles.

I'm so there!

**************
Mr. Big: Nice dress.
Carrie: Meaning?
Mr. Big: Nice dress.

It it were only that simple. That is men and women for ya!
**************
Aidan: Don't take this the wrong way, but this place could use a little work.
Carrie: I know, but I can't afford it.
Aidan: You've got 8,000 bucks worth of shoes over there.
Carrie: I needed those!

Just makes me smile.

**************
Carrie: I'd like to think that people have more than one soul mate.
Samantha: I agree! I've had hundreds.
Carrie: Yeah! And you know what, if you miss one, along comes another one. Like cabs.

So true...timing is everything. I need to remember that. Life doesn't end, in particular love, just because a relationship doesn't work out.

**************
Carrie: That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.

Very interesting thought...

**************
Carrie: Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times when you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine.

Yup, been there...sometimes still am.

**************

This is the quote I was looking for...

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you back somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

I think that just speaks for itself. And that's where I'm at.

Smile!

2008-08-12T16:34:00.002-05:00

Carrie gave me this award. I met Carrie in college. We were in Kappa together, so of course there are lots of fun memories there. I also taught with her sister and mom at Vandelia for a while too. So I got to know her family some. Carrie is a mom to three precious kids, who are way closer together in age than mine. (bless her heart!) And she has the MOST beautiful alto voice! I love to hear her sing!!! Although Carrie and I don't see each other often or talk on a regular basis I do know that it's been a tough year for her and family as they lost Pam (her mother in law) to cancer. I second what Lauren said about her. Carrie is a strong woman, and she probably is stronger than she believes herself to be.

You can go to her blog and read the rules. And like I usually do, I'm breaking them. I'm only nominating one person, and I'm not saying her name. I'm not trying to be secretive, I just know that not everyone blares their soul to the world like I do. So, in an effort to respect privacy...I'm being discreet!!!

Okay...so my friend. I could just cry about how great she is...maybe a smile would be better. :) She's awesome. She is the epitome of a strong woman. She has been through a lot, still continues to go through a lot, but carries herself with such class and dignity that I only hope to emulate. She has taught me how to move out, move up, and move on. AND know you're better for it.

God most definitely placed her in my life for a reason. She has helped me grow, but she has also been an example to me. By me watching her, I have learned to much about myself and in turn so much about life. My life is blessed in many ways by her very presence! YOU make me smile, and I thank God for you!!!

Judgement

2008-08-10T15:35:00.004-05:00

First I want to say congrats to my dear friend Dr. Brown. I was honored to attend her Texas Tech graduation this weekend and see her receive her PHD in Education. I am SO proud of her! She's been working on this for so long, and I just can't believe it's done at the young age of 29! Kudos to you!!! :)

I recommend you all going to read Dr. Brown's blog. There are two blogs posts in reference to labels and feminism. It shouldn't be much of a surprise as to who it was that called me a feminist. I've been thinking about this topic more. It has struck a nerve with me. Not a bad nerve, a good one in fact. It's made me think a lot, and so much of it is relevant in my life right now. I started thinking about being a woman and what that meant for me.

To me being a woman means:

-being completely girly
-being able to rough house
-dreams of playing in the WNFL...even if I'm 40. :)
-being a mother
-being comfortable with myself physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually...any other lly words there are
-loving myself despite my flaws
-liking myself
-being able to express myself
-being able to change my mind
-loving the color pink
-loving chocolate
-having a girly living room
-loving make-up
-doing what I want
-respecting men
-respecting women
-above all loving Christ and desperately wanting to be a godly woman

Okay, so this is the VERY short list...but I think you get the point. Right now for me, me being me...which I am a woman, encompasses me being comfortable with me and my decisions. It's not just about me standing up for myself, but me liking the person that God has made me and continues to make me.

I firmly believe that everything that has happened to me all makes up a picture of what God wants for me. Have I gone through some pain to get there? Most definitely. Have I made some some bad decisions? No doubt. Have I stuck my foot in my mouth? More times than I can count. But I'm not living my life for anyone else but me. Yes, first and foremost I want to live my life for Christ, but what I mean is that no man, woman, friend, or family member has to live my life, but me. Are they affected by my life? Yes. They see me happy, sad, confused, frustrated, elated, angry...you name it. But in the end, it is my life.

My whole life I have been a people pleaser. I have wanted to make everyone happy. But can you make everyone happy? No. There will always be someone who is hurt, mad, disagrees. You may even lose people you love over it. But if you are living the way you feel is best and what God wants for you...then does it matter? I found a quote by Dr. Seuss that simply put, explains it all:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

That's the absolute truth to me. I am labeled and judged for my decisions, actions, thoughts, and desires. I am judged because I choose to attend a Church of Christ. You might think that I think you're going to hell because you don't attend the same church as me. You might judge me because I'm a single mom and am divorced. You might judge me because I don't stay home with my children. You might judge me because I have decided that I would like to get my nose pierced, but won't because I'm not ready to explain that to my 6 year old...or boss. You might judge me because I have two tattoos. You might judge me because I want a boob job. You might judge me because I go to counseling...or might think I might need it, b/c of everything I've mentioned...lol. You might judge me, because I got kicked out of LCU for not going to chapel. You might judge me for a LOT of things I did while at LCU...lol. You might judge me because of the things I say on my blog.

Then again, you might you might judge me because I've tried hard to be a good mom. I tried hard to be a good wife, friend, sister, daughter, cousin...etc, etc. I've tried to make good decisions. You might judge me because of all I've overcome and continue to face. You might judge me for deciding to go back to work when I felt the time was right for my family. You might judge me for a lot, that maybe I don't know or recognize about myself.

Judging doesn't always have to be negative. I think it just seems that way. And I do it everyday. I label others. I am one of the worst. People judge all the the time.

People are going to continue to judge me. I feel like sometimes my life is lived under scrutiny for what I do and don't do. This may seem silly, but sometimes I feel like people are just waiting for me to fall off the deep end. You know the conversation would go something like this, "Hey did you hear what Larissa did? Yeah, I knew it would happen eventually." That may seem pessimistic...but sometimes as people I think we almost expect the worst.

Why not see and expect the best? Why not believe that each and every event in this life, those good and bad, are making us who God wants us to be. Why not believe that the pain has purpose? Why not thank God for every moment we have, and not worry about the rest?

I can honestly say that EACH and EVERY moment in the last 6 months (I say 6 months, b/c as I've explained before I'm a 6 months kind of girl) has pushed me to be where I'm at. There is so much that has gone on in my personal life that I haven't mentioned, and what has taken place doesn't matter. The point being that as Dr. Brown said, "My ideas, beliefs, and attitudes are not all the same today as they were yesterday or as they will be tomorrow. I find that comforting and exciting." There is true excitement in that for me. And that for me is the biggest lesson I have learned of all. Live your life, make your decisions, and be confident in those decisions. Be confident in the person and WOMAN, God has made you to be. Even if people don't agree with who that woman is.

In other words, "Nobody puts baby in the corner." Dirty Dancing

This and That...

2008-08-06T12:46:00.003-05:00

We are so dead at work....SO DEAD. With Tropical storm Edouardoooo...or whatever his name is in town some of our ports are closed. And cotton season is over as well. Which makes for lots of down time. I read on Beth Moore's blog that she thought they should have named that storm something a little more appropriate for the Texas coast...something like Bubba. I agree completely. Of course I can't think of any hick "E" names.

All that being said, I would like to thank those of you that put blog updates on your side bar. That way I can read newly posted things and then I can also go back and read your blog for about the 10,000th time, because I'm sure I missed what it said the first 5,000 times I read it. I am really THAT bored. I still love where I work though...the people are great.

Not a whole lot is going on. I can't believe we are already almost a week into August. Time is just flying. Pretty soon Madi will be in 1st grade, which I'm not sure how I feel about. It's just so much older than Kindergarten. And it seems like once they get into 1st grade it just goes so fast from one year to the next.

In reference to my last post...I'm not bitter. Not in any way. I just think there's such a double standard for guys and girls. I suppose if I had different sex organs I would be considered cool. :p is what I think about that!

Feminist???

2008-08-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

The last week or so have been a little odd. I would say I've had some really bad luck. I call it luck, because I really don't think it has much to do with me, but instead with the others I've dealt with. I'm a little embarrassed about it all too. I could laugh so hard about it, that it makes me cry. I could also cry about it and make myself laugh. All in all I believe that the events are making me what God wants me to be. That literally is the ONLY explanation I have.

I've discovered a few things about myself. I have a backbone, we all do. Some of us just don't use it, and that is a decision we make on our own. I've used my backbone a lot in the last week or so. It's felt good. Sometimes we need some practice in using our backbones. And if we are criticized in the process, then they never really mattered anyways. It is my prerogative to be who I am and live the way I chose. I am after all the one who has to answer for the decisions I make. As long as I'm doing and living the way God wants me to...then my life is my life.

I was talking to my of my dear friends the other day and she told me I was beginning to sound like a feminist. (She is a self-proclaimed feminist as well. ) I first of all thought I would never have a best friend who was a feminist and I certainly thought I'd never be one as well. I'm not sure I like that word. I just have a negative image of the thought of feminism. I think I prefer "strong woman" instead.

I think I'm just tired of the game. I'm tired of the bull. I'm tired of standing at the gas pump and being told that, "I'm making the air smell really good." Seriously, no lie...this man told me that a few months ago. I was like, "ummm...thank you, I think. Please don't follow me when I leave." (I did say thank you, but I didn't follow it up with that last part.) I can accept compliments, that's not what I'm talking about here...it's much deeper than that.

I realize that this world is so sexed up, but I AM NOT. I AM a good girl, a nice girl, I have a brain, and a backbone. AND just because I don't want to talk to you, date you, be with you, marry you after only knowing you for 24 hours, or have your child, does not mean that I'm a witch. It means that I have a prerogative to do what it is that I want, and will do whatever it is that I feel Christ is leading me to do or not do. That doesn't make me a feminist...it makes a girl who knows what she wants and what she doesn't want. When did that ever change in this world? And what is so wrong with that?

Happy 4th Birthday Kyle

2008-08-03T19:58:00.004-05:00

My big 4 year old!
A Nemo party for the 2nd year in a row...Kyle is a big fan!

Me and my beautiful babies!
Madi, SuzAnne and Ryder
Mason, Mom, and Sydney
Mason

Tomorrow is Kyle Jackson's 4th birthday. We had his party tonight. It was really nice. Just a few friends and family. I can't believe he's four years old! It still seems like yesterday that I found out I was having a little boy. I never thought I would have boys. I thought I was a "girl" mom. He has most definitely been challenging. Just the other morning I went to wake him up to get ready and he was asleep with the toilet brush. :) I have absolutely no explanation why that would make any sense in the world. Boys will be boys, that is for certain!

He has been such a joy to me. He loves his momma so much and always has. He never misses an opportunity to pick me flowers. I have been so blessed by having him in my life, and I never realized how much joy a little boy can bring into his momma's life. I look forward to watching him grow into a man. Ahhhh...I'm going to make myself cry if I don't stop!

Anyways...my kids birthday's are a little hard, for me that is. They don't even get it yet. But what can ya do...c'est la vie!

Happy Birthday Kyle Jackson! I love you sooo much!

2008-07-25T16:37:00.003-05:00

I have a quote above my desk that I read almost everyday.

"Wise are they who have learned these truths: Trouble is temporary. Time is tonic. Tribulation is a test tube." William Arthur Ward

Think about it. It's really true.

Tribulation is a test tube...our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls are test tubes for a combination of things; what we chose to put in there, and what is put in there for us...choices and circumstances.

My faith is the key. That is what helps me see beyond my temporary circumstances and know that God is working through everything.

I've had a week. Not really a good one, not really a bad one. I've had a good attitude and dealt with what has been thrown my way as best as possible. I guess I've finally decided, again for about the 10,000th time that sometimes a good attitude and your faith are the only things that can get you through. It doesn't change life's circumstances, but it does give you some power to persevere.

This week I've watched my kids and realized how blessed I am. I think watching my granddad slowly decline more each day has made me realize that. He won't be here much longer. No one can really say, but there isn't much more that can be done for him. That's just blah to me...blah, blah, blah. I won't even go into that now.

I took my kids to the park tonight. I layed in the grass and watched them play on the monkey bars. I watched my determined 6 year old daughter to make it across the "big" monkey bars. She wouldn't give up. She amazes me. She would talk to herself and coach herself at how she was going to make it across there to the other side. It was so cute. I thought about myself. I thought about my determination to make it, and my drive. I always thought Nathan was the driven one. He was so smart. He was always the one who would find a way. I thought Madi's independence and determination that she's always had since the day she was born came from him. It may have taken me 28 years to find that determination and independence within myself, but I found it. God has made me that way, and I'm sooo thankful! I use it EVERYDAY in EVERYWAY. There are still some things that I face, just at everyone else in this world faces that just aren't fair. There are things that my kids face that aren't fair either. I'm just really tired of trying to make sense of it. I am making a conscious effort to let go of that need for understanding. I am choosing to believe with all my heart and with all hope that all of the bad has a purpose, and will somehow be made right. I don't know how, and again that doesn't matter. I just want to have the faith and belief...belief in MY God.

It's funny...just when I think I can't be pushed anymore...I get shoved. Don't really know why...don't really care. I just want to believe.

Ruidoso

2008-07-22T20:31:00.006-05:00

We survived...or I survived! The kids did great. I had plenty of help and it was good to see them in that kind of environment. They are growing up!!! Here's a few pics. Finally, one of my hair. I dedicated myself to no make-up and ponytails all weekend, so I look pretty pasty. Kyle keeps asking me when I'm not going to have black hair anymore. Ha! Anyways...have a good week.

2008-07-18T11:45:00.003-05:00

I looked up the definition of insane to see if my picture was there. I didn't see it, but maybe I should wait until Sunday and check again.

I am taking my three children to Ruidoso this weekend. No, not by myself, but kind of. I'm going with my class at church for the weekend. And I don't know if y'all remember, but I'm not married, and my imaginary boyfriend will not be there either. There will be other kids, but mine are the youngest. They insisted that I come and bring them along. They all said they would help, but y'all know how that is. I'm sure I'm the one who is just the most nervous about it.

I think it will be good though. It's been a long while since my kids and I have ever been able to go anywhere together. They need this. I want them to be able to enjoy things too.

So say a prayer for me...I might need it!!!

My granddad

2008-07-15T11:19:00.003-05:00

My granddad had a heart attack yesterday, but is doing much better. He may even get to go home today. The plan is to treat him non-surgically. It was kind of scary though for a while. Thanks for all your prayers. I know him and my grandmother are getting old, but they're not supposed to!

I left work at 3 yesterday because Mason started running a fever. By the time I got him to the Dr. it was 103.5. He has an ear infection. He's doing a lot better now.

Needless to say, yesterday was kind of crazy. I passed out last night!

I hope y'all are having a good week!

Change is in the air...

2008-07-13T19:35:00.003-05:00

I am officially no longer a blond. On a whim I bought a box of color and I am a dark brunette now and I love it! Everyone says it brings out my eyes. It's actually darker than my natural color, and I've never had it this dark, but I just love it! I almost don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror, but I'm growing accustomed to it. I'll take a picture soon and show off my new look.

I had a really good weekend. Friday night SuzAnne and her kids came down and Ashley came over and we just all hung out. It was good to just chill out.

Saturday the kids and I went to the park and had a picnic. I told them I would push them on the swings for a while, but I also wanted to have some fun too. So I swang really high while they got mad at me, because I was scaring them. I jumped off the swings, even got a hole in my shorts acting like a 6 year old. I'm amazed at how therapeutic that was! You should try it! I think I will be doing that more often.

Saturday night I went out with a friend. That would be a girl friend for all you nosy people. I've decided to no longer speak of any dating relationships I have in the future, for completely obvious reasons. We went to Las Brisas. I had never been there before. We sat out on the patio until somewhere around 1 in the morning. It was so fun and SO needed! I kind of paid for it today, because I'm exhausted, but we still managed to get up for church and spend the day at my parents house.

I'm going back to counseling and I'm so excited! I had been thinking about doing it and then Dr. and Mr. Brown "highly suggested" I do so as well. Just calling to make an appointment was like a breath of fresh air to me. I'm not embarrassed at all to admit that. I believe it's in the best interest of anyone who is human to routinely get mental health check ups. We all need a sense of direction or someone to bounce things off of at some point...single, married, divorced...it's good for everyone.

I've come to the conclusion what makes this part of my life challenging is that when I was getting divorced I basically had a checklist of things to do.
1. file
2. wait
3. child support
4. finalize

While there were a huge stream of emotions that went along with all of that, I felt like I had a goal. Right now things are very abstract, and I feel like I'm in such uncharted territory. I just want to do things right. And furthermore I want to keep from repeating mistakes. So I don't know when my first appointment is yet, but I just can't wait. I love talking to King Buchanan. He makes things so simple that I as a person tend to make complex.

My head really is full of so many thoughts, all of which I just can't think of right now. Thanks for all your support though. As I was driving home after my night out Saturday night, I just thought to myself this thought...I'm not always sure of what I'm doing, but everything I am doing is part of me becoming ME.

My thoughts...

2008-07-10T22:21:00.003-05:00

I really should not be blogging this late. It's past my 10p.m. bedtime. You know they say don't drink and dial, well being tired and blogging kind of do the same thing to me. But here I am...and we'll see how this goes.

I said life is good...it is good. But it's been hard. I guess there's just been a whole lot of life this week and I've kind of taken the "fake it til you make it approach". I always want to have the best attitude, and therefore try to be as positive as possible, but man...it's been challenging.

A friend warned me that when coming back from Emmaus that satan will do whatever he can to get you down. I didn't believe him. I kind of do now. There's not just one particular thing that's been hard, it's just been all of it combined.

I was talking to my mom tonight and I was telling her that I've just kind of had a pity party this week. I can see where satan just wants me throw in the towel and say, "yup, this is just too hard". And then I look to God. I've said before how there was a time in my life pre-divorce where I was just spiritually unsatisfied. I was really wanting to commit more and know God on a deeper level. And I let that be known to Him. Today at work I was thinking about that, and I literally said to myself, "I said baby showers, cooking for funerals, teaching class...not being a single mom". Did God give me a divorce? No. Divorce is man made. I still struggle with that though, especially this week. I know that the work that is done through a person by God is what gives Him the glory and makes the "story", but sometimes it's so incredibly hard for me not to say, "why me, God? I didn't ask for this". That's completely selfish and short sighted on my part, but it's where I'm at, and it's honest...brutally honest.

I've had several people tell me that I need to write a book. I have tried. I don't know how to start a book. I can write a blog, that's easy to me. I guess when I started writing blogs though, it was kind of difficult and then I just grew into it. I never really cared what people thought anyways. You can read what I write and like me or think I'm crazy for the stuff I say on here. Either way, it's still me. I think though I found a beginning for a book. I kept thinking before that I couldn't write a book, because I wanted to wait for my happy ending. And I've just decided that there isn't a happy ending on this earth. Sure there are great moments that make us laugh and smile and help us to enjoy this life, but the happy ending isn't here. It's when we leave this place. So, I'll never write the book if that's what I'm waiting for. I think I'm going to start that project...because you know, I don't have enough to do to fill my time. :p Goodnight...

Ask and Trust

2008-07-09T18:41:00.004-05:00

Got this from my daily "Insight for Today" emails by Charles Swindoll. I've read and re-read it and I love it. Thought I'd share. All emphasis is mine. I posted an update below it.

Read Esther 2:12--18
God does not mock us with the things He includes in His Word. He isn't in the business of making His people squirm under some unrealistic expectation that they can never attain---something that is totally unique to one person but remains for everyone else a frustrating and unreachable challenge. But I must quickly add, you cannot become these things by taking your cues from the world. That only brings defeat and frustration. You, as an individual, have your own pressures, your own difficulties, your own unique circumstances, but God offers ways to handle them and become His special person. The question is how?

First, ask God. Ask Him to cultivate character within you. Ask Him to give you a discontent for the superficial and a deeper desire for the spiritual. Make yourself available to His strength, His reproofs. Seek His counsel for the things you lack. Allow Him to help you set reasonable goals. Record them in your journal so you will have a written account of your prayer to Him.

Ask God to give you that kind of authenticity. To place more emphasis on what's happening deep within your heart and less emphasis on the externals, the superficial, the temporary.

Second, trust God. Trust Him to control the circumstances around you---those very circumstances that you perhaps are using as an excuse for not being the woman you want to be. Don't wait for your circumstances to be perfect. Remember Esther. At the height of competition, surrounded by sensual, greedy, superficial women, Esther stood alone. And, amazingly, God gave her favor in others' eyes!

Ask God. Trust God. We are completely dependent on Him for eternal life, for forgiveness, for character, for security. His light in our lives gives us a growing disgust for things that merely satisfy the flesh. It shows us the importance of character, the incredible change that can come by standing alone on the things of God. He alone can give us grace and winsomeness and keep us from becoming squint-eyed, cranky Christians. It is His working in our lives that uses us even in the harems of life to make a difference and to model a charm and a beauty, a dignity and an elegance that cannot help but cause people's attention to be drawn to Him and His power. Ask. Trust.

*********************************************

It's been a good week. I'm getting pretty accustomed to the life of 8-5. The transition for me has actually gone pretty well. I work in a great place, so that's a huge help. Kyle is still not real happy about daycare, but I think that just may be his personality. Madi has always been so independent, but Kyle has always been a little bit more clingy. He will probably be the child grabbing on to my leg when I leave him for Kindergarten. Madi was more like, "Bye mom! See you when I graduate!"

My funding FINALLY came in for daycare. I was not aware that there is a program to help low income families with daycare. I know now. It finally came in on Monday, so I will actually see part of my paycheck. Y'all know how expensive daycare is for one child...multiply that by three and that is what I've been having to pay for over a month now. I am soooo relieved, not to mention grateful for the assistance!

Have y'all seen the show The Baby Borrowers? The show where teens who want to have children watch babies for a week and see how it goes. It's so interesting! I'd like to volunteer my children for a week. I'll take a vacation and give some ignorant teen couple the best birth control EVER! In fact, I'm sure there are some parents in Lubbock that I could volunteer these services to for their teen children...everyone wins! :) Let me know if you're interested.

Life is...good. Still working through some stuff, but I'm doing alright. And as I've learned, you work through it, persevere, and on the other side is the prize. So I'm making a deliberate effort to work through it.

Anyways, that is about all for now. I need to go do the dishes...blah. I can think of about 10,000 other things I'd rather be doing. Oh well, such is life.

Redirection

2008-07-06T17:22:00.002-05:00

Have y'all ever seen that movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow? I love that movie. I haven't seen it in years, but it is a great movie with an excellent point. Fate...or God (I prefer God) will find you no matter which path you take. Our choices and decisions are own free will, but God is still working in spite of the things we choose for our lives.

Life is constantly changing. I think when you're in your 20's and in college you somehow look at life and think that when you graduate you will get married, have kids and somehow you have "arrived"...quite the contrary. I have learned that when you find that you have "arrived" there may be a great big piece of humble pie waiting for you around the corner. And sometimes that's not always deserving, that's just the way it is.

Lately I've found that my life is in a place where I feel I need to completely redirect everything. Not necessarily take a new path, but focus more on what God wants for me. I haven't a clue what that is, but I do feel very spiritually convicted about certain things.

I'm trying really hard not to do it kicking and screaming. I don't wanna...but I'm pretty sure the reward is great. And really, I'll get to the reward, it just depends on how long I want to continually do the wrong thing, before I finally get the point. And THAT is my decision.

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." Unknown

I really, really want to grow.

Happy 4th

2008-07-03T15:30:00.004-05:00

My life is now complete...Jenny has a blog. All my best friends in one place! And no, Cheri it's not the dark side that I've brought you all to! (I saw that comment you left on Jenny's blog) :)
***
I'm so glad to have a long weekend. I enjoy getting to be home. My mom is over here now. She's sorting through the massive pile of children's clothes that is overtaking my garage. My kids are growing too fast!
***
I was thinking about last July 4th...I remember it vaguely. I know Madi and Kyle were with Ned and Neva for about 2 weeks, so I think I was just at my parents house with Mason. I remember being very tired and just wanting to go home. When he went to bed that night I remember sitting on my front porch (as I do most nights) with some sadness and thinking about this July 4th...wondering what I'd be doing, where I'd be, and how different life would be. Once again, so much changes in one year.
***
Okay, so Celeste requested that I post Sheila's letter. I didn't hear any complaints from you, Sheila when I thought about posting it, so I hope you don't mind. It just reminded me so much of our friendship and you brought back memories I hadn't thought about in a long time. Generally when most people start bringing up memories of me, they go something like this, "remember the time when you..." (you can fill in any assortment of things that probably ended up getting me in trouble) but Sheila really encompassed what our friendship has been all about, and did it so well for me.

When I first met her, I wasn't a fan. Justin had brought her up to L.C.U. for the weekend to scope it out and she was staying with Kristen C. She was so quiet and I really took that as her being snobby and stuck up. I remember thinking, "oh I probably won't be liking her." Ha! Now, she truly is one of my dearest and best friends, and has been for a number of years! She is also the roommate that I lived with the longest. To me Jenny, Sheila and I had a great roommate/friend relationship. I know that not everyone is blessed with that kind of experience.

So here's her letter:

Dear Larissa,

First, I want to apologize for typing this letter. As a general rule, I am opposed to typing personal letters, because typing is not personal. I'm only doing it, because I have to email it in order for it to get to you on time.

Second, I have to tell you that you are an amazing person. If I had one prayer for you this weekend and for the rest of your life, it would be for you to realize your worth. If you could see through my eyes, I'm not sure you would recognize yourself.

Surely you remember when we lived in the dorm together. Of course there are the fun memories of biscuits in the toaster oven, hanging out on the roof and me yelling at all of you to shut up, but those are not the most significant times in my memory. What stand out to me are the mornings (I usually woke you up) when I would come in your room, sit on your bed, and get free counseling. In case you don't remember, I had a 7:30 class (First Aid &CPR) with ***** whom I was dating while hopelessly in love with John. Every morning, you listened to me whine, deliberate, and cry. And every morning you affirmed my worth. You comforted me when I was depressed, you supported me when I screwed up and you helped me laugh through it all. I think that those mornings sum up our friendship. You are the friend that I can always count on. I still call you when I'm depressed and you still make me laugh (friend cards :). When I screw up, I know I can talk to you about it. And you're still a friend I call when I have an important decision to make.

You are a strong, independent woman. You have thrived in life with rare courage and dignity, in spite of the unfair blows that you have been dealt. You have taken care of your children-- working hard to provide for them, but being wise enough to accept help when that was what they needed. Most impressive, you have shown your children that when things get rough, you turn to God. Rather than watching their mom shut down or become bitter and cynical, they watched her praise God through the storm. And they have seen God protect you and bless you. Against great odds (including chapel), you completed your degree, made sacrifices so that you could stay home with young children, and jumped right back into the work-force when it was time. I am amazed at your resiliency and grit.

In short Larissa, I think you kick a** (since you're sort of at a church camp, I feel obligated to censor a bit). You are a dear friend, inspiring mother, and remarkably strong woman. Reread that if you need to because I mean it and I want you to believe it. I am proud of you and I hope that you are having a life changing experience. Your friendship has certainly changed mine.

I love you.

Your friend,

Sheila Brown ******

Blessed

2008-07-01T18:15:00.005-05:00

I'm having major writer's block...worse than I've ever had. I'm more of an impromptu writer. Hence all the ...'s and incomplete thoughts. I think part of it is that a blog could in no way encompass what this weekend truly was all about.

I do feel like a different person. I feel like my experience left me with something I will never forget. And once you understand that and talk to someone who has also been a part of Emmaus, they completely understand too. It's a very bonding experience.

From the beginning when I got there, I just saw God's hand in it all. I was kind of nervous when I got there. I literally knew nothing about what I was going to encounter over the next 3 days. I got to my room, and my roommate was a girl who also went to LCU. She was younger than me and I knew of her, but never really knew her. Her sister was also there and she was part of my group that you in particular grow close to. My roommate was recently divorced and a single mom. A lot of you know her...she was just a precious soul to be with.

My table group, also known as St. Sarah, was wonderful. We were all different ages, different personalities, different occupations, but it was a wonderful mix. Carolyn, if you're reading, your favorite periodontist in Lubbock was my table leader. She is a wonderful lady!!!

The entire weekend was just so God filled. I've never seen love like that. If I tried to explain what I did over the weekend it wouldn't make sense. It's an experience that when all put together it just blesses you, and I wouldn't want to ruin the experience for those of you that will be a part of the experience one day.

By mid day Friday, I was having a great time, but I was really wondering what my purpose in being there was. I thought that it would have really been more beneficial to me if I had been able to go during my divorce or something, because you know "I'm healed" now and all. (There's some sarcasm in there in case you didn't catch that.) Diane, our spiritual director prayed this prayer for us many times, "may this three days be for the one who needs it the most and also for the one who thinks she needs it the least." I think I was that girl who thought she probably needed the experience the least. Life is crazy sometimes, but you know I'm managing things well. I think sometimes I get into overdrive trying to "manage" and forget about other things that are important.

By Saturday morning it just hit me like a ton of bricks. My "aha" moment was me realizing that in the process of managing things I had put my walls up so high...so high that sometimes I don't even let God in. There are still very tender places in my heart that hurt. They're the places that I'm afraid to ever share again with anyone. And if I can't truly share those places with God, then I sure can't expect to share those places with a man again either. So...I'm working on that.

I also learned that I am BEAUTIFUL! There's kind of a joke behind that...it seemed as though there was an invisible sign around my neck that said tell me I'm beautiful. I don't know, maybe I needed to hear that. I guess more so, I need to believe it.

This weekend really just changed my perspective about everything. I had mixed emotions about leaving. I missed my kids so much and I wanted to see them, but I was afraid of leaving this safe place, because I didn't want to head back to the "real world"...I knew what was waiting for me. However, I came back with a new resolve and new attitude. I am so blessed...so blessed. And my life has great purpose. God has great things planned for me. And that's the thing, He has that plan for all of us.

I learned a thing or two about humankind this weekend too. Everything has purpose. Every...single...thing. Every relationship, friendship...none of it is coincidence. I have learned something from them all, and am better for it. And hopefully have added something to their lives as well.

By Sunday I had applied and reapplied mascara way too many times. It wasn't tears of sadness though, really of just joy. If you ever get the chance to go, do it. I promise you there will be someone who will sponsor you, and God will make the perfect time for you to go. I see now where my time there was to never be about me "healing" through my divorce, but about me moving on, moving out, and moving up. It left me with a great new confidence in myself, but more importantly with my God. He is truly amazing. I just can't say enough!

Emmaus is a very personal experience. Everyone walks away with something different. But we all have in common the fact that God loves us so much and shows us that everyday in so many ways.

Thank you so much to all of you who wrote me letters. I started balling when I found out I even had a bag of letters. They were all so touching. I will keep each of them forever and remember you and this time with such fond memories! I may post one later...one of my favorites was from Sheila. I loved what she said, but she's also so poetic. I JUST HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY EVER! I had some letters surprise me, and was just touched. Eric and Roxanne, you made me cry. After I saw y'all, I started crying. I didn't know y'all were going to be there. It means so much to me that y'all were there and that y'all are still my friends.

There were just blessings all weekend long that I won't ever forget. There are still blessings! I think one of the neat things is that they don't just send you on this and then leave you. They are a real community of people. All past members that are still involved in helping with the walks are part of the Emmaus community. They get together once a month for communion and they also have reunion groups that meet. I'm looking forward to being a part of that.

Like I said, I just can't say enough about it. Turns out I think the girl who thought she might have needed it the least, perhaps needed it the most.

If you're interested in learning more about it go to http://www.llanoemmaus.org/

Amazing is all I can say!!!

I'm thinkin...

2008-07-01T08:22:00.002-05:00

I'm mulling lots over...trying to decide how and what to post about my weekend. I'm kind of stuck...but as soon as I become "unblocked" I'll post. I will say, it was absolutely amazing. I was blown away. Later...

hahahahahahahahha...

2008-06-25T12:03:00.003-05:00

Okay, so the modem wasn't fried...just my brain. I got the new one in yesterday, and started hooking it up and there was no power to it. And I was thinking, "what are the chances that I could have been sent a defective modem???" And then I noticed a little button on it, called the POWER button. I tell ya it works every time...just click it!!! So now I can call back AT&T to send them back the "defective" modem and tell them that it's working just fine, they just have a moron for a customer. hahahahahhahaha...the jokes on me. :)

Thank you God for angels who protect me daily, oh where oh where would I be without them??? :)

Dumbing Down

2008-06-22T16:36:00.004-05:00

***My modem fried on Friday, so I'm without internet. I can't order a modem until tomorrow morning, and then take into account my amazing computer skills (insert sarcasm here) and I will be out until I get it fixed. I'm sure I'll have an earful for you though after next weekend.***

Dumbing down is a term a term I first heard from my mother in law. She was a single mom for a while, after her husband died, and she talked about dating and how women have a tendency to “dumb” down for love. I know I had done it before, I think every girl has. I’m sure guys do too, but overall I think girls can be some of the dumbest creatures on Earth. I’m not doggin’ on my own species, but really how dumb can we be sometimes that we would put ourselves in situations that we know aren’t right…and furthermore stay there.

I read this article last week in the AJ about this woman who felt trapped in her marriage of over 30 years. Her husband abused her, cheated on her countless times, gave her an assortment of S.T.D’s, but the sex was always good, so that is why she stayed. She wasn’t quite sure what to do. Ummm…I’m sorry, but I don’t see how she could even question what she should do. I mean really??? How can you let someone do that to you???

I think everyday we allow ourselves to be put in situations where things just aren’t right, and we put up with it. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I’ve done that. And what’s the payoff? I’m not sure. There has to be something, or we wouldn’t do it. I guess the more obvious situations like the one mentioned above seems ridiculous, because who in their right mind would allow that? At the same time though, it doesn’t have to be on that large of scale in order for it still to be wrong. It is my choice, and MY CHOICE only to stop that. God gives me free will to do what I want.

When I went and saw “Sex and the City” Miss Carrie Bradshaw described her relationship with Mr. Big and said that she was an emotional cutter. I never thought about that, but I think I can understand that. We don’t want to hurt because of relationships, but at the same time you want to feel something. It seems to be all about “feeling”…we’re such a society to wants to feel something. Or on the other hand, doesn’t want to feel at all, so we find ourselves medicating with drugs, alcohol, sex…whatever; you can name your own poison. But it all centers around feeling. I’ve been wanting to feel, or on the other hand, not lose the feeling.

I now find myself at a spiritual crossroads. It's a good one. (Aren't they all???) I’m so excited about going to “The Walk” next weekend. I think it is absolutely perfect timing for many different reasons. I don’t expect to come out of there looking like Moses after he came down from the mountain or anything, but I do have a lot of hope spiritually for good things.

I feel like my life has changed a lot in a short amount of time. I can’t really pinpoint what it is, but my mindset has just been so much different and in a very good way. I’ll be honest, I’ve still struggled with the “leftovers” of my last relationship. It just threw me for a loop that I didn’t expect. But it’s okay, it helped me realize a lot of things about myself, and a lot of things about what I want and don’t want.

I’m not crazy to think that relationships are perfect, or that just because I went through a bad divorce that I’ll find my prince charming and live happily ever after. I know it doesn’t work that way. I would say more than ever, I know that. I do still have full faith that the right person for me is out there somewhere. And he’s not just out there for me; I’m out there for him. It works both ways, and as cliché as this may sound; Jesus already saved me, I don’t need a man to.

Once again, I find myself being so incredibly thankful for the people God has placed in my life who affirm to me that what I am doing is right. I am truly amazed at all the support I have from friends and family. I know there are lots of people in this world who don’t believe in God. I will tell you that I see God all around me, everyday. It’s in the people who love me, support me, watch over me and want good for me. There are no coincidences…God put these people in my life for a reason. Even the ones that suck too, (hahaha) because if we allow ourselves to, we can learn something from them as well. And then maybe if we’re lucky enough a bird will poop on their head one day, and it will make us feel better. No, I’m not passive aggressive at all…heehee.

This and that...

2008-06-18T19:55:00.000-05:00

I guess everything is business as usual right now. I'm not sure I could handle much more than that anyways! I'm pretty much exhausted all the time, but I still feel very blessed. People have been trying to do what they can to help me, so that has been nice. My mom has started coming over every Tuesday and clean house for me. That is a dream come true! I wanted to hire a maid, but it's nice not having to pay for one right now. I just can't do it all and the house is always the first to go...so that is a major help.

Next, Robyn gave me an award. I mentioned her giving me an award last week. When I wrote her name, I spelled it Robin...which makes me laugh and if you were in Kappa and pledged with me, then you know why that is funny. How can I forget??? She mentioned in her post about me, that she was my pledgemaster in college. Hello..."Honorable Miss Robyn, my name is not a bird, I don't know how to fly, so don't spell my name with an I..." :) :) :)

Anyways, so she gave me an award because she considered my blog to be deserving for it's creativity, design, interesting material and contribution to the blogging community, regardless of the language. (I copied and pasted that...so it may not make sense, and I'm too tired to think.)

Thank you so much Robyn! What you said about me means a lot, and I appreciate the encouragement! I am going against the grain here and not list any other blogs, and I hope that's okay. I know the bloggy police won't come after me or anything, but I am a stickler for rules, and I'm breaking them.

Okay, so what else??? My dad came and picked up Kyle last night and took him home for a couple of days. Then they'll switch off and take Madi for a couple of days. I feel like I'm on vacation when I've only got 2. It's so easy compared to three!

Things are good, just really busy. I do have hopes of them slowing down about this time next week. I've got two loans that are closing the end of this week and early next week. I will be a happy camper once that is done. I'm feeling a little bit overworked right now. Honestly though, the busyness has been good and has served a purpose. I do look forward to working 40 hours a week as opposed to 50 though. :)

Hope y'all have a good rest of the week.

Fun Times

2008-06-15T12:51:00.002-05:00

I had a great weekend. Friday night I got to eat dinner with Lisa. We hadn't been able to spend time with each other in a while. We've both been busy with various things, so it was awesome to just sit there for hours (literally) and just visit. We almost closed the place down. My mom kept the kids for me that night, so I had the whole house to myself Friday night. I almost kind of go stir crazy when I'm home alone, because I feel like I should be out doing something since I have the time. I went to bed though, I was so tired.

Saturday night Amanda, SuzAnne, and I went to Abuelo's and then to see "Sex and the City" I loved it!!!!!!!!!! It was one of my favorites when it was on t.v. I think I've seen every episode. I know it's horribly dirty, but I still love it. And Jenny, I cried too. It just made me all the more thankful for my friends. I'm such a nerd, that I even dressed like my favorite character, Charlotte. I just love her.

Today we didn't go to church. I decided avoidance of Father's Day was the best route for me right now. I knew it would make it harder on them, which in turn would make it harder on me. Just didn't feel like dealing this year. I didn't even think about until Friday and then it just really hit me late last night. I'm good, I just kind of regroup and move on. There's not much else I can do. So instead we went to McDonald's and ate breakfast and the kids played.

Anyways, well another week is upon us. Back to the busy schedule. I'm counting down the days to Emmaus...I can't wait.

What month is it???

2008-06-11T21:58:00.002-05:00

I don't know when I've ever been this busy. We are adjusting to our schedule, slowly but surely. I can't say that Kyle is all that happy about going to daycare. He wishes he could stay home with his momma everyday. Overall though, it's gone really well.

I feel really blessed to be busy. I'm doing the whole 8-5 thing, but I'm also incredibly busy with the mortgage stuff too. This will be a really good month. I'm having to sacrifice a lot of time with the kids right now, but it won't be forever, and it will help me tremendously. So no complaints here!

I like my job, I really like the people. I think I'm allergic to the cotton though. I've always had allergies, but man...they've gotten to be horrible. I work in the corporate office, but it's all around the cooperatives that store the cotton. Hopefully, it's just a cold.

All in all, things are great. I'm tired, but it's an amazing feeling feeling knowing I can support my family. And I'm looking forward to a fun weekend! :)

By the way Robin, thanks for the award! This one is going to take some thought on my part...I'll post soon! :)

Wow

2008-06-06T22:25:00.003-05:00

Can I just tell you that I've had an amazing two days? There's just a lot that's happened in the last two days that I see God just blessing me over and over. And where I'm just saying, "Wow God...you were right."

They've been days full of transition, no doubt...I have shed some tears while dealing with some adjustments that we're making in our lives, but more than ever I'm just amazed!

I went to the the meeting for The Walk to Emmaus last night. I met a new friend who also goes to Monterey, and we found out that we were both going to be at a cookout that my neighbors were having tonight. While at the cookout tonight we found about a million different connections including: our mutual friend Elaina, Kappa, Grants New Mexico, being divorced...the list could go on and on. We had the most amazing talk.

I just feel God doing all sorts of things in my life and putting people in my life that I need right now.

I'm looking forward to the weekend with my kids. I've missed being with them these last two days as they have started day care. Madi is staying with my mom this weekend. They're having girl time with Sydney, because Colt and SuzAnne took a weekend getaway. So I'll be with my boys.

I started my job today. Man...I feel a little overwhelmed. I thought mortgage processing was detail oriented! Holy cow! What I'm doing now is insane! To explain it best: I am in charge of making travel arrangements for cotton. You would not believe what it takes to get cotton shipped overseas, and how much is exported to places like Turkey, China, Mexico...etc, etc. I'm very excited to learn something new and I'm catching on pretty quick, but still...by the end of the day, my brain was tired.

I am however feeling very blessed to be at the company I'm at. I don't think I could be at a better place.

So lots going on...I'm tired now, and I'm going to bed.

A New Beginning...

2008-06-04T18:15:00.003-05:00

I guess I can officially spill the beans now. I had been keeping it under wraps for several reasons, but I can share now. I got a full time job. I decided to do this for different reasons. I'm not quitting the mortgage business, I am going to do both. I think right now it is the best move for me.

I had been so very frustrated, because trying to find a job isn't fun. I've actually never had to really do it before. I've always just known someone and they have connected me to something. This time that wasn't the case. And the connections I did have just weren't panning out like I thought they would. So, I kept searching. I even went as far to put resumes out in Abilene. Yes, I would have moved. I did have an interview there, but really the only jobs I would have wanted would have been at ACU. It is still very much a dream of mine to get my Masters in Counseling or Higher Education and work for a university and/or church as a women's minister, but right now may just not be the time.

I did however get a call this week and was offered the job I was wanting here in Lubbock. The pay was really good and when they offered me the job they told me that they were starting me at a higher salary than they originally stated! A HUGE ANSWERED PRAYER! I'm really excited, because this is going to give me the opportunity to support me and my family and not have to depend on the ex. Yes, he is still responsible and will be held to that, but he doesn't have any leverage over me anymore. He can just deal with the Attorney General...and that has been a long awaited goal for me!

I'm a little sad about putting the kids in daycare, but the way I see it is that they have been home with me most of the time for most of their years. I got Mason past the one year mark, and I think that helps so much. And on top of that, I'm a single mom and I've managed to stay home for the last year and a half. I don't know another single mom who has been able to do that. Now I feel it's time to go back to work and help change our financial future. So, I will be juggling a lot, but I feel with all my heart that this will be life changing for me and is the right thing.

I start Friday. So I will join the rest of the world in getting up early and getting the kids ready and being at work at 8 a.m. I'm sure I will be exhausted by the days end, but there is something to be said about knowing the feeling that you're providing the best you can for you and your family.

I'm so thankful and I'm so blessed for the opportunity that God has put in front of me. All worked out just as it should, and I think that God strengthened my faith throughout the waiting process. And I'm so glad it's over!

Blessings

2008-06-03T15:17:00.003-05:00

What I posted yesterday was in reference to a frustrating situation in my life. I see where I have given it power to influence me in a negative way and cause me to not think about all the good things in my life.

Today has been an interesting day for me. Some really good things are happening and I'm starting to see the fruits of my labor and the proof that God provides and answers prayers in ways that He knows we need best.

I have "bumped" into more people today that I've needed to for sometime. I guess the timing now for me though is perfect. I saw Mrs. Carolyn today. Mrs. Carolyn was Madi and Kyle's pre-school director at Sunset. I haven't seen her in over a year when I took the kids out of Just Kids to move to Slaton. I love this lady. She ministered to me in so many ways and knew first hand what was going on. I even remember the time she took me into the media closet to pray with me one morning when I dropped the kids off, because I was completely beside myself with grief. We exchanged phone numbers and are getting together soon. She just lifted me up in ways that I really needed. A person who loves me.

Then I was at work talking to one of the ladies and the subject of "The Walk to Emmaus" came up. She helps with this. And I exclaimed (truly!) "oh my goodness, I've wanted to go to that!" She got me signed up for the end of June and talked to my hair dresser (who had agreed to sponsor me) and I'm going to get to go. If you don't know what "The Walk" is you can go to www.llanoemmaus.org and read about it. I have heard so many wonderful things about this weekend and that it is completely life changing. I am soooo pumped! They have a meeting once a month at a different church to get people registered. This month it's at Monterey. (I took that as a sign too!) Again people who care for me.

I could go on and on for the ways that God is blessing me and showing me that it is time to look at all who love me and see all that He is doing for me and not pay attention to the rest, because the rest aren't worth it.

I struggle with that, I really, really do. Say a prayer that I can be strong and let go of the things I need to and the people I need to. I honestly don't know why it's been so hard for me to do that...but it's time.

Thankfulness

2008-06-02T21:30:00.003-05:00

I've learned a really good lesson this week...

Be thankful for the things you have and don't worry about the rest.

I have so many reasons to be thankful and honestly, I don't have one reason in the world not to praise God for everything in my life. I think we all do. And I think a big key to getting through this life is only focusing on the things that do enrich our lives. Don't give power to the negative. It can so easily be done and when you do that, you let the parts of your life that maybe aren't the best become very important. And I'm sure that satan loves that!

There are some days that maybe you just need a hug from someone important to you, or a kind word. There can even be the smile from a stranger. Take it, embrace it, and know that you are loved.

Don't look at what hurts you and makes you angry and let it have any sort of place in your life. If you do, are allowing those things and feelings to become more important than the blessings that God gives us all. Y'all they're so numerous...we all have so much to be thankful for, and if you have problems thinking of something...start with the fact that God gave you this day to look for many ways in which He has blessed your life. If you find yourself in a pit, be thankful for the very fact that God has given you a way out.

That's it...that's all...just been on my mind.

How about some Honesty...

2008-05-30T19:54:00.003-05:00

Today has been a good day. I managed to go to Wal-mart and the mall with all three by myself. And I'm not feeling so crazy either...so I would say that was an accomplishment.

We went to the play area and there was this little girl there. Madi said that the little girl kicked her in the throat. I didn't know if I should believe her, but then I saw the little girl body slam a 3 year old little boy, and I thought Madi was probably right then. I saw who she belonged to, as it was obvious that what I think was her mother (she looked young enough to be a sister) didn't seem to care. But she had 5 other kids with her, so how would she really even notice? She had a wedding ring on, which I know doesn't mean a whole lot, but I guess it made it more possible in my mind that those children belonged to her. As we were leaving the mall we walked outside and there was the mall rats dressed in their goth clothing. (Y'all know what I'm talking about) They were teenagers, but one of the girls that was with them looked to be about 10 or 11...dressed in a mini skirt and halter top.

It got me to thinking about the importance of parenting with purpose. I know I fail in this category sometimes. I've really been trying hard lately to be a really good parent. It can be hard for me sometimes, because I feel that I have so much to do and so much responsibility. I get particularly frustrated when the actions (or lack there of) of Nathan hurt my kids and therefore make it harder on me as a parent.

As Dr. Phil says, "when you know better, you do better." I agree completely and I think there are just some parents out there who don't know any better. I don't think it's an excuse at all, but they've been living in a cycle so long that they end up teaching their kids those bad behaviors as well. I on the other hand, know better. I was raised right and I know without a doubt what is okay, and what is not okay and I want my children to know that too. Then you also have the parent who knows better, but just doesn't give a crap. That's equally annoying and down right selfish!!!

I feel as a single mom I walk a fine line. I try really hard and do the things that I know they need and try to keep them away from the things that I know aren't good. It's still hard though, because there isn't the influence of the father, that I know is sooooo important. And right now, I have no control over that. When Nathan does come into their life, it makes it harder on me and them. In particular this week as he pulled a WONDERFUL stunt and is now on his way out of town to move to Austin. In many ways, I say good riddance, don't come back ever!

I am not a feminist in any way shape or form. I do believe that the man has such an important role and I have the highest respect for good fathers and husbands. That is absolutely priceless. I wish more women truly respected and honored their husbands. (Vice versa of course, but that's another blog) I'm not bitter or cynical about men, I'm just so sick of the selfishness that people in general have. I mean come on...think of someone else besides yourself for a change!!! Who made you god???

Today Madi was upset and we talked about her daddy moving to Austin. She thinks he hates her and doesn't want to be around her anymore and he loves Gina now and not her. Of course that makes me mad, because I am angry that my 6 year old daughter feels this way and I can't say anything to convince her otherwise. Kyle is soooo protective of her. He doesn't understand her tears, but he knows that his big sister is hurt. He told Madi that he was going to go kill Nathan. (He gets called Nathan more by Kyle than he does daddy) And Kyle said, "he doesn't love us." I told him that he does, and he said, "yeah, but he doesn't like us." I didn't even know what to say. My honest answer would be, you're right, he doesn't like us. If he had liked us, he wouldn't have been so selfish in the first place. He liked himself more. AND THAT is the bottom line...HE LIKED HIMSELF MORE.

That is the problem with this world and it will never get fixed until people move themselves out of the way and stop being so selfish. It is not about me, me, me...and it never should be.

A lot of times I play the "in 5 years, or 10 years" game...whatever I'm feeling at the time. When I'm 38, I will have children ages 14, 12, and 9. In many respects my life will be so much easier. (I guess that depends on what kind of teenager Miss Madi is...help us all!!!) So many times now, I literally have to take it one day at a time because there is just so much to be done in a days work, fights to settle, bottles to make and diapers to change. I do occasionally feel captive if you will to what I deal with, but this really is only for a period of time. It all changes so fast. I look at my mom and see at the age of 56, she has lived many different lifetimes. She was a child, a young married, young mother, preachers wife, empty nest, and in three years she will retire. That's a lot of life, and not one of those phases ever lasted forever. She now looks back and sees all of those times, and they seem so long ago. And I'm sure at the time she was going through those phases she probably thought they would last forever, but look at it now!

I truly, truly have to remember that, I think we all do. Life is short. Yes, this is my life right now, but the diapers and bottles will be gone soon enough and my job as a mom is to the best I can. I fail and I will fail, but God's grace will take care of the rest. He put those three children in my life for a reason. I don't know that reason and sometimes I sure question if I'm capable to do the job, but if I wasn't He wouldn't have given them to me in the first place. And MAYBE, it's not about me. MAYBE, it's not about me finding my purpose , or a man, or whatever...MAYBE it's just all about me needing to be a good mom for those kids and raising them right. MAYBE someday I will be blessed with the other and maybe I just don't need to worry about that right now.

Just my thoughts...

Busy times...

2008-05-29T20:53:00.002-05:00

I almost went a whole week without posting. I'm a little surprised at myself! It's been a really busy week. I went to Abilene on Wednesday and that was fun. I just enjoyed getting away. And the highlight was lunch with Sheila. I've been liking the frequent visits with her!

Today has been equally as busy. I've had about 10 big things I've had to get done today. My babysitter got sick and had to cancel, so SuzAnne had the pleasure of watching 5 children today. One being a month old!

Tomorrow ECI is coming for a home visit for Mason. When we were at his one year check up she referred him, because he doesn't have the desire to feed himself. Most babies at this age put things in their mouth...food along with small objects. He won't. I'm still having to feed him baby food and he has absolutely no interest with anything that isn't pureed to smithereens. I try to put little puffs or bananas in his mouth and he looks at me and shakes his head, "no". He also doesn't want to drink out of a cup. His pedi doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, but ECI is going to try to help me with some tips on trying to get him to transition. He is a late bloomer, no doubt. He just started crawling a month ago, and he's not pulling up yet. Kyle was the same way. Kyle didn't start walking well until 15 months. I think he's just a boy and when he decides that he wants to do it, he will.

Other than that, things are good. Today was the last day of school. I know the summer will fly by and before we know it, we will all be looking at the fall of the year! And then Christmas, yeah!!!! My favorite!!!!!

I've been doing a lot better. Things are just starting to fall into place a little better for me personally, and I'm feeling a lot of relief in certain areas of my life. Here before long, I'll have some really important things figured out, and I'm thankful for that! God has a plan!

Sorry this isn't very exciting...haven't been real bloggity lately. Soon enough though...I'll be back.

Mason's 1 year check up...and other things

2008-05-23T16:28:00.003-05:00

I took Mason on Wednesday for his one year check up. He's in the 95th percentile for height and 25th percentile for his weight. He's doing great. We got all the wonderful one year shots as well. He's a champ though, so it's never been bad for us.

As far as I'm concerned...maybe I should clarify on the whole school being out thing. I don't mind school being out, but when school is out, I don't have daycare. So I'm home all day with all three...hence the Xanax. I'm not fit to be a 24/7 stay at home mom. But soon enough they will be in some sort of program for the summer. I've just to get all the details worked out.

I think I'm turning the corner here...what corner you may ask? Sorry if I've been rather cryptic lately in my posting. I haven't been completely forthcoming about everything to all of you who don't me. But soon enough I'll share.

Looks like I'm heading back to Abilene on Wednesday, I'll be back in the same day. I'll go down there that morning and come back just after lunch. It will be fun to get away again, even if it is only for a little bit.

I hope y'all have a good weekend and a Happy Memorial Day!

Super Kids

2008-05-22T19:51:00.002-05:00

Today was the last day of Super Kids for the boys. It was rather bittersweet for me. They have both grown so much since September. Of course you see it in Mason the most. I got their scrapbooks that they made and, boy those teachers out do themselves! They were amazing, and they make me tear up to see all the neat things my little boys did this year.

I have to say that South Plains/Super Kids was an amazing place for my kids this year. When I was looking for a mom's day out, I wanted them at Monterey. They were full, so I knew Chrissy sent her kids to Super Kids. South Plains is also right by my office, so it ended up being a better choice. But more than that, they truly ministered to me this year in more ways than one. I can't say enough about the program, church, teachers or Wendy K. (the director) They were all amazing. And you know that they love your kids when the teachers are tearing up seeing your kids go.

So now, just one week left of public school. I think I'm going to start taking Xanax now before the great depression sets in. Lord, help me...seriously. I'm just trying not to think about it in the span of, "oh my goodness my kids are out of school for HOW long???" I know teachers need a break, a well deserved on in fact, but...well, that's all I can really say about that. We'll be alright though...we'll do some fun things, and we'll get through it, just as we have everything else.

Happy Birthday Mason

2008-05-20T21:29:00.003-05:00

I will post pics later, but I had to say Happy Birthday to my little man. Y'all this year, although difficult at times, has flown by soooo fast. I just can't believe that he isn't a baby anymore and is growing into a little toddler. I can't believe I don't have babies anymore! It's not just a celebration of him turning a year old but a celebration of the last year that we've made it through as a family and me as a person. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! (That's me yelling in case you didn't know) Mile 1 down of a about 1,000.

For those of you who know Mason, you know how truly AWESOME he is. He is just amazing, and so sweet spirited, and I'm am soooo blessed to have such a sweet little boy. Great things are in store for him, I just know it!

On another note, Abilene was awesome! It was just perfect to be with my best buds. We didn't do anything extravagant, but that's the greatest thing about friends. You don't have to...you can just hang out and talk and it makes it perfect.

I came back still having to deal with a lot, but with a resolve to face it all head on. I've made some decisions about my life, and have made set some pretty big goals for myself. I really just want to do and be where God wants me. God has a plan, no doubt. I'm ready to see where His path leads me...wherever that may be.

Blessings

2008-05-16T21:46:00.003-05:00

God truly gives us what we need when we need it. I've had a hard week...more like a hard month. And so much of it is re-direction that God is doing in my life and it's just been hard. Tonight I got to eat dinner with SuzAnne, Lisa and Jennifer and all our kids. It was so good for me to get out and have a play date. Tomorrow I'm going to a Bar-B-Q at my friend's Eric and Roxanne's house. Then we will go to Tahoka, because my mom and Madi have a piano recital. My mom will be playing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and Madi will be singing. It's going to be so cute. I knew all of that already, but then my mom called me tonight and told me to call Sheila and see if I could come to Abilene on Sunday night to get away. I immediately jumped at the chance. In an effort to surprise me, Sheila called Jenny to see if she could come from Dallas. I know this because, I had actually texted Jenny while she was on the phone with Sheila. So while it won't be a surprise, I will get to spend time with them both!!! And I just got off the phone with Jenny and she said she's going to do my hair for me while we're there together. Then, my babysitter, Ashley called me and asked is she could come pick up the kids tomorrow morning to take them to the park, because it had been a while since she had seen them. And no, she's not asking me to pay her. She does things like this for me, just because she's so nice and because she likes my kids.

Y'all I can't tell you how bad I need this right now. I will get through this...I won't give up. Life has sucked lately, but I will keep saying it, God is good. He does bless us and He does love us. What we feel and experience in life that hurts so much has purpose. I don't know the purpose and I'm not able to look back yet, with what I'm currently going through and able to see His plan, but I have the faith to know He has a plan. I hope y'all all have a great weekend...I know I will!

Kindergarten Awards

2008-05-16T15:56:00.005-05:00

Mason...he will be one year old on Tuesday!!!

Me and Kyle
Madi received an award for being an excellent reader!
Madi and Mrs. Wheeler, who has been a big blessing to us this year!

It's been so long since I posted pics, I almost forgot how! Madi had her awards ceremony today. I can't believe my little girl is almost finished with her first year in public school. Next thing you know it will be high school graduation!!!

Helpful Hope for Broken Dreams by Charles R. Swindoll

2008-05-16T07:56:00.002-05:00

Okay, so pretty much everything Charles R. Swindoll writes, I like. Here's one for today that speaks to me and where I'm at. No, I'm not old, but I do have some broken dreams and as I look forward with confusion at times for what God wants for my life, I am given hope. Now it's just my job to live my life with obedience and faith to understand that although he re-directs many things in my life it is for good reason. I hope y'all have a good weekend.

*************************************************************************

Read 2 Samuel 7:18--29; 1 Chronicles 22:1--6

What a father! He may have been weak at other times, but at this moment, David stands tall.

"Lord, I know You don't want me to fulfill the dream, but, Lord, I'm going to set apart as much as I can to support my son as he fulfills the dream that was on my heart." What an unselfish response.

I see two simple truths in all this. First, when God says no, it means He has a better way, and He expects me to support it.

Second, my very best reaction is cooperation and humility. He doesn't call everybody to build the temple, but He does call everyone to be faithful and obedient. Some of you who are reading this are living with broken dreams. Sometime in the past you had high hopes that your life would go in a certain direction. But the Lord, for some mysterious reason, has now said, "No." And you've moved along in life and now you're up in years, and you find yourself slowly becoming shelved, and the younger ones are taking charge and moving on. How quickly age takes over!

Just about the time we get our act together, we're too old to pull it off. And so we release it to the Solomon in our lives. It takes genuine humility to say to that person, "May God be with you. I'll do everything I can to support you in seeing that it gets accomplished."

Do you identify with David? Did you have your hands full of your dreams and your visions, ready to present them to God on the altar of sacrifice? Did you have your plans all prepared and thought through, only to see them crumble at your feet? And now you're standing there, empty-handed?

Know this: God is ready to fill your empty hands like you would never believe, if you will only lift them up to Him in obedience and praise, as David did. God is still alive and well, and He knows what He's doing. To some He says yes. To others, no. In either case, the answer is best. Why?

Because God's answers, while surprising, are never wrong.

Wanted to share...

2008-05-14T08:23:00.001-05:00

WHEN GOD SAYS “NO”by Charles R. Swindoll

Read 2 Samuel 7:4--17

"David, you will know the delight of having a son by whom this temple will be built. Not through your efforts, but through your son the dream will be fulfilled."
It is not a question of sin here. It is not God's judgment that is coming upon David as a consequence of wrong. It is simply God's redirecting David's plan and saying, "This is a great resolve, but I say 'no' to you and I say 'yes' to your son. Now accept that."

Well, was David wrong to begin with---wrong in thinking of building the temple?
It is not a question of being wrong. It's a question of accepting God's "no" and living with the mystery of His will. We people on this earth package everything. And we expect God to package His plan for us just like we would. We want the logic that we use to be His logic. And when it isn't, we wonder what's wrong because it's not working out like we would have worked it out.
When God says no it is not necessarily discipline or rejection. It may simply be re-direction. You have pursued His will; you have wanted to do His will. With all good intentions you said, "By God's grace I am going to pursue this." And here you are, thirty or forty years later, or maybe only five years later, and it hasn't materialized.

Now if you listen to some people, you'll be put on a guilt trip. "You see there," they say, "you set your heart on God, but you have run from Him. You're out of His will." I don't know how many couples I have talked with who, early in their lives, had their life's plan all mapped out, but it didn't transpire. Perhaps the very road they are traveling is God's will for them, and it took His saying "no" to get them on that right road. Others were of little help.

The thing we have to do in our walk with God is to listen carefully from day to day. Not just go back to some decision and say, "That's it forever, regardless." We need to look at it each day, keep it fresh, keep the fire hot, keep it on the back burner, saying, "Lord, is this Your arrangement? Is this Your plan? If it is not, make me sensitive to it. Maybe You're redirecting my life."

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T20:09:00.002-05:00

We had a really nice Mother's Day. The kids, thanks to SuzAnne, got me flowers. And of course I got all the beautiful things they made for me at school. We were able to spend time with my grandparents and extended family as well. We made it home just in time for Mason to get sick. So far I've only been puked on once. Yes, I am a mother in the true sense of the word today.

This year is a little different for me than last. I can't even remember how I was feeling last year. I don't know if I was sad or not. I'm not really sad this year, just feeling a lot of pressure to be a mom and provide and all that goes along with that. Last year if I remember right, the only thing I was focused on was knowing in over a month, which ended up being less than two weeks, I was going to be having a baby. I was very focused on that June 6th delivery date. Who knew 9 days later little man would be here. He has been such a joy...they all have been to me. They have been great today. I've been trying extra hard today to soak in the hugs and kisses. I don't want to look back when I'm 70 and be upset with myself that I ever "wished" this time away. They're be grown and gone before I know it!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mom's out there!

6 months

2008-05-09T20:28:00.004-05:00

My mind works in 6 month increments. It used to work in monthly increments. Before that it was weekly and daily. I think that helps me to see how far I've come and hopefully shows me that it does get better in a pretty short amount of time. Looking back now, I'm totally and completely amazed. Not only do I look back, but I most definitely look forward. I always look into the next 6 months. I wonder what I'll be doing and wonder how much the kids will have changed. Because of all of this, I see my kids changing so much in even a short span of 6 months. They mature and grow so quickly. I really can't believe that when this all began Madi was 4 1/2 and Kyle was 2 1/2. And now my little man will be celebrating his 1st birthday in less than two weeks!!!

This has been a challenging week for me. What I was praying for didn't happen. I was pretty bummed, but in my heart of hearts I know it wasn't for me. If it would have been, I would have gotten it. It's taken me a whole lot of praying and talking to myself to realize that what I want isn't always what God wants. God will give me what I need and not what I want. And what I need will ultimately be better in the long run anyways.

I love being able to look back at situations and see where my unanswered prayers were actually all in God's hands, and how He uses those times to ultimately bring about something completely different and unexpected in my life and amazes me with it. Isn't that the best???

I'll be honest, I've been really impatient. To the point where I'm talking to God several times a day and saying, "Uhhh God, you do see this, right? You do understand the importance of this, right? Okay, just making sure."

I'll be really honest about something else too, and this one is a little harder for me to admit. I've been kind of angry, because somewhere along the line I got the idea that because I do have my challenges at times, God owed me. He needed to give me what I wanted because of the situation before me. I feel horrible for feeling that way, and have been completely humbled this week. And yet, He forgives me and just wants me to continue to trust Him. He DOES see what is before me, and He DOES know how I feel. He just needs me to trust Him, that He is in control and ultimately has my best interest in mind.

I have a picture of me and the kids on my fridge from Halloween. I like the picture. I look at it often and I look at myself. I see in myself a girl who was sooo tired. But yet I see a girl who had a spirit of great perseverance about her. She had come through so much in a short amount of time, but knew she still had a long ways to go. I don't look at that time with envy though and I bet 6 months from now, I won't look at this time with envy either. Just another period of growth. So while this time does still have it's challenges, it is important for me to look at these challenges and appreciate them for what they are...growth. And most importantly to trust God that He does understand it all and knows what the next 6 months will bring.

Life...

2008-05-05T19:56:00.002-05:00

Life is good. Mmmm...life for me right now has a lot of unknowns. I can't say that I really like the feeling of not knowing what is really going on, or what is going to happen. Who am I kidding, I don't like it at all. However, over the last couple of weeks I have learned very well to just let life unfold as it should. And I mean that in all areas...jobs, kids, dating, etc.

It's going to unfold regardless of what I do or by the kind of attitude I choose to have about all that is circling around me, but I guess I just have come to the conclusion that God is God, and He's the only one who's going to have the final say anyways. I can choose to have the faith I should that what He ultimately brings about in my life will be for the best, or I can choose to be upset when things don't go the way I would like them to. And it truly is a choice. So, I've just been really trying to wrap my heart, mind and will around that. I don't pray that my will is His will, but just the opposite. And that I may have complete peace in that. Not only peace, but excitement for that! Has God ever done something small? No! We may see it that way, but we would, because we can't understand it all. But He's God, and THAT is really all that matters.

Not Much to Say!

2008-05-01T20:54:00.003-05:00

This has been a busy week! My trip went good. We got there by noon and we were back in Lubbock by 8 that night. So we literally touched down, had a meeting and came home. Greater Home Land is also in Dallas and San Antonio and that is the reason I was there. I met my broker and the entire crew. We also met about a big auction that a builder is having in June. He is getting rid of 180 homes in the DFW and SA areas in about a 2 week span. Our mortgage company is the only lender that will be there to get everyone pre-approved. If you live in the area you will probably see bill boards and commercials all through May for it. It's a pretty big deal. There are I think about 8 of us that are licensed loan officers to do all of that. So one weekend in June I will be in Dallas and one weekend I will be in San Antonio. I will probably spend a few days in Dallas in between helping their processor, because there is no way she could do it all herself, and I'm the only other one of us who has processing experience. So June is liable to be kind of insane! But if everything goes good it could be a really good financial opportunity for me as well. I sure hope so anyways!

Sydney came home today. I got to see and hold her today. She is a cutie and that girl has got some fingers and toes on her! I have no idea where they came from. It's kind of crazy. Maybe Suz will post a picture of those things!

Everything else is going good...I've kind of been brain dead lately. Nothing really inspirational or insightful to say. Sorry if this is boring...just haven't been real bloggity!

2008-04-27T14:04:00.002-05:00

I love Sundays. I love church and so that would be my first reason why I love this day. Church was really good today too. So was class. I didn't go to my normal class. I went the "general" class and...well, loved it. My second reason for loving this day is because for over a year now my day for free time has always been on Sunday nights. So of course I love that. Not sure of my plans this evening...first I will go the hospital to see SuzAnne and then I'm not sure what I'll do.

I found out Friday evening that I have to go to Dallas tomorrow. I managed to get child care arranged and I'll fly out in the morning and then be back tomorrow night. I think I'll actually be there for like 4 hours. It almost seems pointless, but oh well. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be really busy too. So what started out as a week that I didn't think would have a whole lot going on, has changed very quickly. Isn't it always that way?

I do have a prayer request. On Wednesday I'm doing something important. Of course in my mind, I think it would just be perfect, but I know that it's the Lord's plan that always prevails. I'm trying really hard to just let God unfold His plan for my life, and some days that's a lot easier than others. In fact some days, that is is excruciating! So I ask for peace that whatever happens or doesn't happen, I will be okay with and understand that God is in control!

Not much else is going on...just waiting for Miss Sydney to get better so that she will be able to come home soon after SuzAnne does. Hope you all have a good week!

Sydney is here!

2008-04-25T20:04:00.004-05:00

Sydney Ann is here! She weighed 8 pounds and 2 ounces and is 23 inches long! A rather long little girl I will say! SuzAnne did end up having a C-section, because Sydney decided that she didn't want to turn back around, but they both did great. I don't want to give too many details, because it's her birth story, not mine...but I wanted to let you all know how things were.

Sydney is in NICU, but she is okay. We will know more tonight and tomorrow. Right now it's nothing to worry about, just for precautionary reasons. I was up there earlier, and went down to see her. It brought back the biggest flood of memories for me, and I have to say I'm a little weepy, because of it. I saw so many of the same nurses that were there almost a year ago when Mason was in NICU. I look back and am like, man how did I make it through all that alone!? That just goes to show you how Christ can really just carry you through anything, and He truly did! I'm so amazed by that very thing even more now! It's funny how you forget and then all of a sudden you're taken back to that emotional place again and you just feel it all over. Wow! God is great I do have to say! I have come so far...SO far.

Anyways...I can't wait to actually touch and hold my niece...my first niece!!! I'll keep you all updated.

The Joys of Motherhood...

2008-04-24T21:14:00.002-05:00

Tonight was Kyle and Mason's program at school. We stayed so that we could see them both perform, it was at the point that Mason coughed so hard that he passed gas that we left. Madi could not stop laughing at this hysterical moment. I can't say that I blame her much, that sounds like something I would have laughed hysterically at too, before I grew up into the mature woman that I am now. :) Yes, believe it or not, I am quite the well mannered girl...now.

On the way to the program Mason coughed so hard again that he puked up his dinner. Nice...so he was the smelly kid in the program...sticky too.

Yesterday I was in my room and I hear this crash in the kitchen and a voice from Kyle, "uh Mom, I just spilled my chocolate milk on the floor." Good thing I hadn't mopped. I've just decided not to mop for like 10 more years. Why? They're just going to keep spilling things. The same day we get in the car and Kyle looks at me and says again with his sweet little voice and massive baby blues, "uhhhh Mom, I just dumped my orange juice in your purse." Nice...this is why I don't have anything nice. Why would I? Maybe when I'm 40...maybe.

I just take it all in stride...they are all such a mess, but I oh how I love them and wouldn't trade any of them. I wouldn't mind a little more free time, but oh well...maybe someday.

If you're interested...

2008-04-24T10:40:00.002-05:00

Go here if you want to read something interesting. I think it's exactly what I'm talking about and/or feeling. I had to read it about 10,000 times and by the 9,999 time I finally got it. In fact, read his whole blog...some very interesting insight. A different situation than mine, but still makes you go hmmmm... The post I am talking about in particular is called "The Two Joys"...I may post later.

Keepin' it real

2008-04-21T19:59:00.004-05:00

Okay, so Jenni awarded me with a zooktastic award. You can click on her link to read about it. She nominated me, because she believes that in my blogging I make an effort to keep it real.

Hmmm...keepin' it real. I tell ya, I'm not feeling so zooktastic these days. I've been feeling pretty craptastic honestly. And it's my own fault...that's the frustrating part. Does anyone else besides me get frustrated with themselves on how they've handled a situation, especially when you know better? And yet, you STILL keep doing it? Please tell me I'm not the only glutton for punishment out there?

I have a song on my playlist called "Too Tender" by Caedmon's Call. That is my absolute favorite song of theirs. Not only is the music absolutely beautiful, but the words to me are very simple, yet powerful.

************

Too Tender

Water water everywhere

And I complain about my thirst

The prescription's in my hand

While the pain I curse

I know the longer

I know the harder

The walk will be

With my calloused feet

And my too tender knees

Stumbled upon the truth

Wished it'd get out of my way

When I see the light

I pull down the shade

If I were as smart as Christopher

I'd find a closet

If I were as weak as Samson was

I'd make a prophet

************

I've felt lately that God is just sitting beside me waiting, not really saying anything. He doesn't have to, because I know exactly what He's thinking and He knows that too. He knows that I know better, and I don't feel that He's looking down on me. I feel that He is compassionately just waiting for me to let go, so that He may show me exactly what He has in store for me. As I've learned so many times that when bold decisions are made, bold action follows.

A friend of mine who is a marriage and family therapist told me a couple of weeks ago a story about how they capture monkeys in foreign countries. They put a coconut filled with rice with a hole small enough for the monkeys to fit their hands into it out for the monkeys. Once they stick their hands into it they grab the rice, but aren't smart enough to know that they can't get their hands out without letting go of the rice. So they are captured and killed and they never got to enjoy the rice anyways. What a shame, and that's what we do as humans sometimes. It's a trap!

It reminds me of the story of the Israelites and how they came to the Red Sea and had no clue how God was going to part it.

"As Pharoah approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, and they said to Moses, "Why did you bring us here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn't we tell you this would happen while were still in Egypt? We said, 'leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It's better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!'

But Moses told the people, "Don't be afraid." Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.'" Exodus 14:10-14

I can't imagine how scary that was. I mean a huge body of water...that's pretty intimidating. Their thought process is what gets me. They looked at it like they would rather be captive than be dead. They couldn't see far enough in front of them to know that God had a bigger plan and purpose for them. And that's what we do, or I do a lot. It can be so easy to trade one captivity for another, and I don't have to. But that's the way I choose to live sometimes, when I could just let it go and know that God has a bigger plan and purpose for me! I shouldn't try to change it myself, or control it...but KNOW that God has a plan. And it's all a choice...good or bad. Sometimes it's hard to make good choices, but I don't want to chose to be captive. I've tasted the freedom and it's soooooo good. There is nothing like it and I don't ever want to go back to anything that keeps me from my true purpose in Christ.

Yesterday I was talking to SuzAnne and we were talking about some things going on with me and how I was feeling and here is how she responded, "Well that's pretty presumptious and unfaithful of you, don't you think?" Ouch...big kick in the shins from the big sister,but she was sooo right. Hello...I may have faith, but faith in what? You can have all the faith in the world and be putting it in the wrong thing.

Soooooo, in an effort to keep it real...I am going to be in prayer a lot. I am going to be doing some rebuilding and redirection. Just because we come through fire doesn't mean we don't occasionally slip and fall...or jump straight in with both feet. I'm so glad that I'm given second, third, and fourth chances...I will keep trying!

"I waited patiently for the Lord

He turned to me and heard my cry

He lifted me out of the slimy pit

He set my feet on a rock

He put a new song in my mouth."

Psalm 40

Good thoughts!!!

2008-04-18T09:41:00.001-05:00

This was in an email from the Pastor at Trinity Church. I thought it was really good.

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As I was thinking about Pope Benedict XVI being in the United States , it reminded me of what former Pope John XXIII said, “Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.” –Pope John XXIII

Potential is released in each of our lives by three things:
The knowledge you acquire
The character you develop
The principals you live by

Knowledge: “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.”
Hosea 4:6
Character: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’"
1 Corinthians 15:33
Principals (Standards): “Live by my standards, and obey my rules.
You will have life through them. I am the Lord.”
Leviticus 18:5

Begin to live up to your full potential in Christ!

A bit of houscleaning...

2008-04-17T19:56:00.004-05:00

It's been really busy around here. I feel like I've been running about 1,000 different directions. I'm not sure I'm getting it all done. I know I've forgotten a few things...like Madi's school program. I know they had been sending notes home, but it went right over my head! I figured it out yesterday afternoon that it was tonight. Oh well...we made it and she did great! She is such a performer. And I noticed during the program she was surrounded on the risers by all boys. It's the same way in her classroom. She usually always has to sit at the table with all boys. She doesn't get along as well with the girls. She is soooo her aunt's niece. (both of them!)

Kyle and Mason's program is next week. I can't wait for that. Mason's class has to wear their swimsuits...it's going to be sooooo cute. And then we have the baby dedication ceremony at church this Sunday. There have been 26 babies and all their parents that have RSVP'd to attend it. Holy cow...that's going to be a lot of us up there! I'm a little nervous about it for obvious reasons. And if it's not obvious...that would be because I'm a single mom. I don't worry about people looking at me, it's the just the emotional aspect. My mom is going to stand up there with me though. That will make it better for me. I will be fine...I'm looking at it as a celebration of the last phenomenal year of our life that we have made it through. Little man will be 1 year old in May!!! You better believe there will be a BIG ole' celebration for that birthday! I'm already planning it now, and you're all invited!

Things are good...they have been tough lately, but God has a plan. I've had a lot on my mind at times and not really been in a place to share. Honestly, not knowing how to share. Things are a little different now, and I'm feeling better...rejuvenated and hopeful.

I do have a prayer request...I don't want to be specific right now...but there is something that I am asking for and God is very aware of what it is. An opportunity of sorts has opened up that I really would like to pursue for many different reasons. Of course in my mind I think it would be absolutely wonderful...I'm just asking for patience and guidance and enough wisdom to know that if it's part of God's plan than it will come to be. If it's not, then there is something even greater out there for me.

Everything else is good...baby Sydney will be here next Friday if not sooner! I'm sooooo ready to have a little niece! I've never had one and I want to hold a baby really bad...and then give her back to her momma! :)

I hope you all have a good week and I will get around to posting the few things that I've been tagged on and the award. Thanks guys! :)

Now on to the real housecleaning...oh, I need a MAID!!!

Tag

2008-04-12T20:22:00.002-05:00

Changed...never to be the same.

The Rules:
1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want.
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
4. Tag at least five more blogs with links.
5. Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

My friend Susan tagged me. Her meme says, "She loved the word of God." I had to really think about this one! And I don't know it says on the bottom of the picture, but I think the picture alone says enough! I tag Lisa, Jennifer B, Jenni K, Traci, and Cheri. Hope y'all will play along! :)

Transitions...

2008-04-09T20:44:00.002-05:00

"I saw a friend who's a freelance writer and asked him what he was working on. 'Nothing right now,' he answered. 'You know how it is for freelancers. But at times like this I tell myself I'm 'between opportunities.' That way I don't have to feel I'm nowhere.'

There's often a tendency for us to hurry though transitions. We may feel that these transitions are "nowhere at all" compared to what's gone on or what we anticipate is next to come. But you are somewhere...you're 'between'"

(Please excuse my pathetic attempt to quote with in a quote...I don't know how to correctly do it.)

***********************************

"Transitions are almost always signs of growth, but they can bring feelings of loss. To get somewhere new, we may have to leave somewhere else behind."

***********************************

"Sometimes it surprises me to think that my work on that first children's program was almost by chance! Isn't it mysterious how so many wonderful things in life come to us seemingly without our planning? We start traveling down one street, and we find ourselves interested in something we never expected on a side street; and as we explore it, the side street becomes the main road for us."

All of the above is from Mister Rogers. I think he rocks.

Can you tell I've been reading a lot??? Man, I've just been soaking up lots of different things. I identify with all of this. I do feel in transition between a lot of things right now...physically, mentally, spiritually (most of all), and I also have to admit I'm hurting a little because of it. Normally, I would see that as bad. Why does transition have to hurt? I don't really have an answer, I am however choosing to look at it this way: transition is growth, and growth is from God. In light of that, I'm trying my hardest to take all that I feel (good and bad) and look at it on a spiritual level and know that God is doing something with it. I don't know what, and I have to get it through my stubborn human head, that I don't have to know. I do however, have to have faith to believe that He is taking my history somewhere. That path may be unconventional...in fact I'm pretty sure it is, and therefore I wouldn't understand if it was revealed to me anyways, but I'm going somewhere. I NEED TO TAKE REST IN THAT. I NEED to live by what I know, and NOT by what I feel.

DEFINITELY a work in progress...

On another note...my MIL's surgery went well. Things look really good. And my friend...God is working and things look like they might turn out differently that originally thought. I kind of thought so, honestly. There are those marriages that face divorce and shouldn't. I don't believe in divorce, but there are some marriages that are doomed from the start (like mine) and there are those that things just need to be worked on and worked out. I think any and every marriage could fall into those two categories. That's why I was so shocked when I heard the news! I'm happy for them, and at first was a little sad for myself. Why couldn't mine have turned out differently? And ya know, with complete and total honesty, God has a better plan for me and I know it. I don't know that plan, that plan may or may not include marriage someday. I'm actually not even talking about marriage when I'm talking about a God ordained "plan". I'm talking about something bigger than that...the bigger picture. I have a REALLY big dream in my heart for a lot of things. I think it's time I started focusing on that. God didn't bring me here "just because", He intended much more than that for me...you too.

Words to say...

2008-04-08T19:27:00.003-05:00

I had a really good day today. A really good spiritual day and despite what I'm about to say, I'm still am having a good spiritual day.

I got some news today that I'm just torn up about. I got an email from a friend today at about 2 p.m. and I haven't been the same. This friend is starting the journey that I did over a year ago. We talked on the phone for a while and I knew her story all too well. She has small children too. I'm just sick about it. I'm in complete and total shock. I'm hurting for her, because I know how broken up she is. I know how confused and lost she is. I kind of relived my experience just listening to her. I'm really just speechless about it.

Again, it's a situation I don't understand. And because I don't really have anything to say but that I don't understand, but God does, I want to write a passage from Beth Moore's book, "Get Out Of That Pit". I read this book last year and through this book found a peace that only God can provide. (It's kind of long...but it's good)

And by the way, friend...this book is on it's way to you. I love you.

"Somewhere along the way, Joseph decided not only to look up also to point up. His decision to view God as entirely sovereign and ultimately responsible was not the death of him. It was the life of him. Why? Because he knew God could only be good and do right. The words Joseph spoke over his guilty brothers have been medicine to many sick souls were willing to swallow them whole: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish that what is now being done, the saving of many lives" (Genesis 50:20)

Take a good look at the word intended. It comes from the same Hebrew word translated "think" in Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope". God thinks of His children continually. And when God thinks of His children, He only thinks in terms of what can be used toward our good, toward His plan for us, and toward the future. His intentions can only be pure. Right. Full of hope. Promoting peace. Listen carefully. God did not haphazardly or accidentally let Joseph's brothers throw him in the pit. He had already thought it out in advance. Considered it. Weighed it. Checked it against the plumb line of the plan. He had looked at the good it could ultimately accomplish, the lives that could be helped and even saved. Then and only then, in His sovereign purpose He did permit such harm to come to His beloved child. Had the incident not possessed glorious purpose, God would have disarmed it."

*********************

I'm always a little careful when trying to comfort someone. I know that not everyone sees things the way I do...and further more, I'm not an expert on pain or suffering. I just know what I've experienced and what I've learned from it. What I am an expert on is knowing that no matter what God's plan will prevail.

This is what I've decided about trying to understand pain: This world will never provide understanding. It can't, because it's broken. Maybe someday I will get that through my head, but probably because I'm human, I will still keep searching for some sort of understanding.
I truly believe the above passage though...and we all know what happened to Joseph and how his story ended too...divine purpose. If there is no divine purpose, then there is no point, and if there is no point, then there is no life. And we all know there is a life...Christ's life...eternal life.

Say a prayer for my friend and her family. They all need to covered in prayer. Say a prayer for my mother in law too. She won't be able to come down for Madi's party after all, because she is going to have to have emergency surgery to remove a cyst that is on her spine. They think it is benign, but still prayers for the whole situation are needed. Thank You!

I needed this...

2008-04-07T19:13:00.003-05:00

The following was written by Dr. Charles Swindoll. It's called "People Panic...God Provides"

Please read it all the way to the bottom...I think it's amazing!!!

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Read 1 Samuel 15:1--19
The tragic story of King Saul is that he never, ever fully repented of his sin. Saul's greatest concern was his image, how he looked before the people. Even after Samuel gave him a break, Saul took advantage of it and continued in that same vein until the day he took his own life. How sad is that?

Samuel has reached the end of his rope. The people elected Saul king, but he's no longer qualified. What are they to do? Israel is surrounded by enemies, and they need someone to carry the scepter. But who? Samuel didn't know and couldn't imagine. The people didn't know and had no suggestions. No one knew . . . except God.

What Samuel didn't realize---what we often don't realize---is that behind the scenes, before He ever flung the stars into space, God had today in mind. He had this very week in mind. In fact, He had you in mind. And He knew exactly what He was going to do. God is never at a loss to know what He's going to do in our situations. He knows perfectly well what is best for us. Our problem is, we don't know. And we say to Him, "Lord, if You just tell me, then I'll be in great shape. Just reveal it to me. Explain Your plan to me, and I'll count on You." But that's not faith. Faith is counting on Him when we do not know what tomorrow holds.

When a man or a woman of God fails, nothing of God fails. When a man or woman of God changes, nothing of God changes. When someone dies, nothing of God dies. When our lives are altered by the unexpected, nothing of God is altered or unexpected. It was the prophet Isaiah who wrote: "Before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear" (Isaiah 65:24).

"Before you even utter a word," God promises, "I'm involved in answering. In fact, while you're speaking, I'm involved in bringing to pass the very thing I have planned from the get go."
God knows exactly what He's going to do, and nothing can restrain His bringing it to pass.

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Oh my goodness...I needed this today sooooo bad. I always get these daily emails (that I never open) from Insight for Living, which is associated with Dr. Swindoll. This morning, my negative self, (an attitude I have been struggling with for a couple of weeks now off and on) decided to open this one. I'm so glad I did. I was actually sitting at the computer talking to myself saying, "Oh dear Lord, I need some good insight." It gave me some PEP to remember what I already know and have learned during my "dark time" (Which would be what I refer to as the time of going through my divorce)

I admit that I have not been my Positive Polly self lately. I have been very aware of that, and frustrated with myself because of it. I don't cut myself much slack, not in the attitude department anyways. I may and may not be a lot of things, but I have learned full well how far a good attitude can bring you. I have just felt like I've been in a spiritual fog of sorts. I even left church frustrated on Sunday. I got to class to hear our class leader be really open and honest with us about how long she probably had left to live. On top of that she just found out her Dad has cancer too and has 6 months to live. Rick and Robin were the one's who took our group to Ruidoso in November and I have just looked up to her so much as a once single mom and now remarried. They have two kids ages 9 and 11. That makes me sad, and I don't understand that.

Then I went into worship and mistakenly sat next to a man with body odor. Again...frustrated and most of all...DISTRACTED. Then Barry wasn't preaching. A professor from A.C.U. was and bless his heart his message was good, but I couldn't tell you what he said. Once again, DISTRACTED. I have been spiritually distracted for a while...well, not just spiritually...in every way distracted. I've been asking myself, "what's wrong with you Larissa??? Where's the optimism?" I still haven't figured out what my deal has been, but this just gave me a BIG reminder of who God really is and why it's important for me to remember, THAT HE IS IN CONTROL. All the things I worry about...TAKEN CARE OF...the tears I have shed...HEARD...the things that make me angry...LISTENED TO...the heart of mine that still breaks...MENDED...my faith that wavers...RESTORED AND REDEEMED.

Now tell me why I doubt??? I don't know...I don't know, because I know all of the above is true and the lies that satan so desperately wants to distract me with are worth nothing, but misery and pain. God has changed my heart too much to go back to a place where I feel captive to anything satan has to offer. I'm telling you that little snake is relentless!!! If he can't try and get you one way, he will try another!

I've been thinking a lot about God's discernment. By the way, I love that word. I have to be wise enough to know when God is speaking to me. And furthermore, I have to obey. It's not always fun. Sometimes, it hurts, but what hurts worse? Not listening and doing what I want selfishly, and then ultimately being hurt even worse in the end? I need to listen and obey, KNOWING that God has a better plan. No, I don't see the outcome and boy I wish I could. That has been part of my bad attitude lately. I just wish that God would give me a glimpse to suffice the desires I have, and He's not...at all. He instead is making me stretch my faith to know that although I can't see a thing, I can only see Him and know that He is in control. Blah...I want to throw a tantrum, but that won't do anyone any good. I have to pick myself up and understand that there is a better plan, a perfect plan, but I have to be patient enough to wait for it.

So this is me...working on my attitude...a continual work in progress.

6 years ago...

2008-04-03T20:23:00.002-05:00

I was fat, unhappy and praying that I would go into labor at any given time. I was only 1 day passed my due date, but that 1 day was 1 day too many for me. I was soooo sick with her. I was still puking off and on even in the last week of pregnancy. I would do alright for a while, and then for any given reason, I would lose it again. One of my favorite stories is the time when I was waiting for Nathan to get off work we were going to go have dinner. I was hungry while I was at the house, so I was eating a bag of potato chips. What I didn't realize was that the bag of potato chips was sitting at the end of the coffee table being filled with dripping wax from a candle that I knocked over and was too lazy to pick up. I kept thinking, "why do these chips taste like potpourri?" As soon as I saw the candle I put it all together and got sick at my stomach. The rest is history.

Then there was the growing growth on my face that I had to have removed. It has a technical name in which I can't pronounce, but here I am 4 stitches later. That was traumatic!!! They told me it would go away after she was born. Well I wasn't about to walk around with this thing that would bleed profusely if touched. It was so disgusting. I almost hyperventilated having it removed. I had to walk around the dermatologists office for a little bit just to get the strength to get it done.

I could tell you more throw up stories...I won't. I'm just kind of going down memory lane here. I just can't believe my baby girl will be 6 years old tomorrow!!! It just doesn't even seem possible. She is one amazing girl, and I just know that she is going to grow up to be something spectacular. God has blessed her in so many ways, and in turn blessed me. I'm going to go to school tomorrow to have lunch with her, and then we'll be together as a family tomorrow night. Next weekend is when her party is. She doesn't know it, but her grandma from Nebraska is coming down to surprise her. I will post some pics tomorrow of my birthday girl...Happy Birthday Madelyn Grace!!!

Turtles and such

2008-03-31T08:39:00.003-05:00

Happy Monday morning. Our weekend was good. It was busy as usual. We had a birthday party to go to for our friend's Eric and Roxanne's little boy, Jacob. He turned one! The kids had a good time.

Then there was church yesterday, which I am always thankful for. What would I do without church??? I'm always so glad to be there and be a part.

Yesterday afternoon the kids spent time with their dad. It had been the first time in 3, almost 4 weeks I guess since they had seen him or talked to him. He blames me, because I won't let him come to my house. I still believe I did the right thing, and don't doubt my decision AT ALL. Ya know, I always think about the things I choose to post about, because I believe they have to serve a purpose in order for me to say something about them. I DO NOT want to ever come across as a bitter, angry ex-wife. I'm not one, so why say things that don't really need to be said? I'm choosing to talk about this for the simple reason that I ask for prayers in this situation. I'm treading on new water here with knowing how to handle it, what to say, what not to say, and I do need spiritual guidance. I'm looking to God and surrendering all, because I don't know the first thing to do in trying to do it right...by myself anyways.

My ex-husband has decided to introduce the kids to his girlfriend. I say introduce, but he doesn't have to, because they already know her. Yes, for those who are close friends of mine...it would be THAT ONE. Now, I am not hurt at all by the situation. I got over that a long time ago. What I am sad for is my little girl. Yes, I'm sad for Kyle too...but right now, he's completely oblivious to everything that has happened and is happening. Madi on the other hand isn't so much. Yesterday was the first day that they spent time with the both of them. And he told her that they were getting married. He told me that a couple of weeks ago too. I am fine if that's what he wants to do. I have moved on too, so it's okay. But what I DO want is stability for my kids. I want a sense of normalcy for them, as much as I possibly can provide anyways. I think I do the best job I can at doing that, it's all these lovely other factors that come into play that mess me up sometimes.

They took Madi and Kyle shopping for her birthday (it's this Friday) and to lunch and then brought them home. Now, I fortunately was not a witness to any of this. I wasn't home. Sundays are my days off in the afternoons, so I was away. I'm really glad. I wondered how brave he was going to be...if he was going to bring her to my house. He did, but Ashley (my sitter) said she stayed in the car. She and I at one time were good friends, so I would say that she knows better than to come around me. I'm not like that. I'm not a fighter. Well, at one time I would have...oh boy, would I have. Fortunately...fortunately...fortunately...I was pregnant. That would have been a great episode for Jerry Springer, but here in the real world I just did the best I could to get past it. And I did a fine job, ALL BECAUSE OF GOD. Man, I owe him a lot for the beautiful power of grace and forgiveness. I have forgiven, but still I can't say we'll be going shopping together anytime soon. Like I said, I just don't want my kids hurt. I hate that I even have to have "those kinds" of conversations with my kids.

Overall from what I understand, I think things went well. He bought Madi tons of toys and then dropped them off, and I'm not sure when they'll see him again. You've heard this kind of scenario a 1,000 times. I guess what I'm mostly upset about is that they bought her a turtle. A LIVE turtle. I'm not a reptile person. I now have a large aquarium to put together, and an animal to keep alive. I already have three animals. Why would I need another? I would say I feel, but I KNOW this was a completely back handed move on his part to make my life harder. It doesn't shock me at all. It's completely typical of him. Normally I would call him and ask him how to do this and let him know how frustrated I am that he did that. Not this time...instead I will figure it out for the sake of my daughter.

I don't think that I'm perfect...at all. I have done plenty of things wrong. I struggle with my attitude in this situation constantly. I struggle DAILY, HOURLY to be a good parent. IT'S HARD. I don't think it comes natural at all for me. I really feel that my parenting skills are something I need to pray about more and make a focus on each and every day.

I don't really know how my kids are doing. I know people tell me how great they are, and how far they've come. I will agree there...they have improved drastically. There are still so many areas that I need strength in to help them be better little people. As I've had to learn myself to role with the punches, even when it's sad, I want them to learn that too. I can sit and have a pity party, or I can get up and move on...keep going...keep fighting...and persevere. Then there's times when I feel I need to just love more. Be more caring, more compassionate. I guess somewhere in there I need to find a balance. But really, don't all parents struggle with that? I know I'm not alone, just because I'm a single parent.

I say all of this to ask for prayers and I journey through all of this...it's a continual process that has given me a little bit of a curve ball, but as I want to teach them to keep going and re-direct; I have to as well. I know that there are so many people who love me and my kids and support us in numerous ways. I'm so thankful...so incredibly thankful, AND SO BLESSED.

In reference to my last post, I do know that God is working. Thanks to you all...those were some insightful comments! And through you, I learned a lot. I do believe God is working...really big right now. I FEEL it, and I can't wait to be able to share what I have experienced through it. Maybe even if I see a blessing through something so unconventional, like a turtle or something. Who knows...stranger things have happened.

Hmmm...

2008-03-28T19:36:00.003-05:00

I'm not really sure what this post is about. It's about an assortment of things. Maybe I can manage to pull all my thoughts together. Or maybe not and you can just read it for what it is.

The ole' analytical brain of mine is working way overtime right now. I was writing in my journal and got an interruption from Sheila. She's in town and she wanted me to go to lunch with her tomorrow. I am sooo glad she's here and I'm so glad I get to see her. I just broke down and started crying. I know she's someone I can be completely honest with about life. I can tell her exactly how I'm feeling and she doesn't judge me one bit. She's always been a real friend to me.

I try to explain what's wrong with me...yeah, there's this and that, but those are all just surface issues. What's the meat of the issue? It's my faith. I'm still struggling with the Point A to Point B kinds of things. I know I will get to point B, the "how" is just killing me and I don't know why I can't just get it that it's all going to work out. I really believe in my heart of hearts that satan is working triple time on me. He is clouding me so bad that he wants me to give up before I have even started playing the game. Why? Because he doesn't want me to get to point B. I think about that quote from Joyce Meyer that I love, "Feel the fear and do it afraid." Break through the barriers of fear, do what is hardest and you will be rewarded greatly. I have to...I have to...I have to. And I guess if I cry the whole way, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with me being fearful, as long as don't let the fear stop me.

I've been thinking about something else to. I said before how God works in such mysterious ways. I think we all have our ideas of what is good and bad and what should happen and shouldn't, but God has never been conventional. I often think about how I used to pray for Nathan and pray that he would someday choose to take the role of spiritual leader in our family. I have journals and journals full of this prayer. I read the book by Stormie Omartian, "The Power of a Praying Wife"...I prayed...a lot. And I often wondered what happened. I really don't think I questioned God, I just didn't understand. Not only did my marriage fail, but I also kind of felt I had failed spiritually.

I've had a little bug in my brain about this very thing this week, because now I'm starting to see how maybe although I looked at that situation and thought I failed, or that it was hopeless, God could have been using that very ugly situation to fix something within it that desperately needed to be fixed. I've seen and experienced a whole lot of ugly things that I've never shared on here. I've always wondered what good could come from it, but I think maybe I am now beginning to see how God can use the biggest pile of poo and transform things in the most unconventional of ways.

A couple of months ago I received a compliment that touched me so much. I ran into someone who I know as an acquaintance, but I do not know her well. We've just always smiled each other in passing on the occasions that we have seen each other. She came up to me and told me that started reading my blog a year ago and anytime she has a bad day, she reads it. I didn't even know that she knew I had a blog. I didn't really know what to say, but was completely honored that she even felt that way. Sheila pretty much just told me the same thing. I don't say that egotistically, I say that because, when I'm struggling, what do I do? I have to look to the one thing that is the source of my encouragement. The driving force behind everything I do and have done for the last year and a half...God. I'll be really honest, it's a lot easier to sit behind this computer screen and "be faithful" The hard work is the doing and standing behind what you say. I'm always a little caught off guard when I know someone has read my blog, especially when it's been a real personal post. I'm still SO embarrassed about the time at Cari's lingerie shower when I broke down crying in the kitchen to poor Julie. I think it was in August and that was pretty much the month from HELL for me. Let's see...off the top of my head here's all what happened in that month: Mason was sooo sick, he wasn't gaining weight, he had an ear infection, upper respiratory infection, and MRI, an upper GI, a stomach bug for 12 days, a trip to the ER, a trip to the dr. once a week, Madi started K-garten, I had to fly to Dallas for my loan officer classes, I had to pass the test in that month and have all my stuff in to the state before Sept. 1, Nathan had dropped off on child support, my air conditioner in my car broke, oh yeah and we moved and packed in 2 days. I think that was it. I laugh about it now...man, that was a bad month. So at Cari's shower I'm talking to Julie and I had just posted something that was really personal to me, and I knew she read it. I just started balling. Now a lot of you know Julie and know what a precious person she is. That was probably the nicest person that could have been listening to me vent. My point though is that it's easier to sit here and be faithful...it's so much harder to walk the walk. But the talk isn't any good without the walk. And I have to...I have no choice...not an acceptable one anyways.

I guess that all goes back to the unconventional ways that God works. Sometimes I'm just lucky enough to get to see and understand a little bit better...sometimes I'm not. satan wants my faith so bad, which helps me to realize that it must be really valuable, because he wouldn't want it otherwise. When is he ever going to learn? I struggle, but I'm not giving up. I will keep trying.

"Abraham never waivered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. And because of Abraham's faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn't just for Abraham's benefit. It was recorded for our benefit too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead." Romans 4:20-25

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with love."

Romans 5:3-5

I could go on and on in this chapter and find a few more chapters that apply, but I'm going to stop here. Now if you will excuse me while I go have a good cry. :) And I really do say that with a smile. I'm okay...just thinking a lot, and in the process being forced to stretch and grow. Man, just when I thought I couldn't stretch anymore.

New Week

2008-03-27T15:25:00.003-05:00

I started my new job on Tuesday. I feel more than ever that I made the right decision. I'm still nervous, but it's more of a nervous excitement. I feel (and know too) that this is where God wants me right now. I've said before that open doors always lead to other open doors. And that's really the truth. Who knows what will happen, but as every other opportunity had led me to another...this is the same way. So, I'm where God wants me, now I just have to have the faith that the right people will come into my path to lead me where I need to go next.

My mom is coming over this afternoon so I can go get my hair done. Colt and SuzAnne are doing that for my birthday. I've had a hard time deciding if I want to stay blond or go darker. I think I've decided to stay blond for the summer. I may darken it some when it gets cooler. I can't have the same hair color all the time. It's just too boring to me.

I know you all want to see Easter pics...they're all on SuzAnne's camera. I will get them from her soon and get them posted.

Everything else is going good. Kids are good. Mason seems to be doing better, besides the teeth that is. His top four are still trying to come in at once. He's still been waking up at night, but it hasn't been that bad.

Honestly, I've had a lot on my mind this week. I might elect to talk about it later, I might not. Either way, it's been a week of new things and new experiences. Some good, some not. Well, I say it's not good. Who really is to say if it's good or not. I've just decided that things I used to look at and wonder what good could possibly come from it...who knows? God works in sooo many mysterious ways. This yet could be another way He's working. I am, however, fine...I'm great. I am just still continually being stretched spiritually and I know that the only thing that can come from that is good.

My Birthday

2008-03-23T22:54:00.002-05:00

I am so exhausted. It has been a whirlwind of a 24 hours for me. I'm fixing to crash, but I just wanted to tell everyone thanks. So many of you called, texted, emailed...you name it...to wish me a Happy Birthday. Thanks so you all. I had the BEST birthday I could have ever asked for. I am so blessed by my wonderful friends and family.

I had a great time with Brent last night. He still wasn't feeling too great, but he still managed to cook me a great dinner. I don't believe I've shared what a MAGNIFICENT cook he is. The boy has some big skills to say the least. He got the kids and I flowers for Easter, and then got me gift certificates to Kohl's and Starbucks...two of my favs!!! And the sweetest card ever. I'm really liking this boy a lot. And I'm pretty sure he's liking me a lot too.

Tonight he cooked me an AWESOME dinner too. Every Sunday night he cooks out and several friends come over. I love this about him...he loves to entertain. At one point he said, "do y'all want to do karaoke?" I thought he was joking. No...he wasn't. He comes downstairs with an amplifier and microphone. So for like 2 hours tonight all we did was sing. It was hilarious.

He made the day sooo special for me.

I also had a great time with my family at church this morning, and then at lunch today. Overall, it was the best birthday I remember. I'm so incredibly thankful for all that is happening in my life, and all the hope I have for great things to continue! So thanks to you all for playing a part...y'all are the best!!!

Is spring break over yet?

2008-03-22T09:48:00.003-05:00

Okay, so the time is winding down. I'm ready. I'm ready for things to move back into a "normal" state. The kids have done great, but momma needs a break.

We made a quick trip to the Dr. on Thursday afternoon with Mason. He's had something wrong with him for a couple of days now. I say something, because I wasn't sure what. Possibly ears, teething, something viral, or maybe a combination of all three. It looks like it may be a combination. Really, I think it's mostly teeth. His four top teeth are trying to come in. His mouth is just swollen, and you can see right where they're all trying to come in. He has just been a bear!!! She did put him on antibiotics, because his ears were red and looking like they might become infected. The viral issues have gone away...so now if we can just get these teeth in!!! He hasn't been sleeping very well, which means I haven't either.

Brent has been sick too. All I know is I have a babysitter showing up at 7 tonight, and I'm doing something. There will be fun somewhere and I will be with it. I'm just praying these two people heal up, so that I can go and not worry and then have fun with the other one!

Hump Day

2008-03-19T13:32:00.002-05:00

The week is half way over...and ya know, it's been really good. I've actually felt like a stay at home mom this week, and ENJOYED it. I've said before, I've never been one that could stay home all the time without having something to do work wise...well this week has just been nice to focus on family totally. It doesn't look like the zoo trip will work, because my mom had to have a tooth pulled today at the last minute and today was the only day that would have worked for us. We have, however, managed to fill up our week with lots of other things. My house is clean too! I've got a few other things to do to it, but for the most part, it's the cleanest it's been in a really long time!!! Next is to tackle my car and garage. I may save the garage for later though, that doesn't sound all that thrilling to me. I think I need a dump truck for that one. It's really not that bad, I've just got soooo much to go through. I'm drowning in baby clothes and toys and things like that. It was just a little over a year ago, that I had a mass exodus of stuff donated to Concho. I didn't think I had gained that much back, especially in the limited amount of space we had back then. It's just amazing how much stuff little babies have!

Tomorrow night I'm going to dinner with friends and then Saturday night Brent is taking me out for my birthday. Sunday is Easter and also my 30th Birthday!!! My parents are going to church with me, and then we're eating at Colt and SuzAnne's house and having an egg hunt. Oh, and for all you weather watchers, Sunday is the coldest day this week. I don't know why I would expect any different though. I think that happens every year on Easter. That's alright, we'll just be cold, but look real cute in all of our short sleeves and sandals.

I hope y'all are all having a good Spring Break!!!

Spring Break

2008-03-16T13:38:00.003-05:00

It's Spring Break...which I'm a little anxious about I have to say. No where in those two words implies a break of any sort for me, it actually makes things more "challenging" on me, but creativity is the key! Fortunately for me this week, I don't have much work to do. Since I don't have child care I won't be starting at Greater Homeland until next week, so this week I just have mostly kid things to do. Which really is nice. We can kind of be foot loose and fancy free to do whatever. Sometimes it's hard for me to enjoy that and just be with my kids, so I think it will be good for all of us. I'm sure there will be daily trips to the park, mall play area...any sort of place like that. Mom and I are planning a trip to Buffalo Springs Lake to have a picnic with the kids, we are thinking of going to Abilene to the zoo one day, (Sheila, I'm calling you soon!!!) and then my grandmother wants to take Madi and Kyle shopping at Alco one day. That will be hilarious! (for me anyways) So, we got some things we're going to do and just learn to enjoy each other. Maybe I can turn off my mom-o-meter a little bit and chill out.

Things are going good. Brent and I are still talking. I don't like to say a whole lot about it at this point, for different reasons. He knows I have a blog, but as he said, he doesn't "get" blogs. There are the bloggers and there are the non-bloggers. He would fall into the "non-blogger" category. I've been having a lot of fun getting to know him, and just appreciate him for so many different reasons. I don't know if I've said this, but he doesn't have kids. So, the whole idea of me having kids is somewhat of a hangup for me. He, however, seems to be doing really well with it. It's really just an adjustment for me and I'm having to learn to have all of those kinds of things come together. It's not easy, I will say. I've also discovered though, that I would rather put myself out there at the risk of it not working out, then not do it at all. That's not really a way to live. No, I don't want to get hurt, but I'm not going to spend the rest of my life ducking out, because I'm afraid of that. So, we are both just taking it one day at a time and learning more about each other, and seeing where it goes.

That's about it for now. I hope you all have a good break!

Time

2008-03-12T13:46:00.002-05:00

I picked up my Bible today, and just opened where I had my church bulletin. It was in the section of Ecclesiastes that talks about time.

"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can."

I needed to read this today. I easily get caught up in "me" and what's going on in my life...what I like, what I don't like. And really, does it matter? Should I not just take today for what it is and be happy with the time I have. It all changes so quickly anyways, why not enjoy today? :)

Big Day

2008-03-10T20:46:00.003-05:00

Today has been a big day for me. I had two big conversations. One was with my ex-husband. He wanted a divorce, and I gave him a divorce. So now I want my divorce, so I did just that today. I told him that he's not allowed to watch the kids at my house anymore. He needs to follow the divorce decree and see the kids when he's legally allowed to, and at his house. That didn't go over too well. I didn't expect it would. Which basically means that I will now have to find babysitters when I want free time, because I don't have a whole lot of faith in him to take upon himself to see his children. But for myself, I had to. I've had entirely too many affirming moments from God here lately that I must do that. I've been too nice, too long. He needs to move out of my life completely, so that I can move on completely too.

My other big conversation was one with my boss. I've decided to leave my current job and move to another broker. I was offered this position a couple of weeks ago (this would be the big decision I had been thinking about a few weeks ago) at Greater Home Land Mortgage. They are from Dallas and have been there 9 years. They came to Lubbock two years ago to work with Classic Century Homes, which is a pretty big builder here in Lubbock. Well the loan officer that has been there has since then really diversified himself and is working with a whole lot of people here. How I came to know him is kind of funny, but now we've become pretty good friends. I'm really excited about this. Everyone who now knows about this and knows him, is really excited too. I won't be processing anymore. That was the scary part to me. I will be originating full time. I will still have my flexible schedule and be able to be home as well, but my business will come from contacts, referrals, builders, realtors...and all those kinds of things. So...think of me if you want to get a home loan. The way I see it, if I can beat the rate and terms you are being offered with your current lender, then why wouldn't you use me??? And, it doesn't have to be in Lubbock. I can lend anywhere in Texas. I'm really excited. I like the vision Greater Home Land has, and long term I think this is going to be great for me. I will probably start next week sometime. My office will still be in the same building, and I'm really excited about that too. I really like where I'm at.

So it was just a big day! I am at peace with so much of everything. I'm walking in that straight line keeping my focus where it should be and having faith about it all. Like I said, I still don't know the "how", but that's alright...God does!!!

Rejuvenated

2008-03-09T13:59:00.003-05:00

The concert was great! Our seats were sooooo awesome. They were on the risers just by the section on the floor. We went with a group of his friends. I had a lot of fun...before, during, and after! I've been having a lot of fun with him...he's a pretty neat guy.

Church was awesome this morning!!! AWESOME!!! For me, it affirmed everything that I've been thinking and feeling lately about a lot of areas in my life. I'm normally supposed to volunteer in the nursery on this Sunday of the month, but there weren't as many kids there this morning, so I got to go to worship, and I'm soooo glad I was there. Barry used the illustration of people walking in circles. What are they doing? Walking in circles. Where are they going? Nowhere. But with God we walk forward, and God is taking history somewhere. Yes! Yes! Yes! I've just had some real epiphanies lately, that have pushed me forward to continue walking the way I need to. I can sometimes get sidetracked and start to walk in circles, but that's not where I want to stay. Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well there are some areas of my life that need some fine tuning, because I have allowed myself to get in a rut and act "insane."

So, yeah...that's where I'm at these days. All in all, I'm doing great. I'm having fun, and I have sooo much peace in my life about EVERYTHING. I still don't know the "how" on lots of things, but like the title of my blog, it's all "One Day At A Time." I hope you all have a great week!

Holy Cow...

2008-03-07T14:05:00.002-06:00

Where has this day gone??? This was supposed to be a pretty care free day for me. I was going to do a little cleaning, working, getting ready for tonight...etc., etc. It's 2p.m. and I haven't gotten the kids things packed yet, I just sat down to eat lunch, and I'm still not done with work. I have to pick up Madi from school in an hour and drop them all off at the baby sitter's house by 4, to be at Brent's house by 5. And I'm blogging, because?????????? Ha, because I'm excited!!! I'm having fun tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See y'all!

Voting...

2008-03-05T08:49:00.003-06:00

I hope you all took your patriotic duty seriously yesterday and voted. If you're in Texas anyways. This election to me is pretty intriguing this go around. Yesterday when I went and voted it was interesting to me the people that were there. It seems it has brought people from all walks of life out. I'm not exactly sure if it's for all the right reasons, but I think it's nice that maybe it has stirred some emotion in some of us anyways.

Madi wanted me to vote for the girl. I'm not saying who I voted for, but I did what I never thought I would do, I will say that. Looks like a lot of us did!

And really the way I see it, isn't God still king? When it comes down to it, does it really matter who's president, because last time I checked God was still in control. So, I'm not working myself into any sort of panic over something that I see that God has the last word on anyways! :)

I'm sooooo excited!!!

2008-03-01T08:36:00.003-06:00

Guess who is going to the George Strait concert this week??? Yes, that would be me!!! I'm so excited!!! Brent is taking me, yes, that's his real name. I decided I would say his name, I don't think he'll care. I've spent enough time with him, that I think he's earned that. I did after all earn a spot in his driveway, so I thought I'd return the favor. :) So I'm way pumped!!! I don't know what to wear though, I'm not country at all...I just like George Strait. I mean really, who doesn't??? So if you have any suggestions, please help!!!

Today is Saturday and can I just tell you that I am looking forward to this day. Normally I honestly dread the weekends, because they're harder on me. But today the ONLY thing I have to focus on are the kids...finally. ALL week long it's been one thing after another, but today it's just the kids. We are staying home...I made them pancakes for breakfast...now they're playing and I'm cleaning. And that sounds heavenly to me today! Everyone kept telling me to just enjoy the kids when it's stressful, and I haven't been able to at all. But I have a huge sigh of relief today and I'm enjoying the peace. And yes, I have peace today, although I am with an almost 6 year old, 3 1/2 year old, and a 9 month old. I'm thankful I have that today! And I have to admit that the excitement of seeing George Strait helps a little bit, and I wouldn't want to go with anyone else but my date. Things are good. :) Have a good weekend!!!

Timing

2008-02-27T19:23:00.005-06:00

God's timing is also so perfect. Today, I was driving and I just all of a sudden remembered something back from about a year ago, and I thought to myself, "oh my goodness, that doesn't hurt me anymore." Those things that I questioned if I would ever be able to heal from. Which then led to several other thoughts that I hadn't thought about in light years it seems, and I just became so appreciative for this time in my life. Which then reminded me that, yeah things are stressful, but they're okay. They're WAY okay, compared to where they used to be. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR HAVING THE OPPORTUNITY TO CELEBRATE THE STRESS I HAVE NOW. That may sound a little strange, but it's so very true. And I suppose the things I find stressful right now, this time next year won't be all that bad! Outlook is everything! That's all for now...hope you're all doing well!

My date

2008-02-24T16:01:00.004-06:00

I had fun last night. He brought me flowers when he picked me up. How sweet, I know, right??? My married friends all tell me that they are going to live vicariously through me now. I had a very nice time. He is such a nice guy. He is older than me...almost 8 years to be exact. I find the maturity very refreshing. And that's all I'm going to say about that right now! :)

And if you're wondering if that was the "drama" I was talking about last week, no, it's not. I wish it were that simple...dating is actually a nice diversion from all the other "stuff"...but I will say, that while nothing is still settled, things are looking good.

Anyways, I do have a smile on my face today. EVERYONE deserves to be treated special, and after everything I've been through, I can't tell you what a wonderful feeling it is. Have a great week!

Children

2008-02-23T11:57:00.002-06:00

They're so funny...apparently I say "well" a lot. Last night when I was giving Kyle a bath he stuck his hand under the faucet which made the water splash over the side of the tub. I asked him not to do that and he said, "but I want to get my hands wet." And I replied, "well, but you can't do that." He proceeds to say, "mom, my name is not Will." I'm glad I have him to remind me of that.

I just had a conversation with Madi about why I don't like Bratz dolls. Y'all know me well enough by now to know that I'm pretty conservative on all fronts and to me they dress like hookers. Why would I want my daughter to want to have them as a roll model? Not only that, but I don't like their name. Bratz...it just sounds bad. Anyways, so she wants to know why I don't like them. Well, so trying to explain modesty to an almost 6 year old is a little difficult. Especially when you don't want to bring in certain subjects that make it all the more complicated or things that really they don't need to be thinking about right now...so on her own she decides that the clothes they wear must make them cold or choke them. For now, that will do. I'm not ready to go into form fitting clothes, short skirts, or fishnet hose. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for looking cute and love to dress nice, but I don't want me or my daughter to raise questions to others whether we are ladies of the night or not.

I was on the phone a while ago with the guy I have a date with tonight, yes, I have a date! Woohoo! This would be the Superbowl guy. My mother in law and I decided that it's much easier to have names for them like that, as opposed to real names, until they become something more. So anyways, I'm on the phone with him, and in the background I hear Madi yell from the bathroom at the top of her lungs, "Mom, I need some toilet paper!" Kids...what would we do without them???

What's Going On...

2008-02-20T07:58:00.003-06:00

Do you like my new look? Well I have to thank, Melody for the makeover. She will do it for **free** if you give her your contact info. Thanks so much, I love it!!! If you are interested, go to my last post and look in the comments and you will find a link to her blog. There is no catch! And to think that I thought smiles were the only things that were free these days!

Well it's been a pretty crazy week. Mason got pink eye, which is you've never seen is just LOVELY. He's been on medicine since Monday, so he looks good now, but man that was gross! I don't know how many times I've said to my other two, "DO NOT touch the diseased child!" So far it hasn't spread to them, yet...me on the other hand I'm kind of wondering this morning if I've contracted it. Only time will tell. I guess if I wake up in the morning with my eyes matted shut, then I'll have my answer. My eyes are just feeling a little wierd this morning, but that could all be psychological...who knows.

I've had computer problems, or rather printer problems this week...I think I'm good now though. I've had to have someone come over the last two nights to help me, but I think all if under control now. This last time would be, because I'm a moron and accidentally hit "pause", so of course it won't print. These problems have made my work week very stressful!!! But I just want to hurry and get these loans closed and be done with them...they have been a real pain to me this week!

Everything else is going well. My personal life is going really well. I have a lot of excitement for a lot of things in my life right now, and I would say most of it is because I really am just surrendering the things that I have absolutely no control over...which right now is a lot. My friend Susan left a comment one of my recent posts that I haven't forgotten.

"The Israelites had to step into the water before the Red Sea parted. We move and then God does is how I see it."

Man, if that doesn't ever ring true for me right now, then I don't know what does!!! So I'm stepping out in lots of ways, and little by little seeing lots of rewards. And more importantly, see a real future in lots of things. I hope you all have a great rest of the week!!!

Space for grace

2008-02-17T15:40:00.002-06:00

I've been reading an article that a life coach named Cheryl Richardson wrote. It's about surrender. I found a paticular passage interesting and thought I'd share. I'm really trying to adopt this myself.

"Say a prayer and let it go. When you're able to put faith in an outcome you can't yet see, you make space for grace."

Space for grace...interesting.

"And here's the funny thing about letting go: When we learn to surrender, we then make space for true miracles to happen. Are you ready for a miracle?"

Yes!

Would you like to buy a kidney?

2008-02-13T21:20:00.002-06:00

Thanks friends for your comments...today has still been a little trying, but I'm alright. Everything is just one step at a time, and I do know what it is that I need to do, doing it is my difficulty. Trusting that when I do it, it will be okay...is where my problem lies. I've still been uncomfortable, but I've also just really decided that being uncomfortable is okay. Jesus never said we wouldn't be uncomfortable, but He did say He would take care of us. So I'm just trusting God, and trying not to eat all the chocolate in the house. Which I will say the latter of those two has been VERY difficult, especially with the dreaded love day tomorrow. I don't really dread it...I guess I'm supposed to since I'm a single woman, but I just say whatever! I will have many more Valentine's Days to celebrate, and I'm WAY happier this year than the last V-Day, so that in itself is something worth celebrating.

Okay, so the dentist...I liked where I went...it wasn't bad. I decided that I was okay being there and my appointment was less stressful than any labor I ever had...so I would grade that as an A+ visit. However, it also was a consultation, so it shouldn't have been that bad. What was bad was the "treatment plan." Okay, tell me two words you DON'T want to hear at the dentist??? Anyone??? How about "root canal." Yes, lovely, I also heard the word crown...I guess I'm lucky I just need one, but who's counting. I also discovered that there is a reason why they take you in a separate room to show you the "treatment plan" and sit you down at a table away from the rest of the population. That would be so that when you pass out from a coronary when they give you the bill there is an emergency exit for the ambulance to come pick you up. They probably have shock paddles in that room behind some closet door, or at least they ought to. I think my exact words were, "holy geez" when she told me how much all my work would cost...and mind you this isn't work I WANT TO HAVE DONE, this is work I NEED TO HAVE DONE. A whopping grand total of over $5,000. Would anyone like to buy a kidney? I think that's illegal, but I'm willing to work something out. Just email me. Now, all that being said, I do believe in trying to find the positive in every pile of crap, and I did hear something I liked. I will not have to have braces again. She believes that I can get veneers like I originally wanted. Another dentist in town told me that veneers wouldn't work for me and that I needed braces again. I really liked this dentists treatment plan...it was very interesting. So that will cost an additional $5,000. I can't live without both kidneys, so I will probably be waiting on that one for a while. HOWEVER, my new attitude that I'm adopting is just to not worry about the how anymore and let God take care of that, because I have NO CLUE how I'm going to come up with $5,000 anytime soon for dental work. I do have a few ideas to lower the cost...we'll see, but I'm just not going to worry about it. I can't...I'm too tired to worry about it!

Well that's about it...thanks again for the prayers...keep praying for me please!

Follies Weekend

2008-02-10T19:10:00.001-06:00

Erin and SuzAnne
All of us...minus a few that came later.
Chrissy, me, and Cheri...my other two great buds.

Sisters...Emily and Jenny.
her 10p.m. bedtime was long overdue!
April, Erin, Darla, Cherise, Charlotte, and SuzAnne...yes, there was a CD there.
Jenn, Mika, Lauren, and Claire

Kristen and Monica
Mika and I.
Megan and Amy

Cheri and I. Jenny and our red high heels
Sheila, Amy, and Jenny
Roommates

I love my friends!!!

2008-02-10T14:59:00.000-06:00

I had the most awesome weekend! Jenny, Sheila, and I discussed many times how this year was just great, because it seems like everyone is just in a nice place in life right now. It's fun to sit around and talk about old, fun times, but it's also a wonderful mark of maturity to sit and talk about the here and now and share those experiences. They both stayed the weekend with me and it seems like everytime I get together with them it gets even better. I'm so blessed to have these two girls still in my life! It can be so easy to let friendships slip away, especially when you're far away. Jenny is in Dallas and now Sheila is in Abilene...but they still remain 2 of my best friends!

Friday night was awesome. I think we had 20+ girls at my house. We just sat around and caught up on things and laughed about old stories! I was truly honored to have you all over to my house! I really want to make this a tradition. If someone wants to have it at their house next year, that's great, if not...I'll send the kids away again and we'll do it at mine! I think everyone enjoyed it. We stayed up until passed 2a.m. I am hoping that by Tuesday I will have caught up on sleep that I lost this weekend! I feel like a zombie right now!!! Next years theme has already been chosen: "Don't Judge Me." ***Okay, disclaimer we are all just a bunch of silly girls that enjoy doing really dumb things...so there is no hidden meaning behind that at all...just silly, that's all!***

Saturday we went to the Kappa/Alpha Chi breakfast. It was fun as usual. We were all saying how nice it is to just sit there and not feel like you're pretending to be someone else. It seems as though we're all just so comfortable with ourselves. I think that's cause WE'RE ALL GETTING OLD!

Saturday night Jenny, Sheila, Emily, Crystal, and Jacob (me too) went to eat dinner at Stella's which was just lovely and went to the show. Kappa's show rocked...they won first. Man the choreography these days has just changed so dramatically. Remember the days when we couldn't even do hip rolls? Okay, that's long gone! And as much as I hate to admit this, Chrissy, Koinonia's show was probably the best one I've ever seen. They did an amazing job, both clubs. I also enjoyed SubT...they always make me laugh. And I thought CD's did good, Kappa just had an amazing show. Oh and I heard some of y'all talking about an alumni show, I am all in!!! I'd like to run for director, please! :)

Today Jenny went to church with me and then we met Sheila for lunch. And now they've all gone home! I picked the kids up at 10a.m. this morning. Jessica said they did great. They behaved, slept well...overall it went great! So glad to hear!!! So now we're back in the throws of normal life, but I feel fully rejuventated, even though I am so exhausted. Usually every year after this weekend is over, there is always a lull for me...but I feel different this year. Next month is my 30th birthday!!! I'm really excited about that, oddly enough. I look forward to it, and I can hear all the old lady jokes in the world, but I feel great! I'm just a spring chick! So anyways...well I've got tons of pics as promised to upload, but I don't have much more time than this, but I will probably be able to get to that tonight.

Thanks so much for making this weekend special. If you weren't here this year, I hope you can make it next year! I've just decided that if you have as many friends as I do, then you truly are a blessed person! I love y'all!!!

Countdown...

2008-02-07T15:57:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I am currently in a very good mood...for lots of reasons. None of which many of you would find too terribly exciting at this point, so some things will remain a secret at this point. However, stay stuned...I'm sure I'll be sharing soon. I'm also very nervous and anxious and even a little fearful. However, I say that will full confidence that everything will be all fine and good in time. I guess you finally go through enough crap to realize that any time it starts to get a scary, you have to believe EVEN more. Every single time I've started to feel that way, I've just put my big girl panties back on...who am I kidding, I don't think I've ever taken them off!!! You just deal...and you deal again...and again. I kind of think about that scene in the Indiana Jones, I don't know which one...I think the last one, where he has to cross that...well I don't what it is...ravine...pit...something like that. (This is so eloquently written...hopefully you can follow me here and understand the point though!) And there isn't a bridge, but he has to step out there and believe that he won't fall. That's exactly how I feel...I can see the other side, but there is a big pit in front of me, and I can't stay where I'm at. I have to step out and take a HUGE leap of faith and trust that no matter what, God will get me to that other side...where I know I belong. It's all good though...I'm not sad, I'm good. I'm where I need to be and God is leading me to the other places He has for me.
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Okay, on a not so serious note...party my place tomorrow night! I'll probably be up all night getting ready for it!!! There is much to be done! And please say a prayer that my kids stay well so I can enjoy the weekend...seriously! I'm looking at Mason now telling him that there will be no sickness...not this weekend. I'll be back with a gallery of photos for all to see!!! If you're traveling this way...be careful! Love y'all!

Follies, Superbowl, and Bloggy Birthdays!!!

2008-02-05T18:52:00.000-06:00

Kim, me, and Rach

Okay, so I really don't have many pics. I do have everything in storage college related. :( Here is one pic that I always liked. It is from our "Cat in the Hat" show. For those of you who don't know what Master Follies is...well, I have no idea why they call it Master Follies. It's kind of a dumb name if you ask me, but...they didn't ask me, so they named it what they wanted to way before I was ever born. It is where the social clubs of LCU put on a choreographed musical act that has a theme. I guess that's the best way to describe it. There is a women's and men's division and the only thing you really win is bragging rights to "1st place" or "People's Choice" or you can always win second and go around saying "5,000 people can't be wrong." lol...sorry, I may have just gone to far there, but I made myself laugh.

It's pretty competitive, actually too competitive, but it should all be done in fun. Some of my most favorite memories are from being a part of this experience. There are master follies people and there are the non-master follies people. I loved it!!! In my next life I'll be a Master Follies Director.

And just to add on to the Kappa party news...any and all Kappa are invited. Some have told me that they didn't know if they were invited, because they weren't in Kappa very long, or they didn't graduate. EVERYONE IS INVITED!!! And I don't have any sort of way to communicate with everyone, so if you know someone who will be in town, invite them over!!! I've heard from a lot of girls, and I think we're going to have quite a crowd. I'm sooo excited!

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Okay, so enough about that...today has kind of been a blah day. It's a lot better than it was. Just life and circumstances beyond my control...and I'm trying hard to give that control that I want to have to God!

That and I'm trying to get over a cold that keeps coming and going. I've felt like a medicine cabinet lately with all my drugs. I had a headache for about 4 days, off and on. I took a muscle relaxer last night to hopefully relieve some tension off my neck. It did, but I felt hungover all morning. Which, call me crazy, isn't fun!!!

Things are good, still just putting one foot in front of the other, and on most days it works. I did have something funny happen to me, and I don't mind sharing, because I don't see it as a big deal. Sunday afternoon I got invited to a Superbowl party by my friend Elaina, who was in charge of our divorce care group at church. Y'all I didn't even know it was the superbowl until Friday when I went to Wal-mart and saw some decorated cakes. Even then I couldn't have told you who was playing. So obviously my plans for parties were non exsistent.

This party was to be at her boyfriend's neighbor's house. So I show up, not knowing who's going to be there...knowing pretty much nothing besides the fact that I had just found out the Giants and Patriots were playing. Well, I didn't know a person there besides Elaina and her boyfriend. She introduces me to everyone and after some analyzation on my part everyone there has a spouse or mate, besides the guy who owns the house. I looked at her and she smiles at me...did I just unsusectingly get set up? Yes, I did. I just love Elaina, she's been a real mentor for me...so I would trust someone that she said was good. I have no idea if he knew I was coming, or if he knew anything about me. Still don't know...but I think it was pretty obvious to him that Elaina invited me for him. She asked me later if I would be open to doing this again, and I told her sure. I told her I'm in a good place where this is becoming fun to me, so I don't know...we shall see! He's never been married, and no one had to call 911 when I told him how many kids I had or their ages. In fact, he didn't even flinch...so I take that as a good sign.

I'm just having fun, and that's okay. I'm allowed to, and dog gone it, I deserve it!!!

Well, that's all for now. I hope you all have a great rest of the week. Oh, I almost forgot!!! I was reading my friend, Susan's blog and she was talking about her one year anniversary for her blog. I went and looked to see how old my blog is. Y'all, Happy Bloggy Birthday to me!!!! I'll be two years old tomorrow, February 6th!!! Wow, it's flown by and I've done a whole lot of stretching and growing in that two years!!! I can't wait to see what the next two years hold! Thanks for hanging with me and coming back to read more. Y'all are the best!!!

Look what came in the mail!!!

2008-02-02T20:00:00.000-06:00

I got this in the mail today from Sheila. I've been missing my friend so much now that her and John have moved from Chapparal country and become Wildcats. I don't blame them though...anyways, she sent this to me along with a happy Kappa letter. I know this means very little to some of you, but to others...we get it!

I am so pumped about this weekend. The babysitter came over today to meet the kids. Her boyfriend is going to be helping her. I hope after this next weekend she won't be afraid to babysit for me again! I really want to have someone that I can call if I want to go out of town, or just to have a relationship with, that I can depend on. That would be wonderful!!!

I'm so excited to have friends come over and see everyone...this truly is one of my favorite times of year. I want to post "Master Follies past" pictures, but I have discovered that most of the pics are still in storage. I've found a few...I'll post them throughout the week, and for all of you non- LCUers I'll explain what Master Follies is.

I'm thinking of going all out for the Kappa party. I'm not giving details, because I don't want to spoil it. I know no one would be suprised at the lengths I would go to to have it be a fun party!!! And don't worry, I will be the camera queen next weekend, so if you're not here you can live vicariously through me!!!

Delirious

2008-01-30T19:13:00.000-06:00

Well first of all I would like to thank Lisa yea...I can now post links. She taught me and I understood!!! I would also like to thank her too, because she was a huge sweetheart to me today and not only brought me a chai tea, but took Kyle for the afternoon. They are taking him to church tonight and then bringing him home when it's over. I took Madi out to my mom's today and she's keeping her overnight. I had to pick her up from school early on Tuesday, because she had fever. Well it ended up going all night, and early into the morning...so my sleep was very minimal. She stayed home from school today, and mom offered to watch her and keep her overnight. If she's better she'll bring her to school, if not she'll let her go to work with her. Madi is a star up at the high school, so she's pretty excited to be with her.

All of that to say, I now have some peace and quiet. Mason is in bed, and I'm enjoying the rest. I was trying to work today, and fortunately I'm pretty caught up, but my brain was heading towards shut down level. So I got to take a nap. I know all of this is going around really bad and for some it's about the second time in a row. Really, we've been lucky. No one has had to go to the doctor for sickness since November. That's a record for us! I would think this insane weather would also have something to do with it...I just can not stand the wind. No matter what you do...yell at it, cuss at it...it just won't stop. I've tried it all.

I booked my babysitter yesterday for the weekend of Master Follies. I'm using my mom/a girl from LCU so I can have the weekend off. I know most divorced families share custody for occasions like this, but no such luck for me. On that front, I think the boy is just spiraling downward out of control. Enough about that though, I on the other hand am just giddy about girl time next weekend. We are planning on having a Kappa party at my house on Friday night. Any old alums are invited! I think it will probably start at 8. My kids will be at the sitters house, so I will actually be able to be at home! There really isn't a set agenda...just fun!

Well that's about it...I am hoping I will get some real sleep tonight! Hopefully all of this sickness will be leaving us all really soon!!!

Tagged...

2008-01-29T11:35:00.000-06:00

These are the rules: (1) Link to the person that tagged you. (2) Post the rules on your blog. (3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. (4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Okay, I've been tagged by two different people to do this post. One by my friend Susan and one by Celeste. Susan's required 6, and Celeste required 5, I'll go ahead and do 6 to make sure all my bases are covered. I had a hard time with this one...I feel so normal!!!

1. I already disclosed this in my last post, but it is true for me...so I'm adding it to the list. My giggle box can get turned over very easily, and I can laugh so hard that tears come out. I'm not actually crying...although I have done that before...but I laugh so hard that tears come out.

2. I have a horrible problem of running over parked objects that are not meant to be ran over. For example things that are short enough to be ran over, but yet tall enough to do damage to your car. Where there is a parking block to be ran over and nothing else in sight, I will manage to find a way to run over it. This happens at least once a month. I did this on Friday in a completely open parking lot. I almost laughed so hard that I cried. But it truly is a problem, I have done some expensive damage before. I come by it naturally though, my mother has the same problem.

3. My baby toes is missing a joint and I can turn it 90 degrees...and no it doesn't hurt at all. This is also the reason why I've broken it about 1,000 times...it gets in my way, or a chairs way, or a pole...anything it comes into contact with...it's quite annoying.

4. During the winter I shower every morning, pretty much without fail, and take a bath every night. I have to...I get so cold!

5. I love to do cartwheels...I was just doing them the other day in my backyard. I hadn't done one in a while and I wondered if I still had it even at 29...and yes, I still do. :)

6. I went through a spell when I thought I wanted to be a dog groomer. I don't know why, I think it has something to do with shaving them. I think it looks so cool. Maybe I should just go to a farm and shave a sheep or something to get my fill. I'm pretty sure I'd be a horrible dog groomer, not to mention my hatred for cats.

Okay, so I tag: Cheri, Jenni K., Ro, SuzAnne, Candace, and Jenn Jenn...I tried desperately to do links yesterday, some of you may noticed my testing I was doing (oops, didn't know it had showed up till later) but of course to no avail...someday I will figure it out! Some of these people I haven't added their link yet to my side bar...I'll work on that tonight!

Girls Night Out...

2008-01-27T09:39:00.001-06:00

Sara, Jenn, and me
Callie, Sara, Jenn, me, SuzAnne, and Lisa

I had soooo much fun! I don't know how long it's been since I laughed that hard. I laughed so hard that the tears came out. I know some of you know how that happens to me...don't know why. I just get so tickled that tears come out. It's one of the odd things about me. :)

I guess for me this picture truly represents how life does go on and does get much better. This group is the same group that found out about what was going on with me when it first happened. No one else knew at the time, and my sister called her closest friends (this group) and got them together to pray with me.

Now over a year later...here we are...and oh how things are soooo much better.

I look forward to the next night out!

Goings on...

2008-01-24T21:42:00.000-06:00

It's been another great week around our house...of course it looks like a tornado has been through here, but I guess that's what your house looks like when you've been doing a whole lot of living in it. One thing I've learned is that the laundry will never be done...never. There will always be more, so why do it!!!??? Well really, I guess that isn't the best theory, but it's working for me today. Now tomorrow on the other hand, I have got a whole list of chores to do.

I got to have breakfast with friends this morning and I'm going to get to go out with those same friends tomorrow night to Cafe J. I was thinking about this group and how they came to be, and then how they came to be in my life...it's kind of neat to me. Hopefully I'll get a pic tomorrow night and share with you what I mean.

I went to Bunco tonight. I would say I played, but we don't hardly play anymore. Most of the time we eat and then win a prize, which isn't all the bad. I got a really pretty large, brown stoned necklace, not to mention a great meal that I most importantly did nothing to prepare it!

I have to brag on Madi for a minute. When I came tonight she wanted me to come look at her room. She cleaned it from top to bottom and organized it soooo well. I was most impressed at how she decided to hang up all of her socks and panties, on hangers mind you. It's very interesting. She has just been doing amazing at school. Everyday this week I've picked her up and her teacher tells me how absolutely wonderful she's doing and behaving. Nothing warms my heart more!

I broke down and made an appointment to see the dentist. Okay, I hate the dentist. I would rather go to the gynecologist than see the dentist. Yes, I would rather have a pelvic exam than go to the dentist. Now, that is some hate. But I'm making myself do it. I have a tooth that is hurting and I need to go anyways. I have a goal that I'm trying to make here, and the first step is going to the dentist. I need to have some dental work done, and then the next step is the orthodontist. Yes, I'm going to be a 30 year old nerd with braces...again for the third time in my life. I'm the poster child for someone who didn't wear their retainers. But it's what I want, so I'm willing to go through with it, in order to get what I want. This dentist offers sedation therapy. If I can afford it, I will do it. Please, knock me out so that I may not have any recollection of ever being there!!! Some people fear small spaces, some people fear dentists...that's me.

Well that's all for now. I hope you all have a great weekend!!!

Tagged...

2008-01-22T20:27:00.000-06:00

My friend Tisha tagged me...this one took some thought. Whoever wants to do it, feel free!!!

5 things I want my kids to know:
-They are each an amazing gift to me.
-No matter what I will always love them, and there's nothing they could do to ever change that.
-The one and only answer to this life is Jesus...don't look for it anywhere else, because you will fail.
-Don't sweat the small stuff, or the big stuff for that matter! In the end, none of it will be important!
-How blessed we truly are!

5 things you want to tell your children when they grow up:
-I did my very best as your mom. I failed many times, but I gave it the most valiant effort that I could.
-My most important job was being your mom, and through all the hard times, I still loved it.
-I tried to provide the best life I could for you, and teach you what really matters in this life.
-The one and only answer to life is Jesus...don't look for it anywhere else, because you will fail.
-With God, ALL things are possible.

5 things you want to tell your children before you die:
-My life was made complete, because each of you were a part of it.
-I'm so proud of you!
-I love you with all of my heart.
-This isn't goodbye...this is "I'll see ya later...gators!"
-The one and only answer to life is Jesus...don't look for it anywhere else, because you will fail.

5 things you want your children to know before they die:
-peace that the freedom of Christ offers.
-just how freeing forgiveness can be.
-that they were made out of love.
-the love of a father and mother...even if the definition isn't "textbook family"
-The one and only answer to life is Jesus...don't look for it anywhere else, because you will fail.

8 months...

2008-01-20T19:50:00.000-06:00

Can you tell these two are related??? The top one is when Madi was 9 months old.

Brothers...

Mason is 8 months!!! Where is the time going??? He is such a joy and quite possibly the most content baby I've ever seen. He is just so perfect for me! If he had been my first, I'd probably had 5 more! Thank the good Lord he wasn't my first then, because I'd be crazier than I am now! :)

I saw the movie "Juno" tonight. It was great! I don't know when I'd laughed that hard at a movie. It's hilarious, yet serious and heartwarming...definitely one of my new favs.

Next week we'll start with week 1 of "Larissa's life in pictures." Just kidding...I'd probably bore you all to tears and lose some readers. But I will find some good stuff to post. And what a more perfect time with Follies around the corner??? I can start reliving my Kappa past!

My favs...

2008-01-19T20:17:00.000-06:00

Kyle at 10 months
Madi at 9 months

Okay, so I learned how to use my scanner. It only took 6 months, but hey whatever! I got it done. So now, I'm probably going to go nuts posting pics from my entire childhood. I probably won't have time for writing anymore, just pics. :) These two pics are probably my favorites of Madi and Kyle. I just took the one of Kyle by myself. The one of Madi we had professionally done. I don't have a favorite of Mason yet. I will post a pic of him tomorrow, because he will 8 months old. I want to post a pic of it with Madi, so you can see just how much they look alike. It's crazy!

My old blog

What in the world

It's a new week!

Sad...

Still Settled...

Settled

I remember

In Better Hands by Natalie Grant

Quick note...

37!!!

And the greatest of these is Love...

The Shack

Redemption

Almost There...

First Day of School

Just thinkin'

Caution...woman at work

Food for thought...

Smile!

Judgement

This and That...

Feminist???

Happy 4th Birthday Kyle

Ruidoso

My granddad

Change is in the air...

My thoughts...

Ask and Trust

Redirection

Happy 4th

Blogroll

Blessed

I'm thinkin...

hahahahahahahahha...

Dumbing Down

This and that...

Fun Times

What month is it???

Wow

A New Beginning...

Blessings

Thankfulness

How about some Honesty...

Busy times...

Mason's 1 year check up...and other things

Super Kids

Happy Birthday Mason

Blessings

Kindergarten Awards

Helpful Hope for Broken Dreams by Charles R. Swindoll

Wanted to share...

Happy Mother's Day

6 months

Life...

Not Much to Say!

Sydney is here!

The Joys of Motherhood...

If you're interested...

Keepin' it real

Good thoughts!!!

A bit of houscleaning...

Tag

Transitions...

Words to say...

I needed this...

6 years ago...

Turtles and such

Hmmm...

New Week

My Birthday

Is spring break over yet?

Hump Day

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Time

Big Day

Rejuvenated

Holy Cow...

Voting...

I'm sooooo excited!!!

Timing